By: Luke FlorenceBefore we get started ranking the 64 1st Round match-ups, it's time for a
fresh batch of links.
- We finished the
2006 Fd Up Tourney a little more than a week ago.
Check out Kevin's blog as he posted the dramatic finish. The videos are worth their weight in gold.
-
Matt Barnes has been busier than the 'worky work busy bee' guy from the FedEx commercial in regards to updating his blog.
He recaps my favorite black tv characters from February and adds some picks of his own. He will be on the podcast tomorrow to talk about that column and give his top five picks.
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Anthony Tynan was on last night to discuss all things fantasy baseball related. Check it out right after this column.
His personal blog has been added to my sidebar, so head on over there for some good reading.
Moving on, let's rank the 64 1st Round contests for the Mainstay Tournament. In classic K.O.A. fashion, we will save the best for last. The number that precedes each entry is their ranking (1-128). It's important to note there will be no spreads designated for this pre-season tournament, so in that sense, the rankings are irrelevant. They were only used for bracketing purposes.
Kevin is in the process of putting together two actual brackets. As soon as that gets done, it will be available on here and Kevin's blog as well. Remember, the top 32 advance to the F'd Up Tourney.
The top ten on this list will be put in a poll on my sidebar. Please vote on the FOUR you would like Kevin and I to roll on a podcast. We are calling these four our "prime-time" games. You decide which ones they are. If there is a particular match-up that is NOT in the top ten, let me know in a comment. Who knows, we might roll live just for you. We aim to please.
We are headed back to 1999 for the division titles. A trip back down memory lane.
THE 'NEVER BEEN KISSED' DIVISION
64. -
29) Bob Seger vs. 100) November 31st - Not much to say here. Two unrelated items. Both are newcomers to this format.
63. -
47) Hot Nuts vs. 82) Gino Toretta - You will notice a pattern here in this division. The items are unrelated, and they are hard to find any signs of humor. Of course someone could make a joke about Gino Toretta having hot nuts, but well, that would be in bad taste. Mainly because, we simply do not know if that is true.
62. -
10) Do With This As You Will vs. 119) Omar Vizquel/Carlos Baerga - The tribe has spoken, and you are all in love with Omar/Carlos. They were nearly unanimously voted in, sending Kevin Pittsnogle back to his trailer in West Virginia. In this contest they will again be the crowd favorite, as the #10 seed will not get any love at all in this tournament.
61. -
63) Giddy Up vs. 66) Will Ferrell - Some may find one of Kramer's go-to sayings competing against the comedic genius of Will Ferrell a little more compelling than I, but nonetheless it finds a spot here. Either way one advances, and that is just fine by me.
60. -
3) Power/Man In The Starter Sweatshirt vs. 126) Family Guy - Two mainstays that were borderline at best. Of course the majority of you will be rooting for Family Guy, but, the longer Power stays in, the more we can talk about that great story. So either way, it's a win-win.
59. -
35) Ballbuster Pick Of The Week vs. 94) Looper-Olson - Not much to say here, so ... on we go. Trust me, they get better as we go along. Yes, I could have made a reference to the Looper-Olson pitching combination busting my fantasy base-balls last year, but I'm above that.
58. -
2) FAN-tastic vs. 127) Don't Be Stupid - Which saying will prevail? FAN-tastic has proven to have more longevity, but Coach Hammond came up with the original. On second thought, this should be much higher.
57. -
32) Gay Lanes vs. 97) O.U.I.M. - I must have sat here for three minutes trying to come up with a parallel for these two entities, but to no avail. It is good to know that one will be moving on though.
56. -
52) BBG vs. 77) Merkt's Cheese - Look at #57 ... same concept.
55. -
13) Stuart Appleby vs. 116) The Pin-Pals - One golfer vs. a team of bowlers. The former has never won a major, and the latter have never been defeated in a match. Who prevails? Only the F'd Up Tourney will tell us.
54. -
37) WHEI In The Mornings/Maxine Monday's vs. 92) Taco John's - Can my first radio gig upstage an Athens landmark? Again, this is what the F'd Up Tourney is all about.
THE 'VARSITY BLUES' DIVISION
53. -
6) Cleveland Indians vs. 123) Unappreciative Bastard "Vince Carter" - The Indians could have been slated against Bob Wickman, Casey Blake, or the Omar/Carlos combination. But instead, they get Vince Carter/Wade Peery.
52. -
19) The Applebee's Commercial vs. 110) The Promise - Both of these things were great the first 1,000 times I heard/saw them. But, they both became overkill ... in a hurry. In this tourney, overkill is a good thing, maybe the best of things.
51. -
14) Awful vs. 115) Brad Bursa - Arguably the biggest contrasting styles/teams in the first round. Awful describes many things, but one of the few things it does not describe is Brad Bursa. Whichever team can control the pace of play will gain the upper hand.
50. -
22) McHappy's vs. 107) Little Tikes Hoop - A 24 hour donut shop goes up against my favorite gift I ever received. Not gonna lie, I will be rooting for the Little Tykes Hoop, but I won't be crushed if McHappy's walks away with the win. Who am I kidding? Yes I will.
49. -
18) St. Mary's Elementary vs. 111) Jimmy V - Two sentimental favorites face off in the opening round. Edge has to go to Jimmy V, because he never gives up, and that type of competitiveness does wonders in this format.
48. -
15) Ronald Pittman vs. 114) Anchorman - Ron Burgandy and company got a tough draw in the '06 Tourney, falling to Michael Jordan in the 1st Round. However, Anchorman is on record of being in "afternoon delight" mode after hearing they drew Ronald Pittman here.
47. -
25) New against Old Browns Beer Pong vs. 104) Asian Invasion - Just like Anchorman, the Asian Invasion was an #8 seed in '06. However, unlike Anchorman, the Asian Invasion came out victorious in the 1st round. They draw a newcomer this year and more than likely are the odds on favorite to win this match-up. That won't be the case if Matt Stover or Kelly Holcomb have any say in the matter.
46. -
41) Reach vs. 88) Mel Kiper III/T.Willy - In the battle of hilarious concepts we helped create, one will advance to the second round. With the NFL draft approaching, a slight edge could be held in Mel Kiper III's corner, but you just never know ... Reach might jump up and snatch away victory.
45. -
8) George Costanza vs. 121) Mrs. Hughes' French Class - Remember that Seinfeld episode where George gets roped into the big brother program? He tries to get it out of it by claiming he has a trip lined up to Paris. However, it backfires because the parents of the kid he was chosen to mentor are also from Paris. That episode is this match-up.
44. -
24) John Chaney vs. 105) Sweet Franklin - Kevin loves this match-up. It's the most action John Chaney has gotten since he "Kevin Hunted" his career a while ago. He is a coach, and with our basketball-type set-up, you would think he would have a small advantage.
43. -
53) J-RO vs. 76) Paul Culver - Not sure why I love this match-up as much as I do, but it probably has to do with my Bromance on the General. He would be the one guy that I would actually be happy to lose against as I defend my championship. We will see if Jared can stop the RMA.
THE 'BIG DADDY' DIVISION
42. -
16) Lieutenant Dan vs. 113) Ohio University - Well, we are officially in "OK" match-up territory. A famous "echo phrase" used during a bad remix of a rap song going against the institution so many of my readers attend/graduated. Game on.
41. -
36) Adam Sandler vs. 93) Little Hugo's - Can Sandler upend the ice cream store I was accused of breaking into back in 2003? And yes, I intentionally put Sandler in the "Big Daddy" division. Thanks for noticing.
40. -
20) K.E.L.E.R. vs. 109) Mansfield! - An elementary group name going up against an old college saying. Both make strong cases, and like so many of these match-ups, you can't go wrong with either one.
39. -
23) Keith Hodkinson vs. 106) Erik "Guss" Huss - Kevin's arch-nemesis makes his first appearance in the F'd Up Tourney. If Hodkinson wins this whole thing, we might never hear from Hunt again. Guss has the first opportunity to make Hunt a happy camper.
38. -
61) Planes, Trains and Automobiles vs. 68) Randy Hunt "Rub Money" - A great movie squares off against an instant classic moment. Not gonna lie, Randy Hunt "Rub Money" is everything this tournament is about.
37. -
34) Jay Bilas "Strong" vs. 95) John Daly - Word on the street is that John Daly is furious with the King of Arguments. First, he gets suspended six months from the PGA Tour. Daly's response, "Come on, they only suspended Happy Gilmore one month for fighting Bob Barker ... all I did was drink." Secondly, he just missed out on the 2006 F'd Up Tourney, and now, he has to win two matches just to make it to the 2009 version. Jay Bilas and his patented trademark have their hands full.
36. -
54) Bromley 310 vs. 75) Tom Hodson - The director of Scripps and my fellow broadcast partner is pitted against the room that housed The Three Kings our sophomore year. Can you feel the excitement?
35. -
43) Memorial Day Weekend vs. 86) Ten Things I Hate About You - Two things that are well ... all-encompassing. They describe much more than the actual event themselves. The All-Encompassing Finals probably has overtime written all over it.
34. -
26) The Ceiling Bracket vs. 103) Route 56/Hollerback Girl - No doubt I have a rooting interest in this match-up. The Ceiling Bracket has been in full force since 2004, and odds are that it will get updated this year ... for the sixth time. Kind of a scary thought. As for Route 56 ... it's a memory I could do without.
33. -
12) Keystone Light vs. 117) Rudy - I've watched Rudy countless times, but without a doubt drank more cans of Keystone Light. The question now becomes what is the equivalency ratio from movies to beer cans. Does watching a movie once equal drinking a six pack of Keystone? Someone help me ... please.
Okay, this is getting a lot longer than I originally planned (that's what she said ... or he said). So,
part two will be coming out tomorrow. All good things in time. Thanks for the patience.
Until tomorrow,
"read it, roll it, hole it."
