2009 NFL ATS Pick 'Em: Week Thirteen QOTW

By: Luke Florence

Week Thirteen saw the first week where we missed a regular season column. Life just got in the way. But on the plus side, it did see Kevin Hunt get up to the challenge of coming up with a hilarious poem for each match-up, Brian Boesch crafting an epic story, and the continuation of the Nick Lay-Jamie Reamer feud.

Let's begin with Brian Boesch's story about a boy named Jake.

"It all started on a cold afternoon in Chicago when two friends, Kyle (Boller) and Jay (Cutler), met up to compare careers before a feather-fest at Soldier Field. After slapping each other and calling each other gaywads and loserfaces for a few minutes, both made up and started playing "catch." However, both guys had trouble throwing accurately, so they started slapping again.

Fortunately, Jake Delhomme showed up, so Kyle and Jay ganged up on Jake. Josh Freeman then came over and proclaimed that he was the best QB there at that point. Not only did the rest of the crew agree, but Josh didn't think that was anything special. So, all four signal callers decided to go to...

JACKSONVILLE! It's a job you always hope for...not a lot of pressure, good money, hot (er...retired?) secretaries! Really, the four-man QB crew couldn't think of anything better. But there was one problem. No NFL team carries 4 QBs. Someone had to go. So, the Jags decided to leave it up for a vote. The four QBs would vote on who should be cut. And there was a unanimous winner. Jake Delhomme even voted for Jake Delhomme. It was time to head somewhere else.

Jake figured he would try his luck in Kansas City. I mean, a team led by a 33 year old coach would surely take a look, right? And if not, a team led by a QB who didn't play in college would have to look at Jake. They would just HAVE to. Instead, McDaniels gave him an Amsterdam Admirals hat, and Cassel just sang him "Daylight come, and you gotta Delhomme" until he left. It was on to Indy.

Oh, even Jake knew going to Indy would be dumb. This was where his connection flight landed. While waiting for his flight to Atlanta, Jake searched for motivation. So he went to his Wikipedia page. He reminisced back to his days with Pat Barnes, when they were the "Double-Headed Quarterback Monster" (not making this up). What was this? It was simple..." Delhomme and Barnes would run a quarterback option, with Barnes pitching to Delhomme, who would then throw bombs for touchdowns." He knew he still had it in him.

Once Delhomme got to Atlanta, he wasn't even allowed in the stadium to talk with the Falcons (I mean, come on...Chris Redman??!?!?!, thought Jake). So he started screaming like crazy. Since this was the Vick Bowl, they thought Delhomme may have been a dog fighter, so they shot him in the leg. More determined than ever, Jake continued his journey.

Somehow, Jake made it to Washington. He gathered himself and walked up to Jim Zorn. But Zorn called Jason Campbell and they both had a chuckle. Zorn said, "Look at that dead man walking," and walked over to Sherman Smith, his new offensive coordinator, who gave Zorn a nice pat on the head. Still, Jake remained determined.

It was a short hike to Pittsburgh for Delhomme, who tried to get into the Oakland locker room. But there was a sign saying, "only former Cleveland Brown retreads or 6-6, 275 pound dudes named JaMarcus can play quarterback for us." Jake sighed and walked away, passing Derek Anderson on the way out.

Just when he thought that all was lost, Jake saw the progress made in Detroit. And that Cincinnati was a contender. He felt like he belonged in these two cities. But then Carson Palmer brought him back down to earth, telling him that both of these cities are always crappy. He showed him Akili Smith Way and told him stories about Charles Rogers Street. Jake Delhomme didn't want to stay long enough to see Jake Delhomme Boulevard, so he just left.

Then Jake remembered....Bill Belichick can revive a career. I mean, come on, Leigh Bodden is a serviceable, borderline solid cornerback now! Sure enough, Jake was right! Bill offered the much-maligned quarterback a job with the team. There were only two stipulations...he had to wear an "I'm With Stupid" shirt with an arrow pointing up and he had to say "Don't do this" every time he threw a ball. After hearing these guidelines, Jake politely declined the job and decided to head home.

No, home wasn't Carolina. Home was, and is, the home of Tony Romo. Jake got back and told Tony (aka honeybuns, his pet name for Tony) the entire story. Tony felt so bad that he decided that the two must take their relationship to the next level. So, they made it "Facebook official."

Tony and Jake decided to team up to try to get Mrs. Romo (aka Jake) back in the NFL. So they went to Cleveland, where Eric Mangini decided to bring him aboard. After a bad first half, Mangini benched Brady Quinn for Jake Delhomme, which prompted Randy Lerner to fire Mangini on the spot! The Browns ended up losing 50-0, but Jake was back in the league. Unfortunately, the Browns hired a new GM and cut Jake Delhomme 3 seconds into his introductory press conference. Jake realized that was the end of the line. He decided to retire.

So Tony and Jake went back home and cuddled while watching two upper 30s year olds battle it out. Jake cried a little bit during the game, but Tony consoled him. It was pretty gross, to be honest.

So Tony decided to touch Jake, Jake Young-style. It truly was the white flag that was needed. And that was it for the career of Jake Delhomme."

TOP TEN WEEK THIRTEEN QUOTES

10-tie) "The Steelers weren't Stellars last week

With Dixon under center.

Hines Ward shouldn't talk, instead he should be

Serving as Big Ben's rape case mentor." - Kevin Hunt.

10-tie) "Both of these teams considered to be cats

When Lions and Bengals play.

Which basically means they can't eat 20 wings

At Hooters on any day." - Kevin Hunt.

9) "I'll be in the stadium this Monday night,

Wearing a bullet-proof vest.

But Ray Lewis used a knife to kill a man right,

So having a body guard might be the best." - Kevin Hunt.

8) "The sight of Mike Vick back in ATL

Could be a bit uneasy.

But it's the thought of Andy Reid eating Southern food

That's making me feel queasy.

And if ever a coach could do that to me

It'd be Reid or Eric Mangini." - Kevin Hunt.

7) "Two great quotes from last week. The first one, you may have heard, it was from Cris Colinsworth – “Ray Lewis is killing these backs right now.” The next one from my roommate: “I don’t think I would want to meet Ray Lewis on a street, he would probably shank me.” I am relatively positive that neither of these people know anything about this league." - Eric Hug.

6) "This spread is only 3.5?? Wow, that's more off than Lay's 'jump shot.'" - Jamie Reamer.

5) "Welcome back, Jake Delhomme. Secondaries were missing you the past couple weeks." - Jason Fazzone.

4) "When it's Bulger or Boller to choose at QB,
that's really no winning platoon.
And along with Jay Cutler we're likely to see
At least 17 picks this afternoon." - Kevin Hunt.

3) "When I heard "Of The Man" would be on the bench,

I just had to change my choice.

Compared to the Ukrainian car that's Matt Moore

Ol' Jake's a brand new Rolls Royce." - Kevin Hunt.

2) "Arrowhead's not a good place to be

When you're heading there in December.

It's like being Barnes at a New York club

And white guy dance moves are all you can remember." - Kevin Hunt.

1) "Despite going over 100 miles an hour, both Adrian Peterson and Bernard Berrian couldn’t get away from the cops. Somewhere, Gus is shaking his head." - Jason Fazzone.

Week Fourteen is on deck.

Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."