Sunday, January 31, 2010

2009 F'd Up Tournament: 2nd Round

By: Luke Florence

Apologies for the bad audio on the 2nd video of the 1st round, still not quite sure what happened there. But, we powered onwards and now are done with the 2nd Round. Video of the proceedings can be found right here. Upsets took place.



So after all of that, we are down to just 32 teams.

The tournament will more than likely be finished up the day after the Super Bowl.

Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."

2009 F'd Up Tournament: 1st Round

By: Luke Florence

After months and months of planning, the 2009 F'd Up Tournament finally started yesterday. Saturday we rolled the 1st Round of the Top Half, and today we finished up the Bottom 64 1st Round matches. Tentatively, we are planning on doing the entire 2nd Round this evening.

Enjoy.





Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."

LOST The Final Season: In Preparation

By: Luke Florence

It's often said that you never realize what you had until it's gone. For most things in life, this statement holds true. Maybe it's a girlfriend, a great night shared with friends, or your favorite athlete. Life has a way of taking things from us before we are ready - and/or willing - to let them go.

Very rarely is the end-date set in advance. But when it does, it allows us to experience the ride as it was fully intended. We get to enjoy the final dance, the final hour, or the final game, and truly appreciate it for what it is ... the final go-around.

Andre Agassi did this two years ago, and now LOST is doing the same. In both instances, I couldn't be happier and sadder at the same time.

It's a mixed bag of emotions because something you have loved for so long will be over soon, but enjoying the last match - or season - creates memories never forgotten. And that always brings a tremendous smile to my face.

So here we are. One day from LOST: The Final Season. In order to prepare for this monumental occasion, I elicited the help of my favorite LOST fans and asked them six questions. What follows is their answers/theories/etc.

Enjoy.


Question #1: What are your expectations for season six?

Luke: I expect it to be the greatest season of all. I expect the unexpected. I expect Tuesdays to be the best day of the week for the next four months. I expect death from multiple characters who have been with us from the beginning. I expect Season Six to be told from the Island's point-of-view. I expect to experience a full-range of emotions, culminating in a finale I will never forget.

Kris Frank: I have no expectations for this upcoming season, but I don't suspect that this will be the craziest season yet (tons of plot twist) and I am not expecting everything to get answered. I agree with Kris that we won't get everything answered, and actually don't want the answers spoon-fed to me either. LOST is great because of the debate and discussion that happens after each episode.

Kylene Solomon: I would like all the loose ends to be tied up in this season. I would like to know why everyone with father issues, and whose pasts have crossed before, ended up together on that plane. I've held on to the notion for a long time, that the plane crash was no accident. Those people were supposed to crash there, despite the popular belief that Desmond caused it.

Ryan Polito: I expect chaos. Touche.

Matt Barnes: What do I expect? I expect to be confused after every episode. By the end of the series, I expect about 75% of all the mysteries to be explained leaving 25% to be argued about for years. I also expect that the only prominent Black person in the show will be Rose, which is sad since the premiere is in Black History Month. What about the black smoke monster?? Could be the MOST important character in this whole crazy show.

Question #2: Where do you think the show will begin on Feb. 2?

Luke: I've thought about this moment more than any human being probably should. I've had crazy dreams that involved Jerry Seinfeld having all the answers. It's probably not healthy. The most epic dream I had involved Aaron being all grown up, talking to Sun's grown-up daughter and Desmond's grown-up kid Charlie. The scene ended with Aaron saying, "Well, I guess we need to go back."

In all honesty, three things can happen. One, we pick up right were Season Five left off, although I really doubt that takes place. Two, they show a glimpse of what the finale will look like (which should be a great war battle). Or three, they take us back to Season One.

Kris: 2) I have absolutely no idea where the show will start, but if I had to guess....maybe a scene from when they first landed on the island...no clue why I think that, but that's my guess.

Kylene: After the explosion, I think we'll find the explosion never happened and that Juliette prevented the plane crash in the future. With that, I feel that the creators will start out the season confusing the crap out of all of us. I think we'll be 20 minutes into the episode before we have any idea what's going on. Wouldn't doubt that at all. It appears that Kylene is in the camp that Jack and Juliet changed the future. I'm in the camp that whatever happened, happened. This whole thing is a crazy time-loop that has been happening for a long, long time.

Ryan: I have a feeling they are going to do an alternate timeline thing to start Season 6. Like maybe the bomb changed everything and a whole bunch of stuff is going to be different. Maybe the plane wont even crash.. Crazy !! The alternate time-line theory just might be what the producers were talking about when they said they would tell their story differently than they have in the past.

Sara Normand: It seems obvious that things would start off with the explosion, Sawyer’s reaction to Juliette’s death. But I don’t think it’s going to begin there. It’ll be at some point way before the crash or some point way in the future. Seems like Sara and I are sharing the same thought process on this one.

Barnes: No doubt, it begins in the future, to confuse us all. That or a flashback involving Jacob. Or maybe even with Desmond, who has really been missed by yours truly. No way they begin with the bomb or Jacob in flames. That'd actually be a disappointment. Agreed. Also sad to hear that Desmond is not a series regular this season. So either he dies early, or doesn't come into play until late in the season.

Question #3: In order, what are the three biggest mysteries you HAVE to have answered by seasons' end?

Luke: 1) Who is good and who is evil? 2) Who is Adam and Eve from Season One? 3) What are the whispers?

Kris: 3) Who/what is Jacob, the smoke monster, what is the real story with Libby & her connection with the island (I heard she is coming back). Surprised to see Kris mention Libby.
I hope we are too late in the game to care about what role she played. My best guess is that she served as a "Matthew Abbadon" type, making sure people were where they needed to be.

Kylene: I need to know about: Jacob, Claire and how those people all wound up together on the same plane. Same as Libby, I really don't need to know about Claire. Unless she gets back with Charlie somehow. That's be cool.

Ryan: I want the rivalries to heat up (Jacob-Smokey... Ben-Widmore... Locke-Jack) and find out more about the mysterious past of Richard Alpert. Richard Alpert would have been #4 on my list.

Sara: Who is Kate going to end up with? Why is Christian Shepherd so important? Will there be a movie made eventually? I have firm answers (I think) to the latter two questions, but I have no idea (and actually don't care) who Kate ends up with. But I know I'm in the minority on that.

Barnes: I gotta know who/what this smoke monster is, what the damn numbers mean if anything, and the anti-aging from Jacob/Alpert/Christian. Those are just three of the many though. We've gone so far without getting any information on the numbers that I have given up caring about them.

Question #4: In a perfect world, how does the series end?

Luke: I want the ending to involve the battle between good and evil. I want it to be something that was right there in front of us the entire time, but we never saw. I want my very first thought to be the one Locke had after watching the Orientation video, "We're going to have to watch that again." Only it will be the ENTIRE series, not just the last episode.

Kris: 4) It ends with everyone staying on the island. Jack and (the main girl, cant think of her name) and Sawyer with the blond girl (but she might be dead)....and penny with Desmond.
As long as the characters' ending are complete and without any loop-holes, I'll be satisfied.

Kylene: I would like the series to end as if the plane crash never happened. I would like to see how their lives would have continued if that plane landed in L.A. And, I would like there to be some sort of twist - like even though they weren't on the same plane together, they all end up together, someway, somehow. Very cool theory, and never even considered that as an option.

Barnes: In a perfect world, everyone ends up on the island. Claire is somehow reunited with Aaron as well as Jin and Sun. Jack gets killed (really not a fan) and Kate and Sawyer have more sex, but this time no bars. Hurley loses some lbs, Lapidus gets as much press coverage as Sully for landing that plane, and Sayid gets his own spin-off. If this happened, I die a happy man.

Question #5: Every LOST fan has some sort of prediction on what's going on. Do you have any over-arching theories on Jacob, Smokey, Locke, The Incident, the Island, etc. that you would like to share?

Luke: Well, after Season Five, it appears obvious to me that the Smoke Monster can re-incarnate dead bodies. Which is probably why everyone ends up being buried on the island. It appears that Jacob and the Smoke Monster disagree on destiny. Jacob believes in free-will (having a choice), while the Smoke Monster thinks things always end the same (pre-determined, whatever happened happened.

It is my opinion that everything is in a big time-loop, John Locke has been to the island before (which is why he knows when it's going to rain), and believes that Jacob has it wrong. I don't think Locke is actually dead though.

Kylene: My theory is that Jacob is future Jack. Whoa.

Ryan: I think Smokey has the ability to turn himself into dead people, which is why he needed Locke to leave the island and die. He took the form of Christian Shepard and told Locke he needed to move the island, knowing time skipping would start and knowing Locke would leave the island. Then when Locke returned dead in the casket Smokey took his body over (which is why there is another/ the real John Locke in the crate).

And is also why Richard kept saying "there is something different about you John."

Another example would be when Ben goes to get judged by the Smoke Monster, Locke goes with him then disappears after Ben falls down the hole. Smokey then shows Ben his daughter, and Alex tells Ben he must listen to everything John Locke says. So now Smokey(Locke) has the ability to manipulate Ben into going to see Jacob with him and eventually gets Ben to kill Jacob.

Locke was never special, he was just a pawn in Smokey/Jacob feud the whole time.

Locke was never suppose to lead the Others, which is why he failed Richard's test when he was 10 yrs old.
Yeah, that sounds about right. But, I'm still expecting a huge twist in this theory. Like Locke and Sun are already in an alternate time-line. Something.

Barnes: I don't think Jacob is dead. He and Christian Shepherd are connected somehow I feel. Other than that, I really have no idea what's going on and instead of trying to figure it out, I'll just let them tell me. That's why I don't go to school anymore. I actually think Christian has been under the influence of Smokey. But, the thing no one is talking about is that Christian's body was never found. We've seen Locke's body on the island. What does this mean?

Question #6: Lastly, a two-parter. One, what has been your favorite Season thus far ... and why? Two, what has been your favorite individual episode thus far ... and why?

Luke: My favorite season has been Season One, no question. In order, Season One, Season Four, Season Two, Season Five, and Season Three. Although the two best finales have been Season Five and Season Three.

My favorite episode is The Constant from Season Four. Just brilliant. My others are Walkabout from Season One and the Season Three finale, Through the Looking Glass.

Kris: I think my favorite season was season two with the hatch because things were crazy but yet, almost realistic still...now its still entertaining but its totally insane. If I had to pick a favorite episode it is either the season 3 finale when you first discover jack and kate are off the island and they will now begin to show flash-forwards instead of flashbacks or the one with penny and desmond where desmond calls her up. Both were great episodes. I agree with Kris, that Season One and Two were still realistic, and the recent time-travels have almost de-railed that feeling.

Kylene: My favorite season was season 4 when the flash-forwards started. I especially enjoyed the episode where Sun's baby was born and how the creators introduced us to the first flash-forward and we thought the whole time that Jin was going to meet Sun having her baby, and in actuality, he was having the flash-back and was really "dead" in the future. Loved that episode and I hope the series as a whole takes that approach. Showing us one thing, but revealing one big thing that makes us watch it all over again.

Ryan: Favorite season was by far Season 5, every scene was intense and made you think. I love following time travel and the writing in those episodes were brilliant. My favorite episode was probably the Life and Death of Jeremy Bentham, so many twists and turns that I could not handle it.
As for me, Season Five jumped around too much for my liking. Season One introduces us to everything, and the flash-backs all helped develop the characters we see today.

Sara: Favorite season = season 3. All of my favorite characters were still alive and I feel like this was LOST at its peak. I could still understand and pick up on things myself before it got out of control.

Favorite episode = Season 3 finale, even though Charlie died. “NOT PENNY’S BOAT” is still one of the most eerie images. I seriously cried forever. But any episode featuring Kate making out with Jack is my next favorite.
Season 3 was awful. The first half of that series were thrown in there because the producers and writers didn't know when the show was going to end.

Barnes: I'll say Season 3 was the favorite, though seasons 4 and 2 were strong as well. Season 5 was by far the worst for me. The time travel was too much, though I understand they needed to do it to further story-lines and fill in some holes in some stories.

Any Locke flashback episode was great. The Season 5 finale was also really, really good. Actually, every finale has been impressive.
Another Season 3. I'm shocked. The finale, and the two episodes leading into it were great, but besides that, it was not that good.

Big thanks to my panel (Kylene, Kris, Barnes, Polito, and Sara) for taking some time and talking LOST to me. Much appreciated.

Season Six starts tomorrow. It ends soon thereafter. Giddy up.

Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."

Monday, January 18, 2010

2009 F'd Up Tournament: Selection Show

By: Luke Florence

Sit back, grab your favorite beverage, and enjoy the 2009 F'd Up Selection Show. Find out who the top seeds are, who won the Enthusiasm Spot, and which dead people of the past year we have chosen to remember the most.

(Apologies for the audio, we were experimenting with a new microphone, and we promise it will get better as we move along)



Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."

Sunday, January 17, 2010

2009 F'd Up Tournament: Enthusiasm Essays

By: Luke Florence

It just kind of happened. It can't be explained, and I'm not sure I really want to. But, in the midst of unveiling the F'd Up Tournament last year, it gained traction. It gained steam. And, it gained fans - passionate ones.

Three fans, Jeff Schaffer, Jake Young and Brian Boesch stood out more than others for various reasons. They gave input. They spread their enthusiasm to others. They were, in lieu of a better term, the best groupies a band could ask for.

And now, they are competing for entry into this mystical tournament. They are competing for a chance to face Barack Obama, Gus Johnson and maybe even yours truly. We could have had a play-in game, and maybe we should have. But, since this group is known for their creativity and humor, we thought it might be more fitting if they wrote an essay.

Their writing was directed to explain to the world why in fact they should win the Enthusiasm Spot. The second, and maybe just as important part of their essay, was who is the one person who should NOT get in. Their responses are below.

Tomorrow Kevin and I are recording our selection show. It's scheduled to be an hour long, so buckle in. We are planning on using UStream to broadcast the F'd Up Tournament LIVE, so be on the look out for that as well.

Enjoy ... I know I sure did.

BRIAN BOESCH
Ever since I was a young Browns fan with gettin’ away from the recess supervisors speed, I enjoyed simulating things. I was the kid who would simulate Madden franchises. I was livid for a week after my Madden 2004 Franchise pulled a 2007 Patriots TWO straight years. I would draw brackets in notes during class and secretly flip a coin to see who would win that year’s World Series, Super Bowl, or NBA Finals. Heck, during freshman year, my buddy and I put together the entire March Madness into his Xbox and simulated it for hours and hours. (Nothing like seeing 16-seeds make it to the Final Four).

Well, the F’d Up Tournament is a chance to see people, events, sayings, and even performances go at it. And to actually be a part of it would be unbelievable. There certainly is a lot of risk involved. What if I battle DA 2/17 Win…and lose? That would be terrible. But, I could also beat the Steelers. Or the New York Yankees. What would a victory over the Most Interesting Man in the World do for me and my “game”? I can only dream right now. Yet, that is what is possible with this tournament.

The F’d Up Tournament is more than just a tournament. It’s an arena of opportunity. It’s a chance to do things you can’t do in real life. And it would be an honor to be a part of it.

What’s great about the F’d Up Tournament is that it is so versatile. I made one pick a week during the ATS season using the method, and it panned out pretty well. And it can also allow me to pick between two people highly respected in the F’d Up World. Jeff and Jake are both worthy adversaries, so to figure out who shouldn’t be in…let’s roll the dice.

Jake rolls first in this battle. Remember, the loser is the one who I say should NOT be in the F’d Up Tournament. Jeff takes the lead 9-3. After two, Jeff is up 19-12. Wow, Jeff is playing with a sense of urgency. Double 6’s followed by a 5. It’s 36-17 through 3. Jake finally wins a round by one, so it’s 41-23. At halftime, it’s 47-26, Jeff. This one could get ugly. Sevens for both sides in round 6, so it’s 54-33. The final four rolls: 9-7 Jake, 11-8 Jeff, 7-7 tie, and 8-4 Jeff. It was an easy win for Jeff, 87-61. So, Jake, you are out. Sorry man, but that’s the F’d Up way of life.

I hope that I can be a part of the F’d Up Tournament. It truly would be an honor. Thanks for your time.

JEFF SCHAFFER
Since I first followed a FaceBook link to the King of Arguments’ blog and discovered the F’d Up Tournament, I was hooked. I couldn’t help but dig deeper into the blog archive and read as much as possible about this event that melded sports, pop-culture, personal locations and experiences, and some things that were completely foreign to me. After one of the committee members explained the tournament’s origin and its rules, I wanted to be involved.

First and foremost, I wanted to be in the tournament. Obviously my friends who created it will always be in the field, but so were some other people I know.. After studying the list of automatic bids and the Mainstay Bracket field, I knew none of those were my ticket into this year’s tourney. Being nominated for the enthusiasm spot was just the chance I’d been waiting for.

Second, after I learned of the change that would take place for this version of the tourney (die rolls rather than coin flips), I instantly tried to think of ways that the game formats could be altered so that seeding was reflected in how the games played out. I don’t know if I actually helped, since official format hasn’t been announced yet, but I was at least thinking and trying to help the committee.

I also tried to contribute to the tournament by submitting my own ideas for at-large candidates, offering some of my own perspective on, essentially, the entire world. While I made several suggestions for the already-crowded at-large field, three ideas I originated did crack the field: Bryant University basketball, Marian Hossa and Team Self-Esteem. One could argue that because Team Self-Esteem made it I’m already in, but you could also say that, without my enthusiasm for the tournament, that’s one less 5-8 seed in the field. I’ll choose the latter.

Finally, aside from simply wanting to be in the tournament, I want the chance to give something back to a group and an idea that has already given me a lot. During the lull of summer, I didn’t have a whole lot going for me, other than sending out the occasional random resume. Then came my discover of the F’d Up Tournament, which not only provided hours (not an exaggeration) of entertainment, but directly led to the creation of my own blog. After all the F’d Up Tourney has given me, I only hope that I can win this spot and provide it with some great moments for itself.

The most difficult part about this essay was to talk about which candidate for the enthusiasm spot doesn’t deserve to make it, because I not only know both my opponents, but have tremendous respect for them. I prefer to talk more about why I should win the spot rather than why someone else shouldn’t…it’s just how I am. Because of this, I decided to choose a quantifiable statistic to help me make this decision: Brian shouldn’t get the spot because he’s the youngest…experience counts.

JAKE YOUNG
I hadn't heard of the F'd Up Tournament until I was browsing Luke's blog earlier in 2009 and saw the preliminary rounds taking place. Needless to say, I was intrigued. Games of chance that take up your free time? Sounds exactly like something I would do and something my girlfriend would just never understand. Perfect! So, I kept watching, kept commenting and kept silently cheering my favorites. There was George Costanza, someone who has to be there, the gaining popularity Gus Johnson, our committee, Luke, Kevin and Barnes and so many more, including a recent personal favorite, Ronald Pittman.

I watched the rounds progress and silently cheered for those I wanted to win. I purposefully wouldn't scroll down far enough to see the winner until I got to that moment. It filled a nice chunk of time in my jobless, internship filled summer away from home in Cincinnati. So, the F'd Up Tourney became something more to me than just you guys rolling dice over and over. It became June and July Madness, and I was very appreciative.

I think it's pretty clear at this point that I would very much like to have my own place in this tournament, especially after my “Hot N Cold” ATS season. But, that's not what I'm going to say. Right now, the tournament has 3 teams to fill one slot. We can't have a physical play-in game, so we're writing essays to make our case. Well, this is a little different play-in experience, and a little different tournament, so I'm going to suggest a little different decision for how to fill our final slot.

For the final participant, I'd like to see all three of us in the slot, and here's why. I'm devoted. I have been here since the beginning, keeping track, cheering for teams and considering things I could suggest to add in. Boesch is the constant. Always reliable for hilarious comments, and his boob always seems to be there when I'm at the bar and need one to grab that won't get me in trouble with the Mrs. And then there's Schaf. Self-deprecating, passing all the credit, but really the best of the best, getting it done like Greg Jennings, making the big play but without the diva attitude.

So, I apologize for not giving you exactly what you were looking for, but these guys are just as deserving as I am, and there's no way I'm going to say they don't. Put me in, but give them the same opportunity. We're all tight, WOUB Past, Present and Future, and I would be proud to share a line with them in the tournament. And if not, Go Patrick Chewing (or Bryant Basketball...what else do they have going for them?)
_____________________________________________________________

I cannot thank Schaf, Brian and Jake for their contribution to this tournament. No matter what the final decision will be, all three have made their impact on the F'd Up Tournament. It wouldn't be the same without them.

Look out for the Selection Show tomorrow, and then the F'd Up Tournament itself. Should be fun.

Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."

Monday, January 11, 2010

2009 NFL ATS Pick 'Em: Awards Banquet

By: Luke Florence

Our awards banquet will kick off at approximated 8 PM EST. Please come and join us as we celebrate the 2009 NFL Regular Season.



Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."

2009 F'd Up Tournament: The Field

By: Luke Florence

It's been described as "structured randomness" and "a culmination of our entire life." It's taken nearly 13 months to build, but here we now are, sitting back and reviling in its' completion.

It is the F'd Up Tournament, and it's ready.

Selection Sunday took place less than 24 hours ago, and it was everything we thought it would be and more. Deciding top seeds, bursting bubbles, and pairing great match-ups for the 1st Round and beyond.

After all was said and done, we were left with 128 teams/people/sayings/etc. with a chance of winning the 2009 F'd Up Tournament.

Here is a brief look at our field (in alphabetical order) and how they got here.

1) Jessica Alba - Seeding Group: B (5-8) - Automatically Qualified: Finished #2 in Maxim's Hot 100.
2) DA 2/17 Win - Seeding Group: D (13-16) - At-Large: Derek Anderson won a game by completing 11 percent of his passes. It was THE Moral Defeat of the 2009 season.

3) A-Roid - Seeding Group: B - At-Large: A perpetual loser, all he needed was to admit to cheating in order to finally win.

4) Scotty B. - Seeding Group: C (9-12) - Automatic: Defeated Vinny Testaverde, Family Guy, and the Looper-Olson combo in the Mainstay Tourney. Lost to Trainwreck.

5) Chris Barnes - Seeding Group: C - Automatic: Won the inaugural PBA 64-Match Play Championship.

6) Matt Barnes - Seeding Group: A (1-4) - Automatic: Member of the Selection Committee.

7) Jessica Biel - Group: D - Automatic: Finished #4 in Maxim's Hot 100.
8) Big John - Group: D - Automatic: Defeated Bob "The Wickster" Wickman and Ketih Cawley in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Reach.

9) Big Ten Basketball - Group: D - Automatic: Defeated DP's and The Beast in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Unappreciative Bastard.

10) Big Ten Bowl Season (1-7) - Group: D - At-Large: When your least favorite football conference gets embarrassed during bowl season, you get an At-Large spot here.

11) Drew Blickensderfer - Group: C - Automatic: Was the winning Crew Chief of the Daytona 500.

12) Usain Bolt - Group: A - At-Large: Broke the 100 meter AND 200 meter World Records that he previously broke at the 2008 Summer Olympics.

13) Sam Bradford - Group: B - Automatic: Won the 2008 Heisman Trophy (carry-over from previous year).

14) Bromley 310 - Group: D - Automatic: Defeated Tom Hodson and Tom Hamilton in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Memorial Day Weekend.

15) Chris Brown - Group: D - At-Large: Beat the crap out of Rihanna. Run it run it.

16) Bryant University Basketball - Group: D - At-Large: NJIT had a 51-game losing streak in Division I men's basketball ... until they defeated Bryant University. Who was BU's coach? None other than former Ohio University coach Tim O'Shea.

17) Mark Buehrle - Group: A - At-Large: Threw a perfect game. 27 up, 27 down.

18) Ernest Byner - Group: B - Automatic: Defeated New Year's Eve Disco Bash, Ronald Pittman, Jimmy V and David Carr in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Keith Hodkinson.

19) Angel Cabrera - Group: C - Automatic: Won the Masters.

20) Joe Cada - Group: C - Automatic: Won the 2009 Main Event in the World Series Of Poker.

21) David Carr - Group: C - Automatic: Defeated Yankees "E" League Team, John Daly and Will Ferrell in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Ernest Byner.

22) Patrick Chewing - Group: A - At-Large: For being one of the funniest commercials of the past year. What's up Ryan?

23) Chicago Bulls/Boston Celtics Playoff Series - Group: A - At-Large: For being one of the best playoff series of recent memory.

24) Stewart Cink - Group: A - Automatic: Won the British Open. Defeated Tom Watson in a four-hole playoff. Had to sink a long putt on the 18th hole to get in.

25) Cleveland Browns Beer Pong - Group: B - Automatic: Defeated Asian Invasion, Cedar Point, George Costanza, Reach and Structured Randomness in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Michael Jordan. Lost to Trainwreck in the 3rd Place match-up.

26) George Costanza - Group: D - Automatic: Defeated Mrs. Hughes' French Class and Major League I & II in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Browns Beer Pong.
27) Romeo Crennel/Phil Savage - Group: D - At-Large: The fat black man and the skinny white guy ran the Cleveland Browns into the ground. Worth remembering when they were finally let go.

28) Dallas Cowboys Scoreboard - Group: C - At-Large: It's the world's largest HDTV, and it consumed the entire NFL preseason because it was too close to the field. Biggest non-story of the year.

29) Juan Martin del Potro - Group: C - Automatic: Defeated Roger Federer in the U.S. Open.

30) Wayne Ellington - Group: D - Automatic: NCAA Basketball Men's Tournament Most Outstanding Player.

31) Enthusiasm Spot - Group: C - Automatic: It's down to Jeff Schaffer, Brian Boesch and Jake Young. All they control now is a 500-word essay that's due in six short days.

32) Roger Federer - Group: A - Automatic: Qualified twice thanks to his French Open and Wimbledon victories.

33) Will Ferrell - Group: D - Automatic: Defeated Giddy Up and Don't Be Stupid in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to David Carr.

34) Larry Fitzgerald - Group: A - At-Large: Broke all sorts of records in last season's NFL playoffs. Looks like he might do the same again this year.

35) Josh Florence - Group: B - Automatic: Won the 2008 NFL ATS Pick 'Em.

36) Luke Florence - Group: A - Automatic: Member of the Selection Committee.

37) Florida Gators Football - Group: B - Automatic: Won the 2008 National Championship (carry-over).

38) Megan Fox - Group: A - Automatic: Finished #1 in Maxim's Hot 100.
39) Gay Lanes - Group: D - Automatic: Defeated Ohio University Intramural Sports and Beer in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Structured Randomness.

40) Gettin' Away From The Cops Speed - Group: A - At-Large: When we think back to the 2009 NFL season, this phrase coined by our good friend Gus Johnson might just top the list.

41) Lucas Glover - Group: C - Automatic: Won the 2009 U.S. Open. You might remember it as one of the hardest-to-watch golf majors of the past decade.

42) Zach Greinke - Group: B - Automatic: Won the 2009 AL Cy Young Award. Becoming the first non-Cleveland Indian to take home the prestigious honor in three years.

43) Blake Griffin - Group: B - Automatic: Qualified twice thanks to winning the Naismith College Basketball Player Of The Year and being the first pick in the NBA draft as well.

44) The Hangover - Group: A - At-Large: No question, hands-down, the funniest movie of 2009. NIIICE!

45) Tyler Hansbrough - Group: C - At-Large: Because he reminded everyone of Christian Laettner, sans a jump-shot.

46) Keith Hodkinson - Group: A - Automatic: Defeated Erik Huss, Tim Couch, Omar Vizquel/Carlos Baerga, Pizza Hut Lunch Buffet, Ernest Byner, Trainwreck and Michael Jordan en route to winning the 2009 Mainstay Tournament. He's Kevin's mortal enemy.

47) Santonio Holmes - Group: B - Automatic: 2009 Super Bowl MVP.

48) Marian Hossa - Group: D - At-Large: Lost the 2008 Stanley Cup with the Pittsburgh Penguins, declined to re-sign with the Pens because he thought he had a better chance of winning a Stanley Cup with the Detroit Red Wings. The very next year, Pittsburgh defeated Hossa and the Red Wings in the Stanley Cup.

49) Kevin Hunt - Group: B - Automatic: Member of the Selection Committee.

50) Randy Hunt "Rub Money" - Group: C - Automatic: Defeated Planes Trains and Automobiles, Grady Sizemore, and November 31st in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Semi-Charmed Life.

51) “I Gotta Feeling” by the Black Eyed Peas - Group: B - Automatic: Spent the longest time at #1 on Billboard's Top 100.

52) LeBron James - Group: A - Automatic: Won the 2009 NBA MVP. Probably his last year to win this tournament as a member of the Cleveland Cavs.

53) Scatlett Johansson - Group: C - Automatic: Finished #3 in Maxim's Hot 100.
54) Gus Johnson - Group: D - Automatic: Defeated Arby's and Allan Houston in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Ohio University.

55) Jimmie Johnson - Group: A - Automatic: Won NASCAR's Sprint To The Cup. He wins it a lot.

56) Randy Johnson - Group: B - At-Large: Won his 300th game and might be the last MLB pitcher to do so.

57) Michael Jordan - Group: A - Automatic: Defeated True Colors, Mrs. Bursa's Popcorn, WHEI In The Mornings/Maxine Mondays, Bill Walton, Semi-Charmed Life, and Browns Beer Pong in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Keith Hodkinson in the Finals. Also was elected to the NBA Hall of Fame and had a memorable and controversial speech.

58) Shane Kline - Group: B - Automatic: Won the inaugural What's My Score Fantasy Football League.

59) Tim Lincecum - Group: B - Automatic: Won the 2009 NL Cy Young Award.

60) Looper-Olson - Group: D - Automatic: Defeated the Ballbuster Pick Of The Week and Gridiron Glory in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Scotty B.

61) Los Angeles Lakers - Group: A - Automatic: Won the 2009 NBA Finals.

62) LOST Season Five - Group: A - At-Large: For being the most unique, thought-provoking, and mysterious television show going.

63) John Madden Retirement/Brett Favre Un-Retirement - Group: B - At-Large: Combined because these two entities are too similar.

64) Wes Malott - Group: C - Automatic: Narrowly edged out Norm Duke to win the PBA Bowler Of The Year.

65) Peyton Manning - Group: A - Automatic: For winning his third NFL MVP award (carry-over) and for being the QOA's favorite athlete.
66) Hideki Matsui - Group: C - Automatic: Won the 2009 World Series MVP. He's the first Yankee-asian to win the award since Reggie Jackson.

67) Joe Mauer - Group: B - Automatic: Won the 2009 American League Most Valuable Player and the best pick of our fantasy baseball leagues.

68) Floyd Mayweather Jr. - Group: B - At-Large: Boxing doesn't have too much to offer as a sport, but Mayweather is one of the few pieces it has remaining.

69) Memorial Day Weekend - Group: C - Automatic: Defeated Ten Things I Hate About You, McHappy's, Bromley 310 and Unappreciative Bastard in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Trainwreck.

70) Merkt's Cheese - Group: D - Automatic: Defeated the Big Ben Game and Stuart Appleby in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Semi-Charmed Life.

71) Mine That Bird - Group: C - Automatic: Won the Kentucky Derby as a tremendous long-shot.

72) Randy Moeller - Group: B - At-Large: Hard to explain, but this announcer cites famous movies quotes right after a Florida Panther scores a goal. YouTube him right now.

73) Most Interesting Man In The World - Group: B - At-Large: Because he once had an awkward moment just to see what it would feel like and because he can speak French ... in Russian.

74) MotherLover - Group: B - At-Large: The funniest SNL skit of the past year ... by far.

75) Rafael Nadal - Group: B - Automatic: Won the Australian Open.

76) New York Yankees - Group: A - Automatic: Won the World Series and made me lose my bet with Matt Barnes because the new Pope is still walking around.

77) NFL Sunday Ticket - Group: A - At-Large: It's changed the way Kevin and I watch football for the rest of our lives.

78) North Carolina Tar Heels Basketball - Group: B - Automatic: Won the 2009 Men's Basketball Tourney.

79) November 31st - Group: D - Automatic: Defeated Bob Seger and Little Hugo's in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Randy Hunt "Rub Money."

80) 0-16 Detroit Lions - Group: D - At-Large: For going 4-0 in the NFL preseason, and then not winning a single game during the regular season.

81) Barack Obama - Group: A - At-Large: Was inaugurated as our newest President Of The United States.

82) Ohio University - Group: C - Automatic: Defeated Lieutenant Dan, Rick Majerus, and Gus Johnson in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Structured Randomness.

83) Alexander Ovechkin - Group: B - Automatic: The Hart Memorial Trophy winner (MVP of hockey) and had a crazy duel with Crosby in the playoffs.

84) Manny Pacquiao - Group: A - At-Large: Pound-for-pound, the best boxer on the planet.

85) Sexy Rick Pitino - Group: B - At-Large: Because he had sex in a restaurant with random girls despite having a Rick Pitino face.

86) Pittsburgh Penguins - Group: A - Automatic: Won the 2009 Stanley Cup!!!! GO PENGUINS!
87) Pittsburgh Steelers - Group: A - Automatic: Won the 2009 Super Bowl in a memorable game against the Arizona Cardinals.

88) Pizza Hut Lunch Buffet - Group: C - Automatic: Defeated Bart Borer, Butch Davis and Route 56/Hollerback Girl in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Keith Hodkinson.

89) Kenny Powers - Group: A - At-Large: The funniest new TV show of the year.

90) The Promise - Group: D - Automatic: Defeated The Applebee's Commercial and F**k You in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Trainwreck.

91) Albert Pujols - Group: B - Automatic: Won the National League MVP.

92) Queen of Arguments/Frankie The Dog - Group: B - At-Large: It all started in 2009, and looks more than promising for the distant future as well.

93) Brady Quinn - Group: C - At-Large: Won the grueling QB dual against Derek Anderson. That's about it.

94) Rachel Alexandra - Group: A - Automatic: Won the Preakness Derby ... and oh yeah, SHE went undefeated in 2009.

95) Pregnant Manny Ramirez - Group: A - At-Large: In Manny's world it makes sense to take pregnancy pills in order to become a better baseball player. Manny Being Manny.

96) Reach - Group: C - Automatic: Defeated Mel Kiper III/T.Willy, Sweet Franklin, and Big John in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Browns Beer Pong.

97) Route 56/Hollerback Girl - Group: D - Automatic: Defeated The Ceiling Bracket and Black History Month in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Pizza Hut Lunch Buffet.

98) Rudy - Group: D - Automatic: Defeated Keystone Light and Paul Culver in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Bill Walton.

99) Semi-Charmed Life - Group: C - Automatic: Defeated the Cleveland Browns, Keler, Merkt's Cheese, and Randy Hunt "Rub Money" in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Michael Jordan.

100) Anderson Silva - Group: B - At-Large: Pound-for-pound, the best MMA fighter in the world.

101) Grady Sizemore's Pictures - Group: C - At-Large: You have to see them to understand.

102) Kimbo Slice - Group: C - At-Large: Because he's the biggest draw in MMA ... believe it.

103) Will Smith - Group: C - At-Large: He was my #1 black TV character of all-time in my ode to Matt Barnes during February.

104) Sonia Sotomayor - Group: C - At-Large: It's not every year a new Supreme Court Justice gets put in place.

105) Matthew Stafford - Group: C - Automatic: Was the top pick in the 2009 NFL Draft.

106) Donte Stallworth's Bentley - Group: D - At-Large: Mario Reyes RIP.

107) Stimulus Package/Cash For Clunkers - Group: D - At-Large: The Beast RIP.

108) Stephen Strausburg - Group: D - Automatic: Was the top pick in the 2009 MLB Draft. He held out for a huge amount of money, and the team that drafted him, the Washington Nationals, refused to pay it. Eventually, he signed for more than 15 million.

109) Structured Randomness - Group: B - Automatic: Defeated the Notre Dame Fighting Irish, Alex Lucius, Gay Lanes and Ohio University in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Browns Beer Pong.

110) Summer Bird - Group: D - Automatic: Won the Belmont Stakes which was marred by the absences of Rachel Alexandra.

111) Swine Flu - Group: D - At-Large: Became a new version of the Bird Flu from a couple years' past.

112) John Tavares - Group: D - Automatic: The New York Islanders chose him as the top pick in the 2009 NHL Draft. He's the odds-on favorite mid-way through the season to be the Rookie Of The Year.

113) Team Self-Esteem - Group: B - At-Large: Kevin Hunt and Jeff Schaffer teamed up in a beer-pong tournament ... the rest is history.

114) Tim Tebow - Group: C - At-Large: Reminded people of Christian Laettner, but much much stronger.

115) $36 Library Fine - Group: D - At-Large: Only Kevin could collect such a substantial library fee.

116) Trainwreck - Group: A - Automatic: Defeated Chris Farley, Brad Bursa, The Promise, Scotty B, and Memorial Day Weekend in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Keith Hodkinson. Knocked off Browns Beer Pong for 3rd place.

117) Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen - Group: C - Automatic: Top-grossing film of 2009.

118) Twitter - Group: B - At-Large: Changed how people communicate.

119) UCONN-Syracuse 6 OT Game - Group: A - At-Large: The most memorable game, of any sport, during 2009.

120) Unappreciative Bastard - Group: C - Automatic: Defeated the Cleveland Indians, Cool Runnings, and Big Ten Basketball in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Memorial Day Weekend.

121) Jimmy V - Group: D - Automatic: Defeated St. Mary's Elementary and Hot Nuts in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Ernest Byner.

122) Omar Vizquel/Carlos Baerga - Group: D - Automatic: Defeated Do With This As You Will and Fort Ball Buffet in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Keith Hodkinson.

123) Bill Walton - Group: C - Automatic: Defeated Jason Koma, Wicked Sweet, and Rudy in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Michael Jordan.

124) Tom Watson - Group: A - At-Large: He was 60 years old and just needed a par on the 72nd hole of the British Open to win it. Lost in a playoff to Stewart Cink.
125) Weddings & Kids - Group: B - At-Large: Brad Bursa (both) and Kris Frank (just wedding), but when you throw in engagements, it's a bit crazy.

126) Kanye West - Group: C - At-Large: Just ask Taylor Swift, and she will tell you why Kanye is here.

127) WHEI In The Mornings/Maxine Mondays - Group: D - Automatic: Defeated Taco John's and the Frank Twins in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Michael Jordan.

128) Y.E. Yang - Group: A - Automatic: Defeated Tiger Woods to win the 2009 PGA Championship. The KOA correctly predicted Jim Nantz's call of his winning putt ("Y.E...YES!), and Yang celebrated by lifting his golf bag over his head.

Sit back and take it all in. Yes, we have the bracket (and spreads) filled out, and we are just waiting on the Enthusiasm Spot.

One of the above 128 will win the 2009 F'd Up Tournament. The only guarantee is that it will be EPIC.

Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."

Friday, January 08, 2010

2009 NFL ATS Pick 'Em: Wild Card Weekend

By: Luke Florence

It goes without saying that habits are hard to break. Just ask the Cleveland Browns, they've been trying to break the habit of perpetually losing games for the past two decades. But it was my good friend John Irving who said, "Good habits are worth being fanatical about."

People who know me, or even those who think they do, would not have a difficult time talking to others about my interests. Without hesitation, "sports" would be one of the first topics they would mention. They would be correct. At heart, I'm a sports-junkie. But it doesn't define who I am or what I'm about either. That would be misleading and forever wrong.

It's one of the many things I'm passionate about. As Irving said, it's a good habit that I'm fanatical towards. As for me, I would add writing, reading, and LOST as other things my passion consumes.

John Irving is a well known American author and Academy-Award winning screen-writer. His best-known work was The Cider House Rules, which was nominated for Best Picture and gave Michael Caine an Oscar for Best-Supporting Actor.
Now I've never watched the film, but it's title parallels my theme for Wild Card Weekend.

Years ago, Bill Simmons created a Playoff Manifesto, in which he outlines a specific formula for choosing NFL winners and losers once the playoffs begin. As I've smoked him the past three years in Against The Spread Picks, I'm not going to follow his at all. Instead, I'm going to come up with a few of my own, and then as the years go by, simply add to it. The ultimate goal is to go undefeated (11-0) in the playoffs. With John Irving on my side, why not this year?

Rule #1: If all else fails. Go with your gut.

Gambling on sports is not easy. All the research you find on Pro-Football Reference, or all the articles you read on-line, or all the opinions from "experts" you watch on TV can sometimes leave you more confused and more distraught then before you went to them for guidance. When push comes to shove, if you simply do not know, go with your gut.

Rule #2: Home-field advantage still means something.

Sure it doesn't mean as much as it did say ten years ago, but it still matters a little, especially in the post-season. Show me a team that would rather go on the road than play a game at home, and I'll show you a team coached by Helen Keller.
Rule #3: Got to have a Quarterback.

Teams with the better QBs win more times than they lose in the regular season. In the playoffs, they are even more important. Teams with the best QBs go the farthest. The only exception to this rule is when a team has an extraordinarily good defense.

Rule #4: At Least one Wild Card Weekend Team WILL win in the Divisional Round. Guaranteed.

2004 was the last year this didn't hold true. The point is that when you are picking the Wild Card games, keep in mind that at least one of your winners should be able to win again the following weekend.

Rule #5: Karma Is A Bitch ... And So Is History.

Karma was the reason the New England Patriots didn't win the 2007 Super Bowl. Karma is the reason the Dallas Cowboys haven't won a playoff game in more than a decade. History shows you the Cincinnati Bengals haven't advanced in the postseason since the FIRST George Bush was the President. You want karma and history on your side. If not, then you are toast.
Dwight Schrute told me, "K.I.S.S. Keep It Simple, Stupid." So, I will. Like I said in the introduction, as the year's go on, I will add to these five NFL Playoff Cider House Rules. But for the time being, let's start the application process.

NEW YORK JETS @ CINCINNATI BENGALS (-2.5)

Karma is not on the New York Jets side thanks to their head coach proclaiming they are the prohibitive favorite. They have the lesser QB and they are on the road. Yet, my gut tells me that they are the pick here for one BIG reason. The match-up.

We hear it all the time in basketball (and rightfully so) that match-ups dictate all. Well, every once in a while it applies to football. If the Jets and Bengals were going to play 10 times, I think the Jets would win 8. They run the ball better than Cincinnati thanks to a more powerful offensive line. Their defense is more explosive than the Bengals thanks to more play-makers, and they just whipped Cincy 37-0. It's hard to come back from a massive beat-down such as that.

My Pick to Cover: NYJ (+2.5)
My Pick to Win: NYJ 24-16.


PHILADELPHIA EAGLES @ DALLAS COWBOYS (-4.5)

The last two times the Cleveland Browns made the playoffs ('94, '02) they lost to the Pittsburgh Steelers. No big surprise there I know, but you may be a little perplexed to find that each time Pittsburgh knocked the Browns out of the playoffs it was the third time they had defeated them in that given year. Last season, the Pittsburgh Steelers got to the Super Bowl by beating the Baltimore Ravens ... for the THIRD time.

So, it seems as if history is both with Dallas here as they try to defeat Philly a third time in '09, and against them (haven't won a playoff game since 1996).

The better QB might be a toss-up. Sure most everyone would rather have Donovan McNabb than Tony Romo, but I don't want a QB puking in the huddle during a big game (as McNabb did in the Super Bowl).

My gut is telling me Dallas, mainly because the Cowboys are a team that is capable of knocking out Minnesota next week more-so than Philly upsetting New Orleans.

My Pick To Cover: DAL (-4.5)
My Pick To Win: DAL 31-24
.

BALTIMORE RAVENS @ NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (-3.5)

This one is easy despite the absence of Wes Welker.

The Patriots have Tom Brady. The Patriots are playing at home. The Patriots might even have a bit of the "Nobody Believes In Us," going for them.

This one could get ugly.

My Pick To Cover: NE (-3.5)
My Pick To Win: NE 38-13
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GREEN BAY PACKERS @ ARIZONA CARDINALS (-2.5)

Last season I rooted for Arizona throughout the playoffs. It was fun watching Kurt Warner and Larry Fitzgerald make a run for the Super Bowl. This season, I will probably be rooting for the Patriots (I heart Tom Brady), but my NFC team will be whoever wins this one.

Green Bay Cornerback, Charles Woodson, is one of my 40 favorite sport figures, and he's having a career year this season. Meanwhile the Cards still have Fitzgerald and Warner, so my heart is torn a bit. Therefore, I turn to my five Cider House Rules.

Cardinals have home-field advantage. Cardinals have the better QB (Rodgers has never played in the postseason). Signs point to Arizona, but I'm basing this pick off of the Philly-Dallas game.

If Dallas wins on Saturday night, then the winner of the GB-ARI game faces New Orleans.

If Philly wins on Saturday night, then the winner of the GB-ARI game faces Minnesota.

Green Bay wants Minnesota. In fact, Green Bay wants Minnesota a little too much. If Philly wins the game, the Packers are going to press too hard. But, if Dallas wins, then Green Bay has a great thing happen to them - not having to think about Brett Favre. They go out more relaxed, and knock off Arizona, just like they did last week.

Because I have Dallas winning, then that means I have Green Bay winning as well. These two teams are more than capable of winning multiple games in the post-season, and might even face each other in the NFC Championship. But, that will have to wait until next week.

My Pick To Cover: GB (+2.5)
My Pick To Win: GB 31-30
.

What about you? How do you see the Wild Card weekend turning out? Which team do you think has the best chance of winning multiple games in the playoffs? Which game are you most excited about? Let me know in the comments section, and maybe a discussion will break out.

At the very least, remember one point from this column. Good habits are worth keeping, and worth being passionate about.

Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

2009 NFL ATS Pick 'Em: Awards Banquet Schedule and Nominees

By: Luke Florence

The Grammy Awards have their own show for unveiling their nominees. The Oscars simply just announce theirs with the whole world watching. As for us, you get this column.

Awards have been handed out the past two years in this league, but never LIVE. We've never had nominees, and we've never announced, "And the NFL ATS Award Goes To ..." But we will do all of those things this year.

My favorite part about this league is that it provides opportunity. Sure, a select few will go away with some cash, but the majority of us won't. Instead, the rest of us can compete for made up hardware named after Bill Walton or Gus Johnson. With our league, everyone can potentially be a winner, and at the very least, enjoy the process of watching and reading it take place.

So after seventeen weeks of football, and seventeen weeks of picking games, we are left with our awards ceremony. It was always my hope that we could physically gather at a neutral site to do this, but that will probably be nothing more than a failed pipe dream. The next best idea involves a LIVE BLOG where our members can join, chat, make fun of each other, and see who walks away with the trophies.

What lies ahead of you is an itinerary of this coming Monday's events. It also shows the final nominees for each award. Please feel free to develop some sort of "Acceptance Speech" if you plan on attending. It would be rather lame if I had to accept each award on everyone else's behalf.

2009 NFL ATS PICK 'EM: AWARDS CEREMONY ITINERARY AND NOMINEES (All times EST)
8:00 - Welcoming by our commissioner and fellow participant Luke Florence (aka Skywalker, Flo, King of Arguments, KOA, L-Flizzle). Okay, I made the last nick-name up.

8:10 - Toast to those who started the year with us, but unfortunately could not make it to the end. (Please have a drink on-hand if you plan on attending. Unfortunately it is a BYOB event.)

8:15 - Mel Kiper III Award - Given to the person with the best overall ATS record for the 2009 season. Nominees: Nick Lay, Justin Whelan, Jamie Reamer, Luke Florence and Kevin Hunt.

8:20 - Casey Blake Award - Given to the person with the worst overall ATS record for the 2009 season. Nominees: Josh Florence and Bart Borer.
8:25 - Special Section Award - Given to the person who wrote the best special section over the course of the 2009 season. Nominees: Bart Borer's "Thoughts That Matter," Ryan Polito's "Knowledge Dropping," and Jason Fazzone's "In The Zone."

8:30 - Swami Award - Given to the person with the most amount of wins with their Special Pick during the 2009 season. Nominees: Brian Boesch's "F'd Up Pick," Luke Florence's "Not Gonna Watch And I Have Sunday Ticket," and Kevin Hunt's "Ballbuster Pick."

8:35 - Wait Till Next Year Award - Given to the person who despite not making any money this year, is the odds-on favorite to win it in 2010. Nominees: Eric Hug, Luke Polito, Matt Barnes, Shane Kline, and Chris Woodard.

8:40 - Katy Perry's Hot 'N Cold Award - Given to the person who was the most inconsistent of the bunch in 2009. Nominees: Chris Rapking, Erik Smith, Jake Young, and Matt Barnes.

8:45 - Newcomer Of The Year Award - Given to the first-year league member who grasped the concept behind our league and makes the league better as a whole because of their presence. Nominees: Nick Lay, Jason Fazzone, Jeff Schaffer, Eric Hug, Luke Polito, and Jamie Reamer.

8:50 - Most Valuable Player Award - Given to the league member who showed the most value throughout the 2009 season. Nominees: Matt Barnes, Brian Boesch, Justin Whelan, Jason Fazzone, and Kevin Hunt.

8:55 - Jake Delhomme Award - Given to the league member who was acting Delhomme-esque more so than the rest of us. Nominees: Ryan Polito, Anthony Tynan, Jake Young, and Josh Florence.
9:00 - E-Mail Of The Year Award - Given to the league member who had THE best e-mail of the season. Nominees: Nick Lay (Week One - Tecmo Super Bowl Theme), Brian Boesch (Week Fourteen - F'd Up Pick Of All F'd Up Picks), Shane Kline (Week Eight - Word Association), Kevin Hunt (Week Thirteen - All Poems), Bart Borer (Week Five - Las Vegas Story), and Matt Barnes (Week Nine - Anchorman Theme).

9:05 - Jeff Normand Award - Given to the league member who showed the most consistency (with regards to comments, not actual results) throughout the year. Nominees: Brian Boesch, Kevin Hunt and Erik Smith.

9:10 - Bill Walton Award - Given to the person with the most Bill Walton points at the end of the season. Nominees: Brian Boesch, Kevin Hunt, Jeff Schaffer, Matt Barnes, Nick Lay, and Jason Fazzone.

9:15 - Gus Johnson Award - Given to the person who did Gus Johnson proud. Nominees: Brian Boesch, Kevin Hunt, Matt Barnes and Nick Lay.
9:20 - Quote Of The Year Award - Given to THE best quote from 2009. This award will be taken care of throughout the ceremony. We have 17 nominees, and we will be counting down as we go along, so when the time comes, there will be three contenders left.

The 17 Quote Of The Year Candidates

Week One - "Picking the 49ers was cheating. Virtual Jerry Rice was about as stoppable as Bart's anus after 20 volcano tacos." - Nick Lay.

Week Two - “Scoreboards are too big. They may fall off the ceiling. Romo is homo. (yes, there's your haiku of the week)” - Kevin Hunt.

Week Three - “‘Friends Don't Let Friends Drive Drunk’ - Apparently, Donte Stallworth has no friends. I mean, Ray Lewis stabbed a guy but his friends didn't let him drive drunk. That's being responsible.” - Matt Barnes.

Week Four - “With both Maurice Jones-Drew and Mike Sims-Walker, the Jags have a distinct advantage in amount of last names on a roster. How do YOU intimidate your opponents?” - Jeff Schaffer.

Week Five - “Braylon Edwards created the blueprint on how to get out of Cleveland: take out someone in LeBron’s posse. Can’t wait to hear about Grady Sizemore kicking Maverick Carter (Bron’s agent) in the balls outside a Cleveland nightclub, then doing a Tiger Woods fist-pump in celebration.” - Jason Fazzone.

Week Six - “Fantasy play of the week: Picking up Matt Cassel and dropping DA. I could've started Jamie Reamer at QB and gotten more points than DA would've given me.” - Nick Lay.

Week Seven - “The Wikipedia reference worked wonders for the Raiders last week. Well, how about one that will rattle the Sanchize. According to Wikipedia, Sanchez is ‘a symbol of Mexican-American identity and a role model for children.’ Good thing I'm not Mexican-American or a child.” - Brian Boesch.

Week Eight - “Matt Schaub. Fantasy. Megan Fox. Racist Robots. Black Jokes. Matt Barnes.” - Shane Kline.

Week Nine - “Way to go Browns. "You woke up the Bears". Apparently, they could also smell the menstruation coming from Eric Mangini.” - Matt Barnes.

Week Ten - “Jake Young kept creepily smiling at me and touching my chest at the bars Tuesday night. If that isn't a waving of the white flag by Packer nation, I don't know what is." - Brian Boesch.

Week Eleven - "RB Chris Johnson is Stephen Hawking. For all we know, he operates as a machine, not even as a human. Though I have a feeling Stephen Hawking's wheelchair seriously lacks, 'gettin' away from the cops speed.'" - Kevin Hunt.

Week Twelve - “Jake Delhomme = Tony Romo of December, except it’s all year long.” - Eric Hug.

Week Thirteen - "Despite going over 100 miles an hour, both Adrian Peterson and Bernard Berrian couldn’t get away from the cops. Somewhere, Gus is shaking his head." - Jason Fazzone.

Week Fourteen - "I'd rather be Tim Tebow's Jacksonville home after the team is sold and moves to Little Rock, Arkansas." - Kevin Hunt.

Week Fifteen - "I’m backing Tony Romo against an undefeated team in December. Either this is the reason I’m doing worse than the Raiders or Christmas is the time for miracles after all." - Brian Boesch.

Week Sixteen - "Rex Ryan is turning into that annoying relative that tells you stupid stories or jokes whenever you visit him. Just be serious for 10 minutes, Rex. I'll reward you with a cupcake, or 10." - Brian Boesch.

Week Seventeen - "St. Louis has won six games in the last three years. SIX! Tell a ten year old that the Rams were the most exciting team in the league when he was born, and he'd believe you as quickly as Billy Madison believed that Chris Farley got some of Miss Vaughn." - Brian Boesch.

9:25 - Time to hit the road. One final toast for the 2009 season.

It should only take 90 minutes, but hopefully the memories last a lifetime. (Classic over-sell) Nonetheless, I really hope everyone can make it on January 11th as we cap off the 2009 NFL ATS season.

Best of luck.

Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."