2009 NFL ATS Pick 'Em: Week Five Special Sections

By: Luke Florence

Week five saw three new special sections as Bart Borer, Ryan Polito and Jason Fazzone all contributed new material. As you will soon read, Bart might be emerging himself as the fan-favorite for the special section award. It's a must-read. Even if you've never met him.

As for Polito and Fazzone, well the feud is squarely on. They both make compelling arguments and it will be interesting to see how it plays out the next couple of weeks.

Enjoy.

Bart's Thoughts That Matter - Vol. III - Num. II

By: Bart Borer

Since the last time we talked I had a very interesting visit to Sin City. As I had a very bad head cold when I arrived in Vegas, my visit came in like a lamb. My first two nights were rather tame and included activities such as blowing my nose about a million times, trying to get my ears to pressurize correctly, taking ample amounts of Sudafed, Benadryl, Ludens, and Halls cough drops, and taking long bubble baths (stop laughing, I’m actually serious about that). I also did a lot of walking which led to a lot of chafing which was about as much fun as getting punched in the balls – really not all that fun.

This is where the “in like a lamb” ended.

I had finally kicked my cold and I was starting to feel a little better. On Wednesday after I finished my “work” for the day, I was planning my night and I knew the only thing I had to do was get on my plane that was leaving at 10:40 am the next morning. That pretty much left my night wide open.

Since I was in Sin City I figured I may as well visit one, or two, or as many as possible of the many gentlemen’s establishments. It should be pretty evident that I wanted some boobies in and around my face area. I also thought since Vegas has some of the best bars/clubs in the whole world, I would check a few of those out as well. So in preparation for my big night, I decided to go to happy hour that was located in the bar in my hotel – “The C Bar” at the Stratosphere.

This is where things took a turn for the worse.

The Happy Hour special at “The C Bar” was right in line with everything else in the Capitol City of Self-Indulgence. It included all-you-can-drink Draft Beer, Martinis, and Margaritas for $19.99. I was in heaven. The deal lasted from 4-8 pm and it was already 6 pm, so I had some catching up to do to make it worth my while, but I was up to the challenge.

When I ordered my first Margarita the bartender casually pointed out that if I drank five Margaritas, it would make the deal more than worth it. He had obviously never seen me drink. He did not know this, but when I sat down, I had fully intended on drinking 20 Margaritas.

Well when 8 pm rolled around, my time was up. I had only finished 15 of those rascally drinks. Now that I was good and buzzed, or so I thought, I wanted to go grab some dinner and get on with my big night on the town. This is where my memory gets a little fuzzy.

After my bartender poured my #16, I took the drink and started walking toward the buffet located in the other end of the casino. Well, not to end the story suddenly, but next thing that I remember is waking up, in my room, laying the wrong way in the bed, at 9 am, ass naked.

That was an odd feeling to say the least.

So in my infinite morning wisdom, my first thought was to try to figure out what time my flight was, because apparently 16 Margaritas makes you forget things like that. So I fired up my laptop and went to the table that was in the room as you first walk in the door.

I didn’t think that the cleaning lady came at 9 am and I don’t think she estimated that there would be a 350 pound naked man sitting at the table when she came to my room. Well we were both wrong and it led to a medium amount of awkwardness for both of us.

Except for missing my original flight to go home, the rest of the trip went as planned and now that it is three days later, I am not hungover anymore. That’s all.

Until next time: Peace. Love. Strippers.

Po's Knowledge Dropping - Vol. II - Num. IV

Week 4 in Review

By: Ryan Polito

MOST DOMINANT- POLAND SEMINARY BULLDOGS FOOTBALL TEAM

Expectations for my former High School's football team have been low ever since the departure of long-time head coach Paul Hulea. The team was taken over by former Youngstown State QB, and fellow Steelers fan, Mark Brungard.

Everyone criticized Brungard for being too conservative and not being able to win big games. However, last season Brungard got the Bulldogs to the playoffs before being knocked out in the 2nd round. A great season, but nothing compared to the way the 2009 campaign has started.

The Bulldogs entered Friday nights game an impressive 6-0 and ready to go up against the also undefeated (6-0) Howland Tigers. Not only did Poland win, they shutout the high powered Tigers 17-0.

Poland is now ranked # 2 in the entire state for Div. II, just behind their rival city, # 1 Cardinal Mooney.

This sets up one of the biggest games in the history of Poland football next Friday night. The Bulldogs (7-0) will march down to Steubenville, Ohio to face the Steubenville Big Red. Not only is Steubenville 7-0, but they also hold a 65-game winning streak at home, and are 84-4 since 2002 with state titles galore.

Poland Bulldogs (7-0) vs Steubenville Big Red (7-0)- Friday Night; I’ll have an update next week, but I fear Poland getting crushed.

LEAST DOMINANT- ‘LOST’ RELATED JOKES FROM 'IN THE ZONE'

Last week, In The Zone made a point to make fun of me for mentioning LOST in my section. Obviously he has no idea the power of that TV show, but thats beside the point here. The fact that the majority of this group loves LOST is the reason I always bring it up; people see 'LOST'
and they want to read what I have to say.

This is quite the opposite to what In The Zone is doing. Every week he thinks its smart to break down every Steelers game. The fact that I am the only other Steelers fan in this group should tell you how many people actually read your section.

So here’s a question I think Luke Florence needs to ask himself before he puts In The Zone at #1 again on the special sections standings ... How many people in this group (full of NON-Steelers fans) are actually reading a five paragraph essay breaking down the Steelers every single week???

Thank you and goodbye until next week.

IN THE ZONE - Vol. I - Num VI

…WHERE WE ARE TAKING OVER DETROIT SUNDAY

By: Jason Fazzone

To Ryan Polito: So do the Least Dominant awards actually exist in paper or trophy form? I need something to put up next to my Special Sections championship award in January.

Now that that’s over, let’s get to the Polito of the Week. This week’s award goes to whoever the hell gave Barack Obama the Nobel Peace Prize. Obama has done the following to promote peace around the world ……

Pretty long list, if I do say so myself – worthy of receiving such a prestigious honor.

Anyway, onto the Steelers. I’m not eating crow yet after Rashard Mendenhall’s monster game against the Chargers Sunday night – the Chargers’ defense has been poor against the run, Jamal Williams was out and Shawne Merriman was less than 100 percent.

Not to take away from Mendenhall – he looked much more determined when he touched the football, losing the tentativeness that he displayed in his first couple games this year. Mike Tomlin may have finally awoken a sleeping giant, but we won’t know for sure until the Vikings game later this month. That will be Mendenhall’s first true test.

While I’m still on the running game, the signing of Carey Davis may have been the biggest signing of the season for the Steelers. Davis, who was cut at the end of preseason, is the fullback the Steelers desperately need in the running game. Pittsburgh struggled mightily running out of single-back sets. Using Davis and even backup lineman Doug “Bronko” Legursky as a lead blocker should improve the Steelers’ running game going forward. It’s definitely something to monitor as the season progresses.

Something else to monitor is the defense, which has been terrible in the fourth quarter this season. They played like the game was in the bag last week and almost paid dearly for it. Someone, whether it be Tomlin, or Dick LeBeau, or one of the veterans, needs to step up and light a fire under these guys for 60 minutes. I don’t expect the situation to get any better in the next couple weeks with games against the Lions and Browns coming up.

Detroit is this week’s opponent, and yours truly is making the trek to Ford Field (and checking out Greektown before the game). The past two times the Steelers have played a game in Detroit were Super Bowl XL and the Thanksgiving Day coin-toss debacle; this game will not be as interesting.

Lions coach Jim Schwartz won’t say who will be starting under center, but it really doesn’t matter. It could be Matthew Stafford, Daunte Culpepper, hell, even Scott Mitchell, but I expect this game to be over after three quarters. Will it get close again in the fourth? God, I hope not.

Yes, this week’s column is shorter than usual, but it’s Detroit Week. I probably won’t even have to do one for Cleveland Week. There will be a full Detroit trip report next week.

Until next time, go Steelers!
_______________________________________________________________
Sorry for the delay in getting these sections out there, but better late than never.

Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."

2009 NFL ATS Pick 'Em: Week Five Standings

By: Luke Florence

Again, apologies for the absent column this week. I'm in the process of putting together a week five recap column with everyone's special sections, comments, etc. Look for this late Wednesday night.

Here are our standings after five weeks. As always, please double-check your records and let me know of any wrong-doings. Thanks.

2009 NFL ATS PICK 'EM: WEEK FIVE STANDINGS (week five record in parentheses)

1) Billy Wakefield 51-25 (10-4)
2) Nick Lay 46-30 (9-5)
3) Justin Whelan 45-31 (7-7)
3) Jeff Normand 45-31 (9-5)
3) Chris Rapking 45-31 (9-5)
6) Anthony Tynan 44-32 (7-7)
6) Jeff Schaffer 44-32 (8-6)
8) Jamie Reamer 43-33 (6-8)
8) Luke Polito 43-33 (7-7)
8) Ryan Polito 43-33 (8-6)
8) Luke Florence 43-33 (8-6)
8) Chris Woodard 43-33 (8-6)
8) Erik Smith 43-33 (8-6)
8) Jason Fazzone 43-33 (9-5)
15) Jake Young 42-34 (9-5)
15) Matt Barnes 42-34 (9-5)
17) Shane Kline 41-35 (6-8)
18) Andrew Braverman 40-36 (8-6)
18) Eric Hug 40-36 (9-5)
20) Kevin Hunt 39-37 (7-7)
21) Josh Florence 38-38 (9-5)
22) Brian Boesch 37-39 (6-8)
23) He Who Shall Not Be Named Because He Hath Not Paid 36-40 (5-9)
23) Andrew Reinhart 36-40 (8-6)
25) Bart Borer 33-43 (8-6)
26) Devin Frank 32-44 (8-6)

Award standings will be updated tomorrow, and be on the look out for the recap post in lieu of a week five column. Giddy up.

Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."

2009 NFL ATS Pick 'Em: Week Five PICKS

By: Luke Florence

Apologies for not having a column out right now. Due to some birthday celebrations for us here at KOA, we will post the week five column late tonight/early tomorrow. Thanks for understanding. Here are our picks for week five. Best of luck.

Billy: CIN, PHI, CLE, PIT, WAS, DAL, NYG, MIN, SF, ARI, DEN, SEA, IND, NYJ

Justin: CIN, PHI, CLE, PIT, WAS, DAL, OAK, STL, SF, HOU, DEN, SEA, TEN, MIA

Tynan: CIN, TB, BUF, PIT, WAS, DAL, OAK, MIN, ATL, HOU, DEN, SEA, IND, NYJ

Lay: BAL, PHI, CLE, PIT, CAR, KC, NYG, MIN, SF, HOU, DEN, SEA, IND, MIA

Reamer: BAL, PHI, CLE, PIT, CAR, DAL, NYG, MIN, SF, HOU, DEN, JAX, IND, NYJ

Jeff: CIN, PHI, CLE, PIT, WAS, KC, NYG, MIN, SF, HOU, DEN, JAX, IND, NYJ

Schaffer: BAL, PHI, BUF, PIT, WAS, KC, NYG, MIN, ATL, HOU, NE, JAX, IND, MIA

L.Po: BAL, PHI, CLE, PIT, CAR, DAL, NYG, MIN, ATL, HOU, NE, SEA, IND, NYJ

Rapking: CIN, PHI, CLE, DET, CAR, DAL, OAK, MIN, SF, ARI, NE, SEA, IND, MIA

Shane: BAL, PHI, BUF, PIT, CAR, DAL, NYG, MIN, SF, ARI, NE, JAX, IND, MIA

R.Po: CIN, PHI, BUF, PIT, CAR, KC, NYG, MIN, ATL, HOU, NE, SEA, TEN, MIA

Luke: BAL, PHI, CLE, PIT, CAR, KC, OAK, MIN, ATL, ARI, NE, SEA, IND, NYJ

Woody: CIN, PHI, CLE, PIT, CAR, KC, OAK, MIN, ATL, ARI, NE, SEA, TEN, NYJ

Smitty: CIN, PHI, CLE, PIT, CAR, DAL, NYG, MIN, SF, ARI, NE, JAX, IND, MIA

Fiz: CIN, PHI, CLE, PIT, CAR, KC, NYG, MIN, SF, ARI, NE, SEA, IND, NYJ

Jake: CIN, PHI, CLE, PIT, CAR, DAL, NYG, MIN, ATL, HOU, NE, SEA, IND, MIA

Barnes: CIN, PHI, BUF, PIT, CAR, KC, NYG, MIN, ATL, ARI, NE, SEA, IND, NYJ

Kevin: BAL, PHI, CLE, PIT, WAS, DAL, NYG, MIN, SF, HOU, NE, SEA, IND, NYJ

Taylor: CIN, TB, BUF, PIT, CAR, DAL, OAK, MIN, SF, ARI, NE, SEA, IND, NYJ

Brian: CIN, PHI, CLE, PIT, CAR, DAL, OAK, MIN, SF, HOU, NE, SEA, IND, NYJ

Hug: CIN, PHI, CLE, PIT, CAR, DAL, NYG, MIN, SF, ARI, NE, SEA, IND, MIA

Josh: CIN, TB, CLE, DET, WAS, KC, OAK, STL, ATL, HOU, DEN, SEA, TEN, MIA

Chewy: BAL, TB, BUF, PIT, WAS, KC, NYG, MIN, SF, ARI, DEN, JAX, IND, MIA

Bart: BAL, PHI, BUF, PIT, WAS, KC, NYG, MIN, ATL, HOU, NE, JAX, IND, MIA

Devin: BAL, PHI, BUF, DET, CAR, KC, NYG, MIN, ATL, ARI, NE, JAX, IND, NYJ

Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."

2009 NFL ATS Pick 'Em: Week Four QOTW

By: Luke Florence

The fourth week of the NFL proved to be the most difficult to pick winners and losers. It was also the most difficult thus far in picking the quotes of the week. Several over-qualified candidates, but only ten (or so) spots up for grabs.

Three weeks in and we have had three different QOTW winners. Will someone punch their second ticket to the Quote Of The Year banquet? Or will a fourth person keep the one-and done trend alive? Only one way to find out.

TOP TEN WEEK FOUR QUOTES

10-tie) "I guess this story points to me being an alcoholic more to Big Ben being a dick, but whatever. He's a rapist.” - Nick Lay.

10-tie) "There's so little talent in the city of Cleveland right now that reports say the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame plans on inducting Barry Manilow.” - Kevin Hunt.

9) “Bill Belichick is such a cheeser – he has Tom Brady, Fred Taylor, Randy Moss, Joey Galloway, Adalius Thomas AND Shawn Springs all on the same team?!? Wait, this isn’t Madden 03? My bad." - Jason Fazzone.

8) “These teams will come storming out the gates with energy like John Rocker. Now, there's a guy I wouldn't mind Ray Lewis stabbing.” - Matt Barnes.

7) “This one will be over quick, just like Juan Gonzalez's 2005 season.” - Matt Barnes.

6) “Rams linebacker David Vobora got busted for taking performance-enhancing drugs. At least someone’s trying in St. Louis.” - Jason Fazzone.

5) “I should have known The Big Ju would have a great game on the ground last week for the Seahawks, being the eve of Yom Kippur. My next question: How were banks open on Monday if Jews couldn't work? And while we're here, the only thing black people do is commit crime and shoot guns; white people can't dance and white men can't jump; those following Islam are terrorists; and Asians can't drive.” - Kevin Hunt.

4) “So that’s what it’s like to get beaten by Chris Brown – I feel your pain, Rihanna.” - Jason Fazzone.

3) “Only thing more difficult than watching this game would be eating pumpernickel bread served by Kevin Hunt.” - Anthony Tynan.

2) “Peyton Manning + Justin Timberlake + Erin Andrews = one helluva commercial. Or a naughty, naughty hotel porno. ‘Cut that meat! Cut that meat!’” - Nick Lay.

1) “With both Maurice Jones-Drew and Mike Sims-Walker, the Jags have a distinct advantage in amount of last names on a roster. How do YOU intimidate your opponents?” - Jeff Schaffer.

Four weeks, four different QOTW winners. Congratulations to Jeff Schaffer for coming through with the week four Quote Of The Week. Nick Lay came close, but ultimately fell just short. We will have to wait until week five to see if someone can claim their second QOTW honor.

Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."

2009 NFL ATS Pick 'Em: Week Four Standings

By: Luke Florence

It took four weeks but you just knew it was bound to happen. Away favorites were covering with ease and our league was reaping the benefits. Winning ten games the past three weeks wouldn't allow you make up ground, but rather maintain your position. That all changed in week four.

With only fourteen games to pick - two less than a regular week - logic would dictate it would be harder to lose ground. Logic would be wrong. Week four was absolutely brutal to some, and absolutely amazing for others.

Billy Wakefield went 8-6 to hold on to the league lead for the second consecutive week, so no changes at the very top. But, Justin Whelan went a week four best, 11-3, to vault himself into 2nd place, just three games behind Billy.

No surprise that Justin was the league's biggest gainer in week four, rising 11 places with his impressive 11-win week. Jamie Reamer had a good week as well, climbing ten spots from 13th a week ago, to 3rd. On the flip side, two members lost double-digit spots.

Andrew Braverman (3-11) - dropped from 6th to 18th (12 places)
Brian Boesch (3-11) - dropped from 9th to 20th (11 places)

Congrats to those who survived week four, and to those who fought back and gained some precious ground.

2009 NFL ATS PICK 'EM: WEEK FOUR STANDINGS (week four record in parentheses)

1) Billy Wakefield 41-21 (8-6)
2) Justin Whelan 38-24 (11-3)
3) Anthony Tynan 37-25 (7-7)
3) Nick Lay 37-25 (8-6)
3) Jamie Reamer 37-25 (10-4)
6) Jeff Normand 36-26 (7-7)
6) Jeff Schaffer 36-26 (9-5)
6) Luke Polito 36-26 (8-6)
6) Chris Rapking 36-26 (5-9)
10) Shane Kline 35-27 (5-9)
10) Ryan Polito 35-27 (7-7)
10) Luke Florence 35-27 (9-5)
10) Chris Woodard 35-27 (9-5)
10) Erik Smith 35-27 (5-9)
15) Jason Fazzone 34-28 (6-8)
16) Jake Young 33-29 (6-8)
16) Matt Barnes 33-29 (7-7)
18) Andrew Braverman 32-30 (3-11)
18) Kevin Hunt 32-30 (6-8)
20) Corey Taylor 31-31 (5-9)
20) Brian Boesch 31-31 (3-11)
20) Eric Hug 31-31 (6-8)
23) Josh Florence 29-33 (8-6)
24) Andrew Reinhart 28-34 (9-5)
25) Bart Borer 25-37 (7-7)
26) Devin Frank 24-38 (5-9)

Quotes of the week will be out later tonight, and week two spreads will be sent out ASAP. Please double-check your records and let me know of any discrepancy.

Happy Birthday to two league members. Chris "Woody" Woodard and Eric "Huggy Bear" Hug both are celebrating theirs today on October 6th, which just goes to show that the coolest people have their birthday in October. On behalf of the league, I hope both those guys have a great birthday.

Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."

2009 NFL ATS Pick 'Em: Week Four PICKS

By: Luke Florence

Here are our week four picks. Best of luck.

WEEK FOUR NFL ATS PICKS

Billy: TB, BAL, TEN, OAK, CIN, IND, NYG, CHI, MIA, NO, STL, DEN, SD, MIN

Rapking: TB, NE, TEN, OAK, CIN, IND, NYG, DET, BUF, NO, STL, DAL, SD, GB

Smitty: WAS, BAL, TEN, HOU, CIN, IND, NYG, DET, BUF, NO, SF, DAL, SD, GB

Tynan: TB, NE, JAX, OAK, CIN, IND, KC, DET, MIA, NO, STL, DEN, SD, GB

Shane: TB, BAL, TEN, HOU, CIN, SEA, NYG, DET, BUF, NO, STL, DEN, SD, GB

Lay: WAS, BAL, TEN, HOU, CIN, IND, NYG, CHI, BUF, NO, SF, DEN, SD, MIN

Braves: WAS, BAL, TEN, OAK, CIN, IND, NYG, DET, BUF, NYJ, STL, DAL, SD, MIN

Jeff: TB, NE, TEN, HOU, CIN, IND, NYG, DET, MIA, NYJ, STL, DAL, PIT, GB

R.Po: TB, NE, TEN, HOU, CIN, IND, KC, DET, MIA, NO, SF, DAL, SD, GB

Brian: TB, BAL, TEN, OAK, CIN, IND, KC, DET, BUF, NYJ, STL, DAL, PIT, GB

L.Po: WAS, BAL, TEN, HOU, CIN, IND, NYG, CHI, MIA, NYJ, STL, DEN, PIT, MIN

Fiz: WAS, BAL, TEN, HOU, CIN, IND, NYG, DET, BUF, NO, SF, DAL, SD, MIN

Jake: WAS, BAL, TEN, OAK, CIN, IND, NYG, CHI, MIA, NO, SF, DAL, SD, GB

Justin: TB, BAL, JAX, OAK, CLE, IND, NYG, CHI, MIA, NO, STL, DEN, PIT, MIN

Reamer: WAS, BAL, JAX, HOU, CLE, IND, NYG, DET, MIA, NO, SF, DAL, PIT, MIN

Schaffer: WAS, BAL, JAX, HOU, CIN, IND, NYG, CHI, MIA, NO, SF, DAL, SD, MIN

Luke: TB, NE, TEN, HOU, CLE, IND, NYG, DET, MIA, NO, SF, DAL, SD, GB

Kevin: WAS, NE, TEN, OAK, CIN, SEA, NYG, CHI, BUF, NO, STL, DEN, SD, MIN

Taylor: WAS, NE, TEN, OAK, CIN, IND, NYG, DET, MIA, NO, STL, DAL, SD, GB

Barnes: WAS, NE, TEN, HOU, CIN, IND, NYG, DET, BUF, NO, SF, DAL, SD, MIN

Woody: TB, NE, TEN, HOU, CIN, IND, NYG, DET, MIA, NYJ, SF, DEN, PIT, GB

Hug: WAS, NE, TEN, HOU, CIN, IND, KC, DET, BUF, NO, STL, DEN, PIT, GB

Josh: WAS, NE, JAX, OAK, CLE, IND, NYG, DET, BUF, NO, STL, DAL, PIT, MIN

Devin: WAS, NE, TEN, HOU, CIN, IND, KC, DET, BUF, NO, SF, DAL, SD, GB

Chewy: TB, NE, TEN, OAK, CIN, IND, NYG, CHI, BUF, NO, STL, DEN, PIT, MIN

Bart: WAS, NE, TEN, OAK, CLE, SEA, NYG, CHI, BUF, NYJ, SF, DEN, PIT, GB

Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."

2009 NFL ATS Pick 'Em: Week Four

By: Luke Florence

Trust is a tricky topic. It takes years to build and only seconds to destroy. A fickle beast indeed.

As picks are made week in and week out, the one question that continually comes to mind is, “Who do I trust MORE.” The ‘more’ is the most important word in that sentence, because three weeks in to this 2009 season, the number of teams you can trust can be counted on one hand. Same can be said about the number of teams you absolutely can not trust.

Week four is vital for this pick ‘em league. It’s the first week where bye weeks are present and there are less than 16 games to select. Less games means less of a chance to gain ground, and a bigger chance to lose it.

This week it’s simply a matter of trust.

Thank you Billy Joel.

TAMPA BAY @ WASHINGTON (-7.5)

Won’t Watch Even Though I Have Sunday Ticket Pick Of The Week.

My Pick: TB (+7.5)

Barnes: “This game reminds me of Joe Borowski. Awful. 'Nuff said.” Let's see if everyone can pick up on Matt Barnes Week Four Theme.

Lay: “Since the Eagles aren't playing this week and this game doesn't matter, I feel like this is a good time to let you know that Michael Vick told me he's the new spokesman for Kibbles 'n Bits. There will be a new brand coming out just for pit-bulls, aptly called Kibbles 'n Vick.” Nick Lay reacts to dropping a bit in the Gus Johnson standings with a strong week of comments.

Brian: “Gotta love the NFL. The Redskins snap Detroit's 19-game losing streak, and now they have to give over a TD the next week. Pretty soon, you will be able to get into a car accident and your insurance will go down, too.” Using this logic you will be able to kill a guy while drunk driving and only go to jail for a couple weeks. Oh wait.

Devin: “What a great year to draft #1 all the interesting QB choices. What’s that ... we drafted a QB last year? Never mind.” Poor Devin. At least he's in England where our Liverpool have won four in a row. Now they are in third place in the EPL. Giddy up.

Tynan: “Only thing more difficult than watching this game would be eating pumpernickel bread served by Kevin Hunt.” QOTW contender for Anthony Tynan.

BALTIMORE @ NEW ENGLAND (-2.5)

There is a longer track record of trust with the Patriots than there is with the Ravens. Winning by a field goal shouldn’t be a problem … if they win at all that is.

My Pick: NE (-2.5)

Barnes: “These teams will come storming out the gates with energy like John Rocker. Now, there's a guy I wouldn't mind Ray Lewis stabbing.” Could Barnes win back-to-back QOTW honors under the same Ray Lewis premise? Stay tuned.

Lay: “If Baltimore is a purebred golden retriever, the Browns are a cloned version that came out with three legs and a bald ass.” If Baltimore is a BMW, the Browns are The Beast.

Fiz: “Bill Belichick is such a cheeser – he has Tom Brady, Fred Taylor, Randy Moss, Joey Galloway, Adalius Thomas AND Shawn Springs all on the same team?!? Wait, this isn’t Madden 03? My bad.” QOTW possibility, which is the best thing to happen to Galloway in the last three years.

Hunt: “I think Wes Welker's ability to play in this game makes all the difference and not just because I have a man-crush on the guy. Baltimore had trouble with San Diego and probably would have lost that game had Norv Turner NOT been Norv Turner calling plays at the end.” Even in this god-awful economy, it amazes me that Norv Turner can continually get jobs and then keep them.

Hug: “Baltimore should find some "flash forward" jerseys to come out with in this game. They will need to predict the future to figure an improving Patriots team.” Speaking of FlashForward, even though Polito mentioned it last week, I must say that it has the potential to semi-fill the void LOST will leave one year from now.

TENNESSEE (-2.5) @ JACKSONVILLE

I’ve said multiple times that this league is more than just a collection of random guys. For instance, thanks to Sim Dynasty (a simulated baseball league), this group has their own baseball team. We are called the Cleveland ATS Killers. Check these links out to see how we are doing. Updates will be on the sidebar so you can follow yourself in action. (Sorry Luke Polito, they have a 25 man roster, and you were the odd-man out. But don’t worry, if a minor leaguer gets called up, you will take his place)

GAME ONE

GAME TWO

GAME THREE

Frankie’s Boner Pick Of The Week: TEN (-2.5)

Barnes: “These two teams are as hungry for this win as Bob Wickman is for a Vegas buffet. Actually, I don't think ANYTHING can compare to Bob Wickman's hunger.” Rex Ryan could give him a run for his money.

Lay: “I thought karma was a joke ... until the 2009 Tennessee Titans placed the Steve McNair decal on their helmets. Speaking of helmets, J'Ville is prepping it's 2010 helmets to prevent concussions for Tim Tebow. Early drafts show that it looks something like THIS.” Tennessee deserves everything they have gotten thus far with that decal.

Tynan: “Too soon to be talking about a Steve McNair curse?” Never.

Spider: “With both Maurice Jones-Drew and Mike Sims-Walker, the Jags have a distinct advantage in amount of last names on a roster. How do YOU intimidate your opponents?” Schaffer was a tad late with quotes, but I make exceptions for comments like that.

Hunt: “I like Jeff Fisher coaching in a game when his team's back is against the wall. I'd like him even more if he wears that throwback Oilers sweater every week of the season.” Could not stop laughing every time they showed Fisher last week. He looked like he was homeless and hadn't showered in four months.

Devin: “Shame on Del Rio for banning a radio show.” Think he was secretly upset that David Gerrard never asked Del Rio on as a guest?

OAKLAND @ HOUSTON (-9.5)

Oakland looked awful last week against Denver. Jeff Garcia is calling out the entire organization. Meanwhile, Houston has done a great job in underachieving for the past five years. That being said, I trust the Texans to win by ten points at home. If not now, then never.

My Pick: HOU (-9.5)

Barnes: “JaMarcus Russell might as well be Andy Marte. All the hype, tons of talent, plenty of potential, but where the hell is it?” Those two are very similar minus about 200 pounds.

Lay: “The Raiders won a game this year with an owner whose skin is dripping off of his face, a coach who punches other coaches, and a QB whose accuracy rivals that of the Klobb from GoldenEye. Unbelievable.” Two games I am dreading this season. Browns vs. Lions and Browns vs. Raiders.

Fiz: “So that’s what it’s like to get beaten by Chris Brown – I feel your pain, Rihanna.” Run it run it.

Hunt: “Ballbuster Pick of the Week: Taking the underdog in the 4th game listed. And it's a good thing because this is the Gus Johnson call of the week. Expect this game to be a five point win at most by either team.” SPEEEEED!

Hug: “Answer: Velvet - looking red suits. Question: What is Santa Clause and George Costanza designing a football uniform.” I'm continually amazed by the different ways George Costanza is incorporated into these comments.

Spider: "Spider: “About the only way the Raiders QB depth chart could be worse is if it included Charlie Frye. Wait a minute …” Don't forget Bruce Gradkowski. Trent Dilfer is on stand-by.

CINCINNATI (-5.5) @ CLEVELAND

History tells us that the Browns plays at least one good game at home before November. History also tells us that Derek Anderson plays well against the Bengals in Cleveland. Do I trust the Browns? No, but I trust taking six points with history on my side.

My Pick: CLE (+5.5)

Barnes: “The Browns should've just pulled a Keith Foulke. Quit before the season even started.” This just in Barnes ... they did quit before the season started.

Lay: “Being chosen as the Browns' starting QB is comparable to being the world's tallest midget.” Or the world's gayest straight guy.

Brian: “The loudest Cleveland Browns Stadium will be during this game will come when DA makes his first mistake. It could be a fumble, an incompletion, even a misstep during warmups. Can't wait.” It might be loud a lot.

Hunt: “I'm convinced the Browns will have to lose 6-0 or 3-0 or 2-0 to cover. In an interview this week, Tim Couch compared this year's team (and QB situation) to his time in Cleveland. Has there been a team with any less talent than the Browns in the last decade? The all-decade suck team would have to include at least seven Browns starters. There's so little talent in the city of Cleveland right now that reports say the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame plans on inducting Barry Manilow.” Going to give the last two sentences of this comment QOTW contention.

Devin: “Ladies and Gentleman welcome to the Anderson Era!!” Part Two.

Tynan: “O/U: Derek Anderson's shoe size minus interceptions/Derek Anderson completions.” O/U: DA's shoe size (15) plus IQ (50)/DA interceptions.

Smitty: “Has it really come to this. DA is back? I mean I can’t convey how heartbroken I am that BQ is awful. I mean its like being an Indians fan, or a Cavs fan, or a Notre Dame fan, or a Browns fan. Wait, maybe I can convey how heartbroken I am. Anyways. The fact that this game will be the only one on at my house because I live in Cincinnati makes me so upset. This game has the potential to be the worst game ever and I hate the Bengals, and Ochocinco is worthless, Im not sure if anyone saw Rick Reilly’s critique of his book but its insightful. He’s a jackass. Id rather burn my eyes out with a curling iron than watch this awful contest. And I still can’t take the Browns.” The only thing Quinn supporters can hope for is that BQ goes off on the "Nobody Believes In Me" mode. It could happen ... believe.

SEATTLE @ INDIANAPOLIS (-9.5)

This spread was not out when I sent the spreads, so I made it up on my own. Thankfully, Las Vegas shared my thinking, as I nailed it exactly. With that good karma going, I’ll take Peyton Manning until he fails me this season.

My Pick: IND (-9.5)

Barnes: “Peyton Manning is to the Colts what Grady Sizemore is to the Indians. Speaking of that, how great would it be to see Grady yell ‘cut that meat!’?” Only have ever seen one Grady commercial and that had him playing wiffle-ball in a back-yard. He could learn a thing or two from Peyton.

Lay: “Peyton Manning + Justin Timberlake + Erin Andrews = one helluva commercial. Or a naughty, naughty hotel porno. ‘Cut that meat! Cut that meat!’” QOTW contender.

Brian: “Chalk this up in the not-talked-about-enough category: Jim Caldwell has kept this finely tuned machine going as Tony Dungy's replacement. The fact that Dungy is linked more to Michael Vick than the Colts at this stage of the year is impressive.” Caldwell has done a nice job, but it's not like he had to do much either. Just stay out of the way more or less.

Hunt: “I should have known The Big Ju would have a great game on the ground last week for the Seahawks, being the eve of Yom Kippur. My next question: How were banks open on Monday if Jews couldn't work? And while we're here, the only thing black people do is commit crime and shoot guns; white people can't dance and white men can't jump; those following Islam are terrorists; and Asians can't drive.” I heart my friends.

Devin: “God I hate Peyton. I think I have taken Indianapolis every week now for about five years.” And the one time you have $500 depending on it, he lets you down. You will never escape this.

Hug: “I hope the Colts shut off the lights in Lucas Oil Stadium, I want to see Seattle glow in the dark.” Those are really bizarre uniforms ... but I kind of like them.

NEW YORK GIANTS (-8.5) @ KANSAS CITY

Smart money would be on Kansas City covering this rather large spread. But, I wouldn’t trust myself if I did.

My Pick: NYG (-8.5)

Brian: “The F'd Up Gods saw my tendency to pick Kansas City (who has not won yet, points or no points), so they decided to take the choice out of my hands. By the way, I would have picked the Giants had this not been the lucky game. No more talk. It's time for the always exciting, and soon to be award winning, F'd Up Pick of the Week (road team rolls first):

Roll #1: Back to back opening TD drives. Tied at 7 through one roll.
Roll #2: The defense stepping up a bit for both sides. 5 for the Giants, 4 for the Chiefs. 12-11 NYG.
Roll #3: New York pulling away a bit. A 7-3 advantage for the Giants during the roll. 20-14 through 3.
Roll #4: Don't count out these Chiefs. An 8-5 roll win. Now 25-22 GGGGGGGGGGGG-MEEEEENNNNN.
Roll #5: Uh oh. Eli got a lead, but the Eli Manning Face is out. The F'd Up stat of the week: KC ties the all-time record for points in a roll with an 11. NYG with only a 7. Kansas City on top 33-32 at the half.
Roll #6: Talk about a second-half pullaway. Todd Haley isn't exactly the halftime motivator. 10-3 Giants in the round. 42-36 NYG. This has been the most back-and-forth battle we've had yet.
Roll #7: A seven for the Giants, but KC battles back for the first and-one of the game, getting double-4s. The roll is...a 2. 49-46 NYG with three rolls left. Get ready ESPN Classic, this one is setting up to be a dousy.
Roll #8: A low scoring roll for both teams. Both got a 5. 54-51 Giants. Time to step up, Eli.
Roll #9: A solid 8 for the Giants, but ANOTHER DOUBLE 4 FOR KC!!!!! The and-one upcoming...and it's a 5! The Chiefs take the lead! Highest F'd Up score yet, a 13 for the Chiefs. Maybe I will pick the Chiefs every week this year. One roll to go, and the Chiefs have a 64-62 lead.
Roll #10: A decent 7 for the Giants means KC needs a 5 to tie and a 6 to win. The roll.......an 8! Kansas City with a thrilling 72-69 victory in the best F'd Up Pick of the Week yet.” I don't know how, but I love this more and more with every passing week.

Barnes: “This one will be over quick, just like Juan Gonzalez's 2005 season.” QOTW contender for four pitch. One of the many highlights of that freshman year at OU. Seems like such a long time ago.

Lay: “The Chiefs are as lively as Michael Jackson after a healthy dose of propofol.” The Chiefs are also as lively as all of O.J. Simpson's ex-wives.

Fiz: “Who was more of a girl: Coye ‘Ice Box’ Francies in that locker-room meltdown last week or Becky ‘Ice Box’ O’Shea in ‘Little Giants?’” Alex Lucius won Quote Of The Year last season with an Ice Box reference. Glad to see it again here.

Hunt: “It's hard to believe that a team in New York is going without much hype, but the Giants are doing it. Or maybe that's because I haven't watched SportsCenter in a week after high winds knocked our satellite dish off line. DirecTV says we could have put the dish up better than the Star Satellite guys who ACTUALLY put it up. That's like Trent Dilfer telling me I could run the Browns offense better than the guys calling plays right now.” Which you could. No question.

DETROIT @ CHICAGO (-10.5)

I adopted the Chicago Bears this season because I love Jay Cutler. Through three weeks they might be the team I trust the most. I trust they will find ways to keep games close. Give me the points.

My Pick: DET (-10.5)

Barnes: “This is a Todd Hollingsworth kind of game. Nothing spectacular but could be exciting at times. (Remember that friendly bet involving H-worth?)” I sure do, and so do those guys who were sitting in front of us when H-Worth inexplicably hit that home-run. They were almost as excited as you were Barnes.

Lay: “After watching Detroit issue a beat down to the 'Skins last weekend, it is now painfully apparent that the Browns could likely go 0-13 to start the year. On the bright side, it's almost Cavs season and they found Delonte West! Love it Cleveland!” WITNESS!

Brian: “The Lions are better than the Titans. They are just as good as the Steelers. But they are nowhere near the Broncos. If I said this 3 weeks ago, you would be confused. While, in baseball, it's the Yankees, Red Sox, Angels, Phillies, Cardinals, and Dodgers (and then probably the Tigers and Rockies)...there's your difference in parity, folks.” I heart the NFL.

Fiz: “The best thing about the Lions beating the Redskins is that I no longer have to worry about the Lions ended their winless streak against the Steelers next week. I probably would’ve off’d myself in the Ford Field parking lot.” Give me a break. Seriously Fiz. You were worried about the defending Super Bowl Champions losing to the win-less Detroit Lions! I feel like George Costanza and Fiz is Jerry Seinfeld, telling me how much bigger of a loser he is than me. Do you realize who you are talking to? Please, show some respect.

Hunt: “Bob Holtzman with ESPN said Scottie Pippen stopped by to talk with people waiting for the announcement of Chicago's Olympic bid. I blame him for the loss. Also, is there a city in the United States that is less prepared to host the Olympics than Detroit?!” Fostoria?

BUFFALO (-2.5) @ MIAMI

No clue on Buffalo, and not much clue on the Dolphins. I do know the Dolphins are starting Chad Henne, but I also know the Bills historically play bad at Miami. Going with my gut and taking the home team.

My Pick: MIA (+2.5)

Barnes: “Terrell Owens reminds me of Jose Mesa. He's got the talent but in the end, does he end up helping or hurting your team?” All Cleveland Indians, Dallas Cowboys, San Francisco 49ers, and Philadelphia Eagles fans know the answer to that question.

Lay: “Bold prediction for the week: TO swims to Cuba to avoid the oppression he's been a victim of in Buffalo.” I smell a reality show coming out of this.

Hunt: “I just can't take a team that lost it's starting QB, even though their starting QB didn't really play on half the snaps. This might be my least watched game of the week.” Tampa Bay and Washington will compete for those honors.

Devin: “Chad Henne is a starter in the NFL. Yep.” He wasn't even that good in college, and I'm willing to bet he was nothing special in high school.

Hug: “The Bison throwback helmet might just be the best in the game.” Always been a big fan of the Houston Oilers helmet myself.

NEW YORK JETS @ NEW ORLEANS (-6.5)

Not only do I not trust the entity known as Mark Sanchez, I would kill myself if I backed him this week.

My Pick: NO (-6.5)

Barnes: “The Jets are pulling a Cliff Lee right now. Defying expectations and playing some great ball. And since Lee won the Cy Young, that means the Jets will win the Super Bowl.” I would argue that Jaret Wright might have been the better reference here.

Lay: “Who really cares about this game? Both teams suck. This is really about the QB competition between Drew Brees and Mark Sanchez. And I'm not talking TDs here. Who's more handsome? One appeared in GQ, the other combs his hair like a 65-year old English teacher. Tough decision.” If Sanchez wins this beauty-looking contest I'm going to blame it on affirmative action.

Brian: “This is no 5-0 Alexander @ 5-0 Athens (which actually did happen Friday night...I'm not joking), but it should be interesting. And good for the two AHS's for being good this year. All you Gridiron folks know about the bad seasons they've had. The game, plus a Luke Florence reference, made for a great broadcast, too.” Athens is now 6-0 and could have some post-season plans. All the teams I covered last year are doing much better now that I have left. The Southern Ohio Copperheads made the finals after missing the playoffs with me, the Bulldogs are staring at nine or ten wins after winning four the year prior. Maybe I should start covering the Cleveland Browns right now?

Fiz: “When I was young, I remember playing Super Mario Bros. and kicking ass (if you got killed by the Goombas or turtles, you just sucked at life), only to get destroyed by Bowser or one of the other bosses. That’s pretty much how Rex Ryan will feel this week – he beat up on Matt Schaub, a game Tom Brady and Kerry Collins in the past three weeks, and now he’s going up against the boss in Drew Brees in the Superdome. Game over for the Jets’ unbeaten streak, and no resetting." Thought you were going to go with the Rex Ryan is the same size as Bowser here Fiz.

Smitty: “Sanchez is going to play like rookie at some point and I’ve said last week, I will take my odds with Drew Brees to cover everything on this planet.” Word.

ST. LOUIS @ SAN FRANCISCO (-10.5)

Big spread for a bad team. The Rams are starting Kyle Boller. I repeat, Kyle … Boller. I’ve already picked Henne, so now way am I doubling up and taking Boller as well.

My Pick: SF (-10.5)

Barnes: “The Niners are a Casey Blake kind of team. Nothing really stands out but they're gritty as hell. Kind of team Big John would like.” Big John will be rooting for the Dodgers in the postseason because of Casey Blake, and now maybe he will root for the 49ers.

Lay: “I find it amazing that SF can hack up the Alex Smith draft so much and still be good. I've heard of situations like that dooming franchises for decades. Take San Diego and Ryan Leaf. Oh. Really? That's right ... they're good. Well then look no further than the Titans and Vince Young. They've been terrible since they drafted him! Oh shoot ... they won 13 games last year. Well then ... I guess Tim Couch isn't entirely to blame for the last decade of Cleveland football.” I've said it before, and I'll continue to say it until it's false ... Tim Couch is the best QB the Browns have had since they returned. He's the only one to get Cleveland into the playoffs and the last one to beat Pittsburgh. Believe it.

Fiz: “Rams linebacker David Vobora got busted for taking performance-enhancing drugs. At least someone’s trying in St. Louis.” Hope Vobora didn't get those drugs from Albert Pujols.

Hunt: “Wait, did I just pick for Kyle Boller to play well on the road?! And he's terrible playing on the road for the most part of his career?!” He did throw two touchdowns last week against Green Bay.

Devin: “I really feel that you could combine the Browns, Bucs, and the Rams and the team would still go 8-8. I am making this statement without watching one minute of football this season.” Those eight wins are probably nine more than that mythical team would win.

DALLAS (-2.5) @ DENVER

Marion Barber is back and the Broncos finally face a team with a pulse.

Oh, and apparently Romo is homo.

My Pick: DAL (-2.5)

Barnes: “Got a feeling the Broncos are gonna pull a Travis Hafner. Really good early but just get worse with time. Screw you Travis Hafner.” Reminds me of Mitch Hedberg's "Pancake" joke. "As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. You're all happy at first, but then by the end, you're sick of 'em."

Lay: “I bet the Broncos are kicking themselves after hanging onto Brandon Marshall instead of trading him for Brady Quinn.” Where is Brian Robiskie? Is he alive?

Brian: “Romo is homo. (Luke always talks about picking up trends and that leading you to success in this league. Well, it can translate to the Bill Walton Award Standings too. That phrase is 2-for-2 on the QOTW board. I think I've found a trend.)” It's all about trends. Well done Boesch.

Fiz: “Let’s see if I can do this Cowboys haiku thing: Cowboys go mile high … And win; Romo’s still homo. I’m original.” Didn't take long Hunt for someone to copy your haiku idea. Two weeks.

Hunt: “No Mile High Club here. Jessica is fat and gone. Romo is homo.” That makes three straight Romo-homo references. And that's not even including a Woody-Romo story.

Spider: “The Broncos haven't been tested all season. This week I think they'll be like the kid who didn't study for his math test but has a really nice teacher, so he goes up and asks questions about all the problems, then the teacher basically explains exactly how to do them. Then he fails the test anyway.” This scenario explains about 65% of my elementary and high school classmates. Only in my scenario, the teacher will still pass everyone.

SAN DIEGO @ PITTSBURGH (-6.5)

Pittsburgh hasn’t covered all year. Not going to buck that trend this week.

My Pick: SD (+6.5)

Barnes: “Couple of Omar Vizquel teams. Consistently making the playoffs and always good for a highlight reel play or two.” Really think Barnes would have been better using the Alomar-Vizquel combination for this match-up. These teams always play close and entertaining games.

Lay: “I understand that most people know that Big Ben is a terrible person, but I'll share a story that should drive the point home like Ben drives his member home on unwilling hotel employees. After finishing up a 19 bar pub crawl in the spring of 2006 in beautiful Oxford, OH, my friends and I decided that we should probably go to a bar to wind down (or blackout). I went to the bar to grab some Natural Light drafts (only the best for my buddies) and went back to the spot that we had claimed. Unfortunately, Big Ben and his Big Crew had taken in over and he was trying to lure in unsuspecting 18-year olds into his circle of thrust. I was pretty mad since I loved the cubby hole and my friends got kicked out, so I put my hand on one of his bodyguards shoulders and said this to Ben while maintaining eye contact: "F*** you, you f*****n' faggot!" His bodyguards turned around and I pissed my pants and left immediately. On an unrelated note, I grilled some burgers when I got home and told an obese woman who was walking by to lay off the Twinkies. I guess this story points to me being an alcoholic more to Big Ben being a dick, but whatever. He's a rapist.” Story of the year candidate. Last two sentences might be used for QOTW.

Brian: “Pittsburgh looked like Cincinnati last week, and Cincinnati looked like Pittsburgh. It was weird. I like the Steelers to rebound this week, because cool people don't lose three in a row, and Mike Tomlin is a cool dude.” That would make Eric Mangini the lamest person in the league?

Devin: “No love for Roethlisberger after doing WWE.” Or after raping that girl. Anyone else thinking of Gilbert Gottfried’s roast of Bob Saget?

Smitty: “Pittsburgh is 0-3 ATS this year. This is a surprising trend to me but I just don’t see them as a team that’s going to cover a whole bunch. I am calling this trend and sticking with it.” No surprise that Smitty is doing so well ... kid is picking up on trends. Atta boy. Go Irish.

GREEN BAY @ MINNESOTA (-3.5)

Minnesota reminds me of Chicago. They both do just enough to win, and not enough to cover.

Let’s see how many unique ways this league can reference Brett Favre.

My Pick: GB (+3.5)

Barnes: “I can understand how Packers fans feel about Brett Favre. Indians fans have to see Victor Martinez in a Red Sox uniform. Screw you Mark Shapiro.” And we have to see Manny Ramirez, Casey Blake, Jim Thome, and Rafael Belliard all in Dodgers uniforms as well. Not to mention Cliff Lee in a Phillies uniform. Well done Shapiro.

Lay: “The moment we've all been waiting for! A former Packer who holds numerous team records and jumps ship to play for the Vikes! Oooohhhhh the nerve. How could anyone do this? I just hope that the defense takes it easy on this wily vet and he makes it out alive without tarnishing his reputation. Everyone will be gunning for this traitor! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you ... RYAN LONGWELL! You guys all remember the MNF game when Antonio Freeman downed a pooch punt of his at the 1, don't you? Freeman dove, the ball hit his back, and he rolled over and downed it! They still show it all the time whenever they talk about Ryan Longwell. Also, his dad died the night before to add to the drama. And there were only two seconds left. Amazing play.” Well done Lay. I wonder how much this angle will be covered on Monday night.

Brian: “ESPN's SportsNation (it's terrible) is trying to shoot for a world record of the most Brett Favre references in one program (I'm not kidding ... HERE) Imagine being the intern trying to find the actual record. This may involve a trip to John Madden's "after hours" department. God speed, young buck.” That show is brutal. Enough said.

Fiz: “It’s bad enough that this is Favre’s first game against the Packers. It’s worse that it’s on ESPN. But no, he had to throw the game-winning pass against San Francisco (even though Greg Lewis got hardly any credit for making the best catch I’ve seen since Santonio’s in the Super Bowl), so the slurping off of Favre will be at an all-time high. I can just see it now:

Mike Tirico: “And welcome to the Brett L. Favre Metrodome in Minnesota, where on Monday Night Favreball, the 3-0 Vikings get set to host the 2-1 Packers. I’m Mike Favrico, alongside Ron Ja-four-ski and Brett Gruden. Guys, this should be a great matchup between two rivals in the NFC North.”

Ron Jaworski: “Yes, it should, Brett. The Packers are riding the arm of Brett – I mean, Aaron Rodgers, and he’s throwing to a dangerous pair of receivers in Greg Jennings and Donald Driver. Coach, go ahead and talk about the Vikings.”

Jon Gruden: “Gladly. The Vikings have the best running back in the league in Favrian (rhymes with Adrian) Peterson. I expect him to have a big night on the ground. And guys, don’t forget – the Vikings have that No. 4 guy on their team. (all three giggle while Tirico wipes his chin with the back of his hand) The guy has led as many fourth-quarter comebacks as he’s made retirement speeches!” (continue uproar)

I think I’m watching “Dancing with the Stars” that night.” Yes, these are ATS members.

Hunt: “This whole hype has been over Brett Favre, but I maintain that the Packers need to put eight in the box on every play if they're going to stop Adrian Peterson. I mean, Ced Benson was at home with the Bengals when they ran all over Green Bay. Should be fun to watch Woody get as angry watching AP run as it was for him to watch us as AP killed the Browns in Week One.” Well, at least we were anticipating it.

Devin: “Remember when TB could have traded for Calvin Johnson? Yep, side note, Cranberry juice, orange juice and disaronno make an excellent combination. Just saying.” On that day Devin, we should have figured out that our teams would be this bad.

Tynan: “Rodgers moons Favre with his butt cheeks pressed against the bus window when Rodgers leaves Minnesota with a win.” Somewhere Mike Singletary is smiling.

Hug: “Sidebar: Brett Favre is looking to become the first player in NFL history to beat all 32 teams, but watch for Aaron Rodgers outperforming his counterpart. I just can't pick the purple team here.” How many teams has Favre beaten? Remember, you have to include the Old Cleveland Browns, Houston Oilers, Los Angeles Raiders, etc. It may be 36 plus.

Smitty: “Time for the Brandon Bursa Shockrocker Pick Of The Week … Bursa got a hold of me and said he liked GB and I don’t feel too strongly about this game so I can go with that. Everyone likes Minnesota so I can see the packers coming out and making a statement game against he who shall not be named.” Big thank you to Smitty and Brandin Bursa for making this happen. Much appreciated.

Spider: “I don't think Brett Favre is very good, but Kyle Boller threw two TDs against the Packers ... there's something unsettling about that.” Very much so.

There you go. Hope you enjoyed the week four column.

Please go HERE for the special sections ... including a return of Bart Borer's Thoughts For The Week as well as the most recent edition of In The Zone by Jason Fazzone.

Week Four picks will be out very soon.

Until then, "read it, roll it, hole it."

2009 NFL ATS Pick 'Em: Week Four - Special Sections

By: Luke Florence

Bart Borer’s Thoughts That Matter - Vol. III - Num. I

By: Bart Borer

I guess we can look at my overall record in two different ways. First we could say that I have scored an 18 out of 48, an F- by my calculation – not a grade they like to give out very often! Or in terms of baseball it would be like batting .375, great if you’re in the majors. The only problem is that I am not in the majors, this is more like intramurals, and .375 is not impressive.

So either way you look at it, I suck.

Since my current method of picking these games is obviously not working, I have decided to change. Instead of sending a text at the last minute about wanting to take home teams, or favorites, or some other blanket pick, I am now going to pick according to a theme for the week.

Since it is starting to get cold in the Cincinnati area this week, I am going to use that as my first theme. I am picking the team that is located in the colder/snowier/crappier weather city.

Random News from My Life:

This last weekend I drove past The Ohio University and It brought back approximately 415486665131315484843321 good memories. Since this is a family friendly blog, and most of the memories included some sort of illegal, unethical, and/or socially unacceptable behavior, I will not get into details. I have a feeling many of the readers either had a role in or have heard of some of the stories, so the details are not really necessary in this forum. That’s all.

Until next time: Peace. Love. Burrito Buggy.
______________________________________________________________

IN THE ZONE - Vol. I - Num. V

...WHERE YOU WON’T SEE TEXTUAL FELLATIO ON ABC EXECUTIVES

By: Jason Fazzone

I can’t believe I’m responding to last week’s “Knowledge Dropping,” but I feel it’s my duty to do so.

I got called out for using what Ryan Polito calls “poor ethics” because he claims I ripped him off. If I wanted to rip off a second-rate entertainment publication, I’d buy the National Enquirer. While he may have been “shocked and furious” at what I wrote about, I sure wasn’t shocked by his Most Dominant of the week – an ABC show being called the next LOST. Yawn. Can’t wait for the breakdown of this week’s episode in the next “Knowledge Dropping”!

Anyway, he can keep the Most/Least Dominant concept; I’ve scrapped the good, bad and ugly. In its place will come the Polito of the Week, an award given to the most boneheaded event of the week. This award is named for (as we all know) Polito breaking his hand after missing a layup and punching a basketball hoop.

This week’s Polito goes to Casey Babcock of the Otter Valley (Vermont) High School football team. With one second left in Otter Valley’s game this past weekend and the Otters up by two, its opponents, Jericho Mount Mansfield High School, lined up for a game-winning 46-yard field goal attempt. The kick was well short, but Babcock fielded the kick on the fly in the end zone. While celebrating his team’s apparent victory, Babcock ran toward the sideline and spiked the ball, which was still live. An alert Jeff Sutherland picked up the ball for Jericho and ran it back for a touchdown, giving the Cougars the victory.

So congratulations to Casey Babcock, the winner of the Polito of the Week.

We now go from the stupid…to the incompetent. Apparently, Steelers wide receiver Limas Sweed attempted to commit suicide Monday, but he dropped the gun.

All joking aside, it’s a relief to finally see Mike Tomlin get the hint that Sweed can’t catch and is a total bust, as is the entire draft class of 2008. Sweed will most likely be de-activated, which means Shaun McDonald, my Steelers sleeper of the season, will finally see some playing time. McDonald was a very reliable receiver in his days with the Rams and Lions, and should make as good an impact as you can for a No. 4 receiver.

Another problem that surfaced last week was the second-half play of the defense. It’s hard to guess what the deal is for a unit that was tops in the league last season. Is it age, as some have suggested (five of the front seven are over 30)? Is it the loss of Troy Polamalu? Is it being on the field too long because of a conservative second-half offensive gameplan? Is it complacency after a Super Bowl victory?

The answer could very well be all four – last year’s defense would not have allowed Cedric Benson to run for a score from 20 yards out, and definitely would have kept Carson Palmer and his merry men of mediocrity out of the end zone on the final drive. Whatever the problems are, they need to be fixed by this Sunday night’s game against San Diego.

The Chargers haven’t won in Pittsburgh since the 1995 AFC Championship Game, which bodes well for the Steelers, but then again, before last week, the Steelers hadn’t lost in Cincinnati since 2001.

Questions are surrounding LaDainian Tomlinson’s status for the game, to which I say I hope he plays because he’s far less of a threat at this point in his career than Darren Sproles.

As for the Steelers’ running game, Willie Parker exploded against this same Chargers defense in the teams’ last meeting. Of course, Shawne Merriman wasn’t on the field for San Diego, but maybe Pittsburgh’s offensive coaches have seen a flaw in the Chargers’ defense. Then again, Bruce Arians is in charge, so never mind. I’m quite confident he determines his game-plan using the F’d Up Tourney rules (I can picture Arians sitting in his office at 2 a.m. Sunday saying, “If I don’t roll at least a 10 here, the screen is out today.”)

A win Sunday night puts the Steelers at 2-2 with games against the Lions and Browns to follow, a very navigable stretch. A loss means the Steelers would have to beat Detroit and Cleveland just to get to .500, and who knows how far ahead the Ravens will be by then.

September is over, and the haves will begin to separate themselves from the have-nots. If Pittsburgh wants to avoid the 2006 talk, it’ll pull through, but it’s going to be tough without Polamalu. In a pick as predictable as Polito’s love affair with anything LOST-related, I’m taking the Steelers in a nail-biter.

Until next time, go Steelers!
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Po's Knowledge Dropping - Vol. II - Num. III

Week 3 in Review

By: Ryan Polito

MOST DOMINANT- Mike Blowers
Seattle Mariners TV analyst, who apparently has time travel abilities that rival those of our friends from 'LOST'. During the pre-game broadcast of a September 27, 2009 game between the Mariners and the Toronto Blue Jays, Blowers predicted with great detail rookie Matt Tuiasosopo's first career home run, stating accurately that the home run would come in Tuiasosopo's second at bat on a 3-1 count fastball, the pitcher it would be hit off, and the ball would land in the second deck in left center field. When I saw this I could not believe it, he correctly predicted all of those details before the game even started!!!!

LEAST DOMINANT- Jason Fazzone
I have no idea what his response to my blog last week is going to be, but im sure its going to be very soft. So congratulations, In the Zone ... you have become the first person in 'Knowledge Dropping' history to make back-to-back appearances on least dominant.

Fun Fact of the Week:
In the last 2 weeks, the Pittsburgh Steelers have led for a total of 119 minutes and 37 seconds of actual game-time. They have trailed for a grand total of 23 seconds of actual gametime. THEY LOST BOTH GAMES ... SICK.

Cya next week, Go Steelers.