By: Luke Florence
Okay, so in PART ONE, we rolled the first 32 match-ups for the Mainstay tournament, and now we are left with 32 more. No trickiness here, but expect some greater detail on the last couple of matches.
Enjoy.
40) Cedar Point vs. 89) Bill Simmons
The theme park takes a 47-38 lead to the half.
Cedar Point shows its muscle taking out The Sports Guy ... 99-78 ... well, if Simmons really wants in, he can put me in his next mailbag.
27) The Beast vs. 102) Seinfeld
49-33 for the best car Tiffin has ever seen.
At least Costanza won earlier ... The Beast keeps on truckin ... 81-77.
50) New Year's Eve Disco Bash vs. 79) Ernest Byner
Winner gets Ronald Pittman.
43-30 for Byner ... but remember, Byner played exceptionally well in the first half during the Fumble game too.
82-62 ... Byner is just too strong ... his only loss in the entire F'd Up Tourney history was to the Lesbians ... watch out Pittman.
60) True Colors vs. 69) Michael Jordan
37-37 at half ... how clutch is MJ?? ... we will find out.
89-69 in favor of His Airness ... LeBron who??
30) Gridiron Glory vs. 99) That's What She Said
Winner gets the highest scorer thus far, Looper/Olson.
37-33 for TWSS at half.
75-73 for TWSS in an exciting second half ... Looper/Olson is ecstatic ... they outscored TWSS by 38 ... goodness.
46) Mitch Hedberg vs. 83) Fuck You
36-34 for Fuck You with five rolls to go.
This just in ... Mitch Hedberg is dead ... Fuck You wins 82-71.
62) Scotty B vs. 67) Vinny Testaverde
The last Browns QB to win a playoff game is up 39-35 at half.
Scotty B rolls double 6's in his second to last roll, and then rolls a 19 on his final to win by four ... INCREDIBLE!! ... 88-84.
28) Norm Duke vs. 101) The Frank Twins
The dynamic duo up 47-33 at half ... Norm Duke needs some help.
Duke gave it his all ... but fell short (pun intended) 79-72 ... The Frank Twins face WHEI In The Mornings ... thus guaranteeing themselves a spot somehow in the Big Dance.
55) Fort Ball Buffet vs. 74) Brady Quinn
The 2009 Browns starting QB up 36-31 at half.
69-65 in a sloppy outing ... winner ... Fort Ball Buffet ... not a good '09 start for Quinn.
56) Tiffin Calvert vs. 73) Keith Cawley
In a tight contest ... Cawley takes a 37-35 lead to half ... this man made it to the Elite 8 last year before falling to yours truly.
Not a surprising result ... Cawley takes it in stride ... 77-67 ... watch out for this guy.
58) Bart Borer vs. 71) Pizza Hut Lunch Buffet
43-37 for PHLB ... Bart has his work cut out for him.
Bart finally met his match, as PHLB tears up Borer ... 90-71 ... not even Bart can conquer the Buffet franchise.
59) Cool Runnings vs. 70) Jeff Gordon
44-39 for the greatest movie of all-time ... what a battle.
Gordon finishes just behind Cool Runnings ... losing 76-73 ... feel the rhythm, feel the rhyme.
45) Cleveland Browns vs. 84) Semi-Charmed Life
As usual, the Browns trail 35-32 at half.
And, as usual, the Browns lose right at the end ... 70-69 ... Semi-Charmed Life prevails.
49) Rick Majerus vs. 80) Mitch Richmond
36-34 Richmond at the half ... Majerus already tired.
Coach Majerus makes the half-time adjustments, and wins an instant classic ... 77-76.
21) Ultimate Drama vs. 108) Wicked Sweet
In the highest scoring first-half yet ... Wicked Sweet is up 53-40 ... do these guys have anything left for the 2nd half??
Wicked Sweet only scores 23 points in the 2nd half, but it is just enough to win 76-75. Winner gets the winner of the Walton-Koma showdown.
44) Bill Walton vs. 85) Jason Koma
Walton is disgusted, as an 8 was the highest roll for either squad. Walton up 30-28 at half.
Second straight game where the trailing team has the last roll, but ends up one point short. Walton holds on 66-65. Five straight decided by three or fewer. Buckle in folks.
9) Big John vs. 120) Bob "The Wickster" Wickman
Winner gets Keith Cawley.
Big John up 45-37 at half ... but can Wickster come back and get the save??
Wickster never gets the chance to blow the save, as he trails throughout on his way to a 83-75 defeat.
Big John ... meet Keith Cawley.
17) Allan Houston vs. 112) B To P
38-29 for the old Bengals connection ... Blake to Pickens.
AGAIN, the trailing team comes up one point short on the final throw ... what are the odds?? ... B to P lives to fight another day ... winning 77-76.
48) Arby's vs. 81) Gus Johnson
Arby's leads 42-40 at the half ... still holding out hope Gus can rebound ... he is still furious about his Lesbians loss three years ago.
BATISTA WITH THE CATCH!!!! ... MY NAME IS GUS JOHNSON AND I ROLL DICE!!! ... Gus wins it 96-84, in run-a-way fashion. It did happen ... believe.
5) Mrs. Bursa's Popcorn vs. 124) Tiffin
T-Town, the Cy Young Killer three years back, puts up a 16 in the final seconds of the first half to go into the locker-room, up 43-39.
However, Mrs. Bursa's Popcorn outlasts T-Town, winning 76-73. Up next for Mrs. Bursa will be Michael Jordan.
1) The Office vs. 128) Alex Lucius
Lucius, who only scored 59 in qualifying dead last ... puts up a measly 28 in the first half ... lucky for him, The Office only scored 31.
In, without question was the most entertaining match thus far, Lucius rallies to win 65-64, scoring a 9 on his last throw to win by one. America prevails!!
38) DP's vs. 91) Big Ten Basketball
51-43 Big Ten Basketball??? ... AT THE HALF??? ... This is without a doubt the F'd Up Tourney ... no where else will you find big ten basketball scoring 51 in an entire game, let alone one half of play.
84-78 gives Big Ten the win ... go figure ... too bad The Beast awaits them.
33) Beer vs. 96) Forgetting Sarah Marshall
32-28, as last year's runner-up, Beer, leads at half.
Change the format and it doesn't matter ... Beer still prevails ... 75-65.
64) Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs. 65) Structured Randomness
Winner gets Alex Lucius.
Our last actual professional "team" still in it, ND trails 36-31 at half.
Fitting that all of our pro teams are out after one round ... ND loses to Structured Randomness 77-63. Again, not a good '09 start for the Irish. Big Al awaits.
39) Fifty On The Fifties vs. 90) Black History Month
44-39 in favor of Barnes' favorite month. G-Unit needs to make some line-up changes.
It may be July, but February survives ... winning 82-77 ... in all fairness, Barnes' February felt like our July.
11) Matt Barnes vs. 118) Tom Hamilton
We are going to do a R-B-R (roll-by-roll) for this titanic match-up. Kevin will be rolling for the voice of the Indians, while I will be rolling for the other guy.
Game on.
Roll #1 - Barnes leads with a 9, and Hamilton follows with a 5.
Roll #2 - Barnes now has 16, and Hamilton closes the gap. Score 16-12 Barnes.
Roll #3 - Barnes rolls double 2's, AND ONE's a 6, while Hamilton rolls a 9. Score, 26-21 Barnes.
Roll #4 - A seven for Barnes, and snake eyes for Hamilton (AND ONE's a 5). Score, 33-28 Barnes.
Roll #5 - Double 4's for Barnes (AND ONE's another 6), while Hamilton limps in to the locker-room. 47-33 at the half in favor of Matt Barnes.
Roll #6 - Staying consistent to start the 2nd half, Barnes rolls an 8, Hamilton follows with a 9. Barnes up 55-42.
Roll #7 - First bad roll for Barnes (5), and Hamilton responds with a 17 (5+5+5+2). Barnes leads 60-59 with just three rolls left. Goodness.
Roll #8 - Another five for Barnes, as Hamilton grabs the lead for the first time all game. Hamilton now up 69-65.
Roll #9 - An average seven for Barnes, while Hamilton piles it on. Hamilton up 80-72. An astonishing 47 points in four rolls for Hamilton in the 2nd half.
Last Roll - SWUNG ON AND MISSED ... BALLGAME!!! ... Hamilton closes out the win, taking out Barnes 85-79.
57) Major League I and II vs. 72) Casey Blake
In the Roger Dorn Championship, the movies have the better of the real thing thus far, 41-33 mid-way.
A back-and-forth affair ends up with Major League I and II coming out ahead ... winning on the final roll ... 79-78. Up next is George Costanza.
4) LOST vs. 125) Grady Sizemore
Two big guns come out swinging ... 51-44 Grady at the half.
Grady keeps up scoring, while LOST can not keep up. Sizemore wins it 92-74. Randy Hunt "Rub Money" awaits.
42) Lesbians vs. 87) Tim Couch
49-34 for the last Browns QB to beat the Pittsburgh Steelers.
In the upset of the tournament ... Timmy Couch knocks off the Lesbians ... BY THIRTY!! ... 92-62. The Lesbians are screaming to bring the quarter back (pun intended).
51) Chris Farley vs. 78) Trainwreck
42-37 for the big fat man ... Farley and Jimmy V are the only dead candidates left.
Needing an 8 to tie, Trainwreck rolled a 23 on their last throw, to win 99-84. Jimmy V now stands alone. Up next for Trainwreck is Brad Bursa who defeated Awful earlier today.
7) Butch Davis vs. 122) Bernie Kosar
40-33 for the Coach ... and he still has two challenge flags to use.
In one of the ugliest match-ups in recent history, Butch Davis advances 68-64. You can send donations for Bernie Kosar, just address them to me.
31) Yankees "E League" Team vs. 98) David Carr
This is history ... right now. Let's go roll by roll to close out the 1st round.
Roll #1 - Yankees get the better of the first rolls ... Yankees lead 7-5.
Roll #2 - Keeping the momentum going, the Yankees now are up 17-11.
Roll #3 - Stretching the lead ever so little, Yankees lead it 26-19 after three rolls.
Roll #4 - Big roll by David Carr puts him right back in it, as he trails by one, 31-30.
Roll #5 - Going into half-time, Professor Carr has the lead, up 39-38.
Roll #6 - Doubles by Carr stretches his lead to ten, 55-45.
Roll #7 - Yankees might be out of gas, as they trail it 62-51 after seven.
Roll #8 - And the undefeated might suffer their first loss to the man, the myth, the legend. Carr up 70-58.
Roll #9 - Doubles rolled by the Yankees give them hope, but they still trail it 74-66 with just one roll left.
Roll #10 - That's all she wrote for the undefeated Yankees. David Carr hands them their first ever loss, by a final score of 81-73.
Thank you for joining us tonight for the 1st Round of the Mainstay Tournament. We will be back very soon for the 2nd Round, where the winners will punch their ticket to the Big Dance.
Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."
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