2010 NFL ATS Pick 'Em: Week Three QOTW

By: Luke Florence
With the NFL its' nearly impossible to make the playoffs if you are 0-3. After three weeks you might not know who is good or who is bad, but at least you know who is awful. The same can not be said for our pick 'em league. After three weeks we know absolutely nothing about who will be contending or drowning.

This year, however, we do have a trend developing within our league. It can be summed up in two words.

Consistently inconsistent.

- No one has won double-digit games every week, although our leader Shane Kline (29-19) has come the closest.

- The two cellar-dwellers, Devin Frank and Anthony Tynan, both started the year going 10-6.

- Seven DIFFERENT people can lay claim to having the best week record, including four of us this week. The King of Arguments, Alex Lucius, Bill Wakefield, and Jamie Reamer all went 11-5.

- Brian Boesch has only one week above the .500 mark, and he is tied for 4th.

Strap in folks, this could be a bumpy 2010.

GUS JOHNSON AWARD STANDINGS (after three weeks)

1) Brian Boesch - unlike the New Orleans Saints, this defending champion is having an unblemished 2010.

2) Jeff Schaffer - unlike the Houston Texans, this upstart did not have a week three setback.

3) Kevin Hunt - unlike the New York Giants, this former champion didn't just lie down and take it this past Sunday.

4) Jake Young - unlike the Green Bay Packers, this cheese-head made some progress last week.

5) Matt Barnes - unlike the Atlanta Falcons, this 'contender' failed to show up ... again.

SWAMI AWARD STANDINGS

1) Kevin Hunt's Ballbuster Pick of the Week (3-0) - BUF over NE.

2) Brian Boesch's F'd Up Pick of the Week (2-1) - ARI lost to OAK.

3) Jake Young's Seabiscuit Pick of the Week (1-1) - ATL over NO.

4) Luke Florence's Sunday Ticket Not Gonna Watch Pick of the Week (0-3) - WAS lost to STL.

5) Kevin Hunt's Gus Johnson Pick of the Week (0-2) - TB lost to PIT.

"So Ryan Fitzpatrick is still playing for the Bills...you'd think an Ivy Leaguer would know better." - Jeff Schaffer.

"The Lions have been screwed over in both of their games, so they’ll keep it close. This week, my guess is Brett Favre quits mid-game, and Tarvaris Jackson leads a game-winning drive at the end. Yay Detroit!" - Brian Boesch.

"Patrick Willis is one of the most terrifying looking people I’ve ever seen. And I’m even more scared of Takeo Spikes. I’d feel more uncomfortable in a dark alley with these guys than I would with Ray Lewis. I’m too scared to pick against them." - Jake Young.

"I saw Stanford crushed Notre Dame this week (sorry, Luke), and I thought about Andrew Luck as a Brown. That’s how bad it has gotten." - Brian Boesch.

"I'm not convinced Baltimore can score a lot of points. I'm also not convinced I can score with a girl. Both could be answered if I ever make a trip to Baltimore in September." - Kevin Hunt.

"This could be questionable considering the Ravens can’t seem to score more than ten, but maybe (insert Browns’ starting quarterback name here) will want so bad to be Ray Lewis’ friend, that he’ll just keep throwing him the ball. I mean, if a bear can learn how to talk just to be his friend, he must be pretty cool. Or he’s sent 'be my friend or I’ll kill you threats.' Or maybe Old Spice really does just smell that good." - Jake Young.

"Hey Miles Austin. Couldn’t help but notice you lost me two points with your fumble last week. You’re not the one that’s supposed to be getting stripped. That’s your girlfriend. Now that we’re clear…" - Jake Young.

"The Fins’ defense probably hit Favre too many times last week. I’ve heard that you can contract 'old' through touch. So, they’re probably going to be a little too slow and constipated this week. Get these guys some prunes!!" - Jake Young.

"So dating a reality TV star is helping Jay Cutler's game...I thought Vanderbilt was the smart SEC school." - Jeff Schaffer.

10-tie) "I asked my two friends about what they thought of when they see Rex Ryan. Got 'elephant' and 'Ruben Studdard-like'. Yep." - Brian Boesch.

10-tie) "When going gets tough, The tough fire coach Wade Phillips. Romo is homo." - Kevin Hunt.

9) "With the days of Ed McCaffrey long gone I might be starting to legitimately dislike the Broncos. Looking at Kyle Orton under any circumstance just makes me angry." - Jeff Schaffer.

8) "I would be Mike Vick’s dog if he led my fantasy team to victory just one week." - Jake Young.

7) "I’m driving up to Cleveland next weekend for the Browns-Bengals game because I use my time wisely." - Brian Boesch.

6) "Alex Smith played well? On Monday night? In New Orleans? Yeah, doesn't sound right to me either." - Jeff Schaffer.

5) "Actual Adam Schefter quote from this week: 'That's why they're sticking with Gradkowski: it's a favorable match-up against the Cardinals.' Using this logic, the Raiders could get away with starting Cade McNown at QB...and use Barnes to spy Derek Anderson the whole game." - Jeff Schaffer.

4) "I feel like Jerry Jones is going to have recruiting visits for a new head coach. Wade Phillips has more chance of lasting than newspapers." - Brian Boesch.

3) "I was at the Laundromat today and the only other person there was a mom who was screaming at her three young boys. What was the first thing she pulled out of the dryer? A Panthers jersey. I immediately understood why she was so upset." - Jake Young.

2) "Do old west saloons still exist? That's the only place I can imagine Kerry Collins ever being." - Jeff Schaffer.

1) "Gus [Johnson] will absolutely make this game, too, considering Pittsburgh is back on its nth string QB, TB's QB is still raw and both defenses might have great days at the office. Gus knows he has about three big plays possible in this one. Let's see if Tampa Bay has 'Gettin away from the Big Ben' speed." - Kevin Hunt.

BILL WALTON AWARD STANDINGS (after three weeks)

1) Jeff Schaffer - 52

2) Brian Boesch - 49

3) Kevin Hunt - 19

4) Matt Barnes - 18

5) Jake Young - 17

6) BESS Club - 10

7) Jason Fazzone - 3

Congratulations to Kevin Hunt for winning the week three quote of the week. It was only a matter of time before someone made fun of Big Ben and took home this honor. Leave it to us Browns fans to take care of business in that regard. Hey, it's all we got.

Here's to fourteen more weeks of fun.

Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."

2010 NFL ATS Pick 'Em: Week Three

By: Luke Florence

When you grow up in a small town it can be difficult meeting new people. Small towns such as Tiffin, Ohio, really isn't a growing metropolis with an influx of individuals moving in or out. It is what it is. The friends you had in grade school were probably the same ones you had in high school, and maybe just as important, the girls you knew in grade school were probably the same ones you knew in high school.

So when an opportunity comes up for a small town boy to meet a new girl, you have to capitalize on it. That rare occurrence went down for yours truly during the spring of 2003 in the most stereotypical place possible for small towns everywhere ... Wal-Mart.

Goofing around with Phil Gosche at Wal-Mart one night we happened to stumble upon this attractive girl. Buoyed by a tremendous amount of testosterone we carefully approached her, and unbelievably we found ourselves in the middle of an actual conversation. As we were leaving, I found myself talking to her all alone. While I can not remember a single word spoken I do remember beating myself up in Gosche's car because I did not ask for her phone number. Besides her name, I knew almost nothing about her, and was fairly certain I would never see her again. My opportunity had came and gone, and I doubted it would ever come back.

But Doubt is nothing but an emotion and is not supported by facts.

Two months after our Wal-Mart encounter, my doubt dissipated. We met again at a church festival and yada yada, we dated the entire summer. But during those two months, I continued to doubt myself. It turned out to be a wasteful endeavor because that doubt disappeared in a single moment.

That's usually the case with reckless emotions.

So after a poor week two that certainly has some of us doubting our ability to pick winners in this contest, let me assure you, your doubt will only hold you back. Instead, hold on to your beliefs, and the rest will fall into place ... for better or worse.

BUFFALO @ NEW ENGLAND (-14.5)

"Look at that. You've blown out my light." - Sister Aloysius

With all the points New England should score this week, their scoreboard might need a few light-bulb replacements.

Schaf: "So Ryan Fitzpatrick is still playing for the Bills...you'd think an Ivy Leaguer would know better." Ladies and gentlemen, Jeff Schaffer is coming for Gus Johnson. Watch out Boesch.

Boesch: "I watched Bill Simmons on PTI this week. Like the guy, but he sounds like the guy at a movie who tries to secretly talk but everyone notices." I got to watch a little bit of his performance and while he does make solid points, his delivery is much better suited for print than television.

Kevin: "BALLBUSTER PICK OF THE WEEK: taking the 6th game listed because there have been two consecutive weeks of Ready, ND and Browns football all losing (six total losses) -- selecting the underdog in that game (since all these teams are underdogs at this point). Is this the game Lee Evans proves he's actually a living, breathing human being?! Or will it be loss #1 on the year for the Ballbuster?!" Ready won this week in a barn-burner while Notre Dame got handed their third straight loss yesterday. The Browns meanwhile are an automatic loss, so Hunt will need this Ballbuster Pick to break even for the week.

Jake: "I must be crazy right? Ryan Fitzpatrick is starting. CJ Spiller has rushed for eight yards on nine carries, Lee Evans didn’t catch a ball last week, and New England is two weeks past running train on Cincinnati. Yea. I’m crazy. I’m changing my pick…effective immediately." Good to see Jake Young back for a second straight week. For those of you that do not know, Jake took over Matt Barnes' old job in Augusta, GA as the weekend sports anchor for WRDW. Word on the street is that WRDW was looking to get a little "blacker." Their words ... not mine.

My Pick: NE (-14.5)

DETROIT @ MINNESOTA (-11.5)

"I don't think Father Flynn did anything wrong." - Sister James

I honestly don't think Brett Favre was that bad last week. Yes he looks older, and yes, no one expected him to repeat his 2009 performance, but I honestly think he has enough in the tank to get this Vikings team to the playoffs.

Now if he loses this one, I will have to reconsider that notion.

My Pick: MIN (-11.5)

Boesch: "The Lions have been screwed over in both of their games, so they’ll keep it close. This week, my guess is Brett Favre quits mid-game, and Tarvaris Jackson leads a game-winning drive at the end. Yay Detroit!" Thus far, the "Yay Detroit" has been my favorite league saying of 2010.

Schaf: "How long before Favre just starts having two lineman carry him to the line every play? It'd be kind of like Byron Leftwich, except he's just an old jerk." Is Leftwich still injured from that game in college? Has he ever recovered?

Kevin: "I don't care how many points he's getting... take Shaun Hill on the road?? I don't know anything about this league anymore anyway." Don't look now but the Lions are 2-0 ATS thus far. T is for trends.

Jake: "My friend was in Green Bay last week and said the crowd gave a standing ovation when it the Vikes’ loss showed on the scoreboard. I’m not really going anywhere with this comment. I just wanted people to know." As I type this comment, Brett Favre's Wrangler Jeans commercial just aired. If this isn't a sign from above that Favre will be victorious this week, then God must be a Lions fan. And since we all know about Detroit, this certainly can not be the case.

SAN FRANCISCO (-2.5) @ KANSAS CITY

"I will do what needs to be done, though I'm damned to Hell! You should understand that, or you will mistake me." - Sister Aloysius

Kansas City has done just enough to be 2-0, while the 49ers have done just enough to be 0-2. I think Vegas is mistaken on this line.

My Pick: KC (+2.5)

Schaf: "Alex Smith played well? On Monday night? In New Orleans? Yeah, doesn't sound right to me either." That's like saying Romeo Crennel wasn't hungry? On Tuesday night? In Buffalo Wild Wings?

Jake: "Patrick Willis is one of the most terrifying looking people I’ve ever seen. And I’m even more scared of Takeo Spikes. I’d feel more uncomfortable in a dark alley with these guys than I would with Ray Lewis. I’m too scared to pick against them." You'd never see Ray Lewis in that alley. He would Paul Pierce you and then run. That's what he does.

Boesch: "So wait, I’m getting points and taking a 2-0 team in a hostile environment over an 0-2 team. This won’t end well." Kind of like Charlie Weis after surgery ... it just won't end well for anyone involved.

Kevin: "I want to see San Fran lose close so Mike Singletary's head explodes." Speaking of coach's explosions, take a look at this ...

CINCINNATI (-2.5) @ CAROLINA

"Jimmy? Come on! You're serving today." - Christine

It's the first line of the movie Doubt and couldn't be more appropriate for Jimmy Clausen's first NFL start. While I'm not on Brady Quinn-level of excitedness, I will be rooting for Jimmy. Once a ND quarterback, always a ND quarterback. Unless you are named Pat Dillingham, Carlyle Holliday, Matt LoVecchio, Arnaz Battle (literally), Jarious Jackson, Ron Powlus ... my head hurts.

My Pick: CIN (-2.5)

Jake: "I was at the Laundromat today and the only other person there was a mom who was screaming at her three young boys. What was the first thing she pulled out of the dryer? A Panthers jersey. I immediately understood why she was so upset." Jake looking for his first QOTW honor.

Boesch: "I’m driving up to Cleveland next weekend for the Browns-Bengals game because I use my time wisely." Aw yes, I remember when I used to go to Browns games. Don't know if I've ever been to a good one ... ever.

Kevin: "Everything points to Jimmy Clausen having a terrible, Joe Flacco-esque day. Although, in Brady Quinn's first start in the NFL he had a passer rating of 104.3 against the Broncos. See how much of a mirror Jimmy is." Speaking of Quinn, we will have a new award at the end of the year. It will be the Brady Quinn Keep Your Head Up Award, and will go to the person who needs it the most.

Schaf: "How are the Panthers not running every play out of the wildcat?" Whenever I can't find an explanation I usually blame affirmative action. Usually it's applicable.

ATLANTA @ NEW ORLEANS (-4.5)

"You have no right to act on your own! You have taken vows, obedience being one! You answer to us! You have no right to step outside the church!" - Father Flynn

With Drew Brees being one of the leaders in the NFLPA, this quote makes plenty of sense if you substitute the Church for the NFL, and Sister Aloysius for Brees.

Watch out folks, there might not be any football next year.

My Pick: NO (-4.5)

Boesch: "I had a five-minute conversation with a random drunk girl at a party about how sexy Drew Brees is. That was fun." Please tell me the birth-mark came up. I want to hear that story.

Schaf: "I'm picking this one out of my love for the Dirty Birds and spite for the Saints not covering last week...all those signs point to a big win for New Orleans." It's pretty sad and pathetic that I'm still searching for Katrina jokes at this point. It's even more sad and more pathetic that it took me approximately 1.3 seconds to look at Schaf's comment, think to myself, "if you just add a 'd' to the end of 'win,' it would read, 'a big wind for New Orleans.'" Yeah, I'm going to hell.

Jake: "SEABISCUIT PICK OF THE WEEK: The Falcons, even with weak running back depth, are going to pull even with the Champs in this great early season match up." I'll take Things That Won't Happen for $400 Alex.

Kevin: "So I have Michael Turner and Drew Brees in fantasy?? This is bound to be a 9-7 Saints win." Let's stay here and go with $500 Alex.

PITTSBURGH (-2.5) @ TAMPA BAY

"When you take a step to address wrongdoing, you are taking a step away from God, but in his service." - Sister Aloysius.

Does that make Big Ben a saint? I mean, think of all the people who have had to address his wrongDOings. They are all working in God's service, right?

My Pick: PIT (-2.5)

Kevin: "GUS JOHNSON PICK OF THE WEEK: Taking the Bucs as a 2.5 point dog at home. Gus will absolutely make this game, too, considering Pittsburgh is back on its nth string QB, TB's QB is still raw and both defenses might have great days at the office. Gus knows he has about three big plays possible in this one. Let's see if Tampa Bay has 'Gettin away from the Big Ben' speed." Let's hope that catch-phrase gains as much momentum as the Romo Is Homo from one year ago.

Schaf: "When Dixon and Leftwich were battling for the temporary starting spot I remember thinking, 'I wonder who their third-string QB is, there's no way Charlie Batch is still in the league.' Who's got egg on their face now? Certainly not me, this guy has no business playing." Is that what Big Ben told that little girl in the bathroom? "Who's got egg on their face now?"

Jake: "At first I was amused by such a small line, but then I remembered Pittsburgh only kicks field goals until Big Ben is back. And then I remembered that the Steelers might need only one field goal all game to cover the spread in this one." Over/under on longest passing play ... 28.5 yards.

Boesch: "The Steelers may be a Super Bowl team. It’s so easy to be a Steelers fan. I’m bitter." And it's so easy to get raped by Big Ben ... or at least allegedly get raped by Big Ben.

TENNESSEE @ NEW YORK GIANTS (-3.5)

"I can fight you." - Father Flynn
"You will lose." - Sister Aloysius

Both these teams thought they could fight last week against decent teams (IND + PIT), but both got steamrolled. If Kerry Collins even sniffs the field this week, the Titans will definitely lose.

My Pick: TEN (+3.5)

Schaf: "Do old west saloons still exist? That's the only place I can imagine Kerry Collins ever being." I could see him hanging out there. And Rick Mirer would be the bartender.

Kevin: "Ken Jones Moment of this week: When I first started picking games with the legend from Seneca Wire in Fostoria, there wasn't even a team in Tennessee. I feel like I should take the G-men just for that reason." I remember being in 2nd or 3rd grade and watching Kevin fill in those picks at school and thinking that it was the coolest things I've ever seen. And here I am.

Jake: "I kind of hope Cortland Finnegan fights Eli Manning. The Manning face in that scenario would probably be one for the Hall of Fame." If it isn't in already.

Boesch: "I have nothing interesting to say about this game. Two boring teams who will be 8-8 or 9-7. So, here’s the chance to talk about Lou Holtz’s 'Dr. Lou' segment. I watched the Boise State one and giggled the ENTIRE time. Then, at the end, I stopped. I worry he will have a heart attack at ESPN, by either doing that or having to work with Mark May on a daily basis." Mark Sanchez, Trent Dilfer, and Mark May. That's the car load I want to see in a car-wreck.

CLEVELAND @ BALTIMORE (-10.5)

"The dragon is hungry." - Father Flynn

After Baltimore lost to AFC North rival Cincinnati last week you can guarantee they are hungry for a massive victory against the weakest AFC North team of the bunch. And it has been more than ten years since Ray Lewis killed a guy ... so one would think he's probably pretty hungry in that respect. Having said that, since Flacco screwed my fantasy team last week I'm putting him and his team on a one-game suspension.

My Pick: CLE (+10.5)

Boesch: "I saw Stanford crushed Notre Dame this week (sorry, Luke), and I thought about Andrew Luck as a Brown. That’s how bad it has gotten." It's gotten so bad I've thought about Nate Montana as a Brown.

Kevin: "I'm not convinced Baltimore can score a lot of points. I'm also not convinced I can score with a girl. Both could be answered if I ever make a trip to Baltimore in September." Cannot think of Baltimore without mentioning The Wire, which I am currently watching thanks to DirecTV's 101 Network. Ten episodes in and it's already better than LOST in my book. Stringer is my favorite character, no question about it.

Jake: "This could be questionable considering the Ravens can’t seem to score more than ten, but maybe (insert Browns’ starting quarterback name here) will want so bad to be Ray Lewis’ friend, that he’ll just keep throwing him the ball. I mean, if a bear can learn how to talk just to be his friend, he must be pretty cool. Or he’s sent 'be my friend or I’ll kill you threats.' Or maybe Old Spice really does just smell that good." Old Spice smells like acquittal.

Schaf: "Some teams have players that qualify as match-up nightmares. The Browns are more like a match-up dream where you hook up with Mila Kunis in Hawaii. Guess what movie I just watched." I'm not sure, but it sounds like Schaffer is from London.

DALLAS @ HOUSTON (-3.5)

"Doubt can be a bond as powerful and sustaining as certainty. When you are lost, you are not alone." - Father Flynn

I need to address an e-mail sent to me by Luke Polito. Little Po, in not so many words, took issue with me for doubting his Houston Texans. Now obviously he was fueled by the emotional overtime victory against the Washington Redskins, so it was nice to see that passion transcribed into an e-mail. So on that level, thanks Luke, keep 'em coming.

Now on the purely football level, his Texans are 2-0 and there's reason to take pride in that. But there is a clear difference between 2-0 and 10-6. Houston has two big obstacles in their way: Indianapolis and Tennessee. You have to play the divisional game when it comes to the NFL, and right now I still have them as the third best team in the AFC South. Would they be the best team in the NFC West? Absolutely. But that's not the way it works.

Hey, I'm rooting for them, I really am. But I just don't think they will win consistently enough this year to make the playoffs. Do with this as you will, my 14-18 ATS record says they will win the Super Bowl.

My Pick: DAL (+3.5)

Kevin: "When going gets tough, The tough fire coach Wade Phillips. Romo is homo." It only took three weeks to get that first Kevin Hunt haiku. Some things are just worth the wait.

Boesch: "I feel like Jerry Jones is going to have recruiting visits for a new head coach. Wade Phillips has more chance of lasting than newspapers." Thus far Boesch has won a week in our actual standings, taken the early lead in the Bill Walton and Gus Johnson Awards, and has an undefeated F'd Up Pick of the Week, but he has not won a QOTW yet. This one might end that.

Schaf: "I have a lot of fantasy stock invested in the Cowboys this season, but now that my Andre Johnson man crush has returned in full force (no Romo) I have no problem taking the Texans in this one." It's my dream that the "no Romo" turns into our version of the "not that there's anything wrong with that" from Seinfeld.

Jake: "Hey Miles Austin. Couldn’t help but notice you lost me two points with your fumble last week. You’re not the one that’s supposed to be getting stripped. That’s your girlfriend. Now that we’re clear…" Here comes Jake Young racing up the Bill Walton ladder.

PHILADELPHIA (-2.5) @ JACKSONVILLE

"You just want things to be resolved so you can have simplicity back." - Sister Aloysius

This Philadelphia QB controversy needs to be resolved. Here's to hoping it doesn't. It makes for better TV.

Personally, I relate all QB controversies with the DA-Quinn battle. DA was a recipient of circumstances while Quinn was a victim of circumstances. Seems here that Vick is DA and Kolb is, albeit unfortunately, Quinn.

My Pick: JAX (+2.5)

Jake: "I would be Mike Vick’s dog if he led my fantasy team to victory just one week." Would have been better if Jake would have stuck with last week's verb. 'I would be Mike Vick's dog if he electrified my fantasy team to victory' ... just saying.

Boesch: "Say what you want about Mike Vick off the field, but he is ridiculously fun to watch. Way cooler than Kevin Kolb." Christ, David Garrard is way cooler than Kevin Kolb. And on that note, Matt Barnes is ALMOST cooler than Kevin Kolb.

Kevin: "Why do I have a feeling David Garrard could show up Mike Vick this week?? Maybe it's because I feel like Andy Reid doesn't have enough heartburn already. The record for 'Most Coaches with Possible Death Rates of 90% or higher in One Place' had to be preseason game three -- Eagles at Chefs -- Andy Reid, Romeo Crennel, Charlie Weis. whoa." Good thing Weis was up in the booth, no way those three guys could fit on the same field.

Schaf: "What's the over-under on threats Andy Reid received about what would happen if he started Kolb? Seriously though, Kolb's their guy...once Vick's contract is up and they lose another superior QB." I don't understand the racial issues here. I mean, if Vick was a white guy who could run really fast he'd be ... Tim Tebow.

WASHINGTON (-3.5) @ ST. LOUIS

"Where is your compassion?" - Father Flynn
"No where you can get at it." - Sister Aloysius

Speaking of the unattainable ... how about a Sunday Ticket win? After going 13-4 last year, I lose my first two picks this season. Wow. Here's to hoping Donovan McNabb can find it.

My Pick: WAS (-3.5) - Sunday Ticket Not Gonna Watch Pick of the Week

Jake: "I’ve been sitting here for three minutes thinking of what I want to say about this game, and all I came up with was, Chunky Soup. Then it reminded me I got chunky in the last year. Then it almost made me change my pick because Mama McNabb made me this way." Some hated it, but I loved the three minute opening for The Office last week.

Kevin: "The old Redskins would find a way to lose to the Rams. The new Redskins will find a way to make it closer than it needs to be." Staying with the week in television, Modern Family was terrific and It's Always Sunny was okay. "You told me it was a phone bill, of course I signed it."

Schaf: "The Redskins might be a contender in the not-so-dominant NFC East. The Rams? Well, just ask Dennis Green." Let's just make this the TV contest. Don't have any contender's for new TV show that I enjoyed, but Eastbound and Down starts tonight on HBO. If you don't watch, well, then you are f*&#ing out."

Boesch: "I did not pick St. Louis 3 games in a row. I almost did, but I realized how stupid that would be." I almost watched Hawaii Five-O last week, but then realized how stupid that would be.

INDIANAPOLIS (-5.5) @ DENVER

"You will tell me what you have done." - Sister Aloysius

Since being traded to the Denver Broncos, all Brady Quinn has done is met Matt Barnes and signed an autograph for the KOA. After two straight weeks of being on the inactive list, I'm not sure if he even remembers what an NFL jersey looks like at this point.

My Pick: IND (-5.5)

Schaf: "With the days of Ed McCaffrey long gone I might be starting to legitimately dislike the Broncos. Looking at Kyle Orton under any circumstance just makes me angry." I just now realized that McCaffrey is NOT still playing under the assumed name of Brandon Stokley.

Kevin: "This could be the year the Colts go all Katy Perry on us -- Hot and Cold. The award which, btw, I'm probably among the leaders to receive. Holy Week Two, Batman." You and half the league Hunt.

Jake: "Bad situation for the Broncos. Mourning the loss of a teammate and now facing one of the league’s best teams. There are more important things than football, and unfortunately, that won’t lead to a positive outcome this week." (Silently giving myself a pat-on-the-back for refraining from a McKinley joke ... read on to see how close I got)

Boesch: "Remember when Tim Tebow was relevant?" One play Boesch, he's one play away. I still think we are going to have a seamless transition from the end of Favre's career to the beginning of Tebow's.

SAN DIEGO (-5.5) @ SEATTLE

"Sister, I don't know if you and me are on the same side. I'll be standing with my son and those who are good with my son. It'd be nice to see you there." - Mrs. Miller

Norv Turner vs. Pete Carroll. Not sure who's side I'm on with this one. But I do know that Seattle usually plays tough at home and Norv Turner usually loses games he should win.

My Pick: SEA (+5.5)

Kevin: "I might take Seattle in all eight of its home games, regardless of the spread. I feel like Pete Carroll will do anything to make sure they get wins at home to satisfy the fans. Well, anything except cheat." Pete Carroll:Derek Jeter::Cheaters:Cheaters.

Jake: "I picked up Vincent Jackson in my fantasy league as a preemptive strike for when he ended up with a team this week and could get me big points. Damn you A.J. Smith, damn you." Staying with the negativity towards GM's, I'm a little upset at Gar Forman for not including Joakim Noah in a potential trade for Carmelo Anthony. Yes, I understand his thinking, but if his goal is to win championships, you have to take a chance. The Bulls, right now are not championship contenders. With Melo, they COULD be.

Schaf: "I still laugh every time I hear Cris Carter's, 'Scramble? Have you seen Philip Rivers scramble?' And no, I haven't." Rivers is a recent graduate from the Bernie Kosar School of Scrambling.

Boesch: "There are a lot of home teams getting points this year, and I’m taking very few of them. Because I am good at this game…not." Sandbagger finished in the money his first year and has never had a losing record.

OAKLAND @ ARIZONA (-4.5)

"There are people who go after your humanity, sister. They tell you that the light in your heart is a weakness. Don't believe it. It's an old tactic of cruel people to kill kindness in the name of virtue. There's nothing wrong with love." - Father Flynn

While there certainly is nothing with love, there is something seriously wrong with this league when Bruce Gradkowski vs. Derek Anderson is allowed to take place. Somewhere Brady Quinn just ... (was going to insert a Kenny McKinley joke, but it's probably too soon ... I'll wait till next week).

My Pick: OAK (+4.5)

Boesch: "F'D UP PICK OF THE WEEK: Arizona and Oakland in this weeks F’d Up Pick of the Week. These two teams are pretty F’d in the 2010 NFL season, so it’s fitting they would be in this pick. Here goes nothing (road team rolls first)

1: Each team starts off with 7, which is not common for a Derek Anderson or Jason Campbell offense. 7-7 tie.
2: Oakland seizes a three-point lead, winning roll two 9-6. 16-13 OAK.
3: Fitting roll for both of these teams. Each with a four. 20-17 OAK.
4: Big effort for Oakland, with double 5’s and a 6. Arizona can only muster an 8. 36-25 OAK.
5: Back-to-back doubles for Oakland, but this one a pedestrian 2-2-4 effort. Arizona with a rough showing thus far, only getting a 7. 44-32 OAK at the half.
6: Oakland with an 11 out of the locker room. But the Cardinals are trying to make it interesting, with double 5’s but only a 1 on the and-one. Big miss there. 55-43 OAK.
7: The Raiders are trying to let Zona back in here. The Raiders with a four, while the Cardinals post an 11. 59-54 OAK.
8: This is a ballgame yet again. Arizona with a 9-6 victory in the round. We’ve had two great F’d Up matches so far, and this one is getting interesting late. Kind of in the chubby dudes fighting over the last piece of cheesecake. 65-63 OAK.
9: Only a 3 for Oakland. GOLDEN opportunity for Arizona…and the Cardinals take advantage with Double 5’s! The and-one is a 3. Huge turn of events. Arizona’s first lead of the night, and it’s a big one. 76-68 ARI.
10: Oakland goes down with little fight. Only a 3. Cardinals close out with a 4. Arizona wins it 80-71. Great comeback for the Cardinals, so the pick is Arizona -4.5." Has there ever been a game more deserving than this for Boesch's F'd Up Pick? Ever?

Schaf: "Actual Adam Schefter quote from this week: 'That's why they're sticking with Gradkowski: it's a favorable match-up against the Cardinals.' Using this logic, the Raiders could get away with starting Cade McNown at QB...and use Barnes to spy Derek Anderson the whole game." Using that logic, the Raiders could get away with starting Helen Keler at QB ... and use Ray Charles to spy Derek Anderson the whole game.

Jake: "I don’t know if Darren McFadden has learned how to speak coherently since his Heisman appearance in college (I dare you to tell me what he’s saying at the 1:05 mark of this… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4BxKNcsUZHI), but he has seemed to remember how to play football at least." That's what she said at the :52 mark.

NEW YORK JETS @ MIAMI (-2.5)

"He's a fidgety boy. He will do anything to get out of his seat. He would set his foot on fire for half a day out of school." - Sister Aloysius.

No, Braylon Edwards didn't set his foot on fire, but he is rather fidgety when it comes to staying out of trouble. For instance:

- October 2008: Pulled over for going 120 mph in a 65.

- October 2009: Punches close friend of LeBron James, and is arrested for misdemeanor assault.

- September 2010: DWI.

Oh, and there is the whole not being able to catch the football thing.

My Pick: NYJ (+2.5)

Kevin: "LeBron James and Mark Sanchez could be in the same city at the same time Sunday night. I might never dislike the city of Miami any more than I do that day. Suck it, Miami!!" If they put up The Promise billboard down there, that could do it.

Schaf: "Why couldn't Sanchez have been driving?" According to Boesch it's because he's a role model for Mexican-Americans. Which means he was probably picking tomatoes or something.

Boesch: "I asked my two friends about what they thought of when they see Rex Ryan. Got 'elephant' and 'Ruben Studdard-like'. Yep." We're getting close ...

Jake: "The Fins’ defense probably hit Favre too many times last week. I’ve heard that you can contract 'old' through touch. So, they’re probably going to be a little too slow and constipated this week. Get these guys some prunes!!" Annnd we made it. Yes, these are my friends.

GREEN BAY (-2.5) @ CHICAGO

"Even if you feel certainty, it is an emotion not a fact." - Father Flynn

I am certain the Green Bay Packers are going to cover this spread. The fact is, I've never seen Jay Cutler be good for three straight weeks ... ever.

My Pick: GB (-2.5)

Schaf: "So dating a reality TV star is helping Jay Cutler's game...I thought Vanderbilt was the smart SEC school." Being the smartest SEC school is like being the shortest midget.

Boesch: "Aaron Rodgers v. Jay Cutler shouldn’t be this fascinating, but it is. This could be the game of the week." Uh, did you forget that Oakland and Arizona were suiting it up this week?

Kevin: "Back the Pack cause the Pack is Back!!" I heart the NFL.

Jake: "Jay Cutler can throw for 700 yards for all I care. All I want to see is those five or six interceptions. Long live A-Rod." Finally Monday Night Football gets a game worth watching.

So there you go, the week three column. Go see Doubt.

Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."

2010 NFL ATS Pick 'Em: Week Two QOTW

By: Luke Florence
Two hours into Sunday's games, I received a text from league member Jake Young. He wrote, "This probably has potential to be the worst week ever for our league."

While it certainly was a bad week for a good number of us, it wasn't a Titanic-like drowning. Yes, only two league members finished the week with a plus .500 record, and yes, more than half of us won six games or less.

It was bad, but it could have been much worse.

We could have been Anthony Tynan.

Congratulations to Shane Kline who went 10-6 and posted the best record for week two. Kline used that ten-win week to grab a share of the overall league lead with Erik Smith. Besides Tynan's 0-16 mark, Devin Frank and Luke Polito both went a miserable 4-12 to drop them to the bottom of the standings.

Speaking of standings, here are our award standings after two weeks.

GUS JOHNSON AWARD STANDINGS (after two weeks)

1) Brian Boesch - with Barnes and Hunt both missing a week already, Boesch has put some distance between him and the field.

2) Jeff Schaffer - two weeks in and Schaf appears ready to follow Boesch's path to success ... win Rookie of the Year, and then Gus the year after.

3-tie) Matt Barnes - a missed second week drops Barnes a bit.

3-tie) Kevin Hunt - glad to have Hunt back ... didn't feel like an actual Sunday with his absence in week one.

5) Jake Young - his Reds parallels might have hit home harder if I actually knew half of them ... loved the effort though.

SWAMI AWARD STANDINGS

1-tie) Kevin Hunt's Ballbuster Pick of the Week (2-0) - KC over CLE.

1-tie) Brian Boesch's F'd Up Pick of the Week (2-0) - GB over BUF.

3) Luke Florence's Sunday Ticket Not Gonna Watch Pick of the Week (0-2) - CAR lost to TB.

4-tie) Kevin Hunt's Gus Johnson Pick of the Week (0-1) - JAX lost to DEN.

4-tie) Jake Young's Seabiscuit Pick of the Week (0-1) - JAX lost to DEN.

"If I went against the Falcons in this one I'd be giving up on the season after one week ... not because a playoff team should easily beat the Cardinals, but because it would mean admitting that Derek Anderson isn't awful." - Jeff Schaffer.

"The Browns are definitely an improved team, but they should try to start getting Colt McCoy some snaps in the fourth quarter .... an inexperienced rookie under center will perform much better during crunch time than the alternative." - Jeff Schaffer.

"All I want out of this game is for Mike Mitchell to destroy Sam Bradford, since I certainly can't hope for good football to be played." - Jeff Schaffer.

"Second straight week I’m picking the Rams. That’s like deciding to go to a Rams game twice. Really dumb." - Brian Boesch.

"I had a dream this week that I had both Michael Bush and Darren McFadden on my fantasy team and was terrified because of it. Then I remembered that just a few years ago, I actually had both Bush and McFadden on my fantasy team. Do with this as you will." - Kevin Hunt.

"Mark Sanchez…pretty face, not much of a quarterback. Billy Bray…got sideburns like mine, not much of a pitcher. Yeah, it’s the same." - Jake Young.

"The Fighting Romos of San Francisco won't understand the whole "Who Dat??" thing. I know, I know -- just read it again and you'll get it." - Kevin Hunt.

10-tie) "Vick is gonna make the Lions his dogs." - Kevin Hunt.

10-tie) "This game should be tighter than Ines Sainz… ‘s Jeans." - Brian Boesch.

9) "The Browns are Jim Edmonds. Like Jake 'Of the man' Delhomme, an over the hill, oft injured, mostly ineffective veteran has been added to the team to add leadership and some extra punch. Leadership…check, I guess. Extra punch…uhh, define punch again??" - Jake Young.

8) "Philip Rivers admitted he does not swear when going crazy on the sidelines. Imagine what kind of words he has said. It’s like the two burglars in Home Alone. How in the world do they not swear ONCE while getting destroyed by a five-year-old future drug addict?" - Brian Boesch.

7) "The Bengals are Brandon Phillips. I love them both, but they can’t seem to shut their mouths at the right time, and usually their threats end up being all talk. I just hope the Bengals don’t end up in a Reds-Cardinals type brawl this week because Ray Lewis will Johnny Cueto all of them, except instead of kicking them, he’ll kill them." - Jake Young.

6) "Sure, Revis put anyone in the league on an island, but the Jets need about 19 islands to shut down all the Patriot receivers. This ain't Indonesia." - Jeff Schaffer.

5) "I saw a kid at a high school game this week. 6-6, 320. Instantly thought of Albert Haynesworth. Good free agent signing, Washington." - Brian Boesch.

4) "Do I think the Bucs are reborn?? Aw hall naw, brah!! Jimmy Clausen might play in this game. Which means he'll probably start a few more times this year and then get traded to Denver for a running back who fumbles the ball." - Kevin Hunt.

3) "Since Michael Vick is Willie Beamen, Andy Reid will probably give a Pacino-esque pre-game speech, something like, 'The lunches we need are everywhere around us!'" - Jeff Schaffer.

2) "Imagine having your girlfriend turn down your proposal at a sporting event (Galarraga’s near perfect game) and then your employer pull down your pants in front of your whole office (Calvin Johnson’s near touchdown). That’s Detroit, baby!" - Brian Boesch.

1) "Canton is planning to open it's new NFL Hall of Shame, first ballot inductees include: O. J. Simpson, Lawrence Taylor, Nate Newton, Plaxico Burress, Travis Henry, Adam Jones, Donte Stallworth, Michael Irvin and of course Big Ben. Nominations remain open until the Browns win the Super Bowl. Rumor has it Chris Henry was dying to get in." - BESS Club.

BILL WALTON AWARD STANDINGS (after two weeks)

1) Brian Boesch - 37

2) Jeff Schaffer - 30

3) Matt Barnes - 18

4) BESS Club - 10

5) Kevin Hunt - 8

6) Jake Young - 6

7) Jason Fazzone - 3

Congratulations to the BESS Club for winning the week two quote of the week. They join Matt Barnes as the two competitors in the quote of the year award and they vaulted into 4th place in the Bill Walton Award.

Here's to fifteen more weeks of fun.

Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."

2010 NFL ATS Pick 'Em: Week Two

By: Luke Florence

For teams like the Arizona Cardinals and Tampa Bay Buccaneers, week one will be as good as it gets. They are coming off a win, tied for first place, and feeling pretty good about themselves. At the end of the year they both could very well be 4-12 teams, but right now they share the same record as the defending Super Bowl champs.

With a select few league members, week one could be as good as it gets too. More than half the league started with a winning record, which is a stunning feat. Just the fact that all 28 members turned in picks on time is an accomplishment in itself, and knowing our league history, might be the only time this happens.

On the flip side, week one might be as bad as it gets for some. The Indianapolis Colts, San Diego Chargers, Dallas Cowboys and Corey Taylor all entered the year with high expectations and all left week one proverbial losers.

Only time will tell whether week one was an aberration or the beginning of a season long trend.

ARIZONA @ ATLANTA (-6.5)

"What if this is as good as it gets?" - Melvin

For Derek Anderson and the Arizona Cardinals, this is as good as it will get. For Matt Ryan and the Atlanta Falcons, they can only hope last week was as bad as it will get.

My Pick: ATL (-6.5)

Boesch: "Derek Anderson beat me by a half point last week. He prevented me from my best record of my career. In other news, Jake Delhomme is my favorite team’s starting quarterback. In the words of Jim Carrey in Liar Liar: 'I’ve had better.'" DA played like DA and Delhomme played like Delhomme last week. THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE.

Hunt: "I think I'll just cal this the 'Michael Turner pick of the week.' Or maybe the 'Charlie Brown Pick of the Season' -- just always picking the Falcons. Not only does it mean I'm picking for Jeff Schaffer (I'm featured in a podcast up on his blog right now: spideronsports.blogspot.com) but it means I'm picking to prove Yahoo! Sports and Belkin Internet Routers wrong. I don't wanna go through the whole story, but GO MICHAEL TURNER!!" Welcome back Kevin Hunt! Fitting he starts his run at a 3rd Gus Johnson Award by telling a story of how he "Kevin Hunted" his fantasy team by accidentally drafting Michael Turner instead of Chris Johnson. Luckily for me, I had the 2nd pick. Thanks Hunt, always on the look-out for others.

Schaf: "If I went against the Falcons in this one I'd be giving up on the season after one week ... not because a playoff team should easily beat the Cardinals, but because it would mean admitting that Derek Anderson isn't awful." That's just crazy talk man.

Jake: The Cardinals have an offense that is lacking its trademark firepower, other than Larry Fitzgerald, and the Reds have ace reliever Arthur Rhodes trying to hold his shaky bullpen together to close out games." Jake Young opens his 2010 campaign by comparing each match-up to a Cincinnati Reds player.

TAMPA BAY @ CAROLINA (-2.5)

"A compliment is something nice about somebody else." - Carol

I can't think of a single nice thing to say about any of these teams so ...

My Pick: CAR (-2.5) - Sunday Ticket Not Gonna Watch Pick of The Week

Hunt: "Do I think the Bucs are reborn?? Aw hall naw, brah!! Jimmy Clausen might play in this game. Which means he'll probably start a few more times this year and then get traded to Denver for a running back who fumbles the ball." Always thought Clausen had more pro potential than Quinn, but that Quinn found ways to win games. In other words, Clausen:Weis::Quinn:Kelly.

Boesch: "This will be my weekly update on whether or not I have found a Carolina fan. I haven’t. If you are a Panthers fan, please comment on this page. I want photographic evidence…and then an autograph if it seems legit." This could take a while.

Schaf: "To me, Carolina's QB controversy is the most interesting in the league. Sure Jimmy Clausen was the higher draft pick, but Tony Pike had a lot of big-game experience in college and was a Heisman front-runner before he got hurt his senior year. Wait, what? Matt Moore is their starter? Oh my." Somewhere Dick Enberg is smiling. Kudos to everyone who got that joke.

Jake: "Tampa Bay, I suspect is like Chris Valaika. When Brandon Phillips was injured recently, Valaika jumped in and hit a home run and looked great at the plate. Then Phillips came back, and it was all over. Tampa came back to beat the Browns last week, and I don’t expect them to be heard from again." Chris Valaika? Who?

BALTIMORE (-1.5) @ CINCINNATI

"Where do they teach you to talk like this? In some Panama City 'Sailor wanna hump-hump' bar, or is it getaway day and your last shot at his whiskey? Sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here." - Melvin

After sending Matt Barnes a text saying that Ray Lewis just killed Dustin Keller, the Promise promptly responded with, "And yet again, he won't get arrested."

Two murders and no convictions? I think that's plenty crazy.

My Pick: BAL (-1.5)

Jake: "The Bengals are Brandon Phillips. I love them both, but they can’t seem to shut their mouths at the right time, and usually their threats end up being all talk. I just hope the Bengals don’t end up in a Reds-Cardinals type brawl this week because Ray Lewis will Johnny Cueto all of them, except instead of kicking them, he’ll kill them." And then probably get away with it.

Boesch: "So Carson Palmer is still a good quarterback, right? Yea, and Roger Clemens didn’t use steroids." Yeah, and Derek Jeter got hit with that baseball.

Hunt: "A kid (and group project member) in one of my classes is a huge Baltimore fan. He's also a gambler and told me how he had a 4-team parlay last week with a lot of money on it. I don't remember all the teams, but two of them were Florida State (big loser to Oklahoma) and Georgia Tech (loser to big underdog Kansas). So naturally I have to root for this guy a little bit cause he gambles like I do: with as much nonsense as possible." Kevin does more group projects than anyone I've ever met.

KANSAS CITY @ CLEVELAND (-1.5)

"Come on in, and try not to ruin everything by being you." - Carol

This is essentially what Jake Delhomme did on Sunday. He ruined everything by being himself. Trying a stupid pass near the end of the 1st half. Then he injured his leg in the 2nd half and created the most un-mobile QB in the history of the league for a quarter-and-a-half. The Browns may or may not have won that game without him, but they certainly lost it with him.

My Pick: KC (+1.5)

Bess Club: "Canton is planning to open it's new NFL Hall of Shame, first ballot inductees include: O. J. Simpson, Lawrence Taylor, Nate Newton, Plaxico Burress, Travis Henry, Adam Jones, Donte Stallworth, Michael Irvin and of course Big Ben. Nominations remain open until the Browns win the Super Bowl. Rumor has it Chris Henry was dying to get in." Congrats BESS Club, you might have won the quote of the week on your very first try. Well done.

Hunt: "BALLBUSTER PICK OF THE WEEK: It's week 4 of the high school football season. The Bishop Ready Silver Knights are headed on the road to battle Nelsonville-York, so I'm taking the road team in the 4th game listed. Something tells me it's the year of the Ballbuster." Year of the Ballbuster sounds like a Barry Bonds tell-all book to me.

Jake: "The Browns are Jim Edmonds. Like Jake 'Of the man' Delhomme, an over the hill, oft injured, mostly ineffective veteran has been added to the team to add leadership and some extra punch. Leadership…check, I guess. Extra punch…uhh, define punch again??" I still can't believe Jake Delhomme plays for the Browns. Don't know if I ever will.

Schaf: "The Browns are definitely an improved team, but they should try to start getting Colt McCoy some snaps in the fourth quarter .... an inexperienced rookie under center will perform much better during crunch time than the alternative." Again, I hate my life.

Boesch: "I can see how the Browns could win this game, but I also thought the Browns were going to be just fine in Tampa Bay. I get a Cleveland opponent AND points after the team playing the Browns had its biggest win in four years. Vegas is smarter than me, but even Albert Einstein had a brain fart here and there." This line makes no sense, and has me sensing a Browns victory, especially with no Delhomme.

CHICAGO @ DALLAS (-8.5)

"If there's a mental health organization that raises money for people like you, be sure to let me know." - Frank

Frank has to be talking to Wade Phillips and Alex Barron. Phillips had no business calling that final play in the second half that cost the Cowboys seven points, and Barron had no business getting called for that holding penalty on the final play of the game. Those two cost Dallas 14 points and a week one road victory.

My Pick: CHI (+8.5)

Schaf: "The fact that Alex Barron still has a job is unfathomable. That is all." Unemployed people all across the country should be appalled at this.

Boesch: "The Cowboys are a lot worse than people think…but so are the Bears. Lovie Smith has about as much chance to stay in Chicago as Ohio did yesterday against OSU." Kevin's 'Beat the Buckeyes' week didn't work out too well. Both OU and Bishop Ready lost this weekend.

Hunt: "Here is the supposed reason for the fumble at the end of the first half of last week's Dallas-Washington game ... Dallas had a Hail Mary play called, but then there was a penalty that moved the ball back. Instead of simply yelling, 'TAKE A KNEE!!!!!!!!' the Cowboys decided to stick with the play and not change it. Then Romo (who's Homo) did his best ole toss to Tashard Choice and the Redskins scored. I can't assume that team, coached by Wade Phillips, will win by nine." When you assume, you make an ass out of you and me.

Jake: "Jay Cutler is a risk/reward type of quarterback. Sometimes you get 400 yds and 3 TD, and other times you get 4 INT. Bronson Arroyo is the same for Cincinnati. Sometimes you get a complete game shutout, and other times he gives up nine runs in less than an inning. While I continue to hope for complete game shutouts for Bronson, I’m seeing more risk than reward in Dallas this weekend." Chicago is still waiting for this so-called reward from Jay Cutler.

PHILADELPHIA (-4.5) @ DETROIT

"You're a disgrace to depression." - Melvin

Hard not to see 'depression' and not think of Detroit, especially after the league took a win away from them last week. Approximately once a week I get up in arms with a call by the refs, and this went down on the Calvin Johnson TD call last Sunday.

Don't care what the rules say. That was a TD and we all know it.

My Pick: PHI (-4.5)

Hunt: "Vick is gonna make the Lions his dogs." Simple, funny, and a QOTW contender.

Jake: "Has anyone electrified the league more in one week than Mike Vick?? Has anyone electrified the baseball world more with one pitch than Aroldis Chapman?" Wrong choice of verbs Jake.

Boesch: "Imagine having your girlfriend turn down your proposal at a sporting event (Galarraga’s near perfect game) and then your employer pull down your pants in front of your whole office (Calvin Johnson’s near touchdown). That’s Detroit, baby!" Not to mention the Detroit Shock moved to Tulsa.

Schaf: "Since Michael Vick is Willie Beamen, Andy Reid will probably give a Pacino-esque pre-game speech, something like, 'The lunches we need are everywhere around us!'" You can always rely on Schaffer to continue to produce quality QOTW material. That's why he was the Rookie of the Year a season ago.

BUFFALO @ GREEN BAY (-13.5)

"Some have great stories, pretty stories that take place at lakes with boats and friends and noodle salad. Just no one in this car. But, a lot of people, that's their story. Good times, noodle salad. What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad, but that you're that pissed that so many others had it good." - Melvin

This could be the battle between the league's best team and the league's worst team. The Packers are sitting around eating noodle salad while the Bills are sitting in that car complaining about life. While I do think it's too early in the season for two touchdown spreads, there is no way I'm going to sit around on Sunday and root for Buffalo.

My Pick: GB (-13.5)

Boesch: "F'D UP PICK OF THE WEEK: So, it’s Green Bay and Buffalo. A big spread, but I would still pick the Packers. But that’s now how it works here. Road team rolls first.

1: Packers take an early 8-6 lead.
2: Green Bay dominating early on. Buffalo with only a four. Packers double 3’s with a 4 and-one. GB 18-10.
3: But just like that, the Bills go double 5’s with a 6. And the Packers respond with…DOUBLE 6’s! The and-one…a 6 AGAIN! Not another one…it’s a 1. After all of that, it’s GB 37-26.
4: Wow, yet another and-one for Buffalo after a pair of 2’s and a 6. Green Bay only musters a 3. It’s 40-36 GB.
5: The Bills with a respectable 7, but the Packers get ANOTHER and-one of 5’s with a 4 tacked on. It’s 54-43 GB at the half. Jake Young must have cuddled with the dice before we started.
6: This is unbelievable. Buffalo gets a 9. Green Bay with double 4’s and a 6. I’m amazed. Don’t look now, but the Packers are on pace for our first triple-digit effort in F’d Up Pick History. It’s 68-52 GB.
7: Buffalo is pretty much done…a 3 on its roll. The focus shifts to the Packers. The roll…DOUBLE 3’S!!!!!!!!! No way! Plus a 5 on the end. GB 79-55. I wish I was making this up.
8: Buffalo rolls a 10, and Green Bay…an 11! With two rolls left, the Packers have 90! GB 90-65.
9: Buffalo will have a very respectable score, and the Bills are going to get blown out. They just got a 9. Now the Packers in the spotlight: a respectable 7. That clinches triple digits for the Pack! 97-74 GB.
10: Buffalo with a 7, and the Packers get another 11! Amazing. Green Bay 108. Buffalo 81. The highest point total in F’d Up Pick History!" Kevin and I have been saying from day one that the F'd Up Tournament mimics real life. I have a thousand instances to prove that fact, and Boesch's F'd Up Pick of the Week is one of them. 108 points might actually be GB's total today.

Schaf: "This is a ludicrous spread for this early in the season...I would've made it 20.5." Remember back in 2007 when the Patriots were 24 point favorites ... on the road ... and were covering? That was fun.

Hunt: "As much as I like Notre Dame boy Ryan Grant, I think Brandon Jackson might actually be the answer for this team. Shane Kline (the proud owner of Aaron Rodgers) sure hopes so." Who is the best ND player in the NFL right now? Seriously? Justin Tuck?

Jake: "Greg Jennings is one of those glue guys that quietly gets the job done and always seems to do it in a Pro Bowl way. Reminds me of Scott Rolen. The Reds brought him in to bind the locker room and get big production at a position where you need a good bat and glove, and he’s done everything they’ve asked and more." Not sure I'm buying that comparison. Jake is making Scott Rolen sound like my dad's version of Casey Blake.

MIAMI @ MINNESOTA (-5.5)

"The best thing you have going for you is your willingness to humiliate yourself." - Simon

Some would say that Brett Favre humiliated himself last Thursday against the Saints. Others, myself included, would say that he faced the defending Super Bowl champions on the road without his top wide-out from a year prior. His success this year will be judged against teams the Vikings should beat ... like the Dolphins.

My Pick: MIN (-5.5)

Boesch: "This game should be tighter than Ines Sainz… ‘s Jeans." Boesch just missed out on the week one QOTW, and has another strong contender with this gem here in week two.

Hunt: "I'm warming a little to Brad Childress after he ditched the Bluetooth/dentist office receptionist headset during the games. Which means he'll probably put it back on for this week's game and I'll go back to hating him and the Vikes." Here's to hoping so.

Jake: "Brett Favre won’t fail to close the deal this week, but Coco Cordero succeeds more times than not as well. How else are they similar? Favre seems to come up short because of his own mistakes. Same with Cordero, who has a penchant for walking the bases loaded before actually getting serious. Also, fans seem to hold their breath when the ball leaves Favre’s hands late in the 4^th quarter. Reds fans turn blue in the face every time Coco steps out of the pen." Coco Cordero? Wow, I'm a long ways removed from baseball season. The Indians will do that to a guy.

PITTSBURGH @ TENNESSEE (-5.5)

"Lucky for you ... you're here for rock-bottom. You absolute horror of a human being." - Simon

Even though As Good As It Gets was written in 1997, the parallels between Simon's quote and Big Ben are legit.

My Pick: TEN (-5.5)

Boesch: "Role models in this contest at the quarterback position, no doubt." Favorite Role Models quote, "I'm not here to service you, I'm here to service these young boys."

Hunt: "I know the Steelers shut down Michael Turner last week, but Chris Johnson is a completely different player than Michael Turner. It's like Chris Johnson is a guy you'd choose #1 in your fantasy league this year and Turner is, well, somewhere later on." Don't know about everyone else, but I got Chris Johnson at #2 this year.

Jake: "Vince Young has shown flashes of brilliance in his career, surrounded by periods of indifference and blasé play. Sounds like Jay Bruce. He exploded out of the gate, just like VY’s rookie of the year season, and he’s been underwhelming with flashes of greatness ever since." Karma says Vince Young wins the MVP this year because of what happened with Reggie Bush and the Heisman.

SEATTLE @ DENVER (-3.5)

"I don't get this place. They make me buy a new outfit and let you in a housedress. I don't get it." - Melvin

Pretty sure Brady Quinn is thinking the same thing thus far in his early NFL career. Derek Anderson gets another chance to start. Quinn meanwhile, got put on the inactive list last week and might be there for a while longer. Like him, I don't get it either.

My Pick: SEA (+3.5)

Hunt: "Seattle = fluke." On Friday night I went out to celebrate a former co-worker's birthday. As we were getting ready to leave, one member of our party started to get into an argument with a group of guys from Seattle. I thought it was completely unnecessary, so I bought the three Seattle guys a round of drinks. To make a long story short, I ended up staying at the bar with the Seattle group, and had a great time. So for one week, go Seahawks.

Boesch: "Seattle only needs six more wins to wrap up the NFC West. I think this ATS league should enter a team in the division. I say at least 3 wins. Our ceiling is 5." Well, we do have OU's answer of Jeff Smaradzija in Jeff Schaffer.

Jake: "Kyle Orton stepped in with the Bears when Rex Grossman sucked. He never really wowed anyone with his stats, but more times than not, he got the win. Now he’s got the lead gig in Denver, and he’s proving he can have a team by himself. Travis Wood was the odd man out in Spring Training. The Reds put Mike Leake in the rotation instead. But, when injuries hurt the rotation, Wood stepped in and in a big way. He’s had two potential no-hitters broken up in the 7^th or later, even going 8 perfect innings against Philly. He’s proven he belongs." All Kyle Orton has proven is that he's better than Rex Grossman. Barely.

ST. LOUIS @ OAKLAND (-4.5)

"When you first entered the restaurant, I thought you were handsome ... and then, of course, you spoke." - Carol

When former Raiders QB JaMarcus Russell first entered the league, everyone thought he was good ... and then, of course, he played.

We will have to wait and see if the same holds true for Rams rookie Sam Bradford.

My Pick: OAK (-4.5)

Schaf: "All I want out of this game is for Mike Mitchell to destroy Sam Bradford, since I certainly can't hope for good football to be played." Bruce Gradkowski is like the 3rd best player on these two teams.

Boesch: "Second straight week I’m picking the Rams. That’s like deciding to go to a Rams game twice. Really dumb." People don't actually do that do they?

Hunt: "I had a dream this week that I had both Michael Bush and Darren McFadden on my fantasy team and was terrified because of it. Then I remembered that just a few years ago, I actually had both Bush and McFadden on my fantasy team. Do with this as you will." Hunt could do an entire week of comments based off crazy dreams he's had.

Jake: "Jason Campbell has never played particularly well, but the experts have always been waiting for him to become a top-10 quarterback. Homer Bailey has spent much of his career being the guy that was “this close” to becoming a top half of the rotation type. Experts in both sports are still waiting." I don't ever remember Jason Campbell being a supposedly top-ten QB. Maybe I missed something here.

NEW ENGLAND (-1.5) @ NEW YORK JETS

"I'm drowning here, and you're describing the water!" - Melvin

The Jets offense looked like they were deeply submerged in water on Monday night. Hard to tell if the root of that was Mark Sanchez or the Ravens defense.

Who am I kidding? San-chise sucks. I must have thought of San-chise a half-of-dozen times on Thursday during the premiere of It's Always Sunny. I could definitely see him sleeping with a Tranny and then calling the Tranny's husband gay.

My Pick: NE (-1.5)

Hunt: "Easy pick: Man Crush Wes Welker vs. Man Hate Mark San-chode." And it all comes back to It's Always Sunny. "We'd be two cool straight dudes married together."

Schaf: "Sure, Revis put anyone in the league on an island, but the Jets need about 19 islands to shut down all the Patriot receivers. This ain't Indonesia." There's an Indonesian restaurant here in Madison called Bandung. The second review I read online stated, "it did not make me want to go to Indonesia." Fair enough.

Jake: "Mark Sanchez…pretty face, not much of a quarterback. Billy Bray…got sideburns like mine, not much of a pitcher. Yeah, it’s the same." Are the Cardinals really losing to a team fielding a pitcher named Billy Bray?

Boesch: "The Jets as a Super Bowl Contender. That’s an LOL." With these Jets we are getting the definitive answer as to how much a QB means to a team. Good thing the Browns aren't taking notice.

JACKSONVILLE @ SAN DIEGO (-8.5)

"How do you write women so well?" - Receptionist
"I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability." - Melvin

If Norv Turner was Marty Schottenheimer, then Norv would be fishing right now. Marty went 14-2 with these Chargers, lost one playoff game, and got canned. Norv continues to field talented, underachieving teams. And this year he's lost some a lot of that talent. Not good.

My Pick: JAX (+8.5)

Hunt: "GUS JOHNSON PICK OF THE WEEK: Forgot this one in Week 1. My rule is: if a team is an underdog by more than 3 points in a game called by Gus Johnson, I'm taking that team. There might be a formula to this that includes an exception for West Coast games. Here's to hoping I figure out the formula before it becomes common knowledge." Love this idea.

Jake: "SEABISCUIT PICK OF THE WEEK: If it’s going to be my first special pick, I better go big. David Garrard had a renaissance type game last week, going back to his big season a couple years ago. And, like Reds reliever Nick Masset, the Chargers’ defense was once feared, but everyone feared the worst when they were on the field last week. Masset, like the Chargers, can get the job done (only gave up 74 passing yards), but it’s still a scary affair." Jake will back whichever underdog he thinks has the best chance of outright winning the game with his Seabiscuit Pick.

Boesch: "Philip Rivers admitted he does not swear when going crazy on the sidelines. Imagine what kind of words he has said. It’s like the two burglars in Home Alone. How in the world do they not swear ONCE while getting destroyed by a five-year-old future drug addict?" Wow, I never thought of that until now. Kind of ruins that great movie for me. Thanks.

Schaf: "I'm not saying he's bad, but I'll never understand Ryan Mathews being touted as a top-10 fantasy running back before playing a down." Or Sam Bradford being the highest paid player in the history of the league before doing the same.

HOUSTON (-2.5) @ WASHINGTON

"I can't do this without you. I'm afraid he might pull the stiff one-eye on me." - Melvin

The Texans had trouble beating the Colts until they found Arian Foster. The Redskins had trouble beating the Cowboys until they found Donovan McNabb and Mike Shanahan. One of these teams will start the year 2-0, and to be honest, I don't think either of them are that good.

My Pick: HOU (-2.5)

Schaf: "This was almost a hard game to pick, then I remembered the Redskins only won because of an awful play call to end a half and the worst right tackle depth chart ever. Sweet offense, Mike." Just like DJ Khaled, all Mike does is win.

Boesch: "I saw a kid at a high school game this week. 6-6, 320. Instantly thought of Albert Haynesworth. Good free agent signing, Washington." They've had worse ... but not in terms of sheer wasteful size.

Hunt: "I don't know what to think about these teams, so I won't think about it, I'll just revert back to some of my earliest gambling advice from Ken Jones: When in doubt, go with the home team. Gamblers would say: when in doubt, take the points. In this case, both are applicable." I need some more Ken Jones in my life.

Jake: "Arian Foster is off to a semi-surprising, huge start with the Texans. In Cincinnati, Jonny Gomes started the season by turning into the semi-surprising, hot bat for the Reds in left field. Gomes has cooled off significantly since the All-Star Break. Let’s see if Foster keeps it going as the season wears on." Andre Johnson and Matt Schaub fantasy owners certainly hope so.

NEW YORK GIANTS @ INDIANAPOLIS (-5.5)

"This is New York, pal. If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere!" - Melvin

Should have known better about the Giants. They always race out to the 5-1/7-2 starts, and then collapse the 2nd half of the season. Shame on me.

My Pick: IND (-5.5)

Hunt: "(Marsha Brady voice) Peyton, Peyton, Peyton!! -- I've noticed on twitter the Browns players like to type something then put ('someone's' voice) behind it. Why wouldn't you put the voice BEFORE the phrase, so you understand what it should sound like before you read it?? It's like stage directions in a play. Then again, I'm assuming players for the Browns team (other than Jake 'Of The Man') have been involved in a play at some point in their lives." Maybe if the Browns spent more time practicing being good instead of on Twitter they might actually be ... I don't know, better?

Jake: "An MVP for an MVP…Peyton Manning, Joey Votto. Case closed. Both teams would be far from the playoffs without their star player." Quick, name the last Cincinnati Red to win the MVP? Give up? How bout Barry Larkin in 1995. Coincidentally, that was the same year Albert Belle had his MVP trophy stolen by Mo Vaughn.

Schaf: "While the Colts clearly can't stop the run, I don't think anyone even knows who the Giants starting running back is...especially not Tom Coughlin." Tommy has never been known as a guy with lots of answers.

Boesch: "Like the Manning family, I hope they tie, too. I don’t like either of them." Over/under on amount of Archie Manning references? 12.5?

NEW ORLEANS (-4.5) @ SAN FRANCISCO

"You ... overwhelm me." - Simon

The Saints overwhelmed Brett Favre and the Vikings last week. Meanwhile, Alex Smith seemingly overwhelmed himself against the Seahawks. This one should be easy.

My Pick: NO (-4.5)

Hunt: "The Fighting Romos of San Francisco won't understand the whole "Who Dat??" thing. I know, I know -- just read it again and you'll get it." Yes, these are my friends.

Jake: "Drew Brees is everything that Reds fans hope Edinson Volquez will become. Both sustained serious injuries. Brees came back better than ever. Volquez is stronger than ever but is still looking for control. This one is more my dream than a full comparison." Is it sad that my first thought was that Volquez had a birth mark on his face?

Boesch: "Mike Singletary may commit a felony if San Francisco plays like it did last week throughout the rest of the season." He might pull his pants down and just leave 'em down for the entire week.

There you go, the week two column, hope you enjoyed it. Go see As Good As It Gets.

Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."