Thankfully, you guys made it easy for the KOA this week. Nearly everyone had a theme, so I decided to declare this Theme Week for ATS. In doing so, I used a song that mimics my favorite "theme."
NBA on NBC is my all-time favorite theme song, so it's no surprise that Nelly's, "Heart Of A Champion" is the week three tune.
Here are all of our league member's themes:
1) Nick Lay - Cleveland Browns Suck
2) Matt Barnes - Advertising Slogans
3) Kevin Hunt - Back To What I Know
4) Eric Hug - Cheesy Jokes That May Actually Be Funny
5) Chris Woodard - Which QB Would Win In A Beer-Drinking Contest?
6) Bart Borer - Large And In Charge
Okay the last one is made up, but the first five are legit.
As you will see, this column is significantly shorter than the past two weeks. You can expect more of the same as we go on. After much thought and debate, we have decided to cut comments to make for an easier reading experience.
This may deter some of you from sending in comments, but hopefully it won't. There are some rumblings about doing a Monday Leftovers column, which would have the rest of the comments that did not make Sunday's cut-off. Stay tuned.
Go tell a friend to tell a friend. The Week Three ATS Column is here.
KANSAS CITY @ PHILADELPHIA (-9.5)
Barnes: “‘So easy, a caveman can do it’ - All Andy Reid has to do to win this game is put 11 players on the field. Hell, he could probably just put ten out there and beat the Chiefs.” Week after week, Matt Barnes amazes me with his ability to put together a theme and effectively deliver. Three weeks in, he is approaching the 2007 New England Patriots zone.
Spider: “With Cap Rooney still recovering from a rib injury, the door is open for Steamin' Willie Beamen to make his debut and electrify the home crowd. When did Al Pacino get so fat?” Ladies and Gentlemen, I give to you … Jeff Schaffer. Enjoy.
Shane: “The Eagles have four quarterbacks and two running backs that would start for the Chiefs ... watch them lose and make me look like an idiot.” The beauty of the NFL.
Hunt: “What do I know? I know I made the rule that I'd take the Chefs whenever they can cook who they're playing. Took them last week, but they were playing the Raiders. You can't cook a Raider!” Hannibal Lecter would argue that point Hunt.
Brian: “Michael Vick's comments this week were pathetic. He expected to come out of jail and start? His comments should be the motivation behind an invisible fence that shocks people when they say something stupid. Wait, would that help or hurt his new public stance against dog fighting? I don't know, just like I don't know a legitimate excuse for picking Kansas City three straight weeks.” Only person I remember coming out of jail and starting was Jamal Lewis. Unfortunately for the 2009 Browns, they would like to have the jailed-Jamal Lewis right now, because the current version is slower than molasses.
WASHINGTON (-6.5) @ DETROIT
Barnes: “‘Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman’ - The NFL is a game made for men but these two teams are the exception. They're like the RuPauls of the NFL.” Not going to lie, the first time I heard that commercial I was quite confused if I was allowed to use that deodorant. Not going to lie, I still am.
Woody: “I'm picturing the lean Jason Campbell as more of a Hennessy and Coke guy. Fresh out of college in South I'm guessing Stafford can still beer bong with the best of them.” Yes, this is how he picked his games for the entire week. Believe it.
Smitty: “I think I’ve decided to do the exact opposite of common reason and take the Lions until they win. I don’t know why. It makes no sense to me, and I hate that the Lions are a popular pick this week. But it’s gotta happen sometime, why not now?” No it doesn’t have to happen, and personally, I would love if the Lions went 0-16 again. Who said that couldn’t happen?
Hug: “A man places two Lions’ tickets on his windshield for the game, free for anyone to take. When he comes back to his car, four more Lions’ tickets have emerged.” This joke could also apply to the Browns, Chiefs, and the entire NFC West.
Brian: “I never thought I'd say this, but I think too many people are liking Detroit in this game. Just pick against the Lions until they win. You'll be happy you did.” I’m with Boesch. All the Redskins need is to win by a touchdown. Just one.
GREEN BAY (-6.5) @ ST. LOUIS
Barnes: “‘The Quicker Picker Upper’ - No better team to play after a bad loss than the Rams. Or the Browns. Or the Calvert Senecas.” Barnes has too many QOTW honors that it should just be inferred at this point.
Lay: “St. Louis and the Browns have given new meaning to the word ‘putridity.’ Not sure if that word exists or not. If it doesn't, it does now, and solely for the purpose of the Rams and Browns. It's no coincidence that the Rams were founded in Cleveland.” Nick Lay admitted to be stressed for time this week in making comments, but this one shows he works well under pressure.
Spider: “My confidence in the Packers is pretty shaken after last week, but they're playing the Rams. Even Az-Zahir Hakim's blinding speed couldn't save this team.” We all know how bad the Lions are, but did you know that Hakim scored the very first TD in Ford Field? There is a fact I will never forget.
Woody: “No contest. Aaron Rodgers is in Wisconsin now. They won't even give you a driver's license here if you can't shotgun a six-pack. And does anyone else think Marc Bulger looks like he's never taken a sip?” Bulger is classically under-rated in Woody’s analogy. Here’s why. First, he was born in Pittsburgh. Nothing to do but drink. Second, he went to West Virginia. Nothing to do but drink. Three, he is 6 ft. 3 in. and weighs 210. I’d actually take Bulger in this proverbial match-up.
Hug: “Aaron Rodgers has a ‘stache’ of TDs stored up for this game.” Did you just steal material from Jimmy Fallon?
SAN FRANCISCO @ MINNESOTA (-6.5)
Smitty: “Somehow Brandin Bursa ended up at my house in Cincinnati this weekend so I decided he had to get in on the picks. With the first Brandin Bursa Shockrocker Pick Of The Week, he likes the Niners because AP never runs well against them. I have to agree. Adrian Peterson is finally getting banged up. I’ve been calling this since he entered the league, so I’m excited. SF’s D is better than people realize, and Brett Favre is still dead. Bursa declares it and I agree.” Sadly, this is the first pick Brandin Bursa has ever made. Sad because he signed up for the league last year. This better become a weekly pick.
Barnes: “‘Nothing Runs Like A Deere’ - Gore and Peterson will carry the ball 90% of the game. The other 10% won't be important, kind of like the end of the 2009 Indians season.” Sayonara Eric Wedge. And good riddance.
Shane: “How come noooobody ever brings up Peterson's fumble problems? The dude fumbles every game and always during key drives? How can the ‘best’ running back in football cough it up that much? Remember when LT was the man, dude never dropped the rock.” I brought this comparison up last week. If I had the choice between LT-prime and AP-prime, I’m taking LT. Hands down.
Woody: “Hate to go with Brett but if there's one thing we all know about the guy ... he can handle his beer. I don't care how long he's been sober ... drinking is like riding a bike ... once you start stealing pills from your teammates and washing them down with beers and the likes of Frankie ‘bag o' donuts’ Winters and Mark ‘the molester’ Chmura you never forget how.” How about those nick-names? Whoa.
Hunt: “I don't think T-Pain ever had originality with ‘I'm on a Boat.’ He heard about it after the Vikings party boat incident. You know, when Brett Favre was 35.” Kevin looking for back-to-back QOTW honors.
Hug: “The Vikings lead at halftime, then Brett Favre craps his pants in the third quarter, and Mike Singletary eats it to prove a point to the rest of his team. This random act of courage prompts San Francisco to victory.” Three weeks in and we already have had six Singletary’s butt jokes. God I love the NFL. And this league.
Brian: “For the sake of every fan, please, Roger Goodell, force Mike Singletary and Brett Favre into the same room for about an hour before the game. Singletary could make Favre humble. And if he can't, then there is no hope. Vernon Davis looks like Cartman from South Park after the Dog Whisperer puts him in line. Singletary could do it, too.” One of my favorite South Park episodes ever is when the Dog Whisperer makes an appearance. Classic.
TENNESSEE @ NEW YORK JETS (-2.5)
Barnes: “‘Only you can prevent forest fires’ - The Titans need to win this game to save their season. For once, their defense may show up.” Absolutely must-win for Tennessee. History says so.
Spider: “Chris Johnson scored 46 fantasy points against me last week and the Titans still lost. Stupid.” If you had C. Johnson, Gore or A. Johnson you weren’t losing in fantasy last week.
Woody: “I like Mark Sanchez and all but there is something about a pretty boy like him that stands no chance against a steel belt, weathered old man like Kerry Collins. Again, I don't mean to condone something like alcoholism or drunk driving, but in this case they are factors I must weigh ... riding a bike. Strictly going by the theme here. And just for a quick look at history ... I'll guarantee Warren Moon's time in Canada taught him to slam a mean Labatt.” Let's see if Woody can continue with the Warren Moon references for 14 more weeks. I'm intrigued to say the least.
Brian: “Here's a quote from Step Brothers that describes the relationship between Mark Sanchez and ESPN (slightly altered): That's the most amazing thing I've ever [seen]. Um, I want you to know that tonight I'm gonna pleasure myself to the image of [Mark Sanchez beating the Patriots].” Step Brothers is mildly under-rated. I’ve watched it three times, and every time I watch it I laugh a little bit more. “It’s SHARK WEEK!”
Jeff: “Frank Sinatra might be singing the Super Bowl song soon, "New York, New York"! (Giants vs. Jets)” While that would be an intriguing match-up, I just can’t help but think of the Subway Series. And that was awful.
ATLANTA @ NEW ENGLAND (-4.5)
Barnes: “‘You're In Good Hands’ - Both teams have QBs that make minimal mistakes. Hmm, when's the last time the Browns had one of those?” His name was Vinny Testaverde and we hardly knew ye.
Spider: “Tough one to pick ... still less-than-thrilled with the Falcons' secondary, but fairly confident in Matt Ryan being a better quarterback with more weapons than Mark Sanchez.” Why isn’t more being made of Tom Brady looking sub-par since his major knee injury. We are just one more Brady-bad game away from Tiger Woods calling him lazy (ala Ernie Els).
Shane: “What the hell happened to the F-You mentality Belicheck used to have? The hoodied genius has gone soft, either that or Brady really isn't back to his old form.” I’m going with the latter. You should to.
Hunt: “Score will be 75-62. Tony Gonzalez and Ben Watson will dominate. Troy Aikman will make 1,700 Moose Johnston references. Joe Buck will wonder when the World Series begins.” I’ll take Things That Only Happen In Kevin Hunt’s mind for $500 Alex.
Smitty: “Another tough game to decide. I think this has all the makings of a Patriot statement game. Brady has had another game to get things together and everyone is claiming the Patriots are dead. I think those tales are greatly exaggerated.” You and me both.
Hug: “Tom Brady throws a pass, runs down the field to catch his own ball, then a defensive pass interference call gets called on Atlanta. You can find this rule in Section: 1A.2B.cc..4a5-49—442.f-you.-patriots.” I actually like the Brady and the Pats, but this is so true.
JACKSONVILLE @ HOUSTON (-4.5)
Barnes: “‘Snap, Crackle, Pop’ - Jack del Rio's coaching career started with this sound. But he's been in the milk so long now, he's just getting soggy.” Barnes has been close to the QOTW honors twice, but now it may appear he’s ready to take it home.
Spider: “Not sure what to make of either of these teams, but the Texans' offense actually showed up last week. Plus I can't get over how horrible the Jacksonville receiving corps is.” Somewhere Anthony Tynan is glowing.
Shane: “Shane's Slick Pick of the Week: I currently have a man-crush on Matt Schaub after last week's performance. I always liked the Texans logo when they came into the league, and now I finally like their team.” If anyone saw Shane’s web-TV performance from earlier this week, they would agree with me that Shane looked pretty slick. I’d like to think he was thinking of us the entire time.
Woody: “David Garrard strictly on size. It has to take at least an 18er to get that guy drunk.” First - and maybe only - time this season that David Garrard can call himself a winner.
Hunt: “I have no clue how the Colts were held down in week one versus the Jags. Arizona had their way last week. Andre Johnson showed why he is dominant. And I'm still not over the idea that Houston's team is called the Texans. That'd be like the Green Bay Wisconsinites. Or the Seattle Washingtonians. Or the Toronto Ontarioinites. (Canadian football in the NFL is coming)” Yes, these are my friends.
NEW YORK GIANTS (-6.5) @ TAMPA BAY
Barnes: “‘Have It Your Way’ - Eli will have his way with the awful Tampa defense. Kind of like Jessica does with Luke.” And I couldn’t be happier.
Hug: “Is that Eli Manning or did I just see my 12 year old cousin? Just kidding Eli, you were great in Home Alone 3.” Eric Hug making a strong push for QOTW honors.
Spider: “My misguided faith in the Bucs being decent stops here. Why would this team ever do well?” I don’t know much, but I know Tampa is bad.
Woody: “Eli Manning may be the last quarterback in the League I'd want on my team in a case race. Byron Leftwich on the other hand may just handle 20 cheap High Life Lights on his own.” Taking a page out of Nick Lay’s book. Byron Leftwich:quarterbacks what High Life Light:beer.
Jeff: “Sing it Frank!” Can’t go wrong with multiple Sinatra references in one week. Jeff has a good omen going right now.
Brian: “The economy is bad. Tampa Bay should shut down its football-firing ship this season to save money. It won't be needed much, especially in this one.” Brian missed out on the top-ten QOTW in week two, but it appears he’s looking to appear multiple times one week later.
CLEVELAND @ BALTIMORE (-13.5)
Barnes: “‘Friends Don't Let Friends Drive Drunk’ - Apparently, Donte Stallworth has no friends. I mean, Ray Lewis stabbed a guy but his friends didn't let him drive drunk. That's being responsible.” Three times Barnes has referenced Ray Lewis killing a guy. Which is only two more than the number of people Ray-Ray has stabbed.
Lay: “If this spread was 33.5, I'd think about taking the Browns. Unfortunately, they suck.” Can’t argue with that reasoning.
Spider: “Yikes, just yikes.” Enough said.
Smitty: “OW…OWW. Browns. Awful. Head. Hurting. So Bad. Ravens, Still. Good. Art Modell, evil bastard. Must die. Ravens will still cover. OWWW.” Yep.
Shane: “Holy bloodbath! Cover your eyes! Remember when the Browns had Ken Dorsey and every defense looked like the 2001 Ravens? I have a funny feeling Brady Quinn isn't going to fare that much better.” Agreed.
Woody: “Wow, this one is tough. I'm going to go ahead and go with Brady Quinn for three reasons. 1) muscle mass 2) a story I heard about him getting smashed, crashing his car into a tree on campus at Notre Dame and the cops covering it up and 3) is there anything else to do during his free time in Cleveland besides drink beer?” Nope.
Hunt: “I know the whole idea of ATS is to pick up on trends. I'm not sure I ever will, but I'm hoping this is one of them. I'm honing my inner Gus Johnson and saying that he'll call a close game (within ten points) every week. I hope this is his year for great calls in NFL games. We shall see.” Not this week.
Hug: “No punch line necessary.” None.
Brian: “The Indians season ended in about 5 days. The Browns season was done in 8. And the Cavs' season lasted about 2 weeks (because the regular season and the first two rounds were tune-ups...nothing more). Thanks Cleveland.” Sounds about right.
Jeff: “Sounds like there is better hitting going on in the Browns locker room than on the field.” QOTW nominee.
CHICAGO (-2.5) @ SEATTLE
Brian: DINGDINGDINGDINGDING. Ladies and gentleman, it's time for the F'd Up Pick of the Week. By the way, after two weeks, the F'd Up pick is 1-1. Today brings another toss-up game for me. But I would lean toward Chicago. But let's see how it will go down the F'd Up way (road team goes first).
Roll #1: Early lead for Cutler and company. 7-5 CHI.
Roll #2: All knotted up at 12 after two, as the Seahawks respond.
Roll #3: A huge effort by the Bears on roll three. A 10-spot for the Bears, just 5 for the Seahawks. 22-17 CHI.
Roll #4: A pair of 7s for both sides. Bears still up 5. 29-24 CHI.
Roll #5: Chicago with their biggest lead of the game. 9-5 in the round, 38-29 CHI at the half.
Roll #6: The lead is in double-digits now after an 8-7 round. 46-36 CHI.
Roll #7: The Bears D came to play today. Another roll win for the Bears, this time 9-6. 55-42 CHI. By the way, we here at the F'd Up Sports Information Office would like to let you know that we haven't had an and-one in an incredible 20 rolls! I wish I could publish Game Notes before every F'd Up matchup. This is one thing I would do if days were 48 hours long.
Roll #8: This is getting ugly. Jay Cutler is the heel, and he has the steel chair and is pounding away at the Seahawks. Another ugly performance for a Seattle sports team. 9-5 in the round, 64-47 CHI.
Roll #9: I tried the John Adams drum rally, but it didn't work on this roll. Another round win for Chicago, 9-6. Up 73-53 with one round to go.
Roll #10: A 7 for CHI, followed by double 2's for SEA. All the Seahawks need is 12 consecutive 2s. The and-one...a 3. 80-60 is your final. Chicago is my pick.” Words can’t describe how much I love this idea. It wouldn’t do it justice.
Barnes: “‘Double Your Pleasure, Double Your Fun’ - Winner of this game doubles their win total. As far as pleasure and fun, they can just give a call to the Kardashians sisters.” It is polite tennis etiquette that when someone hits a shot that you can’t return to say, “Too Good.” Well as far as this quote is concerned. Too Good.
Spider: “The Bears leading kick returner and tackler is Danieal Manning. I'm not Shane (die hard Kansas Jayhawks fan), but that still seems like a good sign to me ... that and the possibility of playing against Seneca Wallace.” On August 31, 2002, Iowa State (led by Wallace) disposed of Kansas 45-3. Believe it.
Shane: “I kind of like rooting for Jay Cutler, especially after seeing the video where the referee knocked his helmet off his head.” I’ve liked Cutler for the last two seasons, and I have to say, it’s fun backing the guy.
Woody: “If ever there was a guy that seemed like ‘that cocky drunk ass hole’ it would be Jay Cutler. My apologies to Seneca Wallace. My girlfriend would argue all from Iowa State can slam their beer and I've witnessed a hell of a tailgate there ... but if there is one thing in the world I have confidence in Jay Cutler doing it's slamming a Heineken and being an ass hole.” For me, Cutler would be the guy the majority of your friends think is an ass-hole, but by the 3rd time drinking with him, you're convinced he's the coolest guy in the entire room.
Hunt: “Bear would win in Bear vs. Seahawk. I'm convinced.” Do Seahawks swim or fly? I’m confused.
NEW ORLEANS (-5.5) @ BUFFALO
Lay: “FACT: Drew Brees has thrown for more TDs this season than the Browns have thrown since 1973.” Lay attempting to grab QOTW honors for the second out of three weeks.
Barnes: “‘Finger Lickin' Good’ - Drew Brees has been finger lickin' good, like Buffalo Wings. Fun fact: did you know Buffalo Wings did not originate in Buffalo or are real buffalo? The more you know.” I’d bet my life that either Bart Borer or Alex Lucius knew that.
Shane: “You think I could play in the slot for the Saints - very Wes Welker Texas Tech-like and rack up I dunno, 5 catches in the 45-60 yards per game range?” If Mason Unck can play multiple seasons in the NFL, then yes Shane you could as well.
Woody: “In Buffalo you have the long cold winter, nothing else to do but get wasted factor ... In New Orleans you have the constant raging party factor. I'm going to go with the party and the fact that the way Drew Brees is rolling on the football field right now I would take him in any contest of any sort. He's hot.” Two words: Bourbon Street.
Smitty: “If I learned one thing this year, it’s take the Saints to cover. Drew Brees can sling it all over the place to anyone and it doesn’t appear that they will slow down, and even if they do a few times, I’ll take my odds on them to cover.” Got to love seeing the new members come in and pick up on trends after two weeks. In a weird way, reading this makes me feel like a proud father. But only for gambling purposes.
Jeff: “Brees only throws 2 Tds, a "terrible day" for the QB and Buffalo pulls off the upset.” Anthony Tynan would say, “and you heard it here first.”
MIAMI @ SAN DIEGO (-6.5)
Barnes: “‘Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids’ - Someone tell Miami that the wildcat isn't gonna win games. They may want to actually develop an offense too. Just a thought.” Over-rated cereal of the decade - Trix. I don't understand it at all.
Spider: “I still don't see much evidence that Chad Pennington is a great NFL starter. Maybe if Miami still had a target like O.J. McDuffie for him to throw to.” Super Duper Mark Duper would like a word with you Schaf.
Hunt: “Ballbuster Pick of the Week: favorite in the 12th game. It's 12:20 a.m. and this weekend is all about the favorites.” I’m expecting to hear Bob Seger all weekend long then.
Hug: “This is like Sea World vacation for the Dolphins.” Do Dolphins eat Chargers?
Brian: “There are blackouts in the NFL now, and it's understandable for some cities. But San Diego? Come on. The Chargers are a good team. Show up, Chargers fans.” Well it is named after a Whale’s Vagina.
Jeff: “Miami has the ball for 56 minutes … and loses!” That was pretty spectacular last week.
DENVER @ OAKLAND (-1.5)
Lay: “Josh McDaniels came from the same coaching tree as Eric Mangini and Romeo Crennel. How are the Broncos decent and the Browns remain shitty? Randy Lerner picks coaches as well as Lamar Odom chooses wives.” Randy Lerner picks coaches as well as Ray Charles picks color schemes for his house.
Barnes: “‘Think Outside The Bun’ - Seriously, the Broncos at 3-0 or Oakland at 2-1? You've got to do more than think outside the bun to believe either of those scenarios.” Romeo Crennel is so hungry after reading that.
Spider: “The Broncos opening three-week schedule is the biggest joke I've ever seen, with the possible exception of the Raiders being favored in a game.” Las Vegas is getting pounded on this one, as the line has moved three entire points, making Denver the favorites now.
Woody: “Kyle Orton, no question. Look at that beard. The guy looks like he just jumped down from his tree stand, wasted, after drinking Old Style's all day and throwing his cans in the air so he could shoot at them.” QOTW for incorporating Kyle Orton, his nasty beard, and Old Style all in one comment.
Hunt: “I feel like Vince Vaughn and Kyle Orton is Will Ferrell in the Anchorman scene where Vaughn (aka Wes Mantooth) says, ‘I hate you Ron Burgundy. But dammit do I respect you.’ Today we spell redemption K-Y-L-E.” All of a sudden, Kyle Orton could be on the QOTW board, not once, but twice. Go figure.
Brian: “Denver could be 3-0? And Tennessee could be 0-3? Gotta love the NFL.” Agreed.
PITTSBURGH (-3.5) @ CINCINNATI
Lay: “The only solace I've taken in the Browns being terrible is the fact that Cincy has been right there with them the entire way. At least the Browns show some effort and have had a handful of coaches the past decade instead of sticking with one inept jackass like Cincy.” I actually got to interview that jackass (Marvin Lewis) a couple years ago for Gridiron Glory. And up close … he’s kind of a jackass.
Barnes: “‘It takes a licking, but keeps on ticking’ - Carson Palmer should take a licking. The question is, will he keep on ticking or crawl into the fetal position?” Let’s hope it’s the latter. It would be a nice boost for next week’s game versus the Browns.
Woody: “I'm not a big fan of the Steelers but if there is any quarterback in the league that looks like he could walk into a basement keg party, grab a pitcher and drink everyone under the table it's Big Ben.” He’s number one on my board for this contest.
Hug: “Ochocinco goes Ocho Loco. The towels get stomped, but washed later in a Pepsi commercial.” Image is everything Huggy Bear.
Brian: “Mike Tomlin is so cool. He's even cooler because I like him so much despite being a Browns fan. It's irritating how cool he is.” Is it wrong that I do the same thing? I want to be Mike Tomlin when I get older.
INDIANAPOLIS @ ARIZONA (-2.5)
Barnes: “‘Good to the last drop’ - Just like Maxwell House coffee, Peyton Manning is good to the end. Arizona better not sleep on any lead they may get cause Peyton will pick them apart and take it back.” How can you NOT take Indy after last week? They barely had the ball and still won. They look like the 2nd best team in the AFC (behind Baltimore).
Lay: “THE CARDINALS MADE IT TO THE SUPER BOWL! THE CARDINALS! God the Browns suck. How do they make a Super Bowl before the Browns? Comparable to Meadow Soprano dating Turtle in real life.” Or Kenny Powers pitching in real life?
Spider: “I've got a bad feeling about both these teams after weeks one and two, kind of the the feeling you get when a team with Leon Williams, Jerome Tillman, Jeremy Fears and Mychal Green is being coached by Tim O'Shea.” How bad of a coach do you have to be to not win multiple MAC titles with that squad. Goodness.
Woody: “Going with the lesser of two evils here. Kurt Warner? No chance. I'm guessing the only alcohol he gets is at communion. I'm hoping Peyton Manning got some kind of quarters or boat race experience under his belt at Tennessee.” QOTW nominee, mainly for the Kurt Warner-communion line.
Smitty: “I don’t know if I’m just dumb, (very possible) but it baffles me that Arizona is the favorite in this game … Cut to Kurt Warner under center, a Narrator comes in: ‘You can go anywhere on your hover-round!’ HUT! Whirrrr….CRUNCH. ‘Oh, Oh my. This doesn’t look good for old man Warner, He’s gonna need a new hover-round and another prosthetic hip.’ Warner’s Agent: ‘Get Liberty Medical on the line! Brimley’s gotta die sometime.’” Yes, these are my friends.
Brian: “Imagine being Jim Sorgi. Your career highlight was when Peyton Manning was banged up in the 2007 AFC Championship Game and he said "Be Ready." But your readiness was never rewarded. However, you have a Super Bowl ring, and you "play" in the NFL. It's like he has the trophy wife, but he never actually gets to (well, you know...I don't want to ruin the reputation of the King of Argument's wonderful blog). Too bad for him.” Potential QOTW for the incredulous lead-in of, “Imagine being Jim Sorgi.” Even Jim Sorgi doesn’t want to be Jim Sorgi.
CAROLINA @ DALLAS (-9.5)
Barnes: “‘When you're here, you're family’ - That's right. When you're in that stadium, you're part of 100,000 people who come in excited but leave disappointed. Kind of like anyone who attends Miami (OH).” I really hope Nick Lay reads this. Not only did Barnes overtake him in the race for Gus Johnson, but he adds insult to injury by mocking his alma mater. Could we see the beginning of an ATS member feud? God I hope so.
Spider: “I don't think there's ever been a game with as much potential for quarterback failure as Romo v. Delhomme ... would 19 interceptions be a record? Someone tell Jerry Jones we're in a recession.” Schaffer finishes with a QOTW nominee. Solid week for Spider.
Shane: “Panther fans may punt Jake Delhomme off the giant scoreboard if he sucks yet again.” Taking a page out of Schaffer’s book, Shane finishes up week three with a QOTW possibility.
Woody: “In High School Romo stole a bottle of booze from my friend's stash because he passed out at his own party. A dick move no doubt, and part of the reason I think he's a douche, but at least it shows a desire to drink. And Jake Delhomme would probably drop every can he tried to drink or miss his mouth and pour it down his shirt.” Thank you Woody for more Romo material. Please keep these coming.
Hunt: “Game two at big dome. Bill Simmons calls it ‘Death Star.’ Romo is homo.” Second haiku of the season for Hunt. They have both ended the same, but I don’t think anyone in this league will be complaining.
Brian: “I was drinking last night, and someone brought up the grandma from Wedding Crashers and the "situation" scene. Everyone kept saying "You're a homo", trying to impersonate the grandma. That made me think about Tony Romo. Can't pick him after that. I need a week hiatus from the Cowboys.” I couldn’t think of a better way to end this week’s comments than with back-to-back Romo-Homo references. It’s what defines this league.
For the special sections (Po's Knowledge Dropping, In The Zone, and Weird Al Turns 50), please go HERE. A feud may be brewing between these sections. You don't want to miss it.
Thanks to everyone for a quality week. Hope this is not getting tedious for you yet. Please let me know what you thought of the cut-back column. All suggestions are welcome and encouraged.
Enjoy week three.
Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."
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