Tuesday, September 29, 2009

2009 NFL ATS Pick 'Em: Week Three QOTW

By: Luke Florence

You know how the drill works by now.

Jeff Schaffer makes a couple appearances and for the third straight week we have a new QOTW recipient. Bill Walton might not be decided until the end of December.

TOP TEN WEEK THREE QUOTES
10-tie) “I don't think there's ever been a game with as much potential for quarterback failure as Romo v. Delhomme ... would 19 interceptions be a record? Someone tell Jerry Jones we're in a recession." - Jeff Schaffer.

10-tie) “Kyle Orton, no question. Look at that beard. The guy looks like he just jumped down from his tree stand, wasted, after drinking Old Style's all day and throwing his cans in the air so he could shoot at them." - Chris Woodard.

9) “Game two at big dome. Bill Simmons calls it ‘Death Star.’ Romo is homo.” - Kevin Hunt.

8) “The economy is bad. Tampa Bay should shut down its football-firing ship this season to save money. It won't be needed much, especially in this one.” - Brian Boesch.

7) “‘Snap, Crackle, Pop’ - Jack del Rio's coaching career started with this sound. But he's been in the milk so long now, he's just getting soggy.” - Matt Barnes.

6) “Sounds like there is better hitting going on in the Browns locker room than on the field.” - Jeff Normand.

5) “Josh McDaniels came from the same coaching tree as Eric Mangini and Romeo Crennel. How are the Broncos decent and the Browns remain shitty? Randy Lerner picks coaches as well as Lamar Odom chooses wives.” - Nick Lay.

4) “I feel like Vince Vaughn and Kyle Orton is Will Ferrell in the Anchorman scene where Vaughn (aka Wes Mantooth) says, ‘I hate you Ron Burgundy. But dammit do I respect you.’ Today we spell redemption K-Y-L-E.” - Kevin Hunt.

3) “Is that Eli Manning or did I just see my 12 year old cousin? Just kidding Eli, you were great in Home Alone 3.” - Eric Hug

2) “With Cap Rooney still recovering from a rib injury, the door is open for Steamin' Willie Beamen to make his debut and electrify the home crowd. When did Al Pacino get so fat?” - Jeff Schaffer.

1) “‘Friends Don't Let Friends Drive Drunk’ - Apparently, Donte Stallworth has no friends. I mean, Ray Lewis stabbed a guy but his friends didn't let him drive drunk. That's being responsible.” - Matt Barnes.

Congratulations to Matt Barnes for finally claiming the QOTW honors. Barnes, Lay and Hunt are all have one ticket punched for the Quote Of The Year through three weeks.

Awards are updated on the sidebar as well, so check it out and let us know what you think.

Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."

2009 NFL ATS Pick 'Em: Week Three Standings

By: Luke Florence

Forty-eight games in the books, 208 to go. September is set to pass us by and with its' passing brings, October, Halloween, the fall, and NFL bye weeks. The seasons are changing right before our eyes, and our standings are doing the same.

For the first time all season, Anthony Tynan does not hold any part of 1st place. That honor belongs to Billy Wakefield for going an impressive 12-4 in week three. Billy has won 10, 11 and 12 games respectively each week, and is two games clear of second place.

Sharing the 12-4 weekly honors with Billy was Chris Rapking and Jeff Schaffer. For Rapking, it marks the second consecutive week he has earned the week's highest record. As the Bengals go, he goes. Schaffer not only tied for the league's best mark in week three, but he also turned in comments for the first time. As Gus goes, Schaff goes.

The week's biggest mover was Schaffer, jumping eight spots to 13th overall. On the flip side, week three was the toughest on Ryan Polito, who went 7-9 and fell seven places in the standings. As the Steelers go, Po goes.

Here are our updated standings. Any member who is still in RED has told me the money is on the way but I have yet to receive it.

2009 NFL ATS PICK 'EM: WEEK THREE STANDINGS (week three record in parantheses)
1) Billy Wakefield 33-15 (12-4)
2) Chris Rapking 31-17 (12-4)
3) Erik Smith 30-18 (11-5)
3) Anthony Tynan 30-18 (8-8)
3) Shane Kline 30-18 (10-6)
6) Nick Lay 29-19 (9-7)
6) Andrew Braverman 29-19 (11-5)
6) Jeff Normand 29-19 (11-5)
9) Ryan Polito 28-20 (7-9)
9) Brian Boesch 28-20 (9-7)
9) Luke Polito 28-20 (8-8)
9) Jason Fazzone 28-20 (10-6)
13) Jake Young 27-21 (8-8)
13) Justin Whelan 27-21 (9-7)
13) Jamie Reamer 27-21 (9-7)
13) Jeff Schaffer 27-21 (12-4)
17) Luke Florence 26-22 (10-6)
17) Kevin Hunt 26-22 (10-6)
17) Corey Taylor 26-22 (10-6)
17) Matt Barnes 26-22 (10-6)
17) Chris Woodard 26-22 (10-6)
22) Eric Hug 25-23 (10-6)
23) Josh Florence 21-27 (7-9)
24) Devin Frank 19-29 (8-8)
24) Andrew Reinhart 19-29 (8-8)
26) Bart Borer 18-30 (6-10)

Please double check your record and contact me for any and all disputes. Week Three QOTW will be out soon, and week four spreads are being sent out immediately. Thanks for listening.

Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."

Sunday, September 27, 2009

2009 NFL ATS Pick 'Em: Week Three PICKS

By: Luke Florence

Here are our league's selections for week three of the 2009 NFL season. Best of luck.

WEEK THREE ATS PICKS
Tynan: KC, WAS, GB, MIN, TEN, ATL, JAX, NYG, BAL, CHI, BUF, MIA, DEN, PIT, IND, CAR

Billy: KC, DET, GB, SF, NYJ, ATL, JAX, NYG, BAL, CHI, NO, MIA, DEN, CIN, IND, CAR

R.Po: KC, DET, GB, MIN, TEN, NE, HOU, NYG, BAL, SEA, NO, SD, OAK, PIT, ARI, CAR

Shane: PHI, DET, GB, SF, TEN, ATL, HOU, NYG, BAL, CHI, NO, MIA, DEN, PIT, ARI, DAL

L.Po: PHI, WAS, GB, MIN, NYJ, NE, HOU, NYG, BAL, SEA, NO, MIA, OAK, PIT, ARI, DAL

Lay: KC, WAS, GB, MIN, TEN, NE, HOU, NYG, BAL, CHI, NO, SD, DEN, PIT, IND, CAR

Jake: KC, DET, GB, MIN, TEN, ATL, HOU, NYG, BAL, CHI, NO, MIA, DEN, PIT, IND, CAR

Brian: KC, WAS, GB, SF, TEN, ATL, HOU, NYG, BAL, CHI, NO, SD, DEN, PIT, IND, CAR

Rapking: PHI, WAS, GB, SF, TEN, NE, JAX, NYG, CLE, CHI, NO, MIA, DEN, CIN, IND, DAL

Smitty: KC, DET, GB, SF, NYJ, NE, HOU, NYG, BAL, CHI, NO, MIA, DEN, PIT, IND, CAR

Fiz: PHI, DET, GB, MIN, TEN, NE, HOU, NYG, BAL, SEA, NO, SD, DEN, PIT, ARI, DAL

Justin: KC, DET, GB, MIN, TEN, NE, JAX, TB, CLE, CHI, BUF, SD, DEN, CIN, IND, CAR

Braves: PHI, DET, GB, MIN, NYJ, ATL, JAX, NYG, BAL, CHI, NO, SD, OAK, PIT, IND, CAR

Jeff: PHI, DET, GB, MIN, NYJ, ATL, HOU, NYG, BAL, CHI, BUF, SD, DEN, CIN, ARI, DAL

Reamer: PHI, DET, GB, MIN, NYJ, ATL, HOU, NYG, CLE, CHI, NO, SD, OAK, PIT, IND, CAR

Luke: PHI, WAS, GB, SF, TEN, NE, HOU, NYG, BAL, CHI, NO, MIA, DEN, PIT, IND, CAR

Barnes: PHI, DET, GB, MIN, TEN, NE, HOU, NYG, CLE, CHI, NO, SD, OAK, PIT, IND, DAL

Woody: PHI, DET, GB, MIN, TEN, ATL, JAX, TB, CLE, CHI, NO, SD, DEN, PIT, IND, DAL

Kevin: KC, DET, GB, SF, TEN, ATL, HOU, NYG, CLE, CHI, NO, SD, DEN, CIN, IND, CAR

Taylor: PHI, WAS, GB, SF, TEN, NE, JAX, TB, CLE, CHI, NO, SD, OAK, CIN, IND, CAR

Spider: PHI, DET, GB, SF, NYJ, ATL, HOU, NYG, BAL, CHI, NO, SD, DEN, PIT, IND, CAR

Hug: KC, DET, GB, SF, NYJ, NE, HOU, NYG, CLE, CHI, BUF, MIA, DEN, CIN, ARI, DAL

Josh: PHI, WAS, STL, MIN, TEN, ATL, HOU, NYG, CLE, CHI, NO, MIA, DEN, PIT, IND, DAL

Bart: KC, DET, STL, SF, TEN, ATL, JAX, TB, CLE, SEA, BUF, MIA, DEN, CIN, IND, CAR

Devin: PHI, DET, STL, MIN, NYJ, NE, HOU, TB, BAL, SEA, BUF, SD, OAK, CIN, ARI, DAL

Chewy: PHI, WAS, GB, MIN, NYJ, ATL, HOU, TB, BAL, CHI, NO, MIA, DEN, PIT, ARI, DAL

Until tomorrow, "read it, roll it, hole it."

2009 NFL ATS Pick 'Em: Week Three

By: Luke Florence

Some weeks are easier than others to come up with themes. Week one will always be about new beginnings and week two will always be about gathering more information. But week three can go a couple different ways. For the NFL teams, you need at least one win after three weeks if you have playoff aspirations. But for this league, it has been proved in the past that steady will win the race, and that even those far off the lead after three weeks have more than enough time to make up ground.

Thankfully, you guys made it easy for the KOA this week. Nearly everyone had a theme, so I decided to declare this Theme Week for ATS. In doing so, I used a song that mimics my favorite "theme."

NBA on NBC is my all-time favorite theme song, so it's no surprise that Nelly's, "Heart Of A Champion" is the week three tune.

Here are all of our league member's themes:

1) Nick Lay - Cleveland Browns Suck
2) Matt Barnes - Advertising Slogans
3) Kevin Hunt - Back To What I Know
4) Eric Hug - Cheesy Jokes That May Actually Be Funny
5) Chris Woodard - Which QB Would Win In A Beer-Drinking Contest?
6) Bart Borer - Large And In Charge

Okay the last one is made up, but the first five are legit.

As you will see, this column is significantly shorter than the past two weeks. You can expect more of the same as we go on. After much thought and debate, we have decided to cut comments to make for an easier reading experience.

This may deter some of you from sending in comments, but hopefully it won't. There are some rumblings about doing a Monday Leftovers column, which would have the rest of the comments that did not make Sunday's cut-off. Stay tuned.

Go tell a friend to tell a friend. The Week Three ATS Column is here.

KANSAS CITY @ PHILADELPHIA (-9.5)

Barnes: “‘So easy, a caveman can do it’ - All Andy Reid has to do to win this game is put 11 players on the field. Hell, he could probably just put ten out there and beat the Chiefs.” Week after week, Matt Barnes amazes me with his ability to put together a theme and effectively deliver. Three weeks in, he is approaching the 2007 New England Patriots zone.

Spider: “With Cap Rooney still recovering from a rib injury, the door is open for Steamin' Willie Beamen to make his debut and electrify the home crowd. When did Al Pacino get so fat?” Ladies and Gentlemen, I give to you … Jeff Schaffer. Enjoy.

Shane: “The Eagles have four quarterbacks and two running backs that would start for the Chiefs ... watch them lose and make me look like an idiot.” The beauty of the NFL.

Hunt: “What do I know? I know I made the rule that I'd take the Chefs whenever they can cook who they're playing. Took them last week, but they were playing the Raiders. You can't cook a Raider!” Hannibal Lecter would argue that point Hunt.

Brian: “Michael Vick's comments this week were pathetic. He expected to come out of jail and start? His comments should be the motivation behind an invisible fence that shocks people when they say something stupid. Wait, would that help or hurt his new public stance against dog fighting? I don't know, just like I don't know a legitimate excuse for picking Kansas City three straight weeks.” Only person I remember coming out of jail and starting was Jamal Lewis. Unfortunately for the 2009 Browns, they would like to have the jailed-Jamal Lewis right now, because the current version is slower than molasses.

WASHINGTON (-6.5) @ DETROIT

Barnes: “‘Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman’ - The NFL is a game made for men but these two teams are the exception. They're like the RuPauls of the NFL.” Not going to lie, the first time I heard that commercial I was quite confused if I was allowed to use that deodorant. Not going to lie, I still am.

Woody: “I'm picturing the lean Jason Campbell as more of a Hennessy and Coke guy. Fresh out of college in South I'm guessing Stafford can still beer bong with the best of them.”
Yes, this is how he picked his games for the entire week. Believe it.

Smitty: “I think I’ve decided to do the exact opposite of common reason and take the Lions until they win. I don’t know why. It makes no sense to me, and I hate that the Lions are a popular pick this week. But it’s gotta happen sometime, why not now?” No it doesn’t have to happen, and personally, I would love if the Lions went 0-16 again. Who said that couldn’t happen?

Hug: “A man places two Lions’ tickets on his windshield for the game, free for anyone to take. When he comes back to his car, four more Lions’ tickets have emerged.” This joke could also apply to the Browns, Chiefs, and the entire NFC West.

Brian: “I never thought I'd say this, but I think too many people are liking Detroit in this game. Just pick against the Lions until they win. You'll be happy you did.” I’m with Boesch. All the Redskins need is to win by a touchdown. Just one.

GREEN BAY (-6.5) @ ST. LOUIS

Barnes: “‘The Quicker Picker Upper’ - No better team to play after a bad loss than the Rams. Or the Browns. Or the Calvert Senecas.” Barnes has too many QOTW honors that it should just be inferred at this point.

Lay: “St. Louis and the Browns have given new meaning to the word ‘putridity.’ Not sure if that word exists or not. If it doesn't, it does now, and solely for the purpose of the Rams and Browns. It's no coincidence that the Rams were founded in Cleveland.” Nick Lay admitted to be stressed for time this week in making comments, but this one shows he works well under pressure.

Spider: “My confidence in the Packers is pretty shaken after last week, but they're playing the Rams. Even Az-Zahir Hakim's blinding speed couldn't save this team.” We all know how bad the Lions are, but did you know that Hakim scored the very first TD in Ford Field? There is a fact I will never forget.

Woody: “No contest. Aaron Rodgers is in Wisconsin now. They won't even give you a driver's license here if you can't shotgun a six-pack. And does anyone else think Marc Bulger looks like he's never taken a sip?” Bulger is classically under-rated in Woody’s analogy. Here’s why. First, he was born in Pittsburgh. Nothing to do but drink. Second, he went to West Virginia. Nothing to do but drink. Three, he is 6 ft. 3 in. and weighs 210. I’d actually take Bulger in this proverbial match-up.

Hug: “Aaron Rodgers has a ‘stache’ of TDs stored up for this game.” Did you just steal material from Jimmy Fallon?

SAN FRANCISCO @ MINNESOTA (-6.5)

Smitty: “Somehow Brandin Bursa ended up at my house in Cincinnati this weekend so I decided he had to get in on the picks. With the first Brandin Bursa Shockrocker Pick Of The Week, he likes the Niners because AP never runs well against them. I have to agree. Adrian Peterson is finally getting banged up. I’ve been calling this since he entered the league, so I’m excited. SF’s D is better than people realize, and Brett Favre is still dead. Bursa declares it and I agree.”
Sadly, this is the first pick Brandin Bursa has ever made. Sad because he signed up for the league last year. This better become a weekly pick.

Barnes: “‘Nothing Runs Like A Deere’ - Gore and Peterson will carry the ball 90% of the game. The other 10% won't be important, kind of like the end of the 2009 Indians season.”
Sayonara Eric Wedge. And good riddance.

Shane: “How come noooobody ever brings up Peterson's fumble problems? The dude fumbles every game and always during key drives? How can the ‘best’ running back in football cough it up that much? Remember when LT was the man, dude never dropped the rock.” I brought this comparison up last week. If I had the choice between LT-prime and AP-prime, I’m taking LT. Hands down.

Woody: “Hate to go with Brett but if there's one thing we all know about the guy ... he can handle his beer. I don't care how long he's been sober ... drinking is like riding a bike ... once you start stealing pills from your teammates and washing them down with beers and the likes of Frankie ‘bag o' donuts’ Winters and Mark ‘the molester’ Chmura you never forget how.”
How about those nick-names? Whoa.

Hunt: “I don't think T-Pain ever had originality with ‘I'm on a Boat.’ He heard about it after the Vikings party boat incident. You know, when Brett Favre was 35.” Kevin looking for back-to-back QOTW honors.

Hug: “The Vikings lead at halftime, then Brett Favre craps his pants in the third quarter, and Mike Singletary eats it to prove a point to the rest of his team. This random act of courage prompts San Francisco to victory.” Three weeks in and we already have had six Singletary’s butt jokes. God I love the NFL. And this league.

Brian: “For the sake of every fan, please, Roger Goodell, force Mike Singletary and Brett Favre into the same room for about an hour before the game. Singletary could make Favre humble. And if he can't, then there is no hope. Vernon Davis looks like Cartman from South Park after the Dog Whisperer puts him in line. Singletary could do it, too.” One of my favorite South Park episodes ever is when the Dog Whisperer makes an appearance. Classic.

TENNESSEE @ NEW YORK JETS (-2.5)

Barnes: “‘Only you can prevent forest fires’ - The Titans need to win this game to save their season. For once, their defense may show up.” Absolutely must-win for Tennessee. History says so.

Spider: “Chris Johnson scored 46 fantasy points against me last week and the Titans still lost. Stupid.” If you had C. Johnson, Gore or A. Johnson you weren’t losing in fantasy last week.

Woody: “I like Mark Sanchez and all but there is something about a pretty boy like him that stands no chance against a steel belt, weathered old man like Kerry Collins. Again, I don't mean to condone something like alcoholism or drunk driving, but in this case they are factors I must weigh ... riding a bike. Strictly going by the theme here. And just for a quick look at history ... I'll guarantee Warren Moon's time in Canada taught him to slam a mean Labatt.” Let's see if Woody can continue with the Warren Moon references for 14 more weeks. I'm intrigued to say the least.

Brian: “Here's a quote from Step Brothers that describes the relationship between Mark Sanchez and ESPN (slightly altered): That's the most amazing thing I've ever [seen]. Um, I want you to know that tonight I'm gonna pleasure myself to the image of [Mark Sanchez beating the Patriots].” Step Brothers is mildly under-rated. I’ve watched it three times, and every time I watch it I laugh a little bit more. “It’s SHARK WEEK!”

Jeff: “Frank Sinatra might be singing the Super Bowl song soon, "New York, New York"! (Giants vs. Jets)”
While that would be an intriguing match-up, I just can’t help but think of the Subway Series. And that was awful.

ATLANTA @ NEW ENGLAND (-4.5)

Barnes: “‘You're In Good Hands’ - Both teams have QBs that make minimal mistakes. Hmm, when's the last time the Browns had one of those?” His name was Vinny Testaverde and we hardly knew ye.

Spider: “Tough one to pick ... still less-than-thrilled with the Falcons' secondary, but fairly confident in Matt Ryan being a better quarterback with more weapons than Mark Sanchez.” Why isn’t more being made of Tom Brady looking sub-par since his major knee injury. We are just one more Brady-bad game away from Tiger Woods calling him lazy (ala Ernie Els).

Shane: “What the hell happened to the F-You mentality Belicheck used to have? The hoodied genius has gone soft, either that or Brady really isn't back to his old form.”
I’m going with the latter. You should to.

Hunt: “Score will be 75-62. Tony Gonzalez and Ben Watson will dominate. Troy Aikman will make 1,700 Moose Johnston references. Joe Buck will wonder when the World Series begins.” I’ll take Things That Only Happen In Kevin Hunt’s mind for $500 Alex.

Smitty: “Another tough game to decide. I think this has all the makings of a Patriot statement game. Brady has had another game to get things together and everyone is claiming the Patriots are dead. I think those tales are greatly exaggerated.” You and me both.

Hug: “Tom Brady throws a pass, runs down the field to catch his own ball, then a defensive pass interference call gets called on Atlanta. You can find this rule in Section: 1A.2B.cc..4a5-49—442.f-you.-patriots.” I actually like the Brady and the Pats, but this is so true.

JACKSONVILLE @ HOUSTON (-4.5)

Barnes: “‘Snap, Crackle, Pop’ - Jack del Rio's coaching career started with this sound. But he's been in the milk so long now, he's just getting soggy.”
Barnes has been close to the QOTW honors twice, but now it may appear he’s ready to take it home.

Spider: “Not sure what to make of either of these teams, but the Texans' offense actually showed up last week. Plus I can't get over how horrible the Jacksonville receiving corps is.” Somewhere Anthony Tynan is glowing.

Shane: “Shane's Slick Pick of the Week: I currently have a man-crush on Matt Schaub after last week's performance. I always liked the Texans logo when they came into the league, and now I finally like their team.” If anyone saw Shane’s web-TV performance from earlier this week, they would agree with me that Shane looked pretty slick. I’d like to think he was thinking of us the entire time.

Woody: “David Garrard strictly on size. It has to take at least an 18er to get that guy drunk.” First - and maybe only - time this season that David Garrard can call himself a winner.

Hunt: “I have no clue how the Colts were held down in week one versus the Jags. Arizona had their way last week. Andre Johnson showed why he is dominant. And I'm still not over the idea that Houston's team is called the Texans. That'd be like the Green Bay Wisconsinites. Or the Seattle Washingtonians. Or the Toronto Ontarioinites. (Canadian football in the NFL is coming)”
Yes, these are my friends.

NEW YORK GIANTS (-6.5) @ TAMPA BAY

Barnes: “‘Have It Your Way’ - Eli will have his way with the awful Tampa defense. Kind of like Jessica does with Luke.”
And I couldn’t be happier.

Hug: “Is that Eli Manning or did I just see my 12 year old cousin? Just kidding Eli, you were great in Home Alone 3.” Eric Hug making a strong push for QOTW honors.

Spider: “My misguided faith in the Bucs being decent stops here. Why would this team ever do well?” I don’t know much, but I know Tampa is bad.

Woody: “Eli Manning may be the last quarterback in the League I'd want on my team in a case race. Byron Leftwich on the other hand may just handle 20 cheap High Life Lights on his own.” Taking a page out of Nick Lay’s book. Byron Leftwich:quarterbacks what High Life Light:beer.

Jeff: “Sing it Frank!”
Can’t go wrong with multiple Sinatra references in one week. Jeff has a good omen going right now.

Brian: “The economy is bad. Tampa Bay should shut down its football-firing ship this season to save money. It won't be needed much, especially in this one.” Brian missed out on the top-ten QOTW in week two, but it appears he’s looking to appear multiple times one week later.

CLEVELAND @ BALTIMORE (-13.5)

Barnes: “‘Friends Don't Let Friends Drive Drunk’ - Apparently, Donte Stallworth has no friends. I mean, Ray Lewis stabbed a guy but his friends didn't let him drive drunk. That's being responsible.” Three times Barnes has referenced Ray Lewis killing a guy. Which is only two more than the number of people Ray-Ray has stabbed.

Lay: “If this spread was 33.5, I'd think about taking the Browns. Unfortunately, they suck.” Can’t argue with that reasoning.

Spider: “Yikes, just yikes.” Enough said.

Smitty: “OW…OWW. Browns. Awful. Head. Hurting. So Bad. Ravens, Still. Good. Art Modell, evil bastard. Must die. Ravens will still cover. OWWW.”
Yep.

Shane: “Holy bloodbath! Cover your eyes! Remember when the Browns had Ken Dorsey and every defense looked like the 2001 Ravens? I have a funny feeling Brady Quinn isn't going to fare that much better.” Agreed.

Woody: “Wow, this one is tough. I'm going to go ahead and go with Brady Quinn for three reasons. 1) muscle mass 2) a story I heard about him getting smashed, crashing his car into a tree on campus at Notre Dame and the cops covering it up and 3) is there anything else to do during his free time in Cleveland besides drink beer?” Nope.

Hunt: “I know the whole idea of ATS is to pick up on trends. I'm not sure I ever will, but I'm hoping this is one of them. I'm honing my inner Gus Johnson and saying that he'll call a close game (within ten points) every week. I hope this is his year for great calls in NFL games. We shall see.” Not this week.

Hug: “No punch line necessary.” None.

Brian: “The Indians season ended in about 5 days. The Browns season was done in 8. And the Cavs' season lasted about 2 weeks (because the regular season and the first two rounds were tune-ups...nothing more). Thanks Cleveland.” Sounds about right.

Jeff: “Sounds like there is better hitting going on in the Browns locker room than on the field.” QOTW nominee.

CHICAGO (-2.5) @ SEATTLE

Brian: DINGDINGDINGDINGDING. Ladies and gentleman, it's time for the F'd Up Pick of the Week. By the way, after two weeks, the F'd Up pick is 1-1. Today brings another toss-up game for me. But I would lean toward Chicago. But let's see how it will go down the F'd Up way (road team goes first).

Roll #1: Early lead for Cutler and company. 7-5 CHI.
Roll #2: All knotted up at 12 after two, as the Seahawks respond.
Roll #3: A huge effort by the Bears on roll three. A 10-spot for the Bears, just 5 for the Seahawks. 22-17 CHI.
Roll #4: A pair of 7s for both sides. Bears still up 5. 29-24 CHI.
Roll #5: Chicago with their biggest lead of the game. 9-5 in the round, 38-29 CHI at the half.
Roll #6: The lead is in double-digits now after an 8-7 round. 46-36 CHI.
Roll #7: The Bears D came to play today. Another roll win for the Bears, this time 9-6. 55-42 CHI. By the way, we here at the F'd Up Sports Information Office would like to let you know that we haven't had an and-one in an incredible 20 rolls! I wish I could publish Game Notes before every F'd Up matchup. This is one thing I would do if days were 48 hours long.
Roll #8: This is getting ugly. Jay Cutler is the heel, and he has the steel chair and is pounding away at the Seahawks. Another ugly performance for a Seattle sports team. 9-5 in the round, 64-47 CHI.
Roll #9: I tried the John Adams drum rally, but it didn't work on this roll. Another round win for Chicago, 9-6. Up 73-53 with one round to go.
Roll #10: A 7 for CHI, followed by double 2's for SEA. All the Seahawks need is 12 consecutive 2s. The and-one...a 3. 80-60 is your final. Chicago is my pick.”
Words can’t describe how much I love this idea. It wouldn’t do it justice.

Barnes: “‘Double Your Pleasure, Double Your Fun’ - Winner of this game doubles their win total. As far as pleasure and fun, they can just give a call to the Kardashians sisters.” It is polite tennis etiquette that when someone hits a shot that you can’t return to say, “Too Good.” Well as far as this quote is concerned. Too Good.

Spider: “The Bears leading kick returner and tackler is Danieal Manning. I'm not Shane (die hard Kansas Jayhawks fan), but that still seems like a good sign to me ... that and the possibility of playing against Seneca Wallace.”
On August 31, 2002, Iowa State (led by Wallace) disposed of Kansas 45-3. Believe it.

Shane: “I kind of like rooting for Jay Cutler, especially after seeing the video where the referee knocked his helmet off his head.” I’ve liked Cutler for the last two seasons, and I have to say, it’s fun backing the guy.

Woody: “If ever there was a guy that seemed like ‘that cocky drunk ass hole’ it would be Jay Cutler. My apologies to Seneca Wallace. My girlfriend would argue all from Iowa State can slam their beer and I've witnessed a hell of a tailgate there ... but if there is one thing in the world I have confidence in Jay Cutler doing it's slamming a Heineken and being an ass hole.” For me, Cutler would be the guy the majority of your friends think is an ass-hole, but by the 3rd time drinking with him, you're convinced he's the coolest guy in the entire room.

Hunt: “Bear would win in Bear vs. Seahawk. I'm convinced.” Do Seahawks swim or fly? I’m confused.

NEW ORLEANS (-5.5) @ BUFFALO

Lay: “FACT: Drew Brees has thrown for more TDs this season than the Browns have thrown since 1973.”
Lay attempting to grab QOTW honors for the second out of three weeks.

Barnes: “‘Finger Lickin' Good’ - Drew Brees has been finger lickin' good, like Buffalo Wings. Fun fact: did you know Buffalo Wings did not originate in Buffalo or are real buffalo? The more you know.” I’d bet my life that either Bart Borer or Alex Lucius knew that.

Shane: “You think I could play in the slot for the Saints - very Wes Welker Texas Tech-like and rack up I dunno, 5 catches in the 45-60 yards per game range?” If Mason Unck can play multiple seasons in the NFL, then yes Shane you could as well.

Woody: “In Buffalo you have the long cold winter, nothing else to do but get wasted factor ... In New Orleans you have the constant raging party factor. I'm going to go with the party and the fact that the way Drew Brees is rolling on the football field right now I would take him in any contest of any sort. He's hot.” Two words: Bourbon Street.

Smitty: “If I learned one thing this year, it’s take the Saints to cover. Drew Brees can sling it all over the place to anyone and it doesn’t appear that they will slow down, and even if they do a few times, I’ll take my odds on them to cover.” Got to love seeing the new members come in and pick up on trends after two weeks. In a weird way, reading this makes me feel like a proud father. But only for gambling purposes.

Jeff: “Brees only throws 2 Tds, a "terrible day" for the QB and Buffalo pulls off the upset.” Anthony Tynan would say, “and you heard it here first.”

MIAMI @ SAN DIEGO (-6.5)

Barnes: “‘Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids’ - Someone tell Miami that the wildcat isn't gonna win games. They may want to actually develop an offense too. Just a thought.” Over-rated cereal of the decade - Trix. I don't understand it at all.

Spider: “I still don't see much evidence that Chad Pennington is a great NFL starter. Maybe if Miami still had a target like O.J. McDuffie for him to throw to.” Super Duper Mark Duper would like a word with you Schaf.

Hunt: “Ballbuster Pick of the Week: favorite in the 12th game. It's 12:20 a.m. and this weekend is all about the favorites.” I’m expecting to hear Bob Seger all weekend long then.

Hug: “This is like Sea World vacation for the Dolphins.” Do Dolphins eat Chargers?

Brian: “There are blackouts in the NFL now, and it's understandable for some cities. But San Diego? Come on. The Chargers are a good team. Show up, Chargers fans.” Well it is named after a Whale’s Vagina.

Jeff: “Miami has the ball for 56 minutes … and loses!” That was pretty spectacular last week.

DENVER @ OAKLAND (-1.5)

Lay: “Josh McDaniels came from the same coaching tree as Eric Mangini and Romeo Crennel. How are the Broncos decent and the Browns remain shitty? Randy Lerner picks coaches as well as Lamar Odom chooses wives.” Randy Lerner picks coaches as well as Ray Charles picks color schemes for his house.

Barnes: “‘Think Outside The Bun’ - Seriously, the Broncos at 3-0 or Oakland at 2-1? You've got to do more than think outside the bun to believe either of those scenarios.” Romeo Crennel is so hungry after reading that.

Spider: “The Broncos opening three-week schedule is the biggest joke I've ever seen, with the possible exception of the Raiders being favored in a game.” Las Vegas is getting pounded on this one, as the line has moved three entire points, making Denver the favorites now.

Woody: “Kyle Orton, no question. Look at that beard. The guy looks like he just jumped down from his tree stand, wasted, after drinking Old Style's all day and throwing his cans in the air so he could shoot at them.”
QOTW for incorporating Kyle Orton, his nasty beard, and Old Style all in one comment.

Hunt: “I feel like Vince Vaughn and Kyle Orton is Will Ferrell in the Anchorman scene where Vaughn (aka Wes Mantooth) says, ‘I hate you Ron Burgundy. But dammit do I respect you.’ Today we spell redemption K-Y-L-E.” All of a sudden, Kyle Orton could be on the QOTW board, not once, but twice. Go figure.

Brian: “Denver could be 3-0? And Tennessee could be 0-3? Gotta love the NFL.”
Agreed.

PITTSBURGH (-3.5) @ CINCINNATI

Lay: “The only solace I've taken in the Browns being terrible is the fact that Cincy has been right there with them the entire way. At least the Browns show some effort and have had a handful of coaches the past decade instead of sticking with one inept jackass like Cincy.” I actually got to interview that jackass (Marvin Lewis) a couple years ago for Gridiron Glory. And up close … he’s kind of a jackass.

Barnes: “‘It takes a licking, but keeps on ticking’ - Carson Palmer should take a licking. The question is, will he keep on ticking or crawl into the fetal position?” Let’s hope it’s the latter. It would be a nice boost for next week’s game versus the Browns.

Woody: “I'm not a big fan of the Steelers but if there is any quarterback in the league that looks like he could walk into a basement keg party, grab a pitcher and drink everyone under the table it's Big Ben.” He’s number one on my board for this contest.

Hug: “Ochocinco goes Ocho Loco. The towels get stomped, but washed later in a Pepsi commercial.”
Image is everything Huggy Bear.

Brian: “Mike Tomlin is so cool. He's even cooler because I like him so much despite being a Browns fan. It's irritating how cool he is.” Is it wrong that I do the same thing? I want to be Mike Tomlin when I get older.

INDIANAPOLIS @ ARIZONA (-2.5)

Barnes: “‘Good to the last drop’ - Just like Maxwell House coffee, Peyton Manning is good to the end. Arizona better not sleep on any lead they may get cause Peyton will pick them apart and take it back.” How can you NOT take Indy after last week? They barely had the ball and still won. They look like the 2nd best team in the AFC (behind Baltimore).

Lay: “THE CARDINALS MADE IT TO THE SUPER BOWL! THE CARDINALS! God the Browns suck. How do they make a Super Bowl before the Browns? Comparable to Meadow Soprano dating Turtle in real life.” Or Kenny Powers pitching in real life?

Spider: “I've got a bad feeling about both these teams after weeks one and two, kind of the the feeling you get when a team with Leon Williams, Jerome Tillman, Jeremy Fears and Mychal Green is being coached by Tim O'Shea.” How bad of a coach do you have to be to not win multiple MAC titles with that squad. Goodness.

Woody: “Going with the lesser of two evils here. Kurt Warner? No chance. I'm guessing the only alcohol he gets is at communion. I'm hoping Peyton Manning got some kind of quarters or boat race experience under his belt at Tennessee.”
QOTW nominee, mainly for the Kurt Warner-communion line.

Smitty: “I don’t know if I’m just dumb, (very possible) but it baffles me that Arizona is the favorite in this game … Cut to Kurt Warner under center, a Narrator comes in: ‘You can go anywhere on your hover-round!’ HUT! Whirrrr….CRUNCH. ‘Oh, Oh my. This doesn’t look good for old man Warner, He’s gonna need a new hover-round and another prosthetic hip.’ Warner’s Agent: ‘Get Liberty Medical on the line! Brimley’s gotta die sometime.’” Yes, these are my friends.

Brian: “Imagine being Jim Sorgi. Your career highlight was when Peyton Manning was banged up in the 2007 AFC Championship Game and he said "Be Ready." But your readiness was never rewarded. However, you have a Super Bowl ring, and you "play" in the NFL. It's like he has the trophy wife, but he never actually gets to (well, you know...I don't want to ruin the reputation of the King of Argument's wonderful blog). Too bad for him.” Potential QOTW for the incredulous lead-in of, “Imagine being Jim Sorgi.” Even Jim Sorgi doesn’t want to be Jim Sorgi.

CAROLINA @ DALLAS (-9.5)

Barnes: “‘When you're here, you're family’ - That's right. When you're in that stadium, you're part of 100,000 people who come in excited but leave disappointed. Kind of like anyone who attends Miami (OH).” I really hope Nick Lay reads this. Not only did Barnes overtake him in the race for Gus Johnson, but he adds insult to injury by mocking his alma mater. Could we see the beginning of an ATS member feud? God I hope so.

Spider: “I don't think there's ever been a game with as much potential for quarterback failure as Romo v. Delhomme ... would 19 interceptions be a record? Someone tell Jerry Jones we're in a recession.” Schaffer finishes with a QOTW nominee. Solid week for Spider.

Shane: “Panther fans may punt Jake Delhomme off the giant scoreboard if he sucks yet again.” Taking a page out of Schaffer’s book, Shane finishes up week three with a QOTW possibility.

Woody: “In High School Romo stole a bottle of booze from my friend's stash because he passed out at his own party. A dick move no doubt, and part of the reason I think he's a douche, but at least it shows a desire to drink. And Jake Delhomme would probably drop every can he tried to drink or miss his mouth and pour it down his shirt.” Thank you Woody for more Romo material. Please keep these coming.

Hunt: “Game two at big dome. Bill Simmons calls it ‘Death Star.’ Romo is homo.” Second haiku of the season for Hunt. They have both ended the same, but I don’t think anyone in this league will be complaining.

Brian: “I was drinking last night, and someone brought up the grandma from Wedding Crashers and the "situation" scene. Everyone kept saying "You're a homo", trying to impersonate the grandma. That made me think about Tony Romo. Can't pick him after that. I need a week hiatus from the Cowboys.” I couldn’t think of a better way to end this week’s comments than with back-to-back Romo-Homo references. It’s what defines this league.

For the special sections (Po's Knowledge Dropping, In The Zone, and Weird Al Turns 50), please go HERE. A feud may be brewing between these sections. You don't want to miss it.

Thanks to everyone for a quality week. Hope this is not getting tedious for you yet. Please let me know what you thought of the cut-back column. All suggestions are welcome and encouraged.

Enjoy week three.

Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."

Saturday, September 26, 2009

2009 NFL ATS Pick 'Em: Week Three - Special Sections

By: Luke Florence

Due to me editing the comments from this point forward, I thought I would give the special sections their own separate posts from here on out. At the end of the weekly column, I will link here so all can enjoy.
Po's Knowledge Dropping - Vol. II - Num. II
Week 2 in review
By: Ryan Polito

"Where we don’t need a dumb slogan to attract readers"

MOST DOMINANT - Flash Forward
New show that debuted last Thursday on ABC. A show that is being called the next LOST intrigued me very much in episode one. I had been looking forward to this show ever since they showed us preview clips last spring during LOST commercials. In true LOST fashion, the new show had plenty of flashes and left hundreds of questions unanswered. I love the potential that this show has already.

Other receiving votes for MOST dominant:

- Jimmy Kimmel show for joke about Lamar Odom's marriage
- King of Arguments for their breakthrough in broadcasting LIVE web-casts of their F'd Up Tourney

LEAST DOMINANT- Jason Fazzone
The writer of that "other special section" in this blog. Now I understand Mr. In the Zone may be way better than me when it comes to grammar and writing style, but as far as journalism ethics go he has nothing on me. Last week I decided to browse through "In the Zone" to see what the competition was writing about, and I was shocked and furious at what I saw: Po's Knowledge Dropping had been ripped off. In the Zone uses the 'good, bad, and ugly,' which is the exact same thing as MOST and LEAST dominant expect that its named something different. We here at Knowledge Dropping Headquarters would like to call out Mr. In the Zone for poor ethics. We look forward to hearing a response in the near future. Thank you.

See you all next week, Go Steelers.
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IN THE ZONE - Vol. I - Num. IV
... WHERE JEFF REED KICKED AT NORTH CAROLINA, NOT FLORIDA STATE
By: Jason Fazzone

I’m pretty damn sure Kris Brown kidnapped Jeff Reed, threw him into some boiler room at Soldier Field and then missed two crucial field goals in the fourth quarter of Sunday’s game because there is no way in hell Reed misses those kicks if he tries them both again.

For years, Reed kicked on the worst football-playing surface known to man on Heinz Field (which has been greatly improved over the past couple years). He made a kick in a virtual mud-pit two years ago on Monday Night Football against Miami. Despite that, he has earned the status of one of the more reliable kickers in the league.

So what the hell happened?

I have no idea.

The snaps were good, the ball placement was there (I couldn’t even yell “Laces out!” at the TV), but Reed just hooked both badly.

From a neutral standpoint, it was just a bad game for Reed. However, his kicking hasn’t been up to his standard this season. He knuckleballed the game-tying field goal against Tennessee through the uprights before crushing the game-winner in overtime. For those keeping track, of Reed’s four attempts this season, he’s looked good on one. During a preseason game in Washington, he missed on a 53-yarder wide. After being given another shot after the Redskins were called offside, he missed the 48-yarder wide.

Reed seems to be on a reverse contract year – his deal expires after the season. While you may expect kickers in their contract years to be booting 60-yarders with their eyes closed, Reed has not looked great.

While it may just be two games into the season, the Jeff Reed situation will be something to watch.

Let’s move to something a little more light-hearted: it’s Bengals Week. For the second straight week, the Steelers will be visiting a team coming off a trip to Lambeau Field. The Bengals stunned the Packers, 31-24, last week and will be riding high coming into this one, especially playing at home.

I wonder if we’ll be seeing the reincarnation of the high-flying Bengals teams of the mid-2000s or the Bungles squad that has shown up in every other season. This is a team that should be 2-0, if not for the miraculous pass from Kyle Orton to Brandon Stokley. Does that scare me?

Kind of.

Cincinnati scored 31 points against the Packers’ defense, which is very similar to Pittsburgh’s. What you can’t overlook, however, is that the Steelers have turned Paul Brown Stadium into Heinz Field West. They have not just beaten the Bengals in Cincinnati; they have crushed them. The Steelers ended the Bengals’ season in Cincinnati two years in a row – in 2006, Pittsburgh won in an AFC Wild Card match-up, and in 2007, the Steelers needed overtime to dash Cincinnati’s playoff hopes.

So what we’ll be seeing this week is as critical of a September game as you can get. The winner of this game is in good position to battle the Ravens for top-dog status in the AFC North, while the loser, while not completely out of the chase, is holding off the Browns in the division cellar.

Both teams are going to give it their best shot – this is a divisional rivalry, after all. It’ll be a tight game, which both teams are accustomed to already this season. But I have to go with the better team here, and that’s Pittsburgh. It won’t be easy, that’s for sure.

Until next week, go Steelers, and welcome back, Michael Vick.
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WEIRD AL TURNS 50
By: Jason Fazzone

I was kicking around the idea of doing a theme for this week’s picks and listening to music, when while scrolling through my playlist, I came across a couple of songs by music legend “Weird Al” Yankovic.

If you don’t know who Weird Al is, he is known for writing parodies of popular songs. The late Kurt Cobain, who had a song parodied by Weird Al, once called Weird Al a musical “genius.” Other artists parodied by Weird Al include Michael Jackson, Madonna, Queen and MC Hammer.

For this week’s picks, and because Weird Al will be turning 50 this year, I’ve used a Weird Al song title to describe each NFL team. So, download some “Amish Paradise” (which did not make the list, by the way) and enjoy:

Kansas City: “Money for Nothing/Beverly Hillbillies” – Yes, it’s still early in the season, but no one fits this song title more than Chiefs quarterback Matt Cassel. He was the Jed Clampett of the NFL last season – he gets his shot after Tom Brady goes down with a season-ending injury and parlays it into a six-year, $63 million contract. To date, Cassel has played one game with the Chiefs (he missed the season opener), in which he threw two picks and lost to … Jamarcus Russell. It’s still early, but so far with Cassel, the Chiefs have given money for nothing.

Philadelphia: “The Saga Begins” – The Michael Vick era in Philadelphia starts Sunday, and what a road back to the NFL it’s been for Vick. We’ll see how long this story lasts.

Washington: “Cavity Search” – This song was written about a patient’s dreadful trip to the dentist. It could have been worse for him – he could have been forced to watch that 9-7 yawner of a Redskins victory.

Detroit: “Close But No Cigar” – The streak is nearing 20, and Lions fans have to be heartbroken after dropping another close (for the first three quarters, anyway) game to the Vikings. I don’t know if Detroit pulls this one out straight-up, but I do think they cover.

Green Bay: “One More Minute” – The Packers were hoping for one more minute last week against Cincinnati. Had there been one more minute the week before against the Bears, Green Bay may have lost. What I do know is that I won’t be spending one second, let alone one minute, watching this game.

St. Louis: “Callin’ In Sick” – Hard to tell who this is referring to: Rams offensive coordinator Pat Shurmur, whose offense has scored seven points in eight quarters, or the poor schmoes who had a hard time justifying paying money to watch that 9-7 game last week. Unfortunately for both parties, I don’t see much changing this week.

San Francisco: “Since You’ve Been Gone” – The 49ers were last relevant in 2002, but Mike Singletary is beginning to bring them back into the NFL limelight. In the time between, the Arizona Cardinals, Tampa Bay Rays and Colorado Rockies all reached their respective league championship games/series. Some things don’t change, though: the Cleveland Browns still suck at football, and Ryan Polito still sucks at life.

Minnesota: “Waffle King” – If you really need an explanation for this, you shouldn’t be A) reading this and/or B) in this league.

Tennessee: “Good Old Days” – The 2008 season must seem like so long ago. Not only have they taken back-to-back tough losses to Pittsburgh and Houston, but the Texans also shredded what is regarded as one of the league’s best defenses last week. However, I think the good old days come back this week, as the Titans catch a drained Jets team coming off a huge win against New England. (Side note: Will Justin Gage put a piece of tape between the 1 and the 2 on his jersey a la Jevon Kearse if the Titans pull it off? Something to watch for here…)

N.Y. Jets: “I’ll Be Mellow When I’m Dead” – Rex Ryan has been anything but mellow since taking over as Jets coach this past offseason. Calling out Bill Belichick and backing it up with a victory last week was pretty cool to see. I don’t see the Jets recovering from that win quickly enough to beat a Titans team that has its season on the line this week.

Atlanta: “Good Enough for Now” – The Falcons are off to a 2-0 start, tying them with the Saints atop the NFC South. While it’s good enough for now, can they survive a six-week stretch in which they see the Patriots, 49ers, Bears, Cowboys and Saints? We’ll see how they start that stretch this week.

New England: “The Brady Bunch” – Fairly obvious song pick here. The doubts are creeping in for Foxboro’s Brady Bunch. The TV series lasted five seasons; is this group coming closer to turning into a bunch of spin-offs as well?

Jacksonville: “Albuquerque” – Jags owner Wayne Weaver says he wants to draft Tim Tebow so the team’s ticket sales would increase. Tebow is better at cutting foreskin than executing a cut block, and better at passing along the word of the Lord than throwing anything resembling a spiral, so my gut tells me this team is destined to move to…well, Albuquerque.

Houston: “Eat It” – I’m eating crow after calling the Texans to lose big to Tennessee last week. A rejuvenated Texans team playing at home against a Jaguars team that got curb-stomped by the Cardinals is too much for me to pass up.

N.Y. Giants: “Smells Like Nirvana” – Everything seems to be going well for the Giants – their young receiving corps, a question coming into the season, is stepping up in the face of injuries and they already have two wins in the NFC East.

Tampa Bay: “Nature Trail to Hell” – On the other hand, Raheem Morris fired his offensive coordinator days before the regular season started, and the Bucs defense has looked pretty bad in the first two games. Talk about a season destined for hell.

Cleveland: “I Can’t Watch This” – Yes, this is a parody of MC Hammer’s “U Can’t Touch This.” Browns fans have been uttering the words, “I can’t watch this,” for who knows how many years. If there was ever a music video for this, Braylon Edwards should be brought in to dance in a pair of parachute pants; seeing the Browns offense, it’ll be the only time he gets to dance all year.

Baltimore: “Weasel-Stomping Day” – I picked this song name because quite frankly, the Ravens will be doing some weasel-stomping Sunday.

Chicago: “When I Was Your Age” – When my mom was my age, the Bears had a good quarterback. They didn’t get another one until now. My mom is now in her 50s.

Seattle: “Everything You Know is Wrong” – Everything I thought I knew about the Seahawks has been dead wrong this season. Part of me just wants to not pick this game, but I must, so I’ll take the home team over the road team after a huge win.

New Orleans: “Like a Surgeon” – Drew Brees has been surgical in dissecting the Lions’ and Eagles’ defenses the past two weeks. Even though he’s staying on the road this week, I expect that trend to continue.

Buffalo: “Headline News” – The Bills haven’t been in the news since losing the Music City Miracle (and losing four straight Super Bowls before that). Signing Terrell Owens and having a player have a d**k spray-painted on his lawn will change that.

Miami: “One of Those Days” – You have the ball for 45 minutes … at home … and lose. Just one of those days for Tony Sparano’s Fins, who are failing to re-capture last season’s magic.

San Diego: “Dare to Be Stupid” – Norv Turner takes the smallest guy on the field and runs him straight into one of the best defenses in the league on fourth-and-short. THAT, my friends, is why Turner is one of the worst coaches in the league. I haven’t shaken my head in disbelief at stupidity like that since Polito broke his hand punching the padding under the basketball hoop after missing a lay-up. But am I following the stupidity trend for picking the Chargers to cover this week? I sure hope not.

Denver: “This Is The Life” – This is the life for Josh McDaniels. He catches all kinds of crap from the media after shipping off Jay Cutler and pissing off Brandon Marshall, then drafting all offensive players when his defense sorely needed help. He’s now 2-0 and heading into Oakland? Must be nice.

Oakland: “You Make Me” – Jamarcus Russell, you make me sick. Your seven completions last week make quarterbacks all over the world embarrassed to share the same job title as you. Al Davis, your drafting makes me want to kick someone in the nuts. But even more so, Al Davis, you make me want to watch “Tales From the Crypt” because you bear a strange resemblance to the Crypt-keeper.

Pittsburgh: “Another One Rides The Bus” – After seeing how terrible the Steelers are in short-yardage situations, it’d be nice to see the Bus back. The title of this song also brings me back to when Polito and I kept drunkenly yelling “RIDE THE BUS!” while kicking Wakefield’s and Chris Diehl’s asses in Mario Tennis on the Nintendo 64 one night sophomore year.

Cincinnati: “That Boy Could Dance” – The Bengals have had their fair share of dancers…first came the Ickey Shuffle, then Chad Johnson’s Riverdance, and even Kelley Washington’s seizure-looking thing he pulled in a preseason game against the Redskins a few years ago. Nothing to dance for here, though.

Indianapolis: “Theme from Rocky XIII” – Please download this song and tell me you can’t imagine Peyton Manning yelling “Chop that meat!” to a washed-up Rocky Balboa.

Arizona: “Ode to a Superhero” – This is my tribute to Kurt Warner, who was nearly flawless last week against Jacksonville. With Indy on short rest and having to travel out west, the Cardinals won’t need to be superheroes to win this one.

Carolina: “Fat” – This song goes out to injured Panthers defensive tackle Maake Kemoeatu, who is one of the fattest guys in the league at 345 pounds. This song also represents the chance of John Fox returning to Carolina next season (and Bill Cowher replacing him, for that matter).

Dallas: “You Don’t Love Me Anymore” – First, Tony Romo lost the love of Jessica Simpson. Is the love from Cowboys fans next out the door? It will be if he turns in another terrible performance at home.
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Until tomorrow's column, "read it, roll it, hole it."

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

2009 F'd Up Tourney: LIVE BLOGGING THE THIRD ROUND - The Mainstay Tournament

By: Luke Florence



We are broadcasting LIVE the 3rd Round of The Mainstay Tournament, and want you to participate. This is a BRAND-NEW method of LIVE BLOGGING for the KOA, and it has the potential to change the way we blog. The possibilities are endless. Please join us.

Read it, roll it, hole it.

2009 NFL ATS Pick 'Em: Week Two Standings

By: Luke Florence

Same story as last week. Here are the updated league standings through two weeks. Those people who are in RED really have to battle the clock to get their money in. The deadline I set more than a month ago is merely a day away. If I don't hear one word from you on the subject, then I will assume you no longer wish to participate. Do work.

Congratulations to Chris Rapking for having the best week two record. Not only did his Bengals cover, but they won outright. Add Rapking's 12-4 ATS record into the mix, and I'd say he had a pretty good weekend.

No surprise that Rapking was the week's biggest mover, as he climbed 13 spots from 20th all the way to 7th place, just one game out of the money. The week's biggest loser was Josh Florence, who fell ten places in week two. What a contrast from a year ago when he went 13-2 in week two as he started his rise to prominence. Exact opposite from him in 2009. But not to worry, we still have 15 weeks left to pick. Plenty of time to gain ground.

Anthony Tynan, who shared the lead last week now occupies the top spot outright. Must be all his inside information. In our short three year history, Tynan holds the best record ever through two weeks (by a half-game over Grothaus and Braves from 2008). Tynan should also know that no one who has led through two weeks has ever gone on to win any money.

Bart Borer should also be recognized, because for the first time in three years, Bart is not in last place after two weeks. In 2007 and 2008, Bart was either in dead last, or tied for the honor. Not the case in 2009. Congrats Bart. The flip-side is that Bart went 13-19 and 13-18 respectively in '07 and '08, but in '09 he is 12-20. Chewy and Devin should be receiving thank-you cards from Bart, because due to their 11-21 records, Bart is out of the cellar.

2009 NFL ATS PICK 'EM: WEEK TWO STANDINGS (week two record in parentheses)
1) Anthony Tynan 22-10 (10-6)
2) Billy Wakefield 21-11 (11-5)
2) Ryan Polito 21-11 (11-5)
4) Shane Kline 20-12 (9-7)
4) Luke Polito 20-12 (9-7)
4) Nick Lay 20-12 (11-5)
7) Jake Young 19-13 (10-6)
7) Brian Boesch 19-13 (10-6)
7) Chris Rapking 19-13 (12-4)
7) Erik Smith 19-13 (7-9)
11) Jason Fazzone 18-14 (9-7)
11) Justin Whelan 18-14 (10-6)
11) Andrew Braverman 18-14 (10-6)
11) Jeff Normand 18-14 (10-6)
11) Jamie Reamer 18-14 (10-6)
16) Luke Florence 16-16 (7-9)
16) Matt Barnes 16-16 (7-9)
16) Chris Woodard 16-16 (8-8)
16) Kevin Hunt 16-16 (9-7)
16) Corey Taylor 16-16 (11-5)
21) Jeff Schaffer 15-17 (7-9)
21) Eric Hug 15-17 (8-8)
23) Josh Florence 14-18 (6-10)
24) Bart Borer 12-20 (6-10)
25) Devin Frank 11-21 (5-11)
25) Andrew Reinhart 11-21 (8-8)

Please double check your records with what I posted. I could have typed the wrong team for you in my spreadsheet, or simply miscounted a win. I strive for accuracy, and with your help, we will achieve it.

Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."