I'll be using bowl games as my theme for the week - all of these will be completely made up, for the record. Pittsburgh (-9.5) @ Kansas City
Sex Offender Bowl. Because Ben Roethlisberger is a rapist. And Todd Haley is a fag (according to Larry Johnson). Sounds like a win-win for those two. Indianapolis (-0.5) @ Baltimore
Man in the Mirror Bowl. For all the hypocritical Raven fans who praise the time that they stole from Cleveland. Also the same city who bitched and moaned for 15 years because the drunkard owner of their NFL franchise couldn't sign John Elway and moved his team to Indy. San Francisco @ Green Bay (-6.5)
Nikki Cox Bowl. Early season SF and GB/Early career Nikki Cox: http://boobsaregreat.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/nikki-cox.jpg Mid-season SF and GB/mid-career Nikki Cox: http://cm1.theinsider.com/thumbnail/400/479/cm1.theinsider.com/media/0/73/68/nikkicoxlips12.jpg Buffalo @ Jacksonville (-8.5)
Luke Florence Bowl. I have no idea what either of these teams records are. Also, I have no idea what anyone's records are as of 3:31 PM EST Saturday in our pick 'em league. Atlanta @ New York Giants (-6.5)
Unstoppable Bowl. Because Eli Manning is unstoppable. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fZ78q2sJ7iA New Orleans (-11.5) @ Tampa Bay
The "I Wish the Browns Were Actually Showing Progress Like Tampa Bay" Bowl. Tampa has no QB, a rookie coach, and fired it's offensive coordinator before the season started. Cleveland has two "QBs," a coach in his second gig, and has not fired its offensive coordinator and are still regressing. Much of this has to do with the QBs being inept, the coach being fat, and the coordinator making Jim Tressel's play-calling look like Mike Leach's. Cleveland @ Detroit (-3.5)
Blackout Bowl. For obvious reasons. After watching the Browns live and in person on Monday night, I was that Eric Mangini could get pushed into Lake Erie with the old Municipal Stadium. Unfortunately, I don't think there's enough room for his bulbous ass and an old stadium in the lake. The great city of Pontiac, MI also gets a shoutout for managing to sell the Silverdome for as much as a warehouse filled with horse shit. Washington @ Dallas (-11.5)
Jon and Kate Gosslein Bowl. Honestly, does anyone even care about this rivalry anymore? Seattle @ Minnesota (-10.5)
Brett Favre Bowl. Hey, did you know that Matt Hasselbeck used to back up Brett Favre in Green Bay? Did you know that Brett Favre is playing some of the best football of his career this year? Did you know that Brett Favre bought a house in Minnesota and might play football again next year? WHO CARES! If Favre "plays through" a broken toenail he's going to be canonized. Arizona (-8.5) @ St. Louis
Glory Days Bowl. Hey St. Louis...you remember Isaac Bruce, Torry Holt, Marshall Faulk, London Fletcher, and....Kurt Warner? I'm guessing Marc Bulger and Donny Avery aren't bring back memories of that era, but seeing Kurt Warner slice your defense with two elite receivers should. Have fun drowning your sorrows this week! New York Jets @ New England (-10.5)
Tuna Bowl. Two of Bill Parcell's former squads who never quite lived up to the expectations set before them. I also love how NO ONE ever talks about the way the Bill Bellichick absolutely shit on the Jets once Parcells left by bolting for New England. I couldn't have been happier when NE's 4th and 2 play last Sunday got stuffed like John Madden's face on Thanksgiving. San Diego (-2.5) @ Denver
Absurd Line Bowl. Chris Simms? Getting less than 3 points? Sign me up! Cincinnati (-9.5) @ Oakland
Felony Bowl. It's strange seeing RBs go to Cinci to revive their careers. You know, I heard that Lawrence Phillips is a free agent...c'mon Mike Brown! You know you want to! Philadelphia (-2.5) @ Chicago
Cliffhanger Bowl. Are these teams good? Are these teams bad? Will Lovie Smith get canned by the end of the year? Was Andy Reid's father a walrus? Is Soldier Field going to invade Mars? No one knows! Tennessee @ Houston (-5.5)
Oiler Bowl. Because an "Oiler" is far cooler than a "Titan" or a "Texan." What stupid names for the franchises. I understand Tennessee switching after the move, but Titans? Come on. At least be the Tyrannical Tennesseans or the Tennessee Teabaggers. And Texans? If the Browns would've come back and been the Cleveland Ohioans, shit would've hit the fan.Ladies and gentlemen ... Nick Lay. If it were not for a couple of missed weeks for Lay, he'd be running away from the field for both Gus Johnson and Bill Walton. Look for him to gain ground with an e-mail such as that. Well done.
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