Tuesday, October 19, 2010

2010 NFL ATS Pick 'Em: Week Six QOTW

By: Luke Florence
Most NFL teams come off bye weeks refreshed, re-focused and re-energized for the rest of the year. They look forward to the bye week as a chance to heal pre-existing injuries and provide a new start to build momentum.

This league is not the NFL.

Coming off our bye week, our pick 'em league could have gone one of two ways. We could have produced an extreme high number of comments, or a record-low.

The latter prevailed.

Unfortunately life gets in the way sometimes. Lord knows that has happened to me before ... continually does, and always will. With only two league members sending in comments expect a shift in all of the following standings.

GUS JOHNSON STANDINGS (after six weeks)
1) Jake Young - Gus continually brings it, and the last several weeks so has Jake. With the rest of the league failing to show up, Jake stands alone.

2) Kevin Hunt - his Big Ben e-mail might wins awards, but it certainly vaulted him towards the top here.

3) Jeff Schaffer - celebrated a bit too much on his previous week #1 ranking ... still got plenty of time to get back up there.

4) Brian Boesch - went to the Browns-Bengals game and never came back.

5) Gus Johnson - it could happen ... believe.

SWAMI AWARD STANDINGS
1) Kevin Hunt's Ballbuster Pick of the Week (4-1) - No Pick.

2) Luke Florence's Sunday Ticket Not Gonna Watch Pick of the Week (2-4) - SEA over CHI.

3) Jake Young's Seabiscuit Pick of the Week (2-3) - ATL lost to PHI.

4) Brian Boesch's F'd Up Pick of the Week (2-1) - No Pick.

5) Kevin Hunt's Gus Johnson Pick of the Week (1-2) - No Pick.

TOP TEN WEEK SIX QUOTES
10) "Yo Big Ben is so fat, he didn't call Taco John's to see IF they delivered, he called to say they HAD to deliver." - Kevin Hunt.

9) "I wasn’t convinced how this one was gonna go, but it just seemed the probability of Julius Peppers killing Matt Hasselbeck was just too great." - Jake Young.

8) "Yo Big Ben is so unpopular, he was almost the target of the shooting at Michael Vick's birthday party, but he didn't get invited." - Kevin Hunt.

7) "Yo Big Ben is so douchey, he fit in at Miami of Ohio in every way (well, sorry, every way except for the Nick Lays of the world)." - Kevin Hunt.

6) "Yo Big Ben is so bad with money, he makes Detroit look like Charles Schwab (yay Detroit!!)." - Kevin Hunt.

5) "I tweeted the other day, 'What would you do if Favre sent you a picture of his dong?' I got one response. 'Right click>>Set as background' I’m guessing that’s what Romo did when he got his copy." - Jake Young.

4) "Yo Big Ben is so sloppy, when he eats he makes Barnes look elegant." - Kevin Hunt.

3) "Big Ben is so gay, He makes Elton John look straight. Romo is homo." - Kevin Hunt.

2) "I’ve been dangling Matt Schaub as trade bait much the way Ben used to (still does) dangle Little Ben in Georgia bars." - Jake Young.

1) "Yo Big Ben has such a small penis, his victim dropped rape charges." - Kevin Hunt.

BILL WALTON AWARD STANDINGS (after six weeks)
1) Kevin Hunt - 73

2) Jeff Schaffer - 69

3) Brian Boesch - 49


4) Jake Young - 44


5) Matt Barnes - 18


6) Nick Lay - 13


7) BESS Club - 10


8) Jason Fazzone - 3


Congrats to Kevin Hunt's week six QOTW. That one is an early favorite for Quote of the Year.

Here's to eleven more weeks of fun.

Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."

Saturday, October 16, 2010

2010 NFL ATS Pick 'Em: Week Six

By: Luke Florence

With the leaves on the trees changing colors, jackets getting pulled out of hibernation, and baseball starting their postseason action, it can only mean one thing ... fall is here.

While there is no debate why fall is the greatest season of them all, there can be plenty of sorrow in the slow disappearance of summer. No more afternoons spent at the pool checking out the girls. No more t-shirt and short days. No more long days. No more.

In a couple of weeks, when it gets really chilly, most of us will wish we had 500 Days of Summer instead of just 90 or so.

No, 500 Days of Summer does not deal with an extended heat wave, instead, it is more of a unique take on the classic tale of boy meets girl, boy falls in love, girl breaks boy's heart.

It happens to all of us, and it happened to Joseph Gordon-Levitt in this terrific movie.

Maybe you believe in fate, maybe you don't, but beliefs can sometimes change when life gets in the way.

As for this league, many of us are experiencing differing degrees of struggle, and we are hoping that will change before it's too late.



SEATTLE @ CHICAGO (-7.5)

"You weren't wrong, Tom. You were just wrong about me." - Summer

I have been almost nothing but wrong with my Sunday Ticket Pick this year. Here's to hoping Jay Cutler pulls a Todd Collins ... yikes.

My Pick: SEA (+7.5) - Sunday Ticket Not Gonna Watch Pick of the Week

Hunt: "Yo Big Ben is such a copycat, he heard about Ochocinco's name change and almost made his "Ben Buffet" just to match." Kevin Hunt has been so excited for this e-mail ... it's been a year in the making. What follows is his full array of Big Ben jokes which will certainly be in the running for e-mail of the year.

Jake: "I wasn’t convinced how this one was gonna go, but it just seemed the probability of Julius Peppers killing Matt Hasselbeck was just too great." Does Hasselbeck even play anymore? How has he not turned into Kerry Collins is simply amazing or speaks to lack of QB depth in Seattle.

MIAMI @ GREEN BAY (-0.5)

"People don't realize this, but loneliness is underrated." - Tom

The Miami Dolphins are the most underrated team in the league, while the Green Bay Packers may be the most overrated team. Having said that, I'm taking the Pack.

My Pick: GB (-0.5)

Hunt: "Yo Big Ben is so fat, he didn't call Taco John's to see IF they delivered, he called to say they HAD to deliver." Just another thing that Big Ben tells people they HAVE to do.

Jake: "I won’t pick against them, even as injuries turn them into a scout team." It's blind loyalty like this that will hurt Jake in the long run.

KANSAS CITY @ HOUSTON (-4.5)

"Did you ever do this, you think back on all the times you've had with someone and you just replay it in your head over and over again and you look for those first signs of trouble?" - Tom



If the loser of this game fails to make the playoffs, they will look back to this as one of the first signs of trouble.

My Pick: HOU (-4.5)

Hunt: "Yo Big Ben is so dopey, he saw a picture of himself on peopleofwalmart.com ... and laughed hysterically." Never been to that website, but I have a pretty good idea as to what's on there.

Jake: "If the Texans and Matt…oh my god, the new Bobby Flay Throwdown commercial just made me have a seizure…" Was it this one? ...



BALTIMORE @ NEW ENGLAND (-3.5)

"Either she's an evil, emotionless, miserable human being, or... she's a robot." - Tom

Either way, Ray Lewis would probably try and kill her ... and then get away with it.

My Pick: NE (-3.5)

Hunt: "Yo Big Ben is so douchey, he fit in at Miami of Ohio in every way (well, sorry, every way except for the Nick Lays of the world)." Hunt should have just ended it without the parentheses. Let's get another feud started.

Jake: "With Randy Moss out of the picture, it’s time for Taylor Price to shine." How many receivers does New England have? I picked up Justin Edelman thinking the same thing.

DETROIT @ NEW YORK GIANTS (-10.5)

"If Tom had learned anything... it was that you can't ascribe great cosmic significance to a simple earthly event. Coincidence, that's all anything ever is, nothing more than coincidence... Tom had finally learned, there are no miracles. There's no such thing as fate, nothing is meant to be. He knew, he was sure of it now." - Narrator

It's going to take a miracle for the Lions to win this one.

My Pick: NYG (-10.5)

Hunt: "Yo Big Ben is so bad with money, he makes Detroit look like Charles Schwab (yay Detroit!!)." If Brian Boesch was still with us he would be proud.

Jake: "I just get this feeling that this will be a shootout. Go Lions!! Make Manning face!!" If it was in Detroit, then no question about it ... guns would be a blazing.

ATLANTA @ PHILADELPHIA (-3.5)

"I love how she makes me feel, like anything's possible, or like life is worth it." - Tom

This is how Andy Reid feels about Michael Vick right now. Unfortunately, Kevin Kolb is kind of acting like the third-wheel.

My Pick: ATL (+3.5)

Hunt: "Yo Big Ben is so unpopular, he was almost the target of the shooting at Michael Vick's birthday party, but he didn't get invited." Probably because all the females present at said party would have just said 'yes.'

Jake: "SEABISCUIT PICK OF THE WEEK: I won’t cheer for the Eagles until my dog is back under center, electrifying everyone in sight." Jake sent me a text a couple weeks ago talking about how his dog got hurt, and he had me thinking he had an actual dog. That's how close Jake is with Vick this year.

CLEVELAND @ PITTSBURGH (-13.5)

"Robin is better than the girl of my dreams. She's real." - Paul



When Mike Holmgren drafted Colt McCoy I very much doubt he dreamed McCoy would make his NFL debut on the road against the Steelers ... but it's very much reality.

Could be worse though ... it could have been Jake Delhomme.

My Pick: PIT (-13.5)

Hunt: "Yo Big Ben has such a small penis, his victim dropped rape charges." And the week six QOTW goes to ...

Jake: "This is the week I’ve been waiting for when I drafted Big Ben on my fantasy team. I’ve been dangling Matt Schaub as trade bait much the way Ben used to (still does) dangle Little Ben in Georgia bars." Not so fast my friends, Jake Young puts in his two cents for the QOTW as well.

SAN DIEGO (-8.5) @ ST. LOUIS

"Most days of the year are unremarkable. They begin and they end with no lasting memory made in between. Most days have no impact on the course of a life." - Narrator

This game will have zero impact on my life whatsoever ... and I couldn't be more thrilled. Let's just move on.

My Pick: SD (-8.5)

Hunt: "Yo Big Ben is so wacky, he likely spent his suspension weeks wearing a funny-looking hat at a BET taped concert that featured a white Ray Charles." Which, for those of you that don't know, is where the original Big Ben Game originated.

Jake: "Whenever I see a game involves St. Louis, my brain turns off. Also, suck it Cardinals. Just sayin." Not to be confused with the ever-so-popular, Suck It Barnes.

NEW ORLEANS (-4.5) @ TAMPA BAY

"Look, I know you think that she was the one, but I don't. No, I think you're just remembering the good stuff, next time you look back, I, uh, I think you should look again." - Rachel

Remembering the good stuff is all New Orleans can do right now, because they sure aren't creating any new memories worth remembering.

My Pick: NO (-4.5)

Hunt: "Yo Big Ben hates the environment so much that he told BP to allow the oil spill so New Orleans, Houston and all of the Gulf could experience the black Steel Curtain defense on the coast." Thought Hunt was going to make a comparison about smothering fishes with smothering girls in bathrooms.

Jake: "Raheem is still trying to say his team sucks, so I guess I’ll take him at his word. Coaches don’t lie, right??" As Stephen King put it, "Only enemies speak the truth. Friends and lovers lie endlessly, caught in the web of duty."

NEW YORK JETS (-3.5) @ DENVER

"Sorry, I'm sorry, I um, I quit. There's enough bullshit in the world without my help." - Tom



Bullshit like the belief that Mark Sanchez is a good QB while Brady Quinn can't even find the sidelines these days?

My Pick: DEN (+3.5)

Hunt: "Yo Big Ben is so cheap, he wouldn't buy Braylon Edwards a cab." Instead, he'd probably ask a drunken Edwards for a free ride, because we all know how much Big Ben likes free rides.

Jake: "If God has a sense of humor, he’ll end the Jets season in some hilariously, awful way." Hopefully with Braylon Edwards behind the wheel.

OAKLAND @ SAN FRANCISCO (-6.5)

"Misery, sadness, loss of faith, no reason to live... This is perfect for you." - Vance

Anyone who watches more than five minutes of this contest will experience all of the above.

My Pick: SF (-6.5)

Hunt: "Yo Big Ben is so ethically corrupt, he asks Michael Vick for management advice... to use on women." That actually makes sense.

Jake: "So, the maintenance guy at my apartment complex walked into my place today without knocking or saying a word. I woke up to the sound of my door opening. He never said a word until I got out of bed and asked him what he was doing. Who does that?? Also, Jerry Rice fumbled." Last year Bart Borer told a similar story involving a hotel maid and his bare ass.

DALLAS @ MINNESOTA (-1.5)

"It pains me that we live in a world where nobody's heard of Spearmint." - Tom

It pains me that we live in a world where everyone has seen Brett Favre's gentle giant.

My Pick: DAL (+1.5)

Hunt: "Big Ben is so gay, He makes Elton John look straight. Romo is homo." There's the Big Ben/Romo haiku I've been waiting nearly a year for. Well worth it.

Jake: "I tweeted the other day, 'What would you do if Favre sent you a picture of his dong?' I got one response. 'Right click>>Set as background' I’m guessing that’s what Romo did when he got his copy." Watch out Jeff Schaffer ... here comes Jake Young climbing up the Gus Johnson standings.

INDIANAPOLIS (-2.5) @ WASHINGTON

"There's only two kinds of people in the world. There's women, and there's men. Summer Finn was a woman." - Narrator

There's only two kinds of QB's in the world. There's good ones, and there's bad ones. Peyton Manning is a good one.

My Pick: IND (-2.5)

Hunt: "Yo Big Ben is so odd and egotistical, when he gets sick, he makes soup and calls it 'life saving chicken broth-lisberger.'" Yes, these are my friends.

Jake: "Manning Face will be AWOL in this one." Nationally televised game = no Manning Face (unless its the playoffs).

TENNESSEE (-2.5) @ JACKSONVILLE

"It's love, it's not Santa Claus." - Tom

And if the Jacksonville Jaguars win this game, I won't believe in Santa either.

My Pick: TEN (-2.5)

Hunt: "Yo Big Ben is so sloppy, when he eats he makes Barnes look elegant." Couldn't be happier with Kevin Hunt's Big Ben E-mail. Finished it off with a gem. Barnes' poor eating habits probably stem back to the fact he never sat at a table in elementary school.

Jake: "The Music City Miracle was a forward pass. Just so everyone knows."



Agreed.

That's all she wrote for week six. Do yourself a favor and go see 500 Days of Summer.



Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."

Friday, October 15, 2010

2010 NFL ATS Pick 'Em: Week Four QOTW

By: Luke Florence
Apologies for the planned absence from the KOA. Been busy catching up with work, finishing up my LSAT, and being a guest on Jeff Schaffer's Court Street Cup Podcast, which can be found HERE or HERE.

Now that we are finally back we can move forward with the 2010 edition of this NFL ATS league.

Let us start with updating the award standings.

GUS JOHNSON AWARD (after five weeks)
1) Jeff Schaffer - he came, he saw, he conquered; welcome to #1 Schaf, best of luck.

2) Brian Boesch - defending champion drops out of the top spot for the first time; will be interesting to how he responds.

3) Jake Young - despite struggling with laundry machines, he is on the move with these standings.

4) Kevin Hunt - claims to be rooting for Jeff Schaffer, so Boesch won't join Coach as a back-to-back winner.

5) Matt Barnes - only here because affirmative action makes us.

SWAMI AWARD STANDINGS
1) Kevin Hunt's Ballbuster Pick of the Week (4-1) - BAL over PIT, STL lost to DET.

2) Jake Young's Seabiscuit Pick of the Week (2-2) - DEN over TEN, CAR lost to CHI.

3) Brian Boesch's F'd Up Pick of the Week (2-1) - missed past two weeks.

4) Luke Florence's Sunday Ticket Not Gonna Watch Pick of the Week (1-4) - SEA lost to STL, DET over STL.

5) Kevin Hunt's Gus Johnson Pick of the Week (1-2) - HOU over OAK, missed week five.

WEEK FOUR HONORABLE MENTION QUOTES
"I’m guessing that by week 8, Steve Smith will be getting Carl Spackler on the phone to see if he can come to Carolina and slice his ACL, much like he offered his services to Ty Webb to perform this same procedure on Judge Smails." - Nick Lay.

"I hope this gets down to be Kyle Orton vs. Kerry Collins. Such a terrible-looking dual between average QBs from Big Ten schools." - Kevin Hunt.

"It’s break out week against the best wide receiver corps in the NFL that doesn’t have a quarterback that can complete 10 passes a game." - Jake Young.

WEEK FOUR TOP TEN QUOTES
10-tie) "This one’s always a touchy matchup, due to the Packer fan base still harboring hatred towards the division rival Detroit Lions signing away Green Bay quarterbacking legend Don 'The Majik Man' Majkowski. You can bet The Majik Man was doing his best to get on as many talk shows this week to promote whatever it is he does these days." - Nick Lay.

10-tie) "The Jags' o-line really needs to get its pump on." - Jeff Schaffer.

9) "Well, it’s at this point of my picks where I have to admit I really haven’t been following the NFL too much outside of the Browns. Did Rex Ryan get his stomach stapled? I know he’s fat – if he hasn’t had it stapled, he should look into it. It helped Rosie O’Donnell to become less of a lesbian since her tummy can’t hold as much muff juice as it could before the surgery." - Nick Lay.

8) "From what I hear, Carson Palmer has looked horrendous this year. And I'm still pretty sure the Browns would pay him double Jake Delhomme's contract if they could." - Jeff Schaffer.

7) "I wonder if, when asked what three people you’d want to eat dinner with, someone has ever replied: Mike Vick, Ray Lewis and Ben Roethlisberger." - Jake Young.

6) "If Charlie Batch wins two games, I no longer believe in the NFL. Or the Ravens defense. Or Ray Lewis's guilt....wait, scratch that one." - Jeff Schaffer.

5) "Last week’s Panthers fan took it out on her kids. This week…saw a truck with two bumper stickers: Panthers and Confederate flag. Take it as you will." - Jake Young.

4) "Every time I think about how bad it sucks to be a Browns fan, I think of Bills fan Michael Grothaus. I allow myself to feel bad for about 20 seconds, then remember the Bills threw away four chances at a Super Bowl title and had a Hall-of-Fame QB within the last 900 years. Don't worry, Otto Graham, that was hyperbole." - Kevin Hunt.

3) "Dustin Keller is making Sanchez look like Peyton Manning...but his resemblance to a Romo is all natural." - Jeff Schaffer.

2) "So many brothas in the City of Brotherly Love this weekend. McNabb's return to Philadelphia. Vick's continuing rise to old form. Charlie Manuel's pursuit of another World Series title." - Kevin Hunt.

1) "I’ve actually visited both of these cities the past two summers. Both were good times in very different ways. Baltimore, for one, had an ocean to enjoy, while Pittsburgh had three disgusting, polluted rivers, swimming with whatever venereal diseases Big Ben has infected them with. Not sure if the biggest risk to living in Pittsburgh is breathing in the smog or the risk of Chlamydia every time you’re near the rivers." - Nick Lay.

BILL WALTON AWARD STANDINGS (after five weeks)
1) Jeff Schaffer - 69

2) Brian Boesch - 49


3) Kevin Hunt - 35


4) Jake Young - 27


5) Matt Barnes - 18

6) Nick Lay - 13


7) BESS Club - 10


8) Jason Fazzone - 3

Congratulations to Nick Lay for winning the week four quote of the week. Since week five was a declared bye-week, there will be no Bill Walton points awarded for week five. But, that fact did not deter two of our league members to produce high-quality comments. I present to you, Jeff Schaffer and Jake Young's week five comments.

Tampa Bay at Cincinnati (-6.5)

Jake: "Anybody got a box of OchoCincos?? It gets kind of lonely down here in Augusta. I kinda wanna call that charity hotline on the box so I have someone to talk to."

Denver at Baltimore(-7.5)

Schaf: "How much riot punch would Ray Lewis have to drink to kill Kyle Orton on the field? I would probably provide the funding for it."

Jake: "Kyle Orton taught LeBron about neck beards, and LeBron infused Orton with a sudden burst of athletic ability."

Jacksonville at Buffalo(-0.5)

Schaf: "Buffalo is not a team that gets a lot of opportunities to win...most of the ones they get they squander. I'm hoping this one will be different."

Jake: "When I was little, my team was the Bills because the Super Bowl was the only football I was watching, and they were there every year. Then, when they didn’t make it in 95, I decided to pick a new team. That’ll go down as one of the better decisions I’ve ever made."

Chicago(-2.5) at Carolina

Schaf: "I hope Jay Cutler's wound doesn't get infected...a passing Panther could get the wrong idea."

Jake: "SEABISCUIT PICK OF THE WEEK- My Carolina fan of the week is confused as ever. Was behind a guy at Subway who was wearing a Panthers jersey…Jake “Of the Man” no less, and a Bears hat. Don’t give up now confused fan. This week, your Panthers get it done."

Atlanta(-2.5) at Cleveland

Schaf: "I would probably drink soup out of Luke's shoe for a Falcons Super Bowl win."

Jake: "I want to see Rowdy Roddy White and Rowdy Rod McDavis go head to head to see who is the rowdiest and Roddiest of the bunch. I’ve met both now, and even though White gave me an autograph that I have yet to send to Schaf, McDavis accepted my friend request on Facebook. Tough decision on who I’ll be backing."

St. Louis at Detroit(-3.5)

Schaf: "Until last week Shaun Hill was really jamming me up...hopefully now Calvin Johnson can pump me up the Court Street Cup standings."

Jake: "I’ve gone back and forth on this one, but the Lions need this win so that their fans don’t completely forget about them now that the NHL is starting up."

NYG at Houston(-3.5)

Schaf: "Andre Johnson is definitely the champion of all receivers...and he may also be a master of karate."

Jake: "Cushing’s back and I’m hoping that means I get to see Manning Face all day."

Kansas City at Indianapolis(-8.5)

Schaf: "All of my instincts and training tell me the Colts win this game easy...all my instincts and training may be wrong."

Jake: "I don’t feel good about this pick, but I’m hoping that Peyton does the job and Matt Cassel continues to do what he’s been doing."

Green Bay (-2.5) at Washington

Jake: "I don’t feel good about this at all. I have to go with my team, but they just aren’t playing the way they should be."

San Diego (-5.5) at Oakland

Jake: "Time to prove you can get the job done Chargers. This is typically a tough game, so we’ll see."

New Orleans(-6.5) at Arizona

Schaf: "Derek Anderson has to be biggest jabroni in the NFL...maybe America."

Jake: "Arizona cured the woes of Atlanta’s offense a couple weeks ago, and the same will happen today for the Saints."

Tennessee at Dallas(-6.5)

Schaf: "I can't run as fast as Chris Johnson, but I think he'd be impressed with my speed...for a tall guy."

Jake: "I have a feeling Chris Johnson’s going to run wild today. He better if he’s still planning on running for 2,500 yards this year."

Philadelphia at San Francisco(-3.5)

Schaf: "Kevin Kolb's ineptitude has screwed me again."

Jake: "Brent Celek outperforms Vernon Davis today. Watch and see."

Minnesota at NYJ(-4.5)

Schaf: "When you tack on Moss you sacrifice Bernard Berrian, that's just a straight-up fact."

Jake: "When Moss left Minnesota, I actually was okay with him, but now that he’s back, all I can think about is his fake mooning of Packer fans in the playoffs. He’s back on my can’t stand list. But, I think he and Father Time will take down Revis this week."

Great stuff guys. Please keep 'em coming. They will count for points this week and hopefully for every week from here forth.

Here's to twelve more weeks of fun.

Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

2010 NFL ATS Pick 'Em: Skywalker Cup 2nd Round

By: Luke Florence

Now that the LSAT is finally behind the KOA, the focus can again shift back to this league. We need to update the week four QOTW, showcase those who took time to make week five quotes, and tally new award standings. But first, we will bring up to date the results from the first round of the brand-spanking new Skywalker Cup.

Unlike the actual Ryder Cup, the first round of the Skywalker Cup was actually quite uneventful. None of the matches came down to the final game, and we had only one dramatic comeback to speak of. Having said that, it still should be considered a success for adding another wrinkle to this ever-expanding league.

COMEBACK OF THE WEEK - Kevin Hunt over Chris Rapking

Rapking won week four by two games over Kevin, and was therefore 2 UP with 14 "holes" left to play. Rapking continued that momentum early on the back, winning another hole and taking a commanding 3 UP lead with only 5 holes to play. With time running out for Kevin, he ran off four consecutive wins (ARI, OAK, TEN, and PHI) to defeat Rapking in dramatic fashion, 1 UP.

1ST ROUND RESULTS

Justin Whelan 1 UP over Chris Woodard

Brian Boesch 4 & 3 over Brian Hunt

Erik Smith 2 & 1 over Jeff Schaffer

Kevin Hunt 1 UP over Chris Rapking

Ryan Polito 3 & 1 over Anthony Tynan

Corey Taylor 4 & 2 over Luke Polito

Jared Rosenberger 7 & 6 over Michael Grothaus

Jake Young 4 & 3 over Devin Frank

Nick Lay 2 UP over Jason Fazzone

Adam Beatrice 3 & 1 over BESS Club

Matt Barnes 1 UP over Brad Trummer

Luke Florence 3 & 1 over Eric Hug

2ND ROUND MATCH-UPS (weeks 6-8)

Shane Kline vs. Justin Whelan
Brian Boesch vs. Erik Smith

Alex Lucius vs. Kevin Hunt
Ryan Polito vs. Corey Taylor

Billy Wakefield vs. Jared Rosenberger
Jake Young vs. Nick Lay

Jamie Reamer vs. Adam Beatrice
Matt Barnes vs. Luke Florence

Surprisingly enough, we did not have a single tie in the 1st Round, so our tie-breaker never came up. If there happens to be a tie after all holes have been played, we will determine the winner sudden-death style.

For example, lets say that Alex Lucius and Kevin Hunt tie after week eight. To break this tie, we will start at the Monday Night game from week five (in other words, the most recent week not used in the round). We will work BACKWARDS from there, game-by-game, until the tie is broken. First person to wins a hole wins the match-up and advances.

Best of luck guys.

Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."

Saturday, October 02, 2010

2010 NFL ATS Pick 'Em: Week Four

By: Luke Florence

On one fall weekend every two years, football takes a backseat in my heart ... to golf. For you see the Ryder Cup takes place this weekend and it has all of my attention. I love the team competition. I love the format. I love the camaraderie. I love the pressure it bestows on the players. I love the home-course advantage. I love everything about it because it embodies the greatness of sports.

Some of us love it so much that we try to copy it. The Earl Cup comes immediately to mind. Long story short, this was the Tiffin Calvert golf's team version of the Ryder Cup. Currently, the Court Street Cup has taken on the shape of the Ryder Cup, using different fantasy sports leagues to determine an overall champion. (Side note: I have so many great ideas for the CSC I'm practically bursting. We shall see if Schaffer ever extends the KOA an invite to his podcast to bring these ideas to fruition)

All these cups got me thinking about adding one to our league. I thought of adding a "team concept," which involved pairing random league members up. I thought of an actual golf outing over the summer (which would be a lot of fun).

But I ended up going with a bracket-type format that involved a combination of the NCAA Tournament and the Ryder Cup. We are going to name it the Skywalker Cup. Here is how it will work.

- All 28 league members are seeded 1-28 based on their current rankings. Obviously we will have some ties, and our tiebreaker will be whoever had the previous best week. Then we get placed in the bracket, based on those seedings, and compete head-to-head against another league member.

- The format will be similar to the Ryder Cup, because we will treat each NFL game as a golf hole. In all actuality whoever wins more games during the round will advance, but the scoring will resemble the "3 & 2" Ryder Cup format. Don't worry about this. If you understand it, great. If not, just try to win more games than your opponent.

- In order to facilitate all 28 members, the top four seeds will receive a 1st-round bye. The 1st-round will last two weeks (weeks four and five). The 2nd, and all proceeding rounds, will last three weeks, with the championship taking place the final three weeks of the season.

- Here are the 1st-round pairings:

#1 Shane Kline vs. BYE WEEK
#16 Chris Woodard vs. #17 Justin Whelan
#8 Brian Boesch vs. #25 Brian Hunt
#9 Erik Smith vs. #24 Jeff Schaffer

#4 Alex Lucius vs. BYE WEEK
#13 Chris Rapking vs. #20 Kevin Hunt
#5 Ryan Polito vs. #28 Anthony Tynan
#12 Luke Polito vs. #21 Corey Taylor

#3 Bill Wakefield vs. BYE WEEK
#14 Michael Grothaus vs. #19 Jared Rosenberger
#6 Jake Young vs. #27 Devin Frank
#11 Jason Fazzone vs. #22 Nick Lay

#2 Jamie Reamer vs. BYE WEEK
#15 Adam Beatrice vs. #18 BESS Club
#7 Matt Barnes vs. #26 Brad Trummer
#10 Luke Florence vs. #23 Eric Hug

Best of luck to all, and remember, the 1st round will last two weeks.

And staying with the golf theme, we went with The Legend of Bagger Vance, in the hopes of finding our one true authentic swing this week.



SAN FRANCISCO @ ATLANTA (-7.5)

"A terrific shot! But into the woods, goddammit! Goddammit! I spend more time in the trees than the squirrels do." - Hardy

In golf, you can hit terrific shots that end up in the trees. In football, you can play really well and still lose. The first two weeks of the season San Francisco played well, but still lost. They will probably lose this one too, but here's to hoping it's by less than a touchdown.

My Pick: SF (+7.5)

Hunt: "What if the Niners just aren't that good?? What if the thing that everyone keeps saying you HAVE to have -- at worst, a SOLID QB -- is hindering SF?? Could this be a similar team to the Cleveland Browns w/ Jamal Lewis, only that Frank Gore is better than J-Lew??" Didn't one of those Jamal Lewis Browns-teams go 10-6? Did that actually happen?

Lay: I’m not sure that this game has an actual storyline. I do remember this from a prior match-up a few years back, however: 'Andre Rison! Deion Sanders! It’s the NFL on FOX!' This was obviously the apex for both of these players, but only on the football field, as Andre Rison would go on to be famous since his house was burnt down by Left Eye and Deion would rise to prominence with an extremely successful hot dog roller. And, in case you were wondering, the Deion Sanders Hot Dog Express not only cooks hot dogs, but all of your favorite cylindrical meats. Give your favorite hot dogs the ride of their life:



Hard to top that, really.

(Note: I cannot watch any of the videos or see any of the links I’m sending…they are all blocked at work. So hopefully they’re not too shitty and semi-relevant to what I’m talking about. Or not. It really doesn’t matter.)" Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Nick Lay. Wasn't the same without you.

Schaf: "The 49ers have been so much worse than expected...and yet I'm terrified that they'll win this game." My thoughts exactly.

NEW YORK JETS (-5.5) @ BUFFALO

"This is getting embarrassing." - Junuh
"Oh no sir, this has been embarrassing for quite some time." - Bagger

Bagger could be talking about Junuh's golf game, the Buffalo Bills, or Michael Grothaus' golf game (which somehow encompasses the first two thoughts).

My Pick: NYJ (-5.5)

Schaf: "Dustin Keller is making Sanchez look like Peyton Manning...but his resemblance to a Romo is all natural." In case you were wondering, this is what a QOTW looks like.

Hunt: "Every time I think about how bad it sucks to be a Browns fan, I think of Bills fan Michael Grothaus. I allow myself to feel bad for about 20 seconds, then remember the Bills threw away four chances at a Super Bowl title and had a Hall-of-Fame QB within the last 900 years. Don't worry, Otto Graham, that was hyperbole." One of my favorite ESPN commercials is the one featuring Jim Kelly and Adam Vinateri.



Lay: "Well, it’s at this point of my picks where I have to admit I really haven’t been following the NFL too much outside of the Browns. Did Rex Ryan get his stomach stapled? I know he’s fat – if he hasn’t had it stapled, he should look into it. It helped Rosie O’Donnell to become less of a lesbian since her tummy can’t hold as much muff juice as it could before the surgery." Yes, these are my friends.

CINCINNATI (-2.5) @ CLEVELAND

"Yeah, I always felt a man's grip on his club just like a man's grip on his world." - Bagger

And Eric Mangini's grip on his job is slowly loosening. Enter Holmgren.

My Pick: CIN (-2.5)

Schaf: "From what I hear, Carson Palmer has looked horrendous this year. And I'm still pretty sure the Browns would pay him double Jake Delhomme's contract if they could." Oh they will Schaf ... in about five years.

Lay: "I’ve got some inside sources here in Cleveland, and, lucky for you, I was able to figure out why Eric Wright had such a bad game against Anquan Boldin last week. Apparently Eazy-E was a parishioner at New Birth down south, and he said that Boldin not only looked like Bishop Eddie Long, but he also wore the same cologne, and the scent still haunts him to this day. Because he was anally raped by the Bishop. Which sucks." Wait, didn't Wright rape someone at USC? I thought that happened.

Hunt: "I don't get to watch much of the NFL on Sundays, but from what I'm told, both of these teams really aren't that great. It's almost like being in my group project for class. Here is an actual scenario from this past Thursday. The names and likenesses have not been changed to protect anyone from stupidity...

Me: OK guys, I'll just attach these files to an e-mail, I'll put the page numbers where you can grab the information, then next week in class we can hash out what direction we'll go in.
Wanna Be Art Teacher (peering over his laptop): Hmmmm, what e-mail do you have for me??
Me: The one you wrote down for me a few weeks back... pretty sure it was an AOL e-mail...
Art Teacher: Oh, well, I don't even know if I can check that e-mail. I've only ever checked that at home.
Me: Well, I think you can check it anywhere that there's Internet.
Girl who is the best groupmate and is just as befuddled as I am (pointing to laptop screen): Just click where it says "address bar" and type AOL dot com. ..... Then put in your username and password and you should be good to go.
Art Teacher: I wouldn't even know what those would be.

Girl/Best Groupmate then proceeded to walk him through making a new AOL e-mail address that, yes, he can check from anywhere there is Internet." Only in America.

DETROIT @ GREEN BAY (-14.5)

"I'm not asking for your crown, Walter. If I wanted it badly enough, I'd just take it." - Junuh

Green Bay thought they could just take the NFC North crown, but Chicago had other thoughts last Monday night. If Green Bay wants it badly enough, they will make this a statement game and thump the Stafford-less Lions.

My Pick: GB (-14.5)

Lay: "This one’s always a touchy matchup, due to the Packer fan base still harboring hatred towards the division rival Detroit Lions signing away Green Bay quarterbacking legend Don 'The Majik Man' Majkowski. You can bet The Majik Man was doing his best to get on as many talk shows this week to promote whatever it is he does these days." A simple search of Don Majkowski reveals he is the Executive Director of PrepSports.Net. On the front page of his personal website it says, "Attention shoppers: we are now completely out of Majik jerseys and will unlikely be able to get any more. Thank you for your understanding!" Somewhere Lay is fuming.

Hunt: "Green Bay hasn't won a 'Game After Jake Young's Birthday' since 2003. [I'm putting that comment on my resume for a job with ESPN's stats department.]" On behalf of the entire league, happy belated birthday Jake. Only the cool people have b-days in October.

Schaf: "Calvin Johnson has been pretty lame on my all-important Court Street Cup fantasy team. I never thought I'd be cheering for Matthew Stafford's health as much as I am now." If Brian Boesch were here he'd respond with a "Yea Detroit!"

CAROLINA @ NEW ORLEANS (-13.5)

"I hear you lost your swing. I guess we got to go find it." - Bagger



The Saints lost last week, but their prescription to getting back on track is playing these Jimmy Clausen-led Panthers at home.

My Pick: NO (-13.5)

Lay: "I’m guessing that by week 8, Steve Smith will be getting Carl Spackler on the phone to see if he can come to Carolina and slice his ACL, much like he offered his services to Ty Webb to perform this same procedure on Judge Smails." A flute without holes is not a flute. A donut without a hole, is a danish.

Hunt: "Jimmy Clausen's debut was like pretty much anything a Browns quarterback has done in awhile -- did he lose it for them?? Maybe, but not definitely. Did he do all he could to win it?? Definitely not. On a side note, Notre Dame alums have asked the school to change the mascot name to the Notre Dame Strolling Mediocrity. At least their name would still suffice the 'College teams with names not ending in 'S' game." We are two years away from Clausen and Quinn battling it out for the last playoff spot in the UFL.

Schaf: "All I can say is I love Garrett Hartley." Of course this is strictly in a "no-Romo" way I'm assuming.

BALTIMORE @ PITTSBURGH (-1.5)

"That's right Hardy. You see every drink of liquor you take kills a thousand brain cells. Now that doesn't much matter 'cos we got billions more. And first the sadness cells die so you smile real big. And then the quiet cells go so you just say everything real loud for no reason at all. That'ok, that's ok because the stupid cells go next, so everything you say is real smart. And finally, come the memory cells. These are tough sons of bitches to kill." - Junuh

Apparently Big Ben underestimated how tough those memory cells were to kill. I doubt he makes the same mistake twice ... oh wait, he already did.

My Pick: BAL (+1.5)

Lay: "I’ve actually visited both of these cities the past two summers. Both were good times in very different ways. Baltimore, for one, had an ocean to enjoy, while Pittsburgh had three disgusting, polluted rivers, swimming with whatever venereal diseases Big Ben has infected them with. Not sure if the biggest risk to living in Pittsburgh is breathing in the smog or the risk of Chlamydia every time you’re near the rivers." There's a reason why Lay was near the top of the major award standings this time last year, and it's quotes like these.

Hunt: "Ballbuster Pick of the Week: Taking the underdog in the 6th game listed, just as Bishop Ready is the underdog in the 6th game of this season (tonight at Sidney Lehman Catholic). I hate to say it's a must win, but it really, truly is for the Silver Knights' playoffs chances." Let's hope Hunt's Ballbuster Pick has more success than his Silver Knights had this week. Unfortunately, they dropped another game, 33-14 to Lehman Catholic.

Schaf: "If Charlie Batch wins two games, I no longer believe in the NFL. Or the Ravens defense. Or Ray Lewis's guilt....wait, scratch that one." Good save Schaf ... only wish the same could be done for that guy he killed though.

SEATTLE (-0.5) @ ST. LOUIS

"You a caddy?" - Junuh
"Uh, that depends. You a golfer?" - Bagger

Will you watch this game? Uh, that depends. You going to make me?

My Pick: SEA (-0.5) - Not Gonna Watch and I have Sunday Ticket Pick of the Week.

Hunt: "Sticking with my theory that Seattle will only play well at home and stink it up on the road. Pete Carroll's cheat of the week?? Putting laxative into Steven Jackson's Haterade." Immediately thought of Dumb and Dumber. "I'll be right out!"

Lay: "The Edward Jones Dome will be rocking this week! Is there even a storyline to make fun of for this game? Honestly, I can’t even come up with anything mildly intriguing to write about this game. I do think the guy who pumped gas for me last week at Sunoco will probably be Sam Bradford’s #2 receiver by the end of the season though." Unless he's busy being the Browns #1 receiver.

Schaf: "Came close to taking the Rams in this one...then I remembered what a fluke is." Speaking of flukes, I just learned of Greg Giraldo's death, and it actually shook me a little bit. "I didn’t think I was older until I went into an Abercrombie & Fitch and they looked at me like I was walking through a playground with my c""k in my hand." The dude was hilarious.

DENVER @ TENNESSEE (-6.5)

"Inside each and every one of us is our one, true authentic swing. Something we was born with. Something that's ours and ours alone. Something that can't be learned... something that's got to be remembered." - Bagger

We could see Kerry Collins go up against Kyle Orton in this one. OR, we could see Brady Quinn (who actually made the team last week!) go up against Vince Young. You probably wouldn't want to remember watching any of those match-ups.

My Pick: TEN (-6.5)

Hunt: "I hope this gets down to be Kyle Orton vs. Kerry Collins. Such a terrible-looking dual between average QBs from Big Ten schools." Somewhere Jeff Schaffer's head just exploded.

INDIANAPOLIS (-7.5) @ JACKSONVILLE

"God is happiest, when his children are at play." - Hardy



Peyton Manning is happiest when he gets to play crappy teams early in the season.

My Pick: IND (-7.5)

Schaf: "The Jags' o-line really needs to get its pump on." Or, they need to take Peyton out into the open sea and let the implication of what might happen set in.

Hunt: "David Garrard is so scared to lose his job at QB and playing against Peyton Manning won't make him look any better." How bad was Byron Leftwich that he was replaced by Garrard. That's a special kind of bad.

HOUSTON (-2.5) @ OAKLAND

"Hey, I admire the way you're dealing with this match, Junuh. Fighting the way you are. It's damn noble. But no matter how good a fighter you are, just remember, I can ask they King to gold the flag for me when I putt, but he's not going to give me his crown, neither is Bobby and neither am I." - Walter Hagan

I admire the way the Houston Texans are dealing with this season. They certainly are fighting, and its certainly damn noble. But it's games like this that they can not lose if they want to be playing in January. As much as I want to take the Raiders here, I simply can't pass on a line that small.

My Pick: HOU (-2.5)

Hunt: "Gus Johnson Pick of the Week: Houston is only favored by 2.5, so the Texans it is. Still trying to get a grasp on the GJPOTW." I know more about genetic engineering than I do about Hunt's Gus Johnson Pick.

Schaf: "Is this really the line in this game? I may love MAC quarterbacks, but even Bruce needs people to throw to. Seriously though, Al Davis drafts well." If Al Davis died tomorrow, would Raider Nation rejoice? Huggy Bear, can I get a ruling?

WASHINGTON @ PHILADELPHIA (-6.5)

"Confused, broken... and unable to face a return to a hero's welcome... Junuh just disappeared... Hoping to forget... and to be forgotten." - Hardy

Donovan McNabb is coming back to Philadelphia this week, and something tells me he won't be receiving a hero's welcome. I'm saying he will leave victorious though.

My Pick: WAS (+6.5)

Hunt: "So many brothas in the City of Brotherly Love this weekend. McNabb's return to Philadelphia. Vick's continuing rise to old form. Charlie Manuel's pursuit of another World Series title." Hunt looking for back-to-back QOTW winners.

Schaf: "Not sure that I buy the whole Donovan will win in his return to Philly, but the Eagles have lost to the only real quarterback they played." I'll go a step further ... Kevin Kolb plays in the 2nd half of this debacle for Philly.

ARIZONA @ SAN DIEGO (-8.5)

"The meaning of it all is that there is no meaning." - Walter Hagan

There is absolutely no meaning to Norv Turner. None. Luckily for me, this game is being played in October, so I can back the favorites.

My Pick: SD (-8.5)

Hunt: "This is probably too many points for a Chargers team coached by Norv Turner that is not being played in December." But it's probably not enough points for a Cardinals team quarterbacked by Derek Anderson that is not being played in the preseason.

Schaf: "Banking on the Chargers playing at home in this one...and on Derek Anderson being Derek Anderson." There are very few certainties in this life, but you can always count on DA completing less than half of his passes, throwing multiple INT's, and looking like he just got off the short bus.

CHICAGO @ NEW YORK GIANTS (-4.5)

"You're daddy is out sweeping streets because he took every last dime he had, and used it to pay up every man and woman he owed and every business who worked for him, instead of declaring bankruptcy like everyone else in town, including your best friend Wilbur Charles' dad, Raymond, which is why he's able to sit around all day long on his dignity! You're daddy stared adversity in the eye, Hardy. And he beat it back with a broom." - Junuh

So I get to take the undefeated Bears and GET 4.5 points against Eli Manning and the 1-2 Giants, who have been pounded in their last two games? Book it.

My Pick: CHI (+4.5)

Hunt: "Might have to DVR this game just for the possibility of montages of both Eli Manning face and Jay Cutler face." DVR has changed my life exponentially. Seriously, it's right up there with soft contact lenses, The Wire, and sporcle.com

NEW ENGLAND (-0.5) @ MIAMI

"Five dollars guaranteed." - Bagger

If gambling were legal, I'd bet way more than five dollars on the Patriots covering this one.

My Pick: NE (-0.5)

Hunt: "I got nothing. Go Browns." Nothing and Browns have been going hand-in-hand since 1999.



That's all she wrote for week four. Enjoy the football, enjoy the Ryder Cup, and go watch The Legend of Bagger Vance.

Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."