Dream big. Hope springs eternal. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Yada yada yada, let's get this thing started.
That is where we currently stand ... the start. The beginning.
Only two things will happen at the end of the 17-week regular season. You will make money or you won't. Same goes with the NFL. All 32 teams will either make the playoffs, or they won't. Those are the only two options. But as black-and-white as it may appear to be, this season will provide opportunity for an endless rainbow of color.
That's the idea behind this pick 'em league, to provide some color. Maybe you won't win any money this year, but you might enjoy having a rooting interest in every single game, every single play, every single second of the season. Maybe your favorite NFL team won't make it to the playoffs, but you might enjoy reading this column, competing against a large number of your peers, and contributing comments throughout the year.
The choice is yours. Remember, the classic title of the New Radicals #1 hit applies to this league and to the regular-season as a whole.
You only get what you give.
Best of luck.
Two league members decided to have a theme for this week. Matt Barnes and Nick Lay. I’m just going to get out of the way now. Enjoy.
Barnes: “Alright, my special section this year will be a theme of the week. My picks will somehow be connected to this theme or I will connect the theme to my picks. This week, I'm doing a tribute to Michael Jackson, my all-time favorite musician of all-time.”
Lay: “Not sure how I want to approach this on a weekly basis. I'll have a theme sometimes and other times probably won't. Such is life. I'm new to this. This week's theme for my picks: Super Tecmo Bowl.”
Kevin Hunt is back with his ball-buster pick of the week for the third straight year, Andrew Reinhart returns to discuss some strange actions by linemen, Jason Fazzone has his second column of the year, while Brian Boesch debuts a weekly-special pick designed to pay homage to the F’d Up Tournament.
Giddy up folks. The NFL is here.
MIAMI DOLPHINS @ ATLANTA FALCONS (-4.5)
We start with a couple of playoff teams from a year ago. They both won’t make it back this season (I’m looking directly at Miami). The Falcons upgraded with Tony Gonzalez while the Dolphins are hoping for another solid year from Chad Pennington. This game shouldn’t require too much thought.
My Pick: ATL (-4.5)
Devin: “Two teams I thought were lucky last year. Tough pick, will take the team receiving points.” That’s a solid ATS strategy. When in doubt, take the points. Or is it when in doubt take the home team? What about when in doubt take the better QB? Welcome to ATS picking … where doubt lives.
Jeff: “Matt Ryan won't have the sophomore jinx.” I was never sold on Ryan. Didn’t think he was that great at Boston College, but he came into Atlanta and shut me up. It might be interesting to see him without a solid running game to rely on however.
Hug: “Atlanta has a good shot at winning the NFC South, and Miami is coming off a great year, but I don't think the Dolphins can hang with a very solid Falcons team.”Atlanta will win the NFC South, and the Dolphins will finish with less than eight wins.
Lay: “Deion Sanders was better in Super Tecmo Bowl than John Offerdahl.” Did you know Offerdahl went to five consecutive Pro Bowls? Me either.
Barnes: “’I'll Be There’ - I won't actually be there but I'll be 2.5 hours away from it and watching it on my network. The Falcons pass defense is awful. Thankfully, so is Miami's pass offense.” No love for Chad Pennington?
Justin: “I don't care if Serena and Venus are part owners of the Dolphins. Birds 28-14.” Doesn’t Jennifer Lopez also own the Dolphins?
Woody: “One year was not near enough to sell me on Chad Pennington. Time to see if all this Falcon hype is for real.” Falcons have improved on paper, but as Chris Berman reminds us EVERY WEEK, that’s why they play the game.
Chewy: “Miami's offense will be dominant this year.” Not … gonna … happen.
Tynan: “The Falcons seemed to do everything right last year and it seems like everyone is ready to bail on the Dolphins. I'm not so quick to dismiss Ronnie Brown, who conveniently is primed for a career year: almost two years removed from ACL surgery and a convenient clause in his contract that allows him to become a free agent if a CBA is not reached. Translation: Ronnie Brown gets rich by running wild.” I wonder if Tynan got inside information on Brown’s contract as well.
Hunt: “Hate to say it, Schaf, but I'm afraid of a sophomore slump from this Falcons team. I'm just not sure where it will come from. Matt Ryan?? Michael Turner?? Mike Smith?? Defensive tackle Thomas Johnson?? (side note: he is a 28-year-old 2nd year player whose best game in the NFL was the last day of 2006 when he recorded five tackles against the Browns. The next year he didn't even play football. There seriously needs to be a book made of these types of stats vs. the Browns).” This is why the NFL wanted the Browns to come back so desperately. To make everyone else look good.
Taylor: “I really don’t see Atlanta being nearly as good as they were a year ago. The problem is, Miami won’t be as good either with Chad ‘Crazy Legs’ Pennington leading the way. The Falcons will squeak by on a last minute field goal and win by three, but won’t cover the spread.” Be careful in making predictions for a team to win and NOT cover. It usually doesn’t end up well.
Brian: “Remember the Dolphins were 1-15 two years ago, still have Chad Pennington as their quarterback and have a much more difficult schedule. I know Atlanta wasn't supposed to be good last year, but I like Ryan/Turner to keep it up more than Pennington/Brown/Williams. Give me the home team.” You got it.
Fiz: “Nice early-season battle between two teams that are trying to prove 2008 wasn't a fluke. I give the nod to one of the league's best ground attacks over one of the league's best gimmick offenses.” I’m actually looking forward to watching Pat White play. Mainly just to see what Joshua Cribbs could be doing.
KANSAS CITY CHIEFS @ BALTIMORE RAVENS (-9.5)
Baltimore Defense > Team who just fired their offensive coordinator a week before the season. This should be a no-brainer.
My Pick: BAL (-9.5)
Devin: “I think Baltimore might win this 9-0 or something. That’s a lot of points with the Baltimore offense.” I actually think the Ravens offense will be improved. I actually think Joe Flacco will have an impressive fantasy season. Wait a second … I actually think?
Jeff: “Not that losing Matt Cassel means anything, but KC is even worse now.” True statement. The Ravens defense will be in full attack mode from the onset.
Hug: “Kansas City was nearly as bad as the Lions last year, and I don't think they have done much to improve either. With Cassel out they are even worse. I expect Baltimore to roll.” Word.
Lay: “Baltimore also didn't exist in Super Tecmo Bowl. This is easy.” One of my favorite Tecmo Bowl players was Kansas City’s running back, Christian “The Nigerian Nightmare” Okoye.
Barnes: “’Smooth Criminal’ - Led by smooth criminal Ray Lewis (he killed a guy), the Ravens shut down a Chiefs offense that will improve as the season goes on.” You will notice running jokes from this league, and Ray Lewis killing a guy is one of my favorites.
Justin: “Line is up to 13 now. Ravens 24-7.” How did you get that inside information Justin?? Do you know Anthony Tynan?
Woody: “I don't care who they picked up in the off season ... KC is plain bad.” Agreed.
Chewy: “Ray Lewis is old.” And he killed a guy.
Tynan: “The line has already moved to -13 on this game. That's a big move from the opening line. Plus Kansas City might get shut out.” So shouldn’t you pick KC then Tynan? Do you not follow your own guidelines?
Hunt: “If you thought I was done with the Chefs comments, you were wrong. I'll be taking KC only when the Chefs could actually cook their opponent. Only someone strange would eat raven.” Hunt just loves the Snickers ‘Chefs’ commercial.
Taylor: “As I’m thinking about this pick, my girl Miley Cyrus is playing in the background. She has great wisdom for the Chiefs, ‘There’s always going to be an uphill battle, sometimes I’m going to have to lose.’ KC has no shot in this game beating the Ravens. Even if Edgar Allen Poe played for the Chiefs he would fear the Ravens’ D. However, Baltimore doesn’t have enough offense to cover the spread.” Taylor again takes a team to win, but NOT cover. Rookie mistake.
Brian: “Bold prediction: Chiefs will have the same record (8-8) as the Ravens at the end of the year. And this game may give them the tiebreaker.” This sounds like a prediction the Dos Equis beer guy would make.
Fiz: “Matt Cassel is a game-time decision, but it wouldn't even matter if Trent Green lined up under center for the Chiefs, they lose this game by double-digits.” Can’t go wrong with a Trent Green reference.
PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (-0.5) @ CAROLINA PANTHERS
Love the Eagles and hate the Panthers this season. Very surprised to see the spread this low. Which means it is a sure sign that I’m going to lose.
My Pick: PHI (-0.5)
Devin: “Carolina has to prove it this year, or get a new QB.” How long is Jake “Of The Man” Delhomme going to keep that gig? I can’t see him starting in the NFL this time next year.
Jeff: “A pick 'em game, so I’m going with the home team.” Wise move by a crafty ATS veteran.
Hug: “I have never liked Philadelphia teams much, but the Eagles are poised to have another successful year. Even without Michael Vick for a couple weeks, Andy Reid will have his team ready to play.” Word from Roger Goodell is Vick will be able to play starting week three.
Barnes: “’Man In The Mirror’ - Both McNabb and Delhomme have had to look at themselves in the mirror since their close Super Bowl losses to NE and asked ‘what could have been?’” I was fully anticipating McNabb looking in the mirror and finding Michael Vick about to unleash a Pit Bull on Donovan.
Justin: “Taking the home team and going against the public. Panthers 24-21.” Home teams usually do well week one. Last year, picking every home team to cover would have given you a 9-7 record.
Woody: “Michael Vick can't have a negative impact yet if he's still on the bench, can he?” Michael Vick is a walking, talking, breathing negative impact. McNabb’s leash (pun) is dramatically shortened just because of Vick’s presence.
Tynan: “Carolina just seems on its way down into the dumps for me.” Jake Delhomme’s face seems to permanently be down in the dumps.
Hunt: “Last movie I watched … Rocky. Can't really remember a movie set in Charlotte.” Obviously Hunt has never seen nor read ‘Charlotte’s Web.’
Taylor: “Even Andy Reid’s delinquent kids can’t help the Eagles steal a victory away from Carolina.” File Reid’s kids along with Ray Lewis the murderer. Never gets old.
Brian: “I'll be unbelievably bitter if this game is a tie. Hopefully Donovan McNabb has learned the OT rules.” I love Peter King’s idea to solve the NFL overtime dilemma. Score a TD, win the game. Kick a FG, the other team has a chance to match/win.
Fiz: “Why is this spread so low? Jake Delhomme threw five picks against the CARDINALS in a playoff game, for God's sake. Imagine what he does against a team that'll actually pressure him.” The answer is turn into Daunte “Throw It” Culpepper.
DENVER BRONCOS @ CINCINNATI BENGALS (-4.5)
The Bengals should be improved while the Broncos should be worse. To what extent, I have zero idea. My gut says Denver, but I’m only taking road teams this week if I feel positive they are the better team.
My Pick: CIN (-4.5)
Devin: “I think Denver is going to be awful. Apparently worse than Bengals awful.” Why do you say that Devin? All they’ve done is lose Mike Shanahan, Jay Cutler, and what little mental health Brandon Marshall had.
Jeff: “My sleeper team for the year! I hate the Bengals, but they are going to surprise some all this year.” A healthy Carson Palmer should help, but the question will be their offensive line and their entire defense.
Hug: “The Bengals might be on HBO, but it's the Broncos who have seen the most hard knocks. First Cutler takes off for (greener?) pastures then Brandon Marshall starts acting like a five year old. The Bengals are trying to avoid an abysmal season overall, and Denver just wants the season to start. I think McDaniels will have his team ready to go though.” I’ll take, “Things That Won’t Happen,” for $400 Alex.
Lay: “If there were more elaborate TD dances in Super Tecmo Bowl, I'd have to give the edge to Cincy due to the Ickey Shuffle. That, however, is not the case. Anything Ickey can do Bobby Humphrey can do better. Or do exactly the same.” It only took the fourth game of the week until we got our first Bobby Humphrey reference. Normally this would be a QOTW candidate but Lay has better this week. And when I say better, I mean much better.
Barnes: “’Heal The World’ - This game depends on the health of both QBs. Kyle Orton is the Broncos only hope of being decent (and that's saying a lot). Meanwhile, Carson Palmer must stay healthy all season for the Bengals to compete.” Kyle Orton is an easy guy to make fun of, because he seems to have zero athletic skills, but he does have a winning record. However, if you have to depend on him to win a game, then you are going to lose the game.
Justin: “Kiss the baby. Western team coming east. Bengals 27-17.” Technically I guess Denver qualifies as a ‘west’ team, but not sure it will have the same impact that Justin hopes it does.
Woody: “They are a hot mess but has anyone in the history of this league ever picked Cincinnati to cover a spread? That's like counting on the Huber release inmate to come through during an office crisis ... not going to happen.” If Carson Palmer is healthy, this team might not be that bad.
Chewy: “I am too loyal. Even after the worse off season ever.” Spoken like a true Broncos fan.
Tynan: “I know the Broncos lost a key part in Jay Cutler, but let me jump in and say that I have more faith in a team that just barely missed the playoffs even with a lesser QB than well, the Bengals.” Spoken like a guy with a ton of inside information.
Hunt: “This may be the most painful week of picks I've had, taking all of the AFC North opponents as favorites. Which means they'll all play great defense, win by two and not cover. But seriously, have I EVER had confidence in Kyle Orton?? Better question ... have YOU??” Pittsburgh won and didn’t cover, and I’m fully expecting Cincy and Baltimore to do the same. Just another day in the life of a Cleveland Brown fan.
Taylor: “Kiss the Baby Denver. Cincy’s offense finds its ‘05 form and puts up 30+ points on Denver. Josh McDaniels and Brandon Marshall get in a fist fight on the sideline after Marshall complains on not getting the ball enough.” When was the last time Cincinnati won a playoff game? Were you even alive Taylor?
Brian: “I'm taking the Bengals and giving points? What am I doing? I think Denver will be that bad.” As do the rest of us.
Smitty: “I've learned two things since I moved to Cincinnati, Ochocinco doesn't mean 85 and I hate the Bengals.” Go Browns.
Fiz: “Loser of this faces the Raiders later this season to determine who gets featured on next year's Hard Knocks. Neither team has a defense, but Kyle Orton is starting for the Broncos, so I guess the Bengals cover by default.” Rule #1 in ATS picking: Take the better QB.
MINNESOTA VIKINGS (-3.5) @ CLEVELAND BROWNS
“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve heard in my entire life.” - Jessica Corey.
When Jessica found out that Brady Quinn had not yet been named the starter because the Browns Head Coach Eric Mangini was going to keep it a secret, she responded with the above statement.
Hard to argue. My only reasoning behind this is because Mangini is going to start Derek Anderson. That’s the only logical reason to do so. Think about it for a second.
Everyone thinks Brady Quinn is going to be the starter. Mangini wants to start DA. Instead of facing criticism for an entire week leading up to the season opener about why Quinn isn’t starting, Mangini doesn’t announce it publicly. Then, if DA has a great game and the Browns happen to beat Minnesota, Mangini doesn’t have to spend too much time on why Quinn isn’t starting.
That’s the only thing I can think of. Maybe I’m looking into it a bit much, or maybe I’m spot on. We will know one way or the other come 1 PM EST.
One quick side note, for the first time since 2005, I will not be attending the Browns season opener. I’ve seen them start the year losing to the Bengals, the Saints, the Steelers, and the Cowboys. The last two were so brutal I vowed to take at least one year off.
My Pick: MIN (-3.5)
Devin: Yeah, why start taking Cleveland this year?” I actually think, under the right circumstances, this Browns team can win 7-9 games this year. Quarterbacks, injuries, and Braylon Edwards will all determine if that is possible.
Jeff: “Mangini is going to start Josh Cribbs at QB to fool us all.” I’d take that over DA any day of the week. In all seriousness, I really hope Mangini uses Cribbs more effectively. He should have been catching more balls last season, and I’m glad to see him listed as the #2 WR. He’s a tough guy to bring down and will catch it if you throw it to him. Add a couple packages that will give Cribbs the option to throw! Please!
Hug: “Okay beloved Browns fans, who is going to quarterback this team? I think if there is one solidified starter, they will be fine. If Braylon Edwards starts catching a ball or two they have a good chance. I will say that the Vikings are going through a bit of a rough patch, with Jackson and Rosenfels feeling betrayed. How will the rest of the team respond? I don't know how much it matters, but I think Favre will be in poor form to start.” Favre could be in a wheelchair and I still think he would torch the Browns secondary.
Lay: “I should eliminate Minnesota due to the fake reverse/reverse/flea flicker play making up 37.5% of their playbook, but Bernie Kosar's name was not used in the game, eliminating the aura of invincibility that the '91 Browns had working in their advantage.” Bernie Kosar and Michael Jordan are the only two people I know who wouldn’t let their names be used in video games. It’s sad because those two were probably my two favorite professional athletes when I was six.
Barnes: “’Don't Stop Til You Get Enough’ - Brett Favre is back again! It's a good thing he gets to begin the season with a fairly simple game against the hapless Browns.” Over/under on Favre INT’s against Cleveland … 1.5. I’ll take the over.
Justin: “Super Bowl baby. Browns 20-17.” Just let it be better than last year. Please.
Woody: “I HATE the Vikings ... and as instructed I've been praying for Brady Quinn. After all the "top secret" decision on who is starting at quarterback ... only to be revealed by Wednesday has to give Mangini and the boys an advantage right? Wow.” Can’t wait to celebrate each of Quinn’s four TD passes on Sunday with Woody. And thanks for the prayers, he needs all we can give him.
Chewy: “Who will be the starting QB? I don't care. Why is Favre back? I predict that he will need a hip replacement by the end of this season.” John Madden would like to have a word with you Chewy.
Tynan: “This one has the makings of one of those that's too good to be true, but I won't pick that way when I need to depend on the Browns. Minnesota should be able to do anything on both sides of the ball. Just for my comments, the Browns will lose this game by two but still play ugly enough to ruin my day.” If the Browns lose this game by two, I don’t care how ugly they play, I’ll take it.
Hunt: “I'm keeping my pick for this game secret until kickoff. But don't worry, I live with Luke, so it will be picked legitimately.” I even considered benching my entire fantasy football team right until kickoff so my opponent would not know who I was starting.
Taylor: “AP = All Day. Vikes tear up that joke of a defense. After the game is over and the Browns lose by 40, Brady Quinn says ‘Now I’m Done’ and crams down a protein shake.” Spoken like a true Bengals fan.
Brian: “I hate Brett Favre. I hate Brett Favre. I hate Brett Favre. Last year, Favre got a chance to beat the Jets' old QB and he took advantage. This year, he gets a chance against his old coach. If this were December, I would pick the Browns because Favre will wear down. Opening day? Go with Favre.” The other side of the Favre issue is that he might not have his timing down with his receivers just quite yet.
Smitty: “I’m interested to see how this Favre fellow does. He's a relative unknown that we haven’t heard very much about these last few years. All kidding aside I don't see a very good year for the Browns even though I love Brady.” As long as it’s better than last year, I will consider it a positive.
Fiz: “Question: if Michael Vick gets two years in jail for fighting dogs and LeGarrette Blount gets suspended for the season for punching a Bronco, what kind of punishment does Adrian Peterson get for making the Dawg Pound collectively sick to their stomachs?” Very nice Fiz. You have yourself a QOTW candidate.
NEW YORK JETS @ HOUSTON TEXANS (-4.5)
Last year I refused to take a rookie QB opening the season on the road. I was burned twice. This year, despite my hatred for Mark Sanchez, I’m going against my better instinct and taking the rookie.
My Pick: NYJ (+4.5)
Devin: “No love for Mr. Sanchez.” Not from me. I’d rather die than love Mark Sanchez.
Jeff: “I just drafted Sanchez in out fantasy league. The Browns should have done the same.” For a while there it looked like Mangini was considering it. He played it smart by trading down. Or at least I think he did.
Hug: “Mark Sanchez era anyone? I am interested to watch this game, and wonder if we will see ‘good’ Houston or ‘bad’ Houston this weekend. I'll say ‘good’ Houston.” How good is ‘good’ Houston anyways? Nine wins?
Lay: “The J-E-T-S JETS! JETS! JETS! couldn't beat the Buccaneers' reserves in the game. They are arguably the worst team in video game history, unless you include every Browns team from 1999 to present, with the exception of the aberrations known as the 2002 and 2007 seasons. I gave cities the nod over franchises when deciding to eliminate the Titans or Texans for not existing when the game was made because it coincided with my picks.” Al Toon would like a word with you Mr. Lay.
Barnes: “’P.Y.T (Pretty Young Thing)’ - The Jets start their rookie QB Mark Sanchez who looked really good in preseason. The Texans aren't the best defense ever so look for the Jets to pull off a good road win.” I really didn’t think Sanchez looked all that great, and I watched the entire Ravens-Jets game (got paid to do so). He looked downright awful at times, and probably only threw two or three good passes.
Justin: “I still think there is too much hype for this Texans club. Jets 28-24.” I’m with Justin. Why are they so much better than last year? This isn’t Madden. Everyone won’t continue to improve just because it’s a year later.
Woody: “Year number?? (I've lost count) ... for the Texans to live up to expectations.” I might have given Woody too high of odds to win this this league.
Tynan: “This is Houston's year. Everyone likes them but won't be ballsy enough to say they will make the playoffs, so you get to hear it here first. The Texans will make the playoffs!” Again, why are they better than last year? I don’t see it.
Hunt: “First-year coach on the road with first-year QB. Hope ya'll can run the ball, cause them thar Texans may run you out of the stadium. That, or Leon Washington returns all kicks for TDs... (in Bill Walton voice) ‘HAS THERE EVER BEEN A MORE EXCITING, MORE ELUSIVE, MORE INTERESTINGLY EXUBERANT RETURN MAN THAN LE-WASH?!?! AND YES, I *DID JUST MAKE UP A NICKNAME FOR THE MAN HIS TEAMMATES CALL THE NEW YORK FOOTBALL NINJA!!’” Hunt’s comment looks like the Mazelle River, just flowing beautifully out of the Pal Varian Alps.
Brian: “OK, I have plenty of reasons, as a Cleveland fan, to hate New York and hate the media. But this whole Mark Sanchez thing took my frustration to a whole new level. They broke down EVERY pass he had against Baltimore in their preseason game, and he made TWO (yes, two) good passes. Then, all the "experts" said that Sanchez, indeed, was ready to become a star. Then, ESPN broke the news that the Jets would rest a lot of starters in their final preseason game. Uh, guess what ESPN...EVERYONE DOES THAT. IT'S NOT NEWS. But when the Jets do it, it's necessary. Sanchez is my new Derek Jeter. Seems like a great guy who has some potential. But I will root against him because of the media.” I could not agree more. This is the same network that has said, multiple times, that Brady Quinn has had plenty of opportunities to start, but hasn’t delivered. I hate ESPN.
Fiz: “If the Jets didn't have one of the best lines in football, I would've sided with the Texans. But the line, combined with the Jets' ground game and the early Rookie of the Year pick in Mark Sanchez, may not just help New York cover, but help them win this game straight up.” Don’t forget, Rex Ryan is their new coach, so you would expect their defense to be somewhat improved.
JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS @ INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (-7.5)
These two teams always play close games. Always.
My Pick: JAX (+7.5)
Devin: “Don’t know what I feel about Jacksonville. In doubt, take Peyton.” Isn’t there a Las Vegas story surrounding Peyton Manning, Devin Frank, and about $500?
Jeff: “The Colts usually start the year slow, but I don't think the Jags have that much to offer.” Agreed, but I think the Colts are going to have a down year. Losing Tony Dungy and Marvin Harrison should count for something.
Hug: “The Colts are a team that wants to make it back to the Super Bowl, but I think a great deal of it relies on their running game. Peyton Manning will do his thing though. Jacksonville is trying to recover after a disappointing year.” As long as Peyton can do more United Way skits on Saturday Night Live, I’m in.
Lay: “Indy is lucky that J'Ville didn't exist since they're miserable in the game. Jeff George still thinks he's a better QB than Peyton. In other news, Rickey Henderson just beat Usain Bolt in a 100 meter dash.” Today, I am the greatest, of all-time.
Barnes: “’You Are Not Alone’ - Peyton Manning may feel alone with good buddies Tony Dungy and Marvin Harrison gone but he still has Reggie Wayne, Dallas Clark and Joseph Addai to help him out.” It’s simple, I throw, you catch. Do you want to lose?
Justin: “These match-ups are always close, with 12 of last 14 decided by eight or less. 24-20 Colts.” Word.
Woody: “Hoping Indy’s fine at home despite the big spread. ‘Get back in here, except you, I can't even look at you. Go sit in the porta john for twenty minutes, that's right, stay in there.’ Comic genius that is Peyton Manning.” Who said you could open the door?
Tynan: “By no means do I think Jacksonville will win this game, but I think both teams will be overrated. They will be sloppy and it paves the way for my Texans pick to gain some early division momentum.” Don’t see it. At all. Houston is just in the wrong division.
Hunt: “I trust the Indy defense about as much as I trust Michael Jackson's doctor with my medications, or Donte Stallworth with my Bentley, or a mask to protect me from H1N1 virus, or Bernard Madoff with my money, or the screen name ‘iswearimnotchrishansenbutiam14’ in a chat room.” Somewhere Corey Taylor is scrambling to change his screen name.
Brian: “This has the feel of a Colts seven-point win, so I'm thankful for the extra half. I love that new Peyton Manning DirecTV commercial with the cheerleaders in the background. Simply because that would be his actual reaction. I'm sure he turns away from female human beings who are showing a little bit too much for his liking. He's just an awkward superstar, yet he has all the commercials. Oh, and the Jags will be better this year. They will hang around in the AFC South.” I’ll go on record saying that Jacksonville will finish with a better record than Houston.
Smitty: “Peyton Manning is healthy to start this year but the Jags always play them close. Indy will win but 7.5 is too big.” Again, this appears to be the general consensus. Beware of the general consensus.
Fiz: “Jacksonville was pathetic last year, but the Jags always seem to bring it against the Colts. I think the Colts win this game, but not by more than seven.” All of a sudden, I hate my pick.
DETROIT LIONS @ NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (-13.5)
Are the Saints two touchdowns better than the Lions? Absolutely they are. No question.
My Pick: NO (-13.5)
Devin: “Whatever. I am sticking with Detroit until they win.” Well that doesn’t make much sense.
Jeff: “Okay, Detroit might win a few games this year but this won't be one of them.” Wouldn’t that be something if they didn’t though. What a great story.
Hug: “The Lions are relatively unpredictable, but then again so are the Saints. I feel we will see an improved Detroit team that is hungry to show they can win, at least four games anyway. (Who said a 400% improvement was bad?) New Orleans's offense looks potent, hopefully their defense doesn't let them down. New Orleans wins a close one.” Since when have the Lions been ‘relatively unpredictable?’ They have won 31 games in the LAST EIGHT YEARS! What is unpredictable about that? Relative or otherwise.
Lay: “While conventional wisdom suggests that Barry Sanders defeats all, choosing between Rodney Peete and Andre Ware all but eliminates the goodness that he brings to the game. The Saints also had Ironhead Heyward, who introduced me to the loofah with his Zest commercials back in the day.”
Um, do you mean this one?
Annnnnd … that’s what she said.
Barnes: “’Black Or White’ - Doesn't matter if Daunte Culpepper or Matthew Stafford quarterbacks this team, they will lose this game and lose it BIG.” Really thought Barnes would have chosen ‘Bad’ for this contest, http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifbut ‘Black or White’ is clever enough.
Justin: “Same old Lions. Saints 35-14.” I just hope they win a game before they play Cleveland.
Woody: “Detroit with the points ... I have no idea what is compelling me to do this and I'm sure I'll regret it.” Sounds like anyone who signed a contract with the Browns.
Chewy: “The spread is too big.” The Lions are too bad.
Tynan: “Again, I want to go Detroit here. I just can't justify doing it against a team that can throw all day while the Lions start a rookie QB with an inept offense.” This is why I don’t think Calvin Johnson will put up similar numbers to last year.
Hunt: “I'll even put money down on a side bet ... under eight minutes into the game that New Orleans first covers this line. Once again, first-year QB on the road along with his coach, um, what's his name that coached the worst team in football history and kept his job??” Art Shell?
Taylor: “Barnes isn’t black and the Lions aren’t good.” The Lions are as good at football as Corey Taylor is at life.
Brian: “In honor of your ‘F'd Up Tourney,’ I have a special feature each week. One pick per week will be decided by your rules. National TV games are off limits. So I will have no more than 14 games to pick from (this week, 12). I will take a deck of cards and take out one of each card (ace = 1, joker = 14 if needed). The card that matches up with the order of your list will decide which game is the F'd Up one for the week. Then, roll the dice (and yes, I went out and bought dice to do this).
I'm not gonna lie, I read every single match-up you and Hunt had and can't wait til the next round.
I will put this one first...Ace-Queen in the pile, and the lucky number is 8! Detroit getting 13.5 points at the Superdome. You better believe I'll have rooting interests in this, as I want to take New Orleans in this game. But it's all random, folks. Road team goes first.
Roll #1: Detroit rolls a 5, while Drew Brees throws a TD, PAT no good. 6-5 NO.
Roll #2: Double 4's for the Lions, and the and one is a 6. I'm convinced this is the best thing to happen to the franchise since Barry Sanders. Saints with a 7. Lions on top 20-13. Roll #3: Lions outscore Saints again, 7-5. 27-18 DET.
Roll #4: Saints trying to battle back with a 10 after Detroit's second straight 7. 34-28 Lions.
Roll #5: Double 5's for DET right before halftime, with a 4 spot as the and one. NO can only muster a 7. 48-35 Lions at the half.
Roll #6: Detroit only gets a 5, but that's all NO can get too...53-38 Lions. Detroit fans are looking for their first meaningful win since their big win over KC week 16 of 2008. I'm glad I can help people.
Roll #7: Maybe I jinxed Detroit. Only 6 for the Lions, then a double 5 for NO. The and one.....a 3. 59-51 Lions, with Brees on the prowl.
Roll #8: A yawn of a round. 6 for DET, 4 for NO. 65-55 Lions.
Roll #9: Detroit gives NO some hope with a 4, but only a field goal for the Saints. 69-58 Detroit.
Roll #10: A 10 for Detroit gives the Saints almost no hope, as New Orleans goes out with barely a whimper by rolling an 8. 79-66 Lions.
Well, I would have picked NO in this game, but I guess this is why they call it F'd Up.” Can’t tell you how much I enjoyed this, and how much I look forward to the upcoming weeks. Could the F’d Up Tourney propel Brian INTO the F’d Up Tourney? My head is spinning.
Fiz: “Jim Schwartz's debut as coach of the Lions is as successful as my fantasy college football league. Saints win huge.” Does that mean Schwartz will quit before the first quarter? If so, it wouldn’t be a bad career move.
DALLAS COWBOYS (-5.5) @ TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS
Last year Dallas opened on the road against Cleveland and were favored by less than a touchdown. This year they open the road against Tampa Bay and are again favored by less than a touchdown. Thank you.
My Pick: DAL (-5.5)
Devin: “Drink...drink…drink...drink…drink…drink...poop. This is exactly how my season is going to feel, although I’m not sure what that means.” On all things poop related, I refer to Bart Borer.
Jeff: “Dallas did a lot of addition by subtraction (i.e. no more T.O.).” VH1 should do the same if they haven’t already.
Hug: “The Buccaneers had a disappointing finish to say the least last year, and for that matter so did the Cowboys. I will be interested to see if these teams have made improvements over the off-season. I suppose I will take Dallas, but I am not confident here.” Boy I wish I could get Huggy Bear and D-Frank together. Devin would fill you in on how the Bucs off-season went, and the word ‘improvement’ will not be muttered once.
Lay: “Vinny Testaverde was the QB for TB. Vinny Testaverde ended Bernie Kosar's career in Cleveland. Bernie Kosar played for Dallas after Cleveland. Probably the easiest pick of the set.” Quick, name the last two Browns QB’s to win a playoff game. A hint: they are both mentioned in Lay’s comment.
Barnes: “’Remember The Time’ - Remember when this game would be a huge deal between Super Bowl contenders? Now, it's a game between two aging teams hoping to just get over .500 this season.” Tampa Bay has ZERO chance of accomplishing that goal.
Justin: “Even though I'm not a believer in Dallas this year, TB is going to be one of the worst teams in the league. Boys 28-10.” Tampa Bay and Denver are my two worst teams. Watch them both win.
Woody: “I hate Tony Romo, and Tampa is at home.” Not sure why the hate for Romo. He hasn’t beaten up on your Packers has he? I know he’s never won a playoff game.
Tynan: “The Cowboys will have a losing record this year. Again, you're hearing it here first.” Well, Barnes just said he figured Dallas would fight to make it to .500, but okay, Tynan, you’re first.
Hunt: “BALLBUSTER PICK OF THE WEEK (0-0): Taking the dog in the 10th game listed.
This is my mentality ... Brady Quinn wears #10 and he's the underdog in this QB battle. In other words, I'm doing everything I can to believe that he will be the starter for the Browns. Apparently he and Anderson were told on Tuesday about who would start and they're keeping it secret as well. How long can this last?? Something tells me it will last a while and here's why.
Brady Quinn is smart enough not to disclose that kind of thing if he IS the starter. Why would he want to give away any preparation possibilities to a defense that shuts down the run so well and would be able to key on his passes?? Unless he was going to try being cocky about it, I can't see him saying a thing, especially since you can't have too many cocky players on a team that is picked to finish last by nearly every single person in the world. And this is not only in the division, but in the LEAGUE that includes the Lions and Rams.
If Derek Anderson is the starter, no one will find out. He'll try to tell people, but his obviously awful interviewing/speaking skills would cancel out any attempt he takes at letting someone know. Plus, he doesn't have friends, and if he does, something tells me they were the receivers on the cut list for the Browns last Saturday (DA was dreaming about the Anderson-Leggett hookup for years ... YEARS!!).
Even if he were to try and post something to twitter, I would NEVER, NEVER, EVER believe that he was the one who owns the account. He doesn't seem like someone who would get it, or who would know how to work a phone. And speaking of twitter, here's the latest post by @sportstalkCLE... ‘Derek Anderson may have given away Mangini’s QB choice Wednesday when he said 'the rest of us have to go about our regular preparations.'
Can you just hear him saying, in a whiny, little kid voice, ‘But cooooooooach... I didn't TELL THEM who it was going to beeeeeeeee ... You just hate me!!’
Because I can. By the way, I feel like the Bucs can keep it close at home in the opener. Yes, even behind Byron Leftwich. Wow, can already feel a loss here.” Yes, these are my friends.
Brian: “People forget Tony Romo is a pretty good QB. Tampa Bay is going to get eaten alive in that division.” Don’t think it matters what division Tampa is playing against, they won’t be any good.
Fiz: “Normally, I would stay far away from a team that fired its offensive coordinator during the preseason, but I think the Bucs pull this one off straight-up. I just haven't seen enough from the Cowboys to make me believe they win on the road against a solid quarterback in Byron Leftwich.” That last part was a joke right?
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS @ ARIZONA CARDINALS (-6.5)
If this spread was one point higher I would take the Niners.
My Pick: ARI (-6.5)
Jeff: “I don't think last year was a fluke, the Cardinals are a decent team.” They are decent, but they are not going back to the Super Bowl. Not … gonna … happen.
Hug: “Put up or shut up time for Alex Smith. It may not be his fault due to lack of stability in the coaching department, but he will have to play better for this team to be successful. Arizona has added stability in their running game with Chris Wells, and will still be a threat with Kurt Warner passing. If there is a weakness for the Cardinals it is most likely pass defense. I would not worry too much though, their offense can score more than anyone.” Shaun Hill’s parents are absolutely furious with this comment. I expect several nasty letters and e-mails from them in the coming days.
Lay: “Picking the 49ers was cheating. Virtual Jerry Rice was about as stoppable as Bart's anus after 20 volcano tacos.” Best of luck topping that for QOTW. It’s already signed sealed and delivered to Nick Lay.
Barnes: “’They Don't Care About Us’ - Honestly, do you really care about this game? Do you honestly think either of these teams will win the Super Bowl? I rest my case.” Did you forget that Seattle was playing St. Louis? This song should be the NFC West’s theme.
Justin: “Super Bowl Loser Syndrome: Losers of previous SB are 3-12 in their first game the following season. 49ers 28-24.” I did not know that. And, it’s a bit surprising.
Woody: “At this point I actually feel bad for San Francisco's fans, but not bad enough to pick them.” I blame the NFL. Fix the rookie’s salary. It’s getting absurd. Just adopt the NBA’s rookie rule. It works.
Chewy: “Can their defense perform like they did in the playoffs last year? I hope so.” Based off of Justin’s facts, I think we have our answer.
Tynan: “Super Bowl loser curse.” What about the Madden curse?
Hunt: “Long as Kurt Warner is healthy I think they can really put up some points. Which means I can safely pick them for at least week one.” Or at least the first play of the first quarter of the first week.
Taylor: “The Super Bowl Runner-Ups come out strong and beat up on the 49ers. The Ageless Wonder, Kurt Warner throws two TD’s to Larry Fitzgerald and another to Anquan Boldin. Beanie Wells hurts his toe and is out for the year. San Fran Coach Mike Singletary calls out Wells and tells him to quit being such a school boy bitch. Hey, the same week Wells goes down with an injury, OSU gets MURDERED by USC.” Do all Bengals fans have such extraordinary minds?
Brian: “Good run last year, Zona. But to me, you are still like Eli Manning. You had one good stretch of four games. You aren't elite yet. Eli hasn't proven it, and I don't think the Cards will either.
And hey, if you want a good time, google Mike Singletary's images. He has the best facial expressions. And most of these expressions are when he is in his element...the football field. Imagine the face he would make when his daughter tells him she is pregnant or when someone bumps into him while walking on a sidewalk. I want to be his personal photographer.” I love this comparison, and think we should give it a name. The Eli Manning Group. You were great for a month, but you were just okay before that stretch, and you’ve been okay ever since.
Smitty: “I like San Fran this year and they could be a breakout team with their WINNERS! I think a combination of the Super Bowl hangover and madden curse keeps the Cardinals from covering.” There’s the Madden Curse mention. Thank you Smitty. Leave it to the college kid to have the video-game remark.
Fiz: “Last time the Niners played the Cardinals, Mike Singletary pulled down his pants during halftime to tell his team they were getting their pants beat off. So when the Niners fall behind big again, will Singletary rip his shirt off Hulk Hogan-style and coach the rest of the game in his boxers?” Didn’t the New York Mets GM get fired because of this? And no, I’m not talking about Steve Philips.
WASHINGTON REDSKINS @ NEW YORK GIANTS (-6.5)
Too many points to take the Giants. I see this game being close, and wouldn’t be totally surprised if the Redskins won. Clinton Portis usually doesn’t shut it down until week seven or so.
My Pick: WAS (+6.5)
Devin: “Want to see NYG passing game without Burress. If I remember it was brutal last season.” It’s the reason they drafted Hakeen Nicks in the first round, and it’s the reason they were rumored trading for Braylon Edwards.
Jeff: “One of these years Washington will have a team. Is Daniel Snyder related to Art Modell?” Touche.
Hug: “Interesting match-up here. The Giants are one of those teams that often do just enough, or keep it close. Washington is up and down and hard to figure out.” Everyone thinks the NFC East is Philly’s to lose, but I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if any of those teams would win it. No other division can say that.
Lay: “If I didn't pick the Giants, LT and his bloodshot eyes were going to attack my blind side and permanently damage my spine.” Which brings me to my next point, don’t smoke crack.
Barnes: “’The Way You Make Me Feel’ - This is just the start of what will be an overload of NFC East games that I will be forced to watch on FOX. How does that make me feel? Like punching Joe Buck in the face.” Solid QOTW candidate from Matt Barnes. Any time you reference punching Joe Buck in the face, you will qualify for a QOTW.
Woody: “Part of me wants to go the other way, thinking the ‘Skins will start hot again this year but away from home I can't do it.” Woody seems to be abiding by the home-team rule. Historically this should help him, but we shall see.
Chewy: “I think Washington will have a great season, but the G’Men should be too much for them at home.” If Washington stays healthy, they should compete for the NFC East. They can win that division, you heard it here first.
Tynan: “The Redskins will surprise all and win that division.” But you didn’t hear it from him first.
Hunt: “I'm too entirely ready to see the Eli face in this game. And yes, he IS my fantasy QB in my biggest money league. Poop.” Where’s Bart??
Brian: “I'm waiting for the Albert Haynesworth injury. I'll say by week six. And the Skins may just flat out say he's giving up football because he got his big contract. As for the Giants, Osi is back, so their D will be great.” After watching Tennessee on Thursday, I don’t think the Titans miss Albert much.
Fiz: “I'm a fan of the Redskins' front seven. If the Giants still had Burress and Toomer, I'd pick them to cover, but with the uncertainty at receiver, I don't think the G-Men have enough offense to beat Washington by more than seven.” For all those who picked Washington, myself included, you realize we are all backing Jason Campbell. Not the best situation possible.
ST. LOUIS RAMS @ SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (-7.5)
In the ‘Not Going To Watch Even Though I Have NFL Sunday Ticket’ game of the week, I‘ll take the points.
My Pick: STL (+7.5)
Devin: “I think St. Louis is the worst team in the NFL, and by worst I mean the second worst behind TB.” Luckily D-Frank has Notre Dame to fall back on. Let’s hope by the time this gets published that train hasn’t derailed.
Jeff: “Only because anyone can beat St. Louis right now.” Somewhere Alex Lucius is screaming that even France could beat St. Louis.
Hug: “The Rams are another team coming off of a pathetic season and will have to try and figure out how to right the ship. The Seahawks are a strong contender and have great home-field advantage.” I would file the Rams and the Seahawks under “Coming off of a Pathetic Season.” Seattle only won four games last season.
Lay: “This was tricky since both teams sucked. Neither team has an impact player on either side of the ball, unless you include Kevin Greene for the Rams, but he rushed from the wrong side of the screen. Seattle gets the nod because of Dave Kreig.” What do you get when you add Dave Kreig, Bobby Humphrey, and Andre Ware? No not herpes. You get the greatest NFL video game of all-time.
Barnes: “’Wanna Be Startin' Somethin’ - Both these teams are hoping to start a winning season with this conference match-up. Last year was an awful year for both, thanks to injuries, not coaching.” Not sure if I completely agree with Barnes. Scott Linehan inherited a decent team and turned them into a complete mess. Jim Haslett didn’t do much to help his cause after Linehan was fired.
Woody: “Seattle is the comeback team of the year. Big spread but the Hoosh is loose in the Northwest kids.” That last sentence sounds like a convicted child molester is on the prowl in Seattle.
Tynan: “The Rams do nothing for me.” You heard it here first.
Hunt: “Not sure what the hell kind of line this is, but I'm taking the Seahawks based on Torry Holt's departure. And when an aging veteran is your reason, that doesn't leave much for the rest of the team now does it. By the way, Marc Bulger ... NOT my sleeper pick this year, like last. Wow.” Translation: PICK THE RAMS!! PICK THE RAMS!! DRAFT BULGER!!
Brian: “Most difficult place to play in the NFL. After the Sonics left, the Mariners sucked and the Seahawks were terrible for the first 14 games, the place was still rocking when the Seahawks beat the Favre Jets. Rough start to your coaching career, Spags.” Throw in how good the team we shall not name will be with Kevin Durant leading the way, and Seattle is just plain miserable.
Fiz: “I just have a feeling the Rams won't play as badly as they did last season.” They would have to be Detroit Lions bad in order to be any worse.
CHICAGO BEARS @ GREEN BAY PACKERS (-3.5)
Hardest game to pick of the week. Both teams looked solid in the preseason. Both teams have high expectations. Both teams believe their QB play will be better than a year ago. I will take the points and hope for a close game.
My Pick: CHI (+3.5)
Devin: “I have Chicago in the Super Bowl, which means they will finish 7-9. I have this figured out.” Eh, don’t we all?
Jeff: “Not sure how good or bad the Bears are, but the Pack should score some points.” That wasn’t the problem with Green Bay last year. Their problem was stopping people. I remember a certain MNF game where Drew Brees and Lance Moore hooked up about five times in the end zone.
Hug: “We have a good quarterback match-up here. Aaron Rodgers versus Jay Cutler. Bears fans are stoked by this acquisition and I bet they are already crying Super Bowl shuffle. Green Bay has a really nice offense but their defense is suspect to say the least. I think this could be the game of the week.” There’s a reason NBC has this game. Good to see Cris Collinsworth is the best color analyst out there, and I’m looking forward to hearing him every week.
Lay: “Bob Nelson.” If one name summed up the essence of Tecmo Super Bowl, it would be Bob Nelson. He only played three seasons in the NFL, but was arguably the most dominant defensive player in the game. Go figure.
Barnes: “‘Will You Be There’ - Will Jay Cutler be the saving grace for the Bears? Will the Bears defense improve under Rod Marinelli? Will Aaron Rodgers continue to get better? Will the Packers pick up the 3-4 defense quickly?” So Michael Jackson wrote a song named “I’ll Be There” AND “Will You Be There?”
Justin: “Rivalry game that could go either way. Bears have won 6 of last 8. Bears 24-17.” I love taking points in rivalry games.
Woody: “Homer pick. Pack is sure to cover as long as Rodgers keeps the porno stash.” Last I heard he was shaving it, but you are right Woody, he would be smart to keep it.
Chewy: “I will take Matt Forte and Jay Cutler together any day.” Could we see Chewy transfer to Chicago if Denver struggles mightily?
Tynan: “Luke and Kevin jump ship on the Browns by 2pm and can't wait to root on their hometown team. Cutler is good, but Rodgers may be the most underrated player out there today.” Rodgers the most underrated player out there? Have you not heard of Brett Favre?!?
Hunt: “As my friend and games-picking partner Ken Jones would say, ‘Back the Pack cause the Pack is Back!!’ And it's the most relevant this year than it has been in years past with that one dude leading the team at quarterback. And how has there not been a t-shirt made that substitutes the word ‘fart’ for ‘Favre’ ?? Are fart jokes really out of the public realm??” I will leave Bart to answer that question.
Brian: “I love the Packers. LOVE the Packers. I think they are Super this season. This should be one of the best games of the weekend.” Completely agree. Barnes should have used this one as his ‘Thriller’ contest.
BUFFALO BILLS @ NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (-11.5)
Please bring back the Eff You Patriots. The ones who would see four touchdown spreads. I want them back. Especially since they don’t play the Brownies this year.
My Pick: NE (-11.5)
Devin: “Please survive Brady!” How many more rules are we going to change for Tom Brady? I like the guy and all, but every time something happens to him, the NFL changes a rule. I’m still bitter about the Tuck Rule. And so is Charles Woodson.
Jeff: “Ralph Wilson might have to give up on this team. Maybe he will be fired next.” If gambling were legal, I would put my money on Dick Jauron being the first head coach fired this year.
Hug: “Tom Brady is back, which means so are the Patriots. Even without him they were good, now they will be crazy good, again.” Huggy Bear is referring to the team formerly known as the Eff You Patriots.
Lay: “I won a Super Bowl with the Patriots' reserves once, with the clinching play being a field goal from 73 yards with no time left on the clock. This is by far my most debatable pick by Super Tecmo Bowl standards, but personal experience trumps the direct snap to Thurman Thomas any day of the week.” Scratch the Bob Nelson summing up the essence of Tecmo Super Bowl. Lay’s story does it more justice.
Barnes: “‘Bad’ - The Bills are gonna be bad (in a bad way). The Patriots offense is gonna be bad (in a good way). This will be a bad (bad again) game to watch.” Unless you love New England of course.
Justin: “New England is too much for Buffalo. Pats 35-10.” K.I.S.S. Keep It Simple Stupid. Changed my life.
Woody: “I'm predicting the pre season long touchdown-less streak continues in week one for Buffalo. Who really thinks an aging prima-donna receiver takes them to the promised land? All that snow and Scott Norwood sadness has them losing their minds in Buffalo.” Thank you for the Scott Norwood reference. Might be on the outside looking in, but a QOTW candidate nonetheless.
Tynan: “The offense did nothing in the preseason and there is no reason to think this team can hang with the Pats. This is my ‘That Line is Too Good to Be True’ pick of the week.” Annnnd, finally, Tynan goes against the betting public. Just took until the 15th game of the week for him to pull the trigger. We will be keeping track of this pick throughout the season.
Hunt: “Hmmm, TO comes out less than a week before the season starts and says he's not a fan of the hurry-up offense they run. Look for time of possession in this game to be somewhere around 70/30 in favor of the Pats.” Hunt always seems to mix in ridiculous comments with knowledgeable NFL material. He is the Bill Walton of this league.
Brian: “This could be a shootout. Remember, through four weeks, Trent Edwards was your NFL MVP. TO will help him until week eight, then the controversy begins.” The only thing I remember about Trent Edwards last year was him being the last QB to lose to Cleveland.
SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (-8.5) @ OAKLAND RAIDERS
Is the NFL going to continue putting the Oakland Raiders on MNF to open the season? Did they learn nothing from last year?
My Pick: SD (-8.5)
Devin: “Did I say St. Louis was the worst?” Lots of bad teams on paper, but we should probably wait a couple weeks before we start the filtering process.
Jeff: “Oakland drafts worse than any team in the NFL. JaMarcus Russell a 1st round pick?? LOL!” Mike Mitchell in the 2nd Round falls under that category.
Hug: “Finally, my love and love-to-hate Oakland Raiders. What is the over/under on someone getting beat up this game? Will they get punched or choked? Seriously though, I cannot trust this Oakland team. They finished off last year like a decent NFL team, but they have had a mediocre preseason to say the least. San Diego is in the very capable hands of Norv Turner, a proven .500 coach that can take any decent team, and make them underachieve. The advantage Turner has now is the turmoil that is the AFC West, so maybe he will not screw this one up. All that being said, Oakland has played awful in their season openers recently, and until they prove me wrong, I will not trust them just yet.” You need to be more specific on the ‘someone getting beat up.’ Are we including Raiders coaches and personnel?
Lay: “Leslie O'Neal was an absolute FREAK in this game, and The Whale's Vagina had Marion Butts. Also, the Raiders QB was Jay Schroeder. Pretty sure he's albino, which creeps me out. While Bo Knows Football, Bo Also Knows Hip Replacement Surgery.” Going to be tough for Lay to top this week’s comments, but I’m positive he is up to the task. Well done sir.
Barnes: “‘ABC’ - It's gonna be easy as 1,2,3 for the Chargers to score on the Raiders. The Chargers are the superior team and they won't be afraid to show that in front if a national TV audience.” I have Philip Rivers on one fantasy team, and L.T. on the other. Let’s hope Barnes is right.
Justin: “Public deserves to win this one for those who stay up this late on Monday night for a Raiders game. Chargers 42-14.” It can’t be any worse than last year could it?
Woody: “Oakland with the points. Again I have no idea what's compelling me to do this. In week one I pick two of the worst teams in the league, Oakland and Detroit. Your long odds of me winning this league are looking good right about now Luke.” Woody takes the home team AND takes the points. As I type this, only Woody and one other person has taken San Diego.
Chewy: “I hate Oakland.” Again, spoken like a true Bronco fan.
Tynan: “The line won't hold on this one either and I'll even go as far as picking the Raiders to win. I'm not on the Chargers bandwagon this season.” Someone make sure Al Davis hasn’t killed Tynan and made his picks this week. Goodness. There’s going out on a limb, and then there’s falling off a cliff.
Hunt: “Your momma's so ugly she makes Al Davis look like his name should be nicknamed, ‘Mc Wet Dreamy.’” I heart my friends.
Brian: “You know how in Madden franchises, you can trade your first round pick for a team's first, second and third round picks? And you know how you thought that wasn't realistic? Well, it is. Al Davis is the computer owner of every team in Madden when you have a franchise.” Brian has a QOTW contender. Very strong first week.
Smitty: “Oakland has to be the biggest joke of a professional franchise ever. Al Davis and Donald Sterling must be best friends.” Add one more QOTW possibility. Well done Smitty.
Fiz: “Shawne Merriman must've misread the memo from Chargers headquarters: choking can only be done in December and January. The only reason I watch this game is to see if Ohio's Mike Mitchell sees any time at safety.” Breaking news: Mike Mitchell will be the starting QB. JaMarcus Russell seems okay with the move.
SPECIAL COLUMNS
Chew On This - Vol. II - Num. I
By: Andrew Reinhart
I will be starting off the year with a series of off-season lineman bloopers. Here is an excerpt from Cleveland.com on possibly the most overrated player ever to play at OSU, Alex Boone. It speaks for itself.
"Boone, the former All-Big Ten tackle at Ohio State and star at St. Edward, was arrested late Sunday night in Aliso Viejo, Calif., after a drunken outburst in which police allege the 6-foot-8, 312-pounder was jumping up and down on the hoods of cars, attempted to smash the window of a tow truck and then fled police and had to be tasered twice in order to be subdued. "
Imagine ...
I hope that his treatment for alcoholism following this incident was successful. He was signed as a free agent onto the 49ers’ roster and then cut.
IN THE ZONE
…WHERE YOU, TOO, CAN BE NAMED CAPTAIN OF THE VIKINGS AFTER TWO WEEKS
By: Jason Fazzone“Your team got lucky the other night.”
That’s all I’ve been hearing in the 48 hours since the Steelers opened the 2009 season with a 13-10 overtime victory over the Titans.
No, the Steelers didn’t get lucky. It’s hard to luck out in a game in which you out-gain your opponent and throw for 363 yards on a secondary regarded as one of the league’s best last season. Yes, it was nice to see Rob Bironas miss an easy 36-yard field goal attempt, but Aaron Smith got great penetration on his block of Bironas’ second attempt of the game.
Tennessee got lucky to get a chance to win an overtime coin toss after Hines Ward fumbled at the Tennessee 4-yard-line when a simple fall to the turf would’ve sealed the game in regulation. (However, I am kinda pissed Ward didn’t score, screwing me out of the win against the spread.)
Anyway, a quick breakdown of the good, the bad and the ugly from Thursday night:
The good: The pre-game festivities were great, although not nearly as extravagant as the celebration of the fifth Super Bowl title in 2006. The crowd was pretty solid, although not up to the level it was during last year’s AFC Championship Game. Ben Roethlisberger was extraordinary through the air after a shaky start. The defense was its usual self, making numerous big stops to keep the Titans’ offense at bay, with the exception of that touchdown drive at the end of the first half. And oh, yeah, Fergie was definitely not wearing any underwear during the pre-game concert.
The bad: Troy Polamalu probably won’t play until sometime in October after spraining his MCL on Smith’s field goal block. His playmaking ability will definitely be missed for the next few weeks (his stop on Chris Johnson on the first drive was awesome, and the one-handed interception deep in Steelers territory was simply insane). However, Tyrone Carter has been a solid backup in the past, so the Steelers shouldn’t be hurt too much by Polamalu’s injury unless Carter were to go down as well.
The ugly: The running game, plain and simple. Willie Parker and Rashard Mendenhall just ran scared as they got to the line of scrimmage, therefore neither of them were effective at all. With Mewelde Moore picking up where he left off last season, I would not be surprised to see Moore starting by midseason. This much is certain: this is Parker’s last season as a Steeler, and the 2008 Steelers draft class (which also featured Limas Sweed, who seemingly lost his grip on the No. 3 receiver spot to Mike Wallace) has gotten one week closer to being deemed an absolute failure.
With the Steelers not playing until next Sunday, a preview of the Bears game will just have to wait for next week’s edition. In the meantime, here are some other things I’ve been thinking about lately:
Sorry, Charlie (and Luke and Kevin): I have to bring this up because there was a debate on my Facebook wall a few weeks ago over how Notre Dame would do this season. But are you guys regretting getting rid of Tyrone Willingham yet? I’m pretty positive good ol’ Ty wouldn’t have called two passing plays on Notre Dame’s final possession. Tate Forcier looks like the real deal, and Rich Rodriguez is slowly pulling himself off the hook after last season’s disaster.
Go Browns…kind of: I write this only because I want to see Brett Favre’s leg mangled before this season ends. I don’t care who does it, but they’ll earn a soft spot in my heart for the rest of time.
I suck at forming fantasy sports leagues: My fantasy basketball league tanked last season. My fantasy college football league never got off the ground this season. I think I’m just going to let the pros run the show from now on.
I didn’t suck at drafting my fantasy team this year: Adrian Peterson, Tom Brady, TO, Santonio Holmes, Jason Witten, Jeremy Shockey and the Steelers defense…on one team in a 14-team league. Holmes had a great night for me on Thursday…a win this week is a mere formality.
I’m looking forward to reading Lay’s Tecmo Super Bowl-related picks: Anyone who uses the greatest console football game of all-time to make their picks is a genius in my book. I just hope QB Bills, QB Eagles and QB Browns get some kind of mention. Oh, yeah, and that Bo Jackson character.
Enjoy the first week of the NFL season, everyone…and go Steelers.
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Okay, that wraps up this massive column. Our picks will have their own separate post, and it will be up closer to 1 PM EST. Enjoy the games, and I hope you enjoyed this novel.
Big thanks to those who wrote comments, especially those who used a theme. Also, a shout-out to those who wrote a special section, or for those who did a special pick, it's what this league is all about.
Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."
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