2010 NFL ATS Pick 'Em: Week Four

By: Luke Florence

On one fall weekend every two years, football takes a backseat in my heart ... to golf. For you see the Ryder Cup takes place this weekend and it has all of my attention. I love the team competition. I love the format. I love the camaraderie. I love the pressure it bestows on the players. I love the home-course advantage. I love everything about it because it embodies the greatness of sports.

Some of us love it so much that we try to copy it. The Earl Cup comes immediately to mind. Long story short, this was the Tiffin Calvert golf's team version of the Ryder Cup. Currently, the Court Street Cup has taken on the shape of the Ryder Cup, using different fantasy sports leagues to determine an overall champion. (Side note: I have so many great ideas for the CSC I'm practically bursting. We shall see if Schaffer ever extends the KOA an invite to his podcast to bring these ideas to fruition)

All these cups got me thinking about adding one to our league. I thought of adding a "team concept," which involved pairing random league members up. I thought of an actual golf outing over the summer (which would be a lot of fun).

But I ended up going with a bracket-type format that involved a combination of the NCAA Tournament and the Ryder Cup. We are going to name it the Skywalker Cup. Here is how it will work.

- All 28 league members are seeded 1-28 based on their current rankings. Obviously we will have some ties, and our tiebreaker will be whoever had the previous best week. Then we get placed in the bracket, based on those seedings, and compete head-to-head against another league member.

- The format will be similar to the Ryder Cup, because we will treat each NFL game as a golf hole. In all actuality whoever wins more games during the round will advance, but the scoring will resemble the "3 & 2" Ryder Cup format. Don't worry about this. If you understand it, great. If not, just try to win more games than your opponent.

- In order to facilitate all 28 members, the top four seeds will receive a 1st-round bye. The 1st-round will last two weeks (weeks four and five). The 2nd, and all proceeding rounds, will last three weeks, with the championship taking place the final three weeks of the season.

- Here are the 1st-round pairings:

#1 Shane Kline vs. BYE WEEK
#16 Chris Woodard vs. #17 Justin Whelan
#8 Brian Boesch vs. #25 Brian Hunt
#9 Erik Smith vs. #24 Jeff Schaffer

#4 Alex Lucius vs. BYE WEEK
#13 Chris Rapking vs. #20 Kevin Hunt
#5 Ryan Polito vs. #28 Anthony Tynan
#12 Luke Polito vs. #21 Corey Taylor

#3 Bill Wakefield vs. BYE WEEK
#14 Michael Grothaus vs. #19 Jared Rosenberger
#6 Jake Young vs. #27 Devin Frank
#11 Jason Fazzone vs. #22 Nick Lay

#2 Jamie Reamer vs. BYE WEEK
#15 Adam Beatrice vs. #18 BESS Club
#7 Matt Barnes vs. #26 Brad Trummer
#10 Luke Florence vs. #23 Eric Hug

Best of luck to all, and remember, the 1st round will last two weeks.

And staying with the golf theme, we went with The Legend of Bagger Vance, in the hopes of finding our one true authentic swing this week.

SAN FRANCISCO @ ATLANTA (-7.5)

"A terrific shot! But into the woods, goddammit! Goddammit! I spend more time in the trees than the squirrels do." - Hardy

In golf, you can hit terrific shots that end up in the trees. In football, you can play really well and still lose. The first two weeks of the season San Francisco played well, but still lost. They will probably lose this one too, but here's to hoping it's by less than a touchdown.

My Pick: SF (+7.5)

Hunt: "What if the Niners just aren't that good?? What if the thing that everyone keeps saying you HAVE to have -- at worst, a SOLID QB -- is hindering SF?? Could this be a similar team to the Cleveland Browns w/ Jamal Lewis, only that Frank Gore is better than J-Lew??" Didn't one of those Jamal Lewis Browns-teams go 10-6? Did that actually happen?

Lay: I’m not sure that this game has an actual storyline. I do remember this from a prior match-up a few years back, however: 'Andre Rison! Deion Sanders! It’s the NFL on FOX!' This was obviously the apex for both of these players, but only on the football field, as Andre Rison would go on to be famous since his house was burnt down by Left Eye and Deion would rise to prominence with an extremely successful hot dog roller. And, in case you were wondering, the Deion Sanders Hot Dog Express not only cooks hot dogs, but all of your favorite cylindrical meats. Give your favorite hot dogs the ride of their life:

Hard to top that, really.

(Note: I cannot watch any of the videos or see any of the links I’m sending…they are all blocked at work. So hopefully they’re not too shitty and semi-relevant to what I’m talking about. Or not. It really doesn’t matter.)" Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Nick Lay. Wasn't the same without you.

Schaf: "The 49ers have been so much worse than expected...and yet I'm terrified that they'll win this game." My thoughts exactly.

NEW YORK JETS (-5.5) @ BUFFALO

"This is getting embarrassing." - Junuh
"Oh no sir, this has been embarrassing for quite some time." - Bagger

Bagger could be talking about Junuh's golf game, the Buffalo Bills, or Michael Grothaus' golf game (which somehow encompasses the first two thoughts).

My Pick: NYJ (-5.5)

Schaf: "Dustin Keller is making Sanchez look like Peyton Manning...but his resemblance to a Romo is all natural." In case you were wondering, this is what a QOTW looks like.

Hunt: "Every time I think about how bad it sucks to be a Browns fan, I think of Bills fan Michael Grothaus. I allow myself to feel bad for about 20 seconds, then remember the Bills threw away four chances at a Super Bowl title and had a Hall-of-Fame QB within the last 900 years. Don't worry, Otto Graham, that was hyperbole." One of my favorite ESPN commercials is the one featuring Jim Kelly and Adam Vinateri.

Lay: "Well, it’s at this point of my picks where I have to admit I really haven’t been following the NFL too much outside of the Browns. Did Rex Ryan get his stomach stapled? I know he’s fat – if he hasn’t had it stapled, he should look into it. It helped Rosie O’Donnell to become less of a lesbian since her tummy can’t hold as much muff juice as it could before the surgery." Yes, these are my friends.

CINCINNATI (-2.5) @ CLEVELAND

"Yeah, I always felt a man's grip on his club just like a man's grip on his world." - Bagger

And Eric Mangini's grip on his job is slowly loosening. Enter Holmgren.

My Pick: CIN (-2.5)

Schaf: "From what I hear, Carson Palmer has looked horrendous this year. And I'm still pretty sure the Browns would pay him double Jake Delhomme's contract if they could." Oh they will Schaf ... in about five years.

Lay: "I’ve got some inside sources here in Cleveland, and, lucky for you, I was able to figure out why Eric Wright had such a bad game against Anquan Boldin last week. Apparently Eazy-E was a parishioner at New Birth down south, and he said that Boldin not only looked like Bishop Eddie Long, but he also wore the same cologne, and the scent still haunts him to this day. Because he was anally raped by the Bishop. Which sucks." Wait, didn't Wright rape someone at USC? I thought that happened.

Hunt: "I don't get to watch much of the NFL on Sundays, but from what I'm told, both of these teams really aren't that great. It's almost like being in my group project for class. Here is an actual scenario from this past Thursday. The names and likenesses have not been changed to protect anyone from stupidity...

Me: OK guys, I'll just attach these files to an e-mail, I'll put the page numbers where you can grab the information, then next week in class we can hash out what direction we'll go in.
Wanna Be Art Teacher (peering over his laptop): Hmmmm, what e-mail do you have for me??
Me: The one you wrote down for me a few weeks back... pretty sure it was an AOL e-mail...
Art Teacher: Oh, well, I don't even know if I can check that e-mail. I've only ever checked that at home.
Me: Well, I think you can check it anywhere that there's Internet.
Girl who is the best groupmate and is just as befuddled as I am (pointing to laptop screen): Just click where it says "address bar" and type AOL dot com. ..... Then put in your username and password and you should be good to go.
Art Teacher: I wouldn't even know what those would be.

Girl/Best Groupmate then proceeded to walk him through making a new AOL e-mail address that, yes, he can check from anywhere there is Internet." Only in America.

DETROIT @ GREEN BAY (-14.5)

"I'm not asking for your crown, Walter. If I wanted it badly enough, I'd just take it." - Junuh

Green Bay thought they could just take the NFC North crown, but Chicago had other thoughts last Monday night. If Green Bay wants it badly enough, they will make this a statement game and thump the Stafford-less Lions.

My Pick: GB (-14.5)

Lay: "This one’s always a touchy matchup, due to the Packer fan base still harboring hatred towards the division rival Detroit Lions signing away Green Bay quarterbacking legend Don 'The Majik Man' Majkowski. You can bet The Majik Man was doing his best to get on as many talk shows this week to promote whatever it is he does these days." A simple search of Don Majkowski reveals he is the Executive Director of PrepSports.Net. On the front page of his personal website it says, "Attention shoppers: we are now completely out of Majik jerseys and will unlikely be able to get any more. Thank you for your understanding!" Somewhere Lay is fuming.

Hunt: "Green Bay hasn't won a 'Game After Jake Young's Birthday' since 2003. [I'm putting that comment on my resume for a job with ESPN's stats department.]" On behalf of the entire league, happy belated birthday Jake. Only the cool people have b-days in October.

Schaf: "Calvin Johnson has been pretty lame on my all-important Court Street Cup fantasy team. I never thought I'd be cheering for Matthew Stafford's health as much as I am now." If Brian Boesch were here he'd respond with a "Yea Detroit!"

CAROLINA @ NEW ORLEANS (-13.5)

"I hear you lost your swing. I guess we got to go find it." - Bagger

The Saints lost last week, but their prescription to getting back on track is playing these Jimmy Clausen-led Panthers at home.

My Pick: NO (-13.5)

Lay: "I’m guessing that by week 8, Steve Smith will be getting Carl Spackler on the phone to see if he can come to Carolina and slice his ACL, much like he offered his services to Ty Webb to perform this same procedure on Judge Smails." A flute without holes is not a flute. A donut without a hole, is a danish.

Hunt: "Jimmy Clausen's debut was like pretty much anything a Browns quarterback has done in awhile -- did he lose it for them?? Maybe, but not definitely. Did he do all he could to win it?? Definitely not. On a side note, Notre Dame alums have asked the school to change the mascot name to the Notre Dame Strolling Mediocrity. At least their name would still suffice the 'College teams with names not ending in 'S' game." We are two years away from Clausen and Quinn battling it out for the last playoff spot in the UFL.

Schaf: "All I can say is I love Garrett Hartley." Of course this is strictly in a "no-Romo" way I'm assuming.

BALTIMORE @ PITTSBURGH (-1.5)

"That's right Hardy. You see every drink of liquor you take kills a thousand brain cells. Now that doesn't much matter 'cos we got billions more. And first the sadness cells die so you smile real big. And then the quiet cells go so you just say everything real loud for no reason at all. That'ok, that's ok because the stupid cells go next, so everything you say is real smart. And finally, come the memory cells. These are tough sons of bitches to kill." - Junuh

Apparently Big Ben underestimated how tough those memory cells were to kill. I doubt he makes the same mistake twice ... oh wait, he already did.

My Pick: BAL (+1.5)

Lay: "I’ve actually visited both of these cities the past two summers. Both were good times in very different ways. Baltimore, for one, had an ocean to enjoy, while Pittsburgh had three disgusting, polluted rivers, swimming with whatever venereal diseases Big Ben has infected them with. Not sure if the biggest risk to living in Pittsburgh is breathing in the smog or the risk of Chlamydia every time you’re near the rivers." There's a reason why Lay was near the top of the major award standings this time last year, and it's quotes like these.

Hunt: "Ballbuster Pick of the Week: Taking the underdog in the 6th game listed, just as Bishop Ready is the underdog in the 6th game of this season (tonight at Sidney Lehman Catholic). I hate to say it's a must win, but it really, truly is for the Silver Knights' playoffs chances." Let's hope Hunt's Ballbuster Pick has more success than his Silver Knights had this week. Unfortunately, they dropped another game, 33-14 to Lehman Catholic.

Schaf: "If Charlie Batch wins two games, I no longer believe in the NFL. Or the Ravens defense. Or Ray Lewis's guilt....wait, scratch that one." Good save Schaf ... only wish the same could be done for that guy he killed though.

SEATTLE (-0.5) @ ST. LOUIS

"You a caddy?" - Junuh
"Uh, that depends. You a golfer?" - Bagger

Will you watch this game? Uh, that depends. You going to make me?

My Pick: SEA (-0.5) - Not Gonna Watch and I have Sunday Ticket Pick of the Week.

Hunt: "Sticking with my theory that Seattle will only play well at home and stink it up on the road. Pete Carroll's cheat of the week?? Putting laxative into Steven Jackson's Haterade." Immediately thought of Dumb and Dumber. "I'll be right out!"

Lay: "The Edward Jones Dome will be rocking this week! Is there even a storyline to make fun of for this game? Honestly, I can’t even come up with anything mildly intriguing to write about this game. I do think the guy who pumped gas for me last week at Sunoco will probably be Sam Bradford’s #2 receiver by the end of the season though." Unless he's busy being the Browns #1 receiver.

Schaf: "Came close to taking the Rams in this one...then I remembered what a fluke is." Speaking of flukes, I just learned of Greg Giraldo's death, and it actually shook me a little bit. "I didn’t think I was older until I went into an Abercrombie & Fitch and they looked at me like I was walking through a playground with my c""k in my hand." The dude was hilarious.

DENVER @ TENNESSEE (-6.5)

"Inside each and every one of us is our one, true authentic swing. Something we was born with. Something that's ours and ours alone. Something that can't be learned... something that's got to be remembered." - Bagger

We could see Kerry Collins go up against Kyle Orton in this one. OR, we could see Brady Quinn (who actually made the team last week!) go up against Vince Young. You probably wouldn't want to remember watching any of those match-ups.

My Pick: TEN (-6.5)

Hunt: "I hope this gets down to be Kyle Orton vs. Kerry Collins. Such a terrible-looking dual between average QBs from Big Ten schools." Somewhere Jeff Schaffer's head just exploded.

INDIANAPOLIS (-7.5) @ JACKSONVILLE

"God is happiest, when his children are at play." - Hardy

Peyton Manning is happiest when he gets to play crappy teams early in the season.

My Pick: IND (-7.5)

Schaf: "The Jags' o-line really needs to get its pump on." Or, they need to take Peyton out into the open sea and let the implication of what might happen set in.

Hunt: "David Garrard is so scared to lose his job at QB and playing against Peyton Manning won't make him look any better." How bad was Byron Leftwich that he was replaced by Garrard. That's a special kind of bad.

HOUSTON (-2.5) @ OAKLAND

"Hey, I admire the way you're dealing with this match, Junuh. Fighting the way you are. It's damn noble. But no matter how good a fighter you are, just remember, I can ask they King to gold the flag for me when I putt, but he's not going to give me his crown, neither is Bobby and neither am I." - Walter Hagan

I admire the way the Houston Texans are dealing with this season. They certainly are fighting, and its certainly damn noble. But it's games like this that they can not lose if they want to be playing in January. As much as I want to take the Raiders here, I simply can't pass on a line that small.

My Pick: HOU (-2.5)

Hunt: "Gus Johnson Pick of the Week: Houston is only favored by 2.5, so the Texans it is. Still trying to get a grasp on the GJPOTW." I know more about genetic engineering than I do about Hunt's Gus Johnson Pick.

Schaf: "Is this really the line in this game? I may love MAC quarterbacks, but even Bruce needs people to throw to. Seriously though, Al Davis drafts well." If Al Davis died tomorrow, would Raider Nation rejoice? Huggy Bear, can I get a ruling?

WASHINGTON @ PHILADELPHIA (-6.5)

"Confused, broken... and unable to face a return to a hero's welcome... Junuh just disappeared... Hoping to forget... and to be forgotten." - Hardy

Donovan McNabb is coming back to Philadelphia this week, and something tells me he won't be receiving a hero's welcome. I'm saying he will leave victorious though.

My Pick: WAS (+6.5)

Hunt: "So many brothas in the City of Brotherly Love this weekend. McNabb's return to Philadelphia. Vick's continuing rise to old form. Charlie Manuel's pursuit of another World Series title." Hunt looking for back-to-back QOTW winners.

Schaf: "Not sure that I buy the whole Donovan will win in his return to Philly, but the Eagles have lost to the only real quarterback they played." I'll go a step further ... Kevin Kolb plays in the 2nd half of this debacle for Philly.

ARIZONA @ SAN DIEGO (-8.5)

"The meaning of it all is that there is no meaning." - Walter Hagan

There is absolutely no meaning to Norv Turner. None. Luckily for me, this game is being played in October, so I can back the favorites.

My Pick: SD (-8.5)

Hunt: "This is probably too many points for a Chargers team coached by Norv Turner that is not being played in December." But it's probably not enough points for a Cardinals team quarterbacked by Derek Anderson that is not being played in the preseason.

Schaf: "Banking on the Chargers playing at home in this one...and on Derek Anderson being Derek Anderson." There are very few certainties in this life, but you can always count on DA completing less than half of his passes, throwing multiple INT's, and looking like he just got off the short bus.

CHICAGO @ NEW YORK GIANTS (-4.5)

"You're daddy is out sweeping streets because he took every last dime he had, and used it to pay up every man and woman he owed and every business who worked for him, instead of declaring bankruptcy like everyone else in town, including your best friend Wilbur Charles' dad, Raymond, which is why he's able to sit around all day long on his dignity! You're daddy stared adversity in the eye, Hardy. And he beat it back with a broom." - Junuh

So I get to take the undefeated Bears and GET 4.5 points against Eli Manning and the 1-2 Giants, who have been pounded in their last two games? Book it.

My Pick: CHI (+4.5)

Hunt: "Might have to DVR this game just for the possibility of montages of both Eli Manning face and Jay Cutler face." DVR has changed my life exponentially. Seriously, it's right up there with soft contact lenses, The Wire, and sporcle.com

NEW ENGLAND (-0.5) @ MIAMI

"Five dollars guaranteed." - Bagger

If gambling were legal, I'd bet way more than five dollars on the Patriots covering this one.

My Pick: NE (-0.5)

Hunt: "I got nothing. Go Browns." Nothing and Browns have been going hand-in-hand since 1999.

That's all she wrote for week four. Enjoy the football, enjoy the Ryder Cup, and go watch The Legend of Bagger Vance.

Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."