2009 F'd Up Tournament: The Field

By: Luke Florence

It's been described as "structured randomness" and "a culmination of our entire life." It's taken nearly 13 months to build, but here we now are, sitting back and reviling in its' completion.

It is the F'd Up Tournament, and it's ready.

Selection Sunday took place less than 24 hours ago, and it was everything we thought it would be and more. Deciding top seeds, bursting bubbles, and pairing great match-ups for the 1st Round and beyond.

After all was said and done, we were left with 128 teams/people/sayings/etc. with a chance of winning the 2009 F'd Up Tournament.

Here is a brief look at our field (in alphabetical order) and how they got here.

1) Jessica Alba - Seeding Group: B (5-8) - Automatically Qualified: Finished #2 in Maxim's Hot 100.
2) DA 2/17 Win - Seeding Group: D (13-16) - At-Large: Derek Anderson won a game by completing 11 percent of his passes. It was THE Moral Defeat of the 2009 season.

3) A-Roid - Seeding Group: B - At-Large: A perpetual loser, all he needed was to admit to cheating in order to finally win.

4) Scotty B. - Seeding Group: C (9-12) - Automatic: Defeated Vinny Testaverde, Family Guy, and the Looper-Olson combo in the Mainstay Tourney. Lost to Trainwreck.

5) Chris Barnes - Seeding Group: C - Automatic: Won the inaugural PBA 64-Match Play Championship.

6) Matt Barnes - Seeding Group: A (1-4) - Automatic: Member of the Selection Committee.

7) Jessica Biel - Group: D - Automatic: Finished #4 in Maxim's Hot 100.
8) Big John - Group: D - Automatic: Defeated Bob "The Wickster" Wickman and Ketih Cawley in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Reach.

9) Big Ten Basketball - Group: D - Automatic: Defeated DP's and The Beast in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Unappreciative Bastard.

10) Big Ten Bowl Season (1-7) - Group: D - At-Large: When your least favorite football conference gets embarrassed during bowl season, you get an At-Large spot here.

11) Drew Blickensderfer - Group: C - Automatic: Was the winning Crew Chief of the Daytona 500.

12) Usain Bolt - Group: A - At-Large: Broke the 100 meter AND 200 meter World Records that he previously broke at the 2008 Summer Olympics.

13) Sam Bradford - Group: B - Automatic: Won the 2008 Heisman Trophy (carry-over from previous year).

14) Bromley 310 - Group: D - Automatic: Defeated Tom Hodson and Tom Hamilton in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Memorial Day Weekend.

15) Chris Brown - Group: D - At-Large: Beat the crap out of Rihanna. Run it run it.

16) Bryant University Basketball - Group: D - At-Large: NJIT had a 51-game losing streak in Division I men's basketball ... until they defeated Bryant University. Who was BU's coach? None other than former Ohio University coach Tim O'Shea.

17) Mark Buehrle - Group: A - At-Large: Threw a perfect game. 27 up, 27 down.

18) Ernest Byner - Group: B - Automatic: Defeated New Year's Eve Disco Bash, Ronald Pittman, Jimmy V and David Carr in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Keith Hodkinson.

19) Angel Cabrera - Group: C - Automatic: Won the Masters.

20) Joe Cada - Group: C - Automatic: Won the 2009 Main Event in the World Series Of Poker.

21) David Carr - Group: C - Automatic: Defeated Yankees "E" League Team, John Daly and Will Ferrell in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Ernest Byner.

22) Patrick Chewing - Group: A - At-Large: For being one of the funniest commercials of the past year. What's up Ryan?

23) Chicago Bulls/Boston Celtics Playoff Series - Group: A - At-Large: For being one of the best playoff series of recent memory.

24) Stewart Cink - Group: A - Automatic: Won the British Open. Defeated Tom Watson in a four-hole playoff. Had to sink a long putt on the 18th hole to get in.

25) Cleveland Browns Beer Pong - Group: B - Automatic: Defeated Asian Invasion, Cedar Point, George Costanza, Reach and Structured Randomness in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Michael Jordan. Lost to Trainwreck in the 3rd Place match-up.

26) George Costanza - Group: D - Automatic: Defeated Mrs. Hughes' French Class and Major League I & II in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Browns Beer Pong.
27) Romeo Crennel/Phil Savage - Group: D - At-Large: The fat black man and the skinny white guy ran the Cleveland Browns into the ground. Worth remembering when they were finally let go.

28) Dallas Cowboys Scoreboard - Group: C - At-Large: It's the world's largest HDTV, and it consumed the entire NFL preseason because it was too close to the field. Biggest non-story of the year.

29) Juan Martin del Potro - Group: C - Automatic: Defeated Roger Federer in the U.S. Open.

30) Wayne Ellington - Group: D - Automatic: NCAA Basketball Men's Tournament Most Outstanding Player.

31) Enthusiasm Spot - Group: C - Automatic: It's down to Jeff Schaffer, Brian Boesch and Jake Young. All they control now is a 500-word essay that's due in six short days.

32) Roger Federer - Group: A - Automatic: Qualified twice thanks to his French Open and Wimbledon victories.

33) Will Ferrell - Group: D - Automatic: Defeated Giddy Up and Don't Be Stupid in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to David Carr.

34) Larry Fitzgerald - Group: A - At-Large: Broke all sorts of records in last season's NFL playoffs. Looks like he might do the same again this year.

35) Josh Florence - Group: B - Automatic: Won the 2008 NFL ATS Pick 'Em.

36) Luke Florence - Group: A - Automatic: Member of the Selection Committee.

37) Florida Gators Football - Group: B - Automatic: Won the 2008 National Championship (carry-over).

38) Megan Fox - Group: A - Automatic: Finished #1 in Maxim's Hot 100.
39) Gay Lanes - Group: D - Automatic: Defeated Ohio University Intramural Sports and Beer in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Structured Randomness.

40) Gettin' Away From The Cops Speed - Group: A - At-Large: When we think back to the 2009 NFL season, this phrase coined by our good friend Gus Johnson might just top the list.

41) Lucas Glover - Group: C - Automatic: Won the 2009 U.S. Open. You might remember it as one of the hardest-to-watch golf majors of the past decade.

42) Zach Greinke - Group: B - Automatic: Won the 2009 AL Cy Young Award. Becoming the first non-Cleveland Indian to take home the prestigious honor in three years.

43) Blake Griffin - Group: B - Automatic: Qualified twice thanks to winning the Naismith College Basketball Player Of The Year and being the first pick in the NBA draft as well.

44) The Hangover - Group: A - At-Large: No question, hands-down, the funniest movie of 2009. NIIICE!

45) Tyler Hansbrough - Group: C - At-Large: Because he reminded everyone of Christian Laettner, sans a jump-shot.

46) Keith Hodkinson - Group: A - Automatic: Defeated Erik Huss, Tim Couch, Omar Vizquel/Carlos Baerga, Pizza Hut Lunch Buffet, Ernest Byner, Trainwreck and Michael Jordan en route to winning the 2009 Mainstay Tournament. He's Kevin's mortal enemy.

47) Santonio Holmes - Group: B - Automatic: 2009 Super Bowl MVP.

48) Marian Hossa - Group: D - At-Large: Lost the 2008 Stanley Cup with the Pittsburgh Penguins, declined to re-sign with the Pens because he thought he had a better chance of winning a Stanley Cup with the Detroit Red Wings. The very next year, Pittsburgh defeated Hossa and the Red Wings in the Stanley Cup.

49) Kevin Hunt - Group: B - Automatic: Member of the Selection Committee.

50) Randy Hunt "Rub Money" - Group: C - Automatic: Defeated Planes Trains and Automobiles, Grady Sizemore, and November 31st in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Semi-Charmed Life.

51) “I Gotta Feeling” by the Black Eyed Peas - Group: B - Automatic: Spent the longest time at #1 on Billboard's Top 100.

52) LeBron James - Group: A - Automatic: Won the 2009 NBA MVP. Probably his last year to win this tournament as a member of the Cleveland Cavs.

53) Scatlett Johansson - Group: C - Automatic: Finished #3 in Maxim's Hot 100.
54) Gus Johnson - Group: D - Automatic: Defeated Arby's and Allan Houston in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Ohio University.

55) Jimmie Johnson - Group: A - Automatic: Won NASCAR's Sprint To The Cup. He wins it a lot.

56) Randy Johnson - Group: B - At-Large: Won his 300th game and might be the last MLB pitcher to do so.

57) Michael Jordan - Group: A - Automatic: Defeated True Colors, Mrs. Bursa's Popcorn, WHEI In The Mornings/Maxine Mondays, Bill Walton, Semi-Charmed Life, and Browns Beer Pong in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Keith Hodkinson in the Finals. Also was elected to the NBA Hall of Fame and had a memorable and controversial speech.

58) Shane Kline - Group: B - Automatic: Won the inaugural What's My Score Fantasy Football League.

59) Tim Lincecum - Group: B - Automatic: Won the 2009 NL Cy Young Award.

60) Looper-Olson - Group: D - Automatic: Defeated the Ballbuster Pick Of The Week and Gridiron Glory in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Scotty B.

61) Los Angeles Lakers - Group: A - Automatic: Won the 2009 NBA Finals.

62) LOST Season Five - Group: A - At-Large: For being the most unique, thought-provoking, and mysterious television show going.

63) John Madden Retirement/Brett Favre Un-Retirement - Group: B - At-Large: Combined because these two entities are too similar.

64) Wes Malott - Group: C - Automatic: Narrowly edged out Norm Duke to win the PBA Bowler Of The Year.

65) Peyton Manning - Group: A - Automatic: For winning his third NFL MVP award (carry-over) and for being the QOA's favorite athlete.
66) Hideki Matsui - Group: C - Automatic: Won the 2009 World Series MVP. He's the first Yankee-asian to win the award since Reggie Jackson.

67) Joe Mauer - Group: B - Automatic: Won the 2009 American League Most Valuable Player and the best pick of our fantasy baseball leagues.

68) Floyd Mayweather Jr. - Group: B - At-Large: Boxing doesn't have too much to offer as a sport, but Mayweather is one of the few pieces it has remaining.

69) Memorial Day Weekend - Group: C - Automatic: Defeated Ten Things I Hate About You, McHappy's, Bromley 310 and Unappreciative Bastard in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Trainwreck.

70) Merkt's Cheese - Group: D - Automatic: Defeated the Big Ben Game and Stuart Appleby in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Semi-Charmed Life.

71) Mine That Bird - Group: C - Automatic: Won the Kentucky Derby as a tremendous long-shot.

72) Randy Moeller - Group: B - At-Large: Hard to explain, but this announcer cites famous movies quotes right after a Florida Panther scores a goal. YouTube him right now.

73) Most Interesting Man In The World - Group: B - At-Large: Because he once had an awkward moment just to see what it would feel like and because he can speak French ... in Russian.

74) MotherLover - Group: B - At-Large: The funniest SNL skit of the past year ... by far.

75) Rafael Nadal - Group: B - Automatic: Won the Australian Open.

76) New York Yankees - Group: A - Automatic: Won the World Series and made me lose my bet with Matt Barnes because the new Pope is still walking around.

77) NFL Sunday Ticket - Group: A - At-Large: It's changed the way Kevin and I watch football for the rest of our lives.

78) North Carolina Tar Heels Basketball - Group: B - Automatic: Won the 2009 Men's Basketball Tourney.

79) November 31st - Group: D - Automatic: Defeated Bob Seger and Little Hugo's in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Randy Hunt "Rub Money."

80) 0-16 Detroit Lions - Group: D - At-Large: For going 4-0 in the NFL preseason, and then not winning a single game during the regular season.

81) Barack Obama - Group: A - At-Large: Was inaugurated as our newest President Of The United States.

82) Ohio University - Group: C - Automatic: Defeated Lieutenant Dan, Rick Majerus, and Gus Johnson in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Structured Randomness.

83) Alexander Ovechkin - Group: B - Automatic: The Hart Memorial Trophy winner (MVP of hockey) and had a crazy duel with Crosby in the playoffs.

84) Manny Pacquiao - Group: A - At-Large: Pound-for-pound, the best boxer on the planet.

85) Sexy Rick Pitino - Group: B - At-Large: Because he had sex in a restaurant with random girls despite having a Rick Pitino face.

86) Pittsburgh Penguins - Group: A - Automatic: Won the 2009 Stanley Cup!!!! GO PENGUINS!
87) Pittsburgh Steelers - Group: A - Automatic: Won the 2009 Super Bowl in a memorable game against the Arizona Cardinals.

88) Pizza Hut Lunch Buffet - Group: C - Automatic: Defeated Bart Borer, Butch Davis and Route 56/Hollerback Girl in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Keith Hodkinson.

89) Kenny Powers - Group: A - At-Large: The funniest new TV show of the year.

90) The Promise - Group: D - Automatic: Defeated The Applebee's Commercial and F**k You in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Trainwreck.

91) Albert Pujols - Group: B - Automatic: Won the National League MVP.

92) Queen of Arguments/Frankie The Dog - Group: B - At-Large: It all started in 2009, and looks more than promising for the distant future as well.

93) Brady Quinn - Group: C - At-Large: Won the grueling QB dual against Derek Anderson. That's about it.

94) Rachel Alexandra - Group: A - Automatic: Won the Preakness Derby ... and oh yeah, SHE went undefeated in 2009.

95) Pregnant Manny Ramirez - Group: A - At-Large: In Manny's world it makes sense to take pregnancy pills in order to become a better baseball player. Manny Being Manny.

96) Reach - Group: C - Automatic: Defeated Mel Kiper III/T.Willy, Sweet Franklin, and Big John in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Browns Beer Pong.

97) Route 56/Hollerback Girl - Group: D - Automatic: Defeated The Ceiling Bracket and Black History Month in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Pizza Hut Lunch Buffet.

98) Rudy - Group: D - Automatic: Defeated Keystone Light and Paul Culver in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Bill Walton.

99) Semi-Charmed Life - Group: C - Automatic: Defeated the Cleveland Browns, Keler, Merkt's Cheese, and Randy Hunt "Rub Money" in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Michael Jordan.

100) Anderson Silva - Group: B - At-Large: Pound-for-pound, the best MMA fighter in the world.

101) Grady Sizemore's Pictures - Group: C - At-Large: You have to see them to understand.

102) Kimbo Slice - Group: C - At-Large: Because he's the biggest draw in MMA ... believe it.

103) Will Smith - Group: C - At-Large: He was my #1 black TV character of all-time in my ode to Matt Barnes during February.

104) Sonia Sotomayor - Group: C - At-Large: It's not every year a new Supreme Court Justice gets put in place.

105) Matthew Stafford - Group: C - Automatic: Was the top pick in the 2009 NFL Draft.

106) Donte Stallworth's Bentley - Group: D - At-Large: Mario Reyes RIP.

107) Stimulus Package/Cash For Clunkers - Group: D - At-Large: The Beast RIP.

108) Stephen Strausburg - Group: D - Automatic: Was the top pick in the 2009 MLB Draft. He held out for a huge amount of money, and the team that drafted him, the Washington Nationals, refused to pay it. Eventually, he signed for more than 15 million.

109) Structured Randomness - Group: B - Automatic: Defeated the Notre Dame Fighting Irish, Alex Lucius, Gay Lanes and Ohio University in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Browns Beer Pong.

110) Summer Bird - Group: D - Automatic: Won the Belmont Stakes which was marred by the absences of Rachel Alexandra.

111) Swine Flu - Group: D - At-Large: Became a new version of the Bird Flu from a couple years' past.

112) John Tavares - Group: D - Automatic: The New York Islanders chose him as the top pick in the 2009 NHL Draft. He's the odds-on favorite mid-way through the season to be the Rookie Of The Year.

113) Team Self-Esteem - Group: B - At-Large: Kevin Hunt and Jeff Schaffer teamed up in a beer-pong tournament ... the rest is history.

114) Tim Tebow - Group: C - At-Large: Reminded people of Christian Laettner, but much much stronger.

115) $36 Library Fine - Group: D - At-Large: Only Kevin could collect such a substantial library fee.

116) Trainwreck - Group: A - Automatic: Defeated Chris Farley, Brad Bursa, The Promise, Scotty B, and Memorial Day Weekend in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Keith Hodkinson. Knocked off Browns Beer Pong for 3rd place.

117) Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen - Group: C - Automatic: Top-grossing film of 2009.

118) Twitter - Group: B - At-Large: Changed how people communicate.

119) UCONN-Syracuse 6 OT Game - Group: A - At-Large: The most memorable game, of any sport, during 2009.

120) Unappreciative Bastard - Group: C - Automatic: Defeated the Cleveland Indians, Cool Runnings, and Big Ten Basketball in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Memorial Day Weekend.

121) Jimmy V - Group: D - Automatic: Defeated St. Mary's Elementary and Hot Nuts in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Ernest Byner.

122) Omar Vizquel/Carlos Baerga - Group: D - Automatic: Defeated Do With This As You Will and Fort Ball Buffet in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Keith Hodkinson.

123) Bill Walton - Group: C - Automatic: Defeated Jason Koma, Wicked Sweet, and Rudy in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Michael Jordan.

124) Tom Watson - Group: A - At-Large: He was 60 years old and just needed a par on the 72nd hole of the British Open to win it. Lost in a playoff to Stewart Cink.
125) Weddings & Kids - Group: B - At-Large: Brad Bursa (both) and Kris Frank (just wedding), but when you throw in engagements, it's a bit crazy.

126) Kanye West - Group: C - At-Large: Just ask Taylor Swift, and she will tell you why Kanye is here.

127) WHEI In The Mornings/Maxine Mondays - Group: D - Automatic: Defeated Taco John's and the Frank Twins in the Mainstay Tournament. Lost to Michael Jordan.

128) Y.E. Yang - Group: A - Automatic: Defeated Tiger Woods to win the 2009 PGA Championship. The KOA correctly predicted Jim Nantz's call of his winning putt ("Y.E...YES!), and Yang celebrated by lifting his golf bag over his head.

Sit back and take it all in. Yes, we have the bracket (and spreads) filled out, and we are just waiting on the Enthusiasm Spot.

One of the above 128 will win the 2009 F'd Up Tournament. The only guarantee is that it will be EPIC.

Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."