Week fourteen was the second consecutive week that we missed a regular season column. At this point work was taking front stage for not only myself, but for some of our league members as well. We saw Matt Barnes and Nick Lay not turn in comments for the second straight week, which all but eliminated them from the Gus Johnson Award. But, we did see Jeff Schaffer make his picks based off the #13, Kevin Hunt talking about the things he'd rather be doing than shoveling a foot and a half of snow, and Brian Boesch rolls an epic F'd Up Pick Of The Week.
Let's start with the F'd Up Pick of all F'd Up Picks.
"Without checking, this is the biggest F'd Up Pick of the Week yet. Two teams fighting for a bye in the first round of the playoffs. Two teams I don't want to see succeed because of an unfair aspect (Cincy...their fans, Minnesota...their Wrangler salesman). Really, those are the only two reasons. I think Cincinnati keeps it very close and may even win this game, so the Bengals would be my pick. But that's not how this pick is made. Here goes nothing (road team rolls first):
Roll 1: I noticed I didn't use the "#" sign before each roll number last week, and I won (wow am I bored during winter break). So I'm taking that approach again this week. Cincy rolls a 9, and how about this. Minnesota goes snake eyes, with a 2 on the and-one. Favre is showing off. He rolls his number, and steals away attention by doing it the and-one way. I hate Brett Favre. 9-4 CIN.
Roll 2: High scoring second roll, as the Bengals get an 8 and the Vikes counter with an 11. 17-15 CIN early on.
Roll 3: Cincy has had a six in every roll. This time a six with a 2. Vikings can only get a 5. Bengals lead 25-20 CIN.
Roll Favre: Sorry, I had to. Don't worry Bengals fans. You'll get your own cute number switch later. The Bengals keep rolling well, this time with a 9. Double 3's for the Vikings, but only a 1 on the and-one. The Vikings have had two more rolls than the Bengals, yet haven't been able to take advantage. 34-27 Cincy.
Roll Cinco: See, I told you. I'm warming up to the whole Ochocinco thing. Plus, I've always liked him. And there are too many people with the last name "Johnson." Imagine being the THIRD best wideout with the last name Johnson in the league right now. Now, he gets to be the best "Ochocinco" wideout in the history of the NFL. Smart stuff. Anyways, the Bengals finally slow down, but Minnesota cannot take advantage. 5's for both sides. 39-32 CIN at the half.
Roll 6: Now we are seeing low scored. 6-4 Vikes in the round. 43-38 CIN. But this game has a chance to be low scoring but sneaky good and exciting. Stay tuned.
Roll 7: Another couple points back for the Vikings. 8-6 in the round. Vikings only down three. 49-46 Cincy. See what I mean?
Roll Ocho: Another tie for both these squads. 6 for each. This is gonna be low scoring but good. 55-52 Bengals. Two rolls to go.
Roll 9: The Bengals take over late AGAIN. DOUBLE 6's, then ANOTHER 6, followed by a 2. Vikings can only get an 8. Wow. There's some scoring for you. 75-60 Bengals. Vikings need a Favre-icle.
Roll 10: A 7 for the Bengals means that Minnesota will need at least two and-ones. And the roll....WAIT NOW. Double 5's. Another 5 would make this really interesting. It's right now 82-70 Bengals. But the Vikes will need at least two more 5's.
The and-one....OHHHHH IT'S A 555555!!!! 82-75 Cincy. NO WAY....This cannot happen....
The second and-one. OH MY GOD ANOTHER 5!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!!!!!!! 82-80 Cincy. NO WAY!!!!!!! A 3 or higher, and the Vikings win!!!!!!
One more and-one. Here goes nothing.....A FIFTH FIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! VIKINGS WINNNNNNNN, and they are STILL going. Are you joking? This is unbelievable. Let's roll it again. Maybe a 100 point score?!?!?! Here goes nothing....
6 FIVES!!!!!! FAVRE DID IT AGAIN. I wish I was making this up. Minnesota has rolled 6 consecutive 5's. They can't get another one, can they?!?!?!?! The roll....a 6! WOOOOOOW. 36 points on the final roll. That was one of the coolest sporting events I've ever witnessed. Vikings win it 96-82.
I have added that as an honorable mention on my list of all time sporting events. You can now read that attachment...I'm not kidding. That was unbelievable.
TOP TEN WEEK FOURTEEN QUOTES
14) "Starting to get frustrated...31 Brandon Meriweather gets the nod over fellow DB Richard Marshall, not only by direct comparison but also the fact that he'll have Jake Delhomme throwing his way." - Jeff Schaffer.13) "I'd rather be acting like I'm going to be successful for 5 years when I'm actually not even close to being it." - Kevin Hunt.
12) "Can we all agree NOT to like Houston next year? How many times do we have to get this wrong? There are certain things we know in life, and Houston finishing around 8-8 should be added to the list." - Brian Boesch.
10-tie) "I'd rather be a high school football play in Kiln, Mississippi, getting ready to catch balls for Brett Favre's comeback attempt next summer." - Kevin Hunt.
10-tie) "The ONLY bad thing about the Browns beating the Steelers Thursday night? Now I can't make fun of the Steelers for losing to the Raiders. It would be like making fun of Tiger for losing to Y.E. Yang in the PGA. Just not anywhere near as awesome." - Brian Boesch.
9) "No 13s again, but all I had to see was the three punters on the Bucs' roster, one who is named Dirk. Count it." - Jeff Schaffer.
8) "FINALLY!!! Kurt Warner and Shaun Hill close the week with an epic 13 match-up! Seriously though, Warner's way better...even with gloves on both his hands." - Jeff Schaffer.
7) "I'd rather be whatever is one step above Marc Bulger." - Kevin Hunt.
6) "Maybe Jake the Snake could replace Jake Sendmehome." - Jeff Normand.
5) "Detroit and Cleveland are becoming sneaky covers. Tiger Woods is a bad husband. What is the world coming to? Oh wait, Tony Romo lost a big December game. Life isn't THAT different." - Brian Boesch.
4) "This is the Nick Lay game of the week. It's terrible, no one cares, and hopefully it gets blacked out." - Jamie Reamer.
3) "I'd rather be in the drain when Kyle Orton shaved his beard... and somehow looked worse than when he had it." - Kevin Hunt.
2) "Why on earth am I doing this failure of a theme...I'll take the Jags for no reason at all." - Jeff Schaffer.
1) "I'd rather be Tim Tebow's Jacksonville home after the team is sold and moves to Little Rock, Arkansas." - Kevin Hunt.
Don't look now, but week fifteen is up next.
Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."
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