2009 NFL ATS Pick 'Em: Week Five QOTW ... And More

By: Luke Florence

Had there been a week five column, the song would have been the following.

Mainly because the New York Giants and New York Jets had just one loss entering week five, but also due to the added bonus of Braylon Edwards finally leaving Cleveland for ... New York.

Had there been a week five column, the following would have been the special picks of the weeks.

Luke Florence's Not Going To Watch And I Have Sunday Ticket: MIN (-10.5)
Anthony Tynan's That Line Is Too Good To Be True: WAS (+3.5)
Brian Boesch's F'd Up Pick Of The Week: PIT (-10.5)
Kevin Hunt's Ballbuster Pick Of The Week: WAS (+3.5)
Jamie Reamer's Romeo Crennel Coin Flip Of The Week: DEN (+3.5)
Jessica Corey's Frankie's Boner Of The Week: ARI (-5.5)
Erik Smith's Brandin Bursa's Shockrocker Pick Of The Week: ARI (-5.5)
Shane Kline's Shane's Slick Pick Of The Week: PIT (-10.5)

Okay, now to the recap part. Each week I present to you the top ten quotes of the week. Since there was not a week five column I thought the best way to do the QOTW would be to give you a top 40 QOTW ... Casey Kasem style.

Only the top ten will be awarded Bill Walton points, but at the very least, you can get a sense of everyone's comments.

Before Sunday, there will be a standings column as we are approximately 1/3 of the way through the season. Stay tuned.

TOP 40 WEEK FIVE QUOTES

40-tie) “I'll get in on it too...Romo is Homo.” - Jamie Reamer.

40-tie) “Dallas is not good … Kansas City also bad … Romo is homo.” - Nick Lay.

40-tie) “I think I'm supposed to make a Romo is homo reference here? I believe that is a league trend I've picked up on. and apparently it needs to be in the form of a haiku. But I never paid attention in the classes where we learned about haiku's so, Romo is homo Dallas covers-o if that’s no good, too bad.” - Erik Smith.

39) “At least we can now officially settle the Quinn/Russell debate. The answer? Calvin freakin' Johnson.” - Devin Frank.

38) “Rex Ryan well on his way down the road to Accomplishmentville.” - Kevin Hunt.

37) “BRETT FAVRE. BRETT FAVRE. BRETT FAVRE. BRETT FAVRE. I've just been hired as a contributor for ESPN.com. BRETT FAVRE. BRETT FAVRE. BRETT FAVRE.” - Brian Boesch.

36) “Just think if the Browns came back one year earlier.” - Devin Frank.

35) “I would like to know how often it is that an 0-4 team is favored. I mean this has to be some sort of a rarity. How bad is Washington I mean holy crap that is just embarrassing. It's like when the drunken jealous ex-bf gets a hold of the microphone at a wedding and everyone is just waiting for the guy to make an ass of himself. It's definitely awkward and you're just waiting for it to get ugly, and if anyone can be the drunken idiot that makes things ugly, Its Dan Snyder.” - Erik Smith.

34) “Addition by Subtraction should make the Browns better by dropping Braylon Edwards (haha, get it?). And on a side note, how much would we all pay to see LeBron fight Braylon (or LeBron replace Braylon Edwards-Scissorhands as WR)? Let's start a petition.” - Jamie Reamer.

33) “Couldn't be happier about watching Braylon Edwards on MNF in a Jets uniform. It's good that his slogan isn't "kiss the baby" because there would be a lot of dead babies around after he drops them on their head.” - Nick Lay.

32) “New York was the perfect place for Braylon Edwards to land. Who is the Knicks' highest paid player and therefore most likely to have friends for Braylon to fight? Former Cavs fail Larry Hughes.” - Jeff Schaffer.

31) “So, sources tell Sal Paolantonio that the Eagles and Andy Reid are discussing a long-term deal. First off, it seems like fans switch sides on their feelings about Reid more than any coach in sports. Secondly, and more importantly, good for Sal Pal. I think it's the first story not broken by ESPN's Adam Schefter since he went to ESPN. Seriously, this guy's Twitter is ESPN's NFL page summarized in 140 characters or less. He's the Tiger Woods of reporting.” - Brian Boesch.

30) “‘Berried Treasure’ - You would think a team named after Pirates would be able to find theirs. It wasn't Byron Leftwich. Probably not Josh Johnson either. Maybe Jimmy Clausen?” - Matt Barnes (Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream Flavors Theme).

29) “Brett Favre is like ESPN's Dave and Busters card. They just keep passing him out and people keep coming back to spend the dollars thus creating a self sustaining economy. Mack and Dennis would be proud.” - Erik Smith.

28) “No. 1 reason why Michael Crabtree will be a bust: he has MC Hammer as a business associate. I would trust Hammer with my money as much as I would trust myself in a room with drunk, married women, or as much as I would trust Polito to write a good column.” - Jason Fazzone.

27) “I'm convinced that the Eagles' entire offensive depth chart would start for the Bucs. I've legitimately never heard of Josh Johnson.” - Jeff Schaffer.

26) “I feel like Crabtree and Singletary will turn into Dwight and Michael from The Office after Michael finds out Dwight went behind Michael's back to try and get his job. Months and months of doing laundry for Crabtree, which includes Singletary's lacy panties.” - Nick Lay.

25) “‘Cherry Garcia’ - It's Hispanic Heritage Month and I figured the last name Garcia is most prevelant in these two NFL cities [Hou + Ari]. Vamos!” - Matt Barnes.

24) “My girlfriend (Bengals fan) forced me to go to the game last week roughly 4 hours before kickoff. Even though I got piss drunk, the Bengals still weren't attractive when seen through my beer goggles. If I had woken up next to the Bengals Monday morning, I would have had to lift up the covers, pray that I had boxers on, and, if not, hope to God that there's a used condom in my trash can.” - Nick Lay.

23) “Ray Lewis called the officiating in last week’s loss to the Pats “embarrassing to the game.” Considering Ray knows a thing or two about embarrassing the game, I guess I’ll take his word for it.” - Jason Fazzone.

22) “Not gonna lie, I'm just going to reserve this space for another Barnes "Ray Lewis Killing a Guy" joke. Going against the Gus Johnson Game of the Week pick. Instantly regret Baltimore here. Somewhere Gus is shaking his head ... and screwing a chick.” - Kevin Hunt.

21) “So Rob Ryan comes out on Friday and says that the uprights were crooked? I'm glad we don't look at film until Friday. Our only chance to win might be when have 15 days before the MNF game against Baltimore. Too bad we play Baltimore.” - Brian Boesch.

20) “‘Neapolitan Dynamite’ - If Al Davis and the Raiders were blown up by dynamite, would anyone care? Didn't think so. Though knowing Al Davis, he'd just resurface like Wile E. Coyote to torment us all with his stupidity.” - Matt Barnes.

19) “Is it possible for the Jags to have their road games blacked out too?” - Jason Fazzone.

18) “In Bill Walton voice: Has there ever been a defensive tackle better than Jeff Zgonina?!” - Kevin Hunt.

17) “Kurt Warner's time has come. Last year was fun, don't get me wrong. Just not seeing it this season. I think it's because his wife actually looks like a woman know, so he's lost a lot of his toughness, meaning that he has to fight his own physical battles instead of her.” - Nick Lay.

16) “I have nothing against Kurt Warner, but does anyone else find it really irritating that he wears gloves on both hands? Maybe it dates back to his grocery-stocking days I've heard way too much about.” - Jeff Schaffer.

15) “‘Magic Brownies’ - When will Cincy’s magic disappear? Probably faster then when police arrest Ray Lewis for stabbing someone.” - Matt Barnes.

14) “I’m glad the cheesers didn’t bring in Junior Seau this week. I have John Randle in my ‘Which 40-and-up player do the Patriots bring in next?’ pool.” - Jason Fazzone.

13) “When Kyle Orton out-duels your quarterback, you've got problems.” - Jeff Schaffer.

12) “If you cannot protect the man you used your #1 pick on, why is he playing? Look at Tim Couch! Out of the league at 27, forced to use steroids. If he ever makes it back into the league (not going to happen) he's got 6 games to sit out for his suspension. Who knows, in 2019, Matthew Stafford could be starting for the Las Vegas Locomotives, since the UFL will definitely last that long.” - Nick Lay.

11) “Proof that the Bucs have fallen hard: former safety and Super Bowl XXXVII MVP Dexter Jackson made his 2009 debut this weekend – in the UFL.” - Jason Fazzone.

10-tie) “My McNabb's back and your Bucs are in trouble. Hey now, hey now, my McNabb's back!” - Kevin Hunt.

10-tie) “It just dawned on me that Maurice Jones-Drew clearly should be my favorite player in the NFL, they said he was too small, he said F-U...plus I respect a man with fantastic thighs.” - Shane Kline.

9) “I really hope Eli doesn’t play in this game because I want to see David Carr go up against JaMarcus Russell. Ever see $114 million get flushed down the toilet? Here’s your chance!” - Jason Fazzone.

8) “The Browns got the wrong Belichick assistant. They got the wrong Ryan brother. Can't wait until they probably get the wrong Big XII QB in the 2010 draft. You know it's coming.” - Brian Boesch.

7) “Wasn't aware that Steve Smith went Rae Carruth and is hiding in a trunk somewhere. Even if this isn't the case, his statistics would back up my claim.” - Nick Lay.

6) “Despite having a bye last week, the Panthers are worse than ever in my mind.” - Jeff Schaffer.

5) “I feel like the Browns are going to go Jon Lester on the rest of this season since they've completed chemo and have kicked cancer.” - Nick Lay.

4) “‘Everything But The …’ - The Lions are gonna hafta do just about everything right and even then, it won't be enough. Wow, kind of sounds like Kevin Hunt.” - Matt Barnes.

3) “Too bad Braylon Edwards didn't get traded to the Bills, then they'd have three receivers for Trent Edwards to not get the ball to.” - Jeff Schaffer.

2) “I'm countering Eli's injury with McFadden's injury. Except for the fact that McFadden's injury wasn't self-caused. Watching Eli's injury must be similar to what Annie Sullivan had to endure all the times Helen Keller couldn't understand what "water" meant.” - Kevin Hunt.

1) “Braylon Edwards created the blueprint on how to get out of Cleveland: take out someone in LeBron’s posse. Can’t wait to hear about Grady Sizemore kicking Maverick Carter (Bron’s agent) in the balls outside a Cleveland nightclub, then doing a Tiger Woods fist-pump in celebration.” - Jason Fazzone.

So there you go. Hope you enjoyed it and shared a few laughs. Remember, be on the look-out for a standings column before our week six column. Congratulations to Jason Fazzone for winning the Week Five Quote Of The Week. Fiz is the fifth different league member to take home the weekly award.

I will leave you with a semi-rant by one of our league members, Jamie Reamer. It describes perfectly my sentiments for Braylon Edwards.

"Braylon gets his chance to be the diva he's always wanted. He's been trying for years to get out of Cleveland: running sprints in socks, claiming Browns fans don't like him because he went to Michigan (grow up, your in the NFL) just to name a few instances. Not even leading the league in drops could do it; it took him to sucker punch the Cleveland Mayor (possibly Ohio Governor) Bron Bron's friend in the face before he was finally kicked out of town. Good, peace out you stone-handed piece of crap, you thought Cleveland was tough, have fun with the New York media when (not if) you drop a few balls.”

Amen.

Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."