Each season brings something unique to the table. Spring gives us a respite from snow. Summer gives us pool-side days. Winter gives us Christmas. Fall gives us football.
But, Fall also brings much more than just action on the gridiron. It gives us Halloween, color-changing leaves, the World Series, and lastly … Homecoming.
This weekend my past (Ohio University) and present (University of Wisconsin) are celebrating Homecoming. With it comes kegs and eggs, parades, rivalry football games, and acquaintances renewed. A time truly worth celebrating.
With that in mind, we dive in to a tasty week six schedule.
ST. LOUIS @ JACKSONVILLE (-10.5)
The Rams have scored 34 points in five contests. Just less than a touchdown per game. Using that logic, all the Jaguars would need to cover would be two touchdowns and a field goal. Sounds simple enough right?
My Pick: JAX (-10.5)
Barnes: “This game is like the Burrito Buggy of this week’s games. So many better options around and if you decide to partake, it’ll just make you sick.” Matt Barnes decided to use Ohio University as his theme for this week. Well done sir.
Fiz: “What used to be the “Greatest Show on Turf” would have a hard time making it on Public Access at 2 a.m. these days.” Hence the blackouts. No one said Jacksonville fans were stupid.
Reamer: “How can a team lose 41-0 one week and the next is 10.5 point favorites? Oh its St. Louis.” Welcome to the Kyle Boller show.
Brian: “If Luke had a season-ending Not Going To Watch And I Have Sunday Ticket award show, week 6 would probably take the cake for the best spread. This week is terrible, and this might be the worst of the bunch.” It’s certainly not a pretty week by any stretch of the imagination.
KANSAS CITY @ WASHINGTON (-6.5)
Neither of these teams are any good, and when that is the case, take the points and run. In a related note, this is the Not Going To Watch And I Have Sunday Ticket Pick Of The Week.
My Pick: KC (+6.5)
Lay: “Fantasy play of the week: Picking up Matt Cassel and dropping DA. I could've started Jamie Reamer at QB and gotten more points than DA would've given me.” QOTW contender. Wonder if Reamer will have a response next week?
Barnes: “These teams are as worthless as punch card park. In fact, watching these teams play on a field with random holes may actually make it entertaining.” Until today, I had no idea what that park was named. I still don’t know what those holes are for. (That’s what she said.)
Fiz: “Washington is to bad teams what beer is to ugly people.” Washington is to football what RuPaul is to women.
Reamer: “I just threw up in my mouth thinking about this game.” That appears to be the general consensus.
Brian: “The Redskins want the front office to endorse Jim Zorn? Are the Redskins so bad that they don't realize they're bad? It wouldn't surprise me.” Something about being too close to the forest to see any of the trees? I don’t know … my Philosophy class was at nine in the morning.
HOUSTON @ CINCINNATI (-5.5)
Still not sold on the Bengals, so I'm going to have to back the Texans. Just keep it close please.
My Pick: HOU (+5.5)
Barnes: “If Carson Palmer can lead the Bengals to a Super Bowl, Palmerfest may reach new heights. Though I’m not sure how you top a huge ass bonfire in the middle of the street.” How about three huge ass bonfires in the middle of the street?
L.Po: “We're heading into the 4-1 Bengals house Sunday and they are likely one of the best teams in the NFL so far. However, I feel I know my team well following them as closely as I do. I'm guaranteeing we go into Cincy and knock them off this week, and hopefully its the start of our winning streak that propels us into the playoffs at last. We're two yards away from being a 4-1 team, and it will show this weekend. Mark it down.” You heard it here first.
BALTIMORE @ MINNESOTA (-3.5)
The Vikings are going to have to lose a game here eventually ... right?
My Pick: BAL (+3.5)
Barnes: “If Ray Lewis went to OU, you would probably find him at the Crystal. That’s where all the douche bags are. And no, he wouldn’t drink with them … he’d stab one.” Barnes looking for his 2nd QOTW win. Something tells me we might have a repeat winner for the first time all year this week.
Brian: “I think Adrian Peterson is the best player in the NFL. Think about the other leagues. The "best" player gets so much coverage. Pujols/A-Rod, LeBron/Kobe, Ovechkin/Crosby. Have we really heard that much about AP this year? That's the power of Brett Favre.” Amen.
DETROIT @ GREEN BAY (-13.5)
If the Packers can't beat Detroit by two touchdowns at home without Calvin Johnson playing, then I am going to write them off the rest of the year. Don't do it to me Green Bay. At least not yet.
My Pick: GB (-13.5)
Lay: “A Detroit team with no Johnson. Gonna be hard for them to punch it in the pink end zone. And the only reason that the end zone is pink is because it's breast cancer awareness month so get your head out of the gutter.” Somewhere Alex Lucius can not stop laughing.
Brian: “One time in intramural football, the opponent's QB ran for a touchdown and did the Culpepper Dance (which, in case you were wondering, sucks). On the next play, he slipped and sprained his ankle. I wish I would've seen the foreshadowing. I wish I would've paid more attention in English class.” QOTW nominee for Brian.
Barnes: “The Detroit defense has as many holes in it as McHappy’s has in their donuts. And like McHappy’s, Green Bay will be open all the time.” God I miss that place.
CLEVELAND @ PITTSBURGH (-14.5)
As much as I would like it to happen ... it's just not very likely. Curtis Kummerer would say, "it's possible, but not probable."
My Pick: PIT (-14.5)
Barnes: “Browns fans are going to need about five Red Brick mega mugs to watch this one. And that’s just for the first half.” That’s the most they are going to want to remember as well.
Lay: “No rhyme or reason to this pick, just going with the gut on this one. This would be a good time to let you guys know that I'm dumping all of my children's college savings into the creation of a UFO-esque hot air balloon when they turn 6, putting them in, and setting them free. Also a gut feeling.” Yes, these are my friends.
Brian: “The Browns last beat the Steelers in 2003. Back then, Ohio State won big games, the Raiders were almost Super, George Bush was respected, and Nintendo Gamecube was a "technological advancement." But remember our slogan from last year...THE NAME ON THE DOOR IS CLEVELAND!” Back in 2003 I was a Senior in high school and was using that leverage to get the a cute Junior girl to my house. Both Tim Couch (who smoked Pittsburgh on Sunday night in 2003) and myself thought we were on to the start of something good. I’ve rebounded nicely, but as for Timmy? No dice.
Fiz: “Only in Cleveland can a quarterback win the starting job by throwing three interceptions in a half, and keep the job after completing two passes in a game.” Just trade Brady so I can move on … please!
Hunt: “Did anyone actually think Troy Long Hair was going to play in a game before the one against the Browns??” We all knew this would be his first week back as soon as he was injured.
CAROLINA (-3.5) @ TAMPA BAY
Frankie's Boner Pick Of The Week: CAR (-3.5)
Barnes: “Combined these teams are 1-8. I’d rather lick the elevator in Riverpark Towers than watch this game.” I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. Okay, maybe Brett Favre, Alex Rodriguez, Ray Lewis and Kevin Garnett. But after those four, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Okay maybe Rush Limbaugh.
Lay: “What needs to happen is John Fox and Raheem Morris need to sit on real, actual, hot seats. The temperature will gradually increase until one of them hops off. Whoever stays on the hot seat longer gets to keep their job. Whoever gets off first is immediately terminated. This would only last about five minutes and would be far more entertaining than the actual game.” Romeo Crennel would be the king of this game because he has so much padding. I believe they call it a badunkadunk. Or something of that nature.
Smitty: “Hey, there is some god awful football on this weekend. Thank God college is good this week. Carolina is favored again - Really?” Welcome to the NFL.
Brian: “Seriously, the economy sucks. Why bother robbing your fans, Buccaneers. But their nickname is fitting. How about the Cleveland Basement-Dwellers. Or the New York Sanchises. And my personal favorite...the Cincinnati Gus-Johnson-should-call-all-their-games'es.” I wanna play. The Baltimore Murderers.
NEW YORK GIANTS @ NEW ORLEANS (-3.5)
Are you telling me that I get to pick the Giants AND I get three-and-a-half points? Just tell me where to sign.
My Pick: NYG (+3.5)
Barnes: “Taco Tuesday kind of game. Two unbeaten teams. Two MVP candidates at QB. Hmm, kind of hungry for taco’s now. Or maybe just a churro.” Spoken like Bart Borer. But only if you replace ‘A’ churro with 15.
Smitty: “It's Time for the Brandin Bursa Shockrocker Pick of the week- Bursa says Giants, I must say this goes against my feeling to take Drew Brees to cover everything everywhere even if it isn't football related, annnd they're in the Superdome which is a huge advantage; but it's Bursa's Pick.” Don’t know how Smitty is keeping this up, but boy do I love it.
Brian: “Don't get me wrong. I love the NFL. But this is a game I wish had college football ramifications. Yes, it's important, but both teams can afford to lose. And don't give me the "home-field advantage" stuff. The Giants won three straight road games to win the Super Bowl, and then, with a better team, they lost at home in the first round last year. This game should be fun, but it's not necessary.” So very true, and an angle that’s not nearly covered enough.
Hunt: “Did you get an e-mail from the Helen Keller Society after last week's quote??” No, I did not. Mainly because they can’t see or hear.
ARIZONA @ SEATTLE (-2.5)
Seattle at home with a healthy Hasselbeck is actually a decent team.
My Pick: SEA (-2.5)
Brian: “Another week of the F'd Up Pick. And it comes in the NFC West, the most boring thing since Browns-Bills last week! Works for me. Let's do it. Road team rolls first.
Roll #1: Home field advantage rears its ugly head on roll 1. A 4 for the Cardinals, and then an 11 by the Seahawks. 11-4 SEA.
Roll #2: Seattle is off to a ridiculously hot start. For the first time in this pick's history, back to back 11's. Only an 8 for 'Zona. 22-12 SEA.
Roll #3: Finally the Seahawks slow down a bit, but they still win their third straight roll 6-5. 28-17 SEA.
Roll #4: My goodness. Is this thing over at the half? An 8-5 round win for Seattle. 36-22 SEA.
Roll #5: A bit of a moral victory heading to the locker room for the Cardinals. They won a round, but only by 1. 8-7 in the round. Halftime, and it's 43-30 SEA.
Roll #6: Well, a boring match-up deserves a boring roll I guess. 9-8 win for SEA in the round. Now the score is 52-38. Not even Gus Johnson could save this one.
Roll #7: A pair of 7's, as Jim Mora is thinking about bringing in the reserves. 59-45 SEA.
Roll #8: 6-4 in the round in favor of ARI (Seattle had snake-eyes with a 2 on the and-one, for those of you...coughcoughcoughLUKEcoughcoughcough). 63-51 SEA.
Roll #9: WAIT A MINUTE! DOUBLE 6's for ARI. The and-one....only a 2, but still a solid 14. Seattle can only muster a 7. Still a 70-65 lead for SEA, but it's interesting.
Roll #10: And the Seahawks were a little mad. Arizona only got a 5, and the Seahawks countered with an 11. The final is 81-70 SEA, so pick is Seattle -2.5.” Really thought Kurt Warner was going to rally the troops there at the end, but just like Notre Dame, they came up five yards short.
Barnes: “Starting to think for both QB’s just playing is like walking up Jeff Hill. It leaves you out of breath and just glad to have finished.” Raced up that hill just once in my life. Will never do it again. No matter how drunk I may or may not be.
PHILADELPHIA (-13.5) @ OAKLAND
The worst pick I ever made in the history of this ATS was last week taking the Raiders to cover against the Giants. Fool me once ...
My Pick: PHI (-13.5)
Hunt: “Ballbuster Pick of the Week: Sarah picked the 10th game and I'm taking the dog in that game. What do you think Al Davis's parents were like??” Obviously Kevin has never seen The Munsters.
Barnes: “Did you know the Ridges used to be an insane asylum? Yeah, it housed all those Raiders fans who thought Al Davis was a great owner.” Did you know it’s where they used to film The Munsters?
Reamer: “How was Rush Limbaugh was vetoed out of a group bidding to buy the Rams, shouldn't we make owning a professional team have 'Survivor' rules where at the end of every year the owners vote another owner out of the league? Not only would this force owners to care (Mr. Lerner) or to not suck (Mr. Davis), but what if we had a secret alliance against, say, Robert Kraft or Dan Rooney!!! Imagine the possibilities…” I absolutely love this idea mainly because it would give the Browns hope at the end of the year.
Lay: “Terrelle Pryor makes JaMarcus Russell look like Steve DeBerg. I have no idea what I mean by that, but I'm watching the OSU game right now and Pryor is wretched.” Lay frantically hunting for his 2nd QOTW winner.
Brian: “According to Wikipedia, a black hole is region of space in which the gravitational field is so powerful that nothing, not even light, can escape. That's about right, Oakland.” Second QOTW contender for Brian, solely for using ‘according to wikipedia’ as an intro.
BUFFALO @ NEW YORK JETS (-10.5)
The Bills are going nowhere. The Jets desperately need to win a game at home. Division rivalry be damned.
My Pick: NYJ (-10.5)
Barnes: “Right now, both teams are trying to walk up a Baker Center escalator going down. In other words, going the wrong direction.” Wait, that analogy makes it sound like they are standing still, or walking in place? Did I miss something?
TENNESSEE @ NEW ENGLAND (-9.5)
Eventually the Titans are going to win a game ... right?
My Pick: TEN (+9.5)
Lay: “I know you might think I'm beating a dead quarterback, er, horse, after all my McNair comments, but I really think the Titans need to make a McNair voodoo doll and have a public burning. TAKE OFF THE DECAL!” Reminds me of the Ron White joke … TAKE OFF THE HAT!
Barnes: “The Titans approached this season like a Pizza Hut Buffet. Thought it would be nice and easy but after each game, they just feel awful.” Spoken like a true PHLB veteran.
CHICAGO @ ATLANTA (-3.5)
The Falcons looked great coming off the bye last week against the 49ers. Now it's Chicago's turn.
My Pick: CHI (+3.5)
Barnes: “A great Sunday Night match-up. Only thing that would make this better would be watching it with a biscuit gravy combo from Union Street Diner.” Pancakes and eggs for the KOA.
DENVER @ SAN DIEGO (-4.5)
I still don't like Denver.
My Pick: SD (-4.5)
Barnes: “Broncos are playing like $3.50 Chinese. By looks alone you don’t think it’ll be good, but it hit’s the spot every time.” All in all a solid week for Barnes, but I thought he might throw in a professor reference, or a specific memory. Still though, he did OU proud. No surprise, he is Their Promise.
Smitty: “I do not think I have picked denver yet this year so there is nothing that is more certain to guarantee them a loss than me picking them.” Sounds like me and Green Bay from two years ago.
Fiz: “Taking Norv Turner to cover is betting suicide.” Agreed.
Po’s Knowledge Dropping - Vol. II - Num. V
Week Five In Review
By: Ryan PolitoBefore I start most/least dominant, I must provide the update I promised. In a hard fought battle Poland fell to Steubenville 24-13. Too many red zone turnovers for the Bulldogs, but a playoff re-match could be in the future.
MOST DOMINANT- Bill Wakefield
After just five weeks of picking, Mr. Wakefield has garnered a record of 51-25 in this league. He has also opened up a 5-game lead on his next closest competitor. To get an idea of how sick that is, the difference between 2nd and 17th place is also 5 games. So congrats on your phenomenal picking thus far, Bill. I am writing you on most dominant in hopes of jinxing you for the rest of the year. You're Welcome.
LEAST DOMINANT- Steelers/Browns rivalry
What has become of this rivalry? I used to most look forward to Steelers-Browns week more than any week on the schedule. Now it has become nothing more than a scrimmage for the Steelers. With my Dad being a huge Browns fan we used to always look forward to the bragging rights the game would give each of us. Now it has become nothing more than a walkover.
The last QB to beat the Steelers was Tim Couch. Now he is nothing more than a bust. Sure there has been one or two close games in the last six years, but now the game is nothing more than a joke. I actually root for the Browns to be decent, so at least I can rub it in my friends faces a little bit when the Steelers win. But now, I can do nothing more than just laugh and look forward to our next game.
*** If the Browns do pull off the upset, I will eat crow and put myself on least dominant next week. But then again, Al Davis has a better chance of holding the Lombardi Trophy than the Browns do of beating the Steelers.***
That will do it for the week six column. Hope everyone had a fun Homecoming weekend.
Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."
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