2009 F'd Up Tourney: LIVE BLOGGING THE SECOND ROUND - Mainstay Tournament

By: Luke Florence





No sense in trying to come up with a witty introduction. We are LIVE BLOGGING the 2nd Round of The Mainstay Tournament. The winners of this round will win a spot in the 2009 F'd Up Tournament.

PART TWO CAN BE FOUND IF YOU SCROLL DOWN PAST THE FIRST UPDATED BRACKET.

Similar to the ESPY's, Kevin and I actually rolled the 2nd Round last Sunday, but, we are unveiling the winners tonight. We are on schedule to begin the 3rd Round again on Sunday. Stay tuned for more information.

So for now, buckle in, refresh often, and enjoy the Mainstay 2nd Round. Win or go home.
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Alex Lucius vs. Structured Randomness

How they got here: Lucius beat The Office 65-64, while S.R. took down Notre Dame 77-63.

Roll #1 - Not a good start for Big Al, as he rolls the worst score possible in our game (3), while S.R. takes the early five point lead. 8-3 S.R.

Roll #2 - S.R. stretches their lead ... now up 16-8.

Roll #3 - Lucius is going to need a miracle to come back, as he trails it 26-14 after three rolls.

Roll #4 - Finally Big Al wins a roll, but is still down 33-22.

Roll #5 - As we head in to half-time, Lucius is down 42-29.

Roll #6 - Big Al has yet to break 70 in this contest, and does not help his cause by rolling a 5 to start the 2nd half. 49-34 S.R.

Roll #7 - 55-41 S.R.

Roll #8 - Lucius matches his highest roll (8), but S.R. is just piling it on. 66-49 S.R.

Roll #9 - Doubles by Big Al might give him a chance, but S.R. responds with a double of its' own. 77-60 with just one roll left.

Roll #10 - Lucius' defense did not do its' job tonight, and he leaves us just one win shy of entering the F'd Up Tourney. The first Mainstay-Auto bid goes to Structured Randomness, as they win it 90-68.

Gay Lanes vs. Beer

How they got here: Gay Lanes defeated Ohio University Intramural Sports 86-80, and Beer (last year's runner-up) took down Forgetting Sarah Marshall 75-65.

At the half - Gay Lanes takes the early lead, does not give it up, and finds itself in front, 34-30.

Roll #10 - Beer comes back and is up after seven rolls. With just one roll remaining, they are up 60-56. But Gay Lanes rolls DOUBLES in order to hold off Beer, 72-67. Entertaining match.

Ohio University vs. Rick Majerus

How they got here: OU sent Lieutenant Dan to Vietnam with a 78-61 pounding, and Rick Majerus held off Mitch Richmond 77-76.

At the half - Majerus is on a mission, as he rolls doubles THREE TIMES in the first half, and takes a 50-39 cushion into intermission.

Alex Lucius has issued a statement following his embarrassing performance. "That is the biggest bunch of horseshit since the browns got rid of Jeff Faine."

Well Lucius, you still have November 31st in the running, and we are awarding an At-Large spot to one person who shows the most enthusiasm for the F'd Up Tourney. Safe to say you are not done yet.

Final roll - Ohio University responds by rolling three doubles two times itself, and closes the gap to eight with one roll remaining. O.U then rolls an incredible 17 on its' last turn forcing Majerus to roll a 9 to tie ... and Majerus rolls a .... 7!! Ohio University completes the comeback, winning 90-88.

Allan Houston vs. Gus Johnson

How they got here: Houston took down the Jeff Blake-Carl Pickens connection 77-76, while Gus pummeled Arby's 96-84.

Going roll-by-roll for this star-studded match-up.

Roll #1 - How bout the start for Gus? Comes right out of the gate and grabs the early 11-5 advantage.

Roll #2 - This one is going to be an instant classic, as both teams are putting up big numbers. 18-16 Gus.

Roll #3 - Gus has rolled 11+7+9 so far, and leads 27-23.

Roll #4 - Houston and Johnson trade 6's. 33-29 Johnson.

Roll #5 - Gus ends the 1st half just as he started it, with an 11. GJ up 44-35 at the break.

Roll #6 - RISE AND FIIIIIIRE!!! Johnson with ANOTHER 11. He's up 55-42.

Roll #7 - BATISTA WITH THE CAAAAAATCH!! Houston scores an 11 of his own, but Gus AND ONE'S TWICE, and is now up 70-53.

Roll #8 - This just might be Gus's tournament to lose. Another double for GJ. He is leading 80-62.

Roll #9 - Got to give Allan Houston credit. He continues to fight, but is down 87-72 with just one roll to go.

Roll #10 -PUUUURE!! Gus Johnson advances to the 2009 F'd Up Tournament, beating Allan Houston 90-83. HOW ABOUT THAT!

George Costanza vs. Major League I and II

How they got here: Costanza said "au revoir" to Mrs. Hughes' French Class 71-67, while Major League I and II "out-Roger Dorn'd" Casey Blake 79-78.

At the half - Major League I and II trails it all the way until the final roll of the break, where they grab a 37-36 lead.

Final roll - Costanza quickly goes down seven, but slowly scrapes away at the lead, forcing Major League to roll an 8 to tie on the final roll. And Major League rolls a ... 6!! George Costanza advances in dramatic fashion, 73-71.

Browns Beer Pong vs. Cedar Point

How they got here: BBP sent the Asian Invasion back to China with a 104-76 victory, and Cedar Point rolled all over Bill Simmons' ass, 99-78.

At the half - A back-and-forth affair finds BBP up 43-35 mid-way.

Final roll - On the strength of a 23 point #9 roll, Browns Beer Pong cruises 91-77 to advance to the F'd Up Tournament.

Big John vs. Keith Cawley

How they got here: Big John took out John Kruk's all-time favorite closer, Bob Wickman, 83-75, while Cawley took out our high school, Tiffin Calvert, 77-67.

You better we believe we are going R-B-R here.

Roll #1 - Matching 6's means we are dead even after one. You just have a feeling this one is going to come down to the final roll.

Roll #2 - Big John takes a slight 14-13 advantage after two. The tension is noticeably thick.

Roll #3 - 24-22 for Big John.

Roll #4 - Keith Cawley embodies experience ladies and gentlemen, as he stays patient the first three rolls, and then rolls doubles on roll #4 to grab his first lead, 33-29.

Roll #5 - Big John has the answer however, rolls doubles of his own, and leads it 41-40 at the half.

Roll #6 - This could very well be the match of the tournament thus far, as both Big John and Cawley open the 2nd half by rolling an 11. 52-51 Big John.

Roll #7 - A 9 by Big John and an 8 by Cawley means it is 61-59 Big John with just three rolls to go. Thus far, the largest lead has been four.

Roll #8 - Big John keeps a slight two-point lead, as they match 7's. 68-66.

Roll #9 - They continue to go back-and-forth, as they both match 7's AGAIN! This is getting ridiculous, but we only have one roll to go. 75-73 Big John.

Roll #10 - Big John picks a bad time to roll his smallest number (4) of the night. All Cawley needs to get back into the tournament is a 7. Heck, even a 6 will send it to over-time. And Cawley rolls a ... FOUR!! Oh my goodness. Huge let-down for Cawley. But at least he went out in a memorable match. 79-77 for Big John, while Cawley will have to find another way to gain access to the F'd Up Tourney.

Sweet Franklin vs. Reach

How they got here: SF upended John Cheney 91-76, while Reach sent Mel Kiper III/T. Willy packing, 80-79.

At the half - Reach rolls a 17 on its' third turn, and leads 43-40.

Final roll - Reach never gives Sweet Franklin an opportunity to come back, and wins it 80-70. Kevin Hunt is NOT happy with this at all.

Grady Sizemore vs. Randy Hunt "Rub Money"

How they got here: Sizemore took out the best-running TV show, LOST, 92-74, while Randy downed a classic-funny movie, Planes Trains and Automobiles, 71-62.

At the half - Randy storms out of the gate and rolls double's on his first THREE ROLLS, but Sizemore is not going anywhere. 40-37 for Randy.

Final roll - Horrendous 2nd half for Sizemore means his tournament hopes are dashed. Randy Hunt "Rub Money" will be in the F'd Up Tournament, defeating Grady Sizemore easily, 82-59.

November 31st vs. Little Hugo's

How they got here: Nov. 31st showed Bob Seger the door in overtime, 85-83, and Little Hugo's did the same to Adam Sandler, 85-80.

At the half - November 31st never trails in the 1st half, and has a 44-36 cushion mid-way.

Final roll - In as a dominating performance as you can see, November 31st never allows the lead to get closer than nine, and wins quite handily, 87-70. Not all hope is lost Big Al.

Stuart Appleby vs. Merkt's Cheese

How they got here: Appleby handed The Pin-Pals their first ever loss, 80-68, while Merkt's Cheese topped the Big Ben Game, 97-63.

At the half - Appleby uses a 17-point roll to help him crawl back into it, but he still is behind Merkt's 44-41.

Final roll - Merkt's Cheese follows in November 31st's footsteps, and never trails. 90-74 for Merkt's Cheese puts it in the F'd Up Tourney.

Keler vs. Semi-Charmed Life

How they got here: Keler disposed of Mansfield! 90-74, and SCL snuck by the ever-so-sneaky Cleveland Browns, 70-69.

At the half - Boring first five rolls for each team, but SCL leads it 35-33.

Final roll - Keler manages to roll an 8 on its last turn, meaning SCL needs a 7 to win it. And they roll a ... 8!! Semi-Charmed Life advances, 71-69.

Mrs. Bursa's Popcorn vs. Michael Jordan

How they got here: MBP defeated its' home town, Tiffin, 76-73, and MJ took down the board game True Colors, 89-69.

At the half - Jordan is not messing around, as he rolls a 15 on his first turn. He builds on that lead throughout, and takes a 46-32 advantage into the locker room.

Final roll - Through the first two rounds of this tournament, one could easily argue that MJ has been the most dominant. A second-straight double-digit victory means Jordan will have plans come December. 87-68 for His Airness.

The Frank Twins vs. WHEI in the Morning/Maxine Monday's

How they got here: TFT out-rolled Norm Duke, 79-72, while WHEI knocked-out Taco John's 93-82.

At the half - Biggest 1st half score of the round for WHEI. They are up twenty, 52-32. This one looks over.

Final roll - Well, you guessed it, WHEI had zero trouble disposing of The Frank Twins. WHEI in the Morning/Maxine Monday's take it, 93-68. Well Kris and Nic Frank can not win this by themselves now, but they are still alive thanks to WHEI in the Morning. The F'd Up Tourney: home of the 2nd chance.

Rudy vs. Paul Culver

How they got here: Rudy sent Keystone Light packing, 73-70, and The General took care of J-Ro, 82-65.

Let's do a R-B-R as these two titans of the football field do battle.

Roll #1 - Both score a TD on their first roll, but Rudy successfully goes for two. 8-7 Rudy.

Roll #2 - Culver tacks on six, but Rudy puts up a ten-spot. 18-13 Rudy.

Roll #3 - Not a good start for The General, as Rudy stretches his lead, 25-19.

Roll #4 - Culver gets his first double, but only picks up one point on Rudy, 32-27.

Roll #5 - Just a solid first half for Rudy, as the N.D. little guy has been in front from the onset, 41-32.

Roll #6 - Still plenty of time for The General, and you know he will be making some half-time adjustments. But Rudy continues to just inch ahead, now up 50-40.

Roll #7 - Never count out Paul Culver! He tightens up his defense, tacks a ten-pointer, and now only trails by six, 56-50.

Roll #8 - Culver gets the best of Rudy again, and now is down five. 63-58.

Roll #9 - Where is Gus Johnson when you need him? Culver is firing on all cylinders right now. An 11 by the General, coupled with a 5 by Rudy, has given Culver his first lead of the entire game! 69-68 Culver.

Roll #10 - A five by Rudy all but seals his fate. All Culver needs to avoid is a 3. Anything above a 4 gives Paul Culver the win. Where is Mike Tirico when you need him? OH NO!! Culver does the un-thinkable and rolls a 3!! An incredible comeback is for not! Rudy wins 73-72. Unreal!

Wicked Sweet vs. Bill Walton

How they got here: WS beat the best card-game ever invented, Ultimate Drama, 76-75, and Bill Walton outlasted Jason Koma, 66-65.

At the half - Walton grabs the lead after his second roll and is up 43-39.

Still cannot believe the Culver-Rudy showdown. That one will not be soon forgotten.

Final roll - Walton rolls an amazing 21 on roll #7, and leads by 16 going into the final turn. But Wicked Sweet makes it more than interesting! An incredulous 23 point final roll, means Bill Walton now needs a 7 just to tie! How quickly things can change on one turn. Crunch time for Walton, and he rolls a ... 8!! Walton wins it by one! 96-95 has Bill Walton in the F'd Up Tournament. Some insane match-ups going on right now.

Okay, that marks the half-way point for the 2nd round. We will return tomorrow to conclude, and to hand out 16 more entries to the F'd Up Tournament. Then, on Sunday, we will continue rolling the inaugural Mainstay Tournament.

Until tomorrow, "read it, roll it, hole it."
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The KOA is back in the saddle again for the riveting conclusion to the 2nd Round of The Mainstay Tournament. If this is your first go-around with The F'd Up Tournament, then here are some links that will help you catch up.

The F'd Up Tournament and all its' glory explained in full detail.

How we are scoring this event.

After reading those two articles, you should be set to go. And with that, we continue with the 2nd Round ... winners advance to the Big Dance in December.

Don't Be Stupid vs. Will Ferrell

How they got here: DBS got the better of FAN-tastic, 74-69, while Will Ferrell took out Kramer's famous line, Giddy-Up, 79-70.

At the half - In an entertaining and high-scoring affair thus far, Ferrell is up 49-40 at the mid-way point.

Final roll - Don't Be Stupid claws its' way back, and is down by just three heading into the final roll. After scoring an 8 on its' last turn, Ferrell just needs a 6 to advance. And Will Ferrell rolls a ... 5!! This is headed to OVERTIME! The first of the 2nd Round.

Overtime - Don't Be Stupid opens the extra period with a 9, but Ferrell hits them with an 11. A 5 by DBS means Ferrell just needs a 4 to win. And Ferrell rolls a ... 4!! What a match, and what a way to start the 2nd day! Will Ferrell will be back in December, as he is victorious 96-95 in O.T.

David Carr vs. John Daly

How they got here: Carr handed the historic Yankees "E" League Team their first-ever loss, 81-73, while JD out-muscled Jay Bilas "Strong," 84-66.

This has a Roll-By-Roll written all over it.

Roll #1 - These two titans from differing professions open up strong, with JD gaining the early 10-9 advantage.

Roll #2 - A pair of 8's has JD clinging to an 18-17 lead.

Roll #3 - The defense stiffens up a bit on the third roll, but JD doubles his lead in the process, 24-22.

Roll #4 - Professor Carr rolls doubles, and ends up with a 14 on his fourth roll, JD puts up a 10 spot, but he now trails for the first time, 36-34.

Roll #5 - Carr cannot put two solid rolls together, and finds himself behind as we enter half-time. JD up 41-39.

Roll #6 - Another worst-possible roll for Carr (3) means JD has the biggest advantage of the match, 48-42.

Roll #7 - No one will be running away with this contest, JD scores a 5, while Carr steps it up and rolls a 9. 53-51 for JD. Just three rolls remaining.

Roll #8 - Nothing has changed, a pair of fours has it 57-55 JD. Whoever loses this contest can look back to this turn. Someone could have won it right here.

Roll #9 - Carr, who has trailed throughout, finally gets the lead. JD might be running out of gas. 62-61. Does JD have one more miracle in him?

Roll #10 -A solid 9 by David Carr means John Daly needs a 10 to tie, and an 11 to win outright. And with the final roll, JD scores a ... 6. Too bad for JD, as he will now need to win the PGA Championship to gain an automatic bid. But I think it's safe to say he might gain an automatic bid with those crazy pants. But does he want to put that decision in the committee's hands?? Anyways, David Carr has his sights on the F'd Up Tournament, winning 71-67.

Let's take some time now to hear from some loyal readers.

Alex Lucius, "I have been training my whole life for this tournament and you go on to tell me that structured randomness steals a cheap one away from me because Kevin is way to short to see above the table more or less roll a freaking dice on it. This isn't nam Kevin, there are rules and you need to be this tall to roll a dice."

A bitter Lucius, still fuming from his loss yesterday to Structured Randomness. But his continued following just might get him the Enthusiasm Spot. We will see.

Jake Young, "I'm just hoping JD drops the ball, as usual. That way I can make fun of Zad that his role model choked again."

Well Jake, you got your wish, as JD couldn't make anything down the last couple of holes. Just got too tired. And, I wouldn't be surprised if Jake makes a strong run for that Enthusiasm Spot as well. Should be very interesting.

Ronald Pittman vs. Ernest Byner

How they got here: Pittman bored Anchorman to death, 85-71, and Byner was victorious over the New Year's Eve Disco Bash.

At the half - Pittman is up through the first three rolls, but a 14-point fourth roll by Byner has him going to the locker room up by eleven, 46-35.

Final roll - Pittman slowly chips away at the double-digit lead, and has the advantage down to four heading into the last roll. Unfortunately, Pittman comes up short, and does not even give Byner a chance to fumble the ball, rolling a 6. Ernest Byner is resurrecting his career in this tournament, as he wins, 80-75.

Jimmy V vs. Hot Nuts

How they got here: Jimmy V took down our former grade-school, St. Mary's Elementary, 87-79, and Hot Nuts slipped by Gino Toretta, 84-80.

At the half - Two very evenly matched squads. But, Hot Nuts scores a 14 on the last turn before half-time and leads it, 41-35.

Final roll - Don't Give Up ... Don't Ever Give Up. Trailing by three with one turn remaining, Jimmy V scores a 15, and puts himself in The F'd Up Tournament. Jimmy V, our only participant who is no longer with us, advances in dramatic fashion, 77-72.

Let's keep the Jake Young comments coming, the more the better.

"Two things: One, JD probably lost the handle on his dice because he had Hooter's wing sauce all over his hands. Two, my Ronald Pittman experience begins Sept 8."

I challenge Jake to come up with a more creative and challenging 18-hole golf course than what yours truly was able to accomplish in Information Gathering.

Butch Davis vs. Pizza Hut Lunch Buffett

How they got here: BD emptied out Bernie Kosar's pockets completely, 68-64, and PHLB got the better of Bart Borer, 90-71.

At the half - PHLB starts with a 14 and keeps the lead the entire half. But, Coach Davis rolls a 12 just before the horn sounds to keep it close, 39-36 PHLB.

Final roll - A rather undramatic second half, which is contradictory to what has been going on this afternoon. Pizza Hut Lunch Buffet never relinquished their lead, and defeated Butch Davis, 77-71. Everyone's favorite pizza buffet will be in the F'd Up Tournament.

Route 56/Hollerback Girl vs. Black History Month

How they got here: Route 56 downed The Ceiling Bracket in a close contest, 81-80, and BHM disposed of Fifty On The Fifties, 82-77.

Do I even have to mention who Matt Barnes will be rooting for?

At the half - The lead changes three times in the first half, and ends with BHM up by two, 38-36.

Final roll - Route 56 takes the lead to start the second half, and closes with an impressive 16-point final roll. Route 56/Hollerback Girl is going dancing, thanks to their 91-77 victory over Black History Month. I guess every good tournament needs a villain right?

Jake Young comes in with the quote of the tournament thus far, "And Barnes' birthday weekend gets a little more dreary."

Somehow, Jake has quickly embodied the spirit that is The F'd Up Tournament. I heart my friends.

Omar Vizquel/Carlos Baerga vs. Fort Ball Buffet

How they got here: OV/CB got by Do With This As You Will, 82-78, and FBB upended everyone's favorite QB, Brady Quinn, 69-65.

At the half - Three more lead changes in the first half, as these two teams trade big blows. When the dust settled, Vizquel/Baerga lead it 55-45.

Final roll - Watch out for this dynamic duo folks. Omar Vizquel/Carlos Baerga make this into a statement game, blowing out the Fort Ball Buffet, 102-89. They got voted in by the fans, and now will be in The F'd Up Tourney. Gotta love it. It is without a doubt the BEST thing to happen to the Cleveland Indians since 2007.

And real quickly, I was slow to get on to Twitter, and thought it was just a cheap rip-off of Facebook. BUT, I will admit, I have finally come around. The clincher was when I learned on Twitter that the Browns signed Alex Mack. Go Browns.

Keith Hodkinson vs. Tim Couch

How they got here: KH slipped by Erik Huss, 80-79, and Tim Couch upset the once unflappable Lesbians, 92-62.

Of course we are going to do a R-B-R between Kevin Hunt's arch-nemesis and the Browns best QB since 1999.

Roll #1 - Not a good start for Kevin, as Hodkinson jumps out to an early 14-8 lead.

Roll #2 - Couch and Hodkinson trade 7's, and Keith still leads it by six, 21-15.

Roll #3 - A 17-point roll by Timmy has Kevin fired up and has Couch out in front by seven, 32-25.

Roll #4 - Hodkinson cuts into the lead by rolling a nine to Couch's five, but Timmy retains the advantage, 37-34.

Roll #5 - Two consecutive poor rolls by Couch will give Hodkinson the half-time lead, 41-40. Kevin Hunt now has his hand on the trigger.

Roll #6 - But people forget, Timmy is a 2nd half QB, and takes the lead right back, 47-44 after six.

Roll #7 - However, Keith Hodkinson ties an F'd Up Tourney record by AND ONE'ing THREE TIMES. Unfortunately for him it was on snake eyes. Timmy still up by one, 56-55.

Roll #8 - Kevin Hunt is just sweating profusely through his shirt at this point. Both Timmy and Keith roll five's. Couch on top, 61-60.

Roll #9 - Couch rolls a 4, and Keith takes advantage by scoring an 8. Heading into the last turn, Hodkinson is in front, 68-65.

Roll #10 - Hodkinson has the first roll, and scores a 9, putting the pressure squarely on Couch's shoulders. Timmy trails it by 12 with just one lone throw remaining. Couch rolls DOUBLE TWO'S, which means he can continue rolling 2's until he stops. He is still down by eight however. On his first AND ONE throw, Couch rolls a ... 2!! He is still fighting, absolutely incredible. Now he is down by six. On his second AND ONE throw, Couch rolls a ... 6!!! HERE WE GO BROWNIES, HERE WE GO!! This instant-classic is heading to overtime, while Kevin reacts like the Browns just scored a TD (which reportedly hasn't happened since 2006).

Overtime - Hodkinson remains cool, calm, and collected after the following proceedings, and starts the extra period with a 9. Couch puts up a 7, but is down 86-84 with one roll left.

Overtime - Hodkinson does not let up at all, and rolls another 9. No one could have blamed Keith for pulling a Tom Watson in this extra session, but he was nearly unflappable. It will now take an 11 by Couch to send it to Double Overtime. And on the last turn, Couch rolls a ... 7. Kevin's face just dropped to the floor, the same way it did when he learned that LeCharles Bentley killed his own career. Keith Hodkinson, Kevin Hunt's arch-nemesis, will be entered into the F'd Up Tournament, as he defeats Tim Couch 95-91 in O.T.

Family Guy vs. Scotty B

How they got here: Family Guy took out the childhood story of Power/Man In The Starter Sweatshirt, 75-74, and Scotty B. disposed of the last Browns QB to win a playoff game, Vinny Testaverde, 88-84.

At the half - A strong first-half for both squads, but it is Family Guy who is up mid-way, 42-38.

Final roll - Scotty B rolls a 16 on his eighth turn to take the lead, and is up by four heading into the last turn. Family Guy scores a 7, meaning all Scotty B needs to win is a four, and he rolls a ... 7. Scotty B says goodnight to Family Guy, by a score of 87-83. The F'd Up Tournament awaits.

Gridiron Glory vs. Looper-Olson

How they got here: GG got the better of That's What She Said, 75-73, while L-O out-scored the Ballbuster Pick Of The Week, 113-92.

At the half - In an unexpected boring first half, Looper-Olson is up by one, 38-37.

Final roll - Gridiron Glory takes the lead from Looper-Olson, and hold on to it throughout the second half. GG scores a seven on its' last turn, so Looper-Olson will now need a 10 to tie. And they roll a ... DOUBLE SIX'S. They AND ONE a 3, and take the game in dramatic fashion. Looper-Olson now have plans for December, beating Gridiron Glory, 78-73.

Brad Bursa vs. Trainwreck

How they got here: Bursa disposed of Awful, 78-67, while Trainwreck defeated the once-alive, Chris Farley, 99-84.

At the half - Not looking good for Bursa, as Trainwreck uses an 18-point turn as the catalyst to a 52-35 half-time advantage.

Final roll - This one was over before it even started. Bursa can only get as close as eight, and will fall short in '09. Trainwreck advances by a score of 89-76.

The Promise vs. Fuck You

How they got here: TP snuck by The Applebee's Commercial, 76-73, while Fuck You took down funny-man Mitch Hedberg 82-71.

At the half - Slow, boring, and uneventful. No this is not a highlight reel of the 2008 Cleveland Browns, it was the first-half of this game. Nonetheless, Fuck You is up 35-34. How bad is Barnes' birthday weekend going to be?

Final roll - This is arguably the worst contest to date, as just one double is rolled the entire match. Luckily for Barnes, it was by The Promise, as it knocks off Fuck You, 71-67. Thank goodness that one was over.

Unappreciative Bastard "Vince Carter" vs. Cool Runnings

How they got here: VC knocked around the Tribe's bullpen, winning in overtime over the Cleveland Indians 94-77, and CR slid around Jeff Gordon on the final turn, 76-73.

At the half - Cool Runnings has never ... and I mean EVER ... looked this poorly. They trail it 49-27. They are on pace to break the lowest score in F'd Up Tournament history.

Final roll - Well, if you are going to lose, you might as well bow-out in a memorable fashion. Cool Runnings is now the record-holder for the lowest score in this tournament's short history. Unappreciative Bastard "Vince Carter" reaps the benefit, beating Cool Runnings by thirty, 86-56.

The Beast vs. Big Ten Basketball

How they got here: The Beast out-classed Seinfeld 81-77, and BTB took out the shittiest bar in Tiffin, DP's, 84-78.

At the half - Big Ten Basketball just might be on a mission to prove they are not the laughing stock the rest of the world thinks they are. They lead it 38-36 mid-way.

Final roll - A neck-and-neck contest, finds Big Ten Basketball with a one point lead heading into the last turn. The Beast scores a 7, meaning BTB will have to match it to win outright, and they roll a ... 7! Look out world, here comes Big Ten Basketball, as they win it, 76-75.

Tom Hamilton vs. Bromley 310

How they got here: TH defeated the icon, Matt Barnes, 85-79, while Bromley 310 destroyed Tom Hodson 93-74.

At the half - A strong performance by Bromley 310 coupled with a pathetic performance by Hamilton, means Bromley 310 is up 45-31.

Final roll - Sorry to see Tom Hamilton go out this way, but he gets pummeled by Bromley 310 who has just breezed its' way to the F'd Up Tournament. Bromley 310 takes it, 89-59.

McHappy's vs. Memorial Day Weekend

How they got here: McHappy's knocked out my Little Tykes Hoop, 87-67, while MDW thankfully put an end to Ten Things I Hate About You, 78-64.

At the half - Our last match of the 2nd round might be full of fireworks if the 1st half is any indication. All tied up at 42.

Final roll - McHappy's trails off a bid in the 2nd half, and finds itself down by four heading into the last turn. They roll an 8, meaning MDW needs a four to tie, and a five to win. And MDW, on the final roll of the 2nd Round, rolls a ... 9! That will do it. Memorial Day Weekend is our last Mainstay to advance to The F'd Up Tournament, as they defeat McHappy's 84-79. One-fourth of the field is now set.

Well, let's take a look at the UPDATED brackets. These final 32 are all now invited to join us in The F'd Up Tournament. The further they advance in this tournament, the higher their seeding will be for the Big Dance.



Remember, we will be rolling the 3rd Round tomorrow, but there will be NO LIVE BLOG. If you would like to know the outcome of a particular match-up (or hell, maybe all of them), let us know and we can text/call you with half-time and final scores. It would be our pleasure.

Special thanks to Jake Young and Alex Lucius for their comments, they always bump up the quality level of these columns.

That will do it for us here at KOA today. We will be back at some point next week to update you on this ever-going process. Thanks for listening.

Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."

2009 F'd Up Tourney: An Explanation

By: Luke Florence



Are you still with us?

For two reasons let's hope the live 1st Round Mainstay blogging intrigued you more than scared you. One, we are doing it again tomorrow ... and two, we will be doing it for EVERY round of the Mainstay Tournament and then the grand daddy of them all, the F'd Up Tournament. So if you were scared by the first go-around, then that does not bode well for you or for us here at KOA as well.

The idea was simple enough in nature. Back in 2006, we stumbled upon an empty bracket sitting in our dorm room. Still high on the fumes from March Madness, we started joking around about who would win hypothetical "match-ups." For instance, the King Kong pizza was making the rounds in '06, and we wondered if King Kong could beat Coach Bobby Knight. And right there, the F'd Up Tournament was born. We filled out the bracket with teams/players/sayings, and flipped quarters to determine the winner.

Somehow, The King of Arguments took the inaugural crown. Go HERE to view the final proceedings from that tournament. (NOTE: it took us nearly three years to finish that first tourney).

We decided to bring back the 2009 tournament for various reasons ... the big one being that we had so much fun the first go around. But we were clear we wanted it to be a bit more structured as well as having an actual "score" compared to just flipping quarters. So, we came up with some rules/guidelines, instituted the dice (the "rolling rules" can be found HERE) and away we went.

That being said, the reception we received from the 1st Round was probably a mix of intrigue and bewilderment ... which is good ... I think. The F'd Up Tournament can best be described as "structured randomness." Which is why Kevin and I are in love with this concept. Who would win if Rudy and Paul Culver went head-to-head? The F'd Up Tournament will give us that answer.

The bracket on this page is for The Mainstay Tournament, designed solely for the entries we feel are NOT BASED on a year-to-year basis. That is what the Automatic Qualifiers and At-Large Candidates are for. The Auto's and At-Large's WILL CHANGE SEVERELY from year-to-year, while the Mainstays will have a few additions and subtractions, but their core will remain the same. Some Mainstays are inside jokes, some are really good mutual friends we've known for a long time, while others range from movies, high school teachers/professors, to our favorite teams/athletes.

Kevin and I assumed (correctly) that we would have a TON of "Mainstays" and would have to have some sort of "qualification" tournament in order to cut down their number. Thus, the Mainstay Tournament was born. Out of the 128 teams, only 32 WILL ADVANCE to the F'd Up Tournament. Think of the Mainstay Tournament as a quasi-selection show and you will get the gist of this crazy idea.

Once their are 32 Mainstay's remaining, we will go ahead and finish the tournament to declare a champion. The winner will be guaranteed a Top-Two (#1 or #2) seed for the F'd Up Tournament, with the runner-up being in the #3-#4 range, and so on and so forth until all 32 Mainstays are slotted.

It is important to remember that SEEDING IS IMPORTANT FOR THE F'D UP TOURNEY. There will be spreads (not yet determined) for each match-up (1 vs 16, 7 vs 10, etc.), and the higher your seed, the better your chances of advancing. The F'd Up Tournament will be 128 members strong, meaning instead of the usual four #1 seeds, we will have eight instead.

Take a deep breath. The hard part should be over.

Okay, so with 32 spots guaranteed for the Mainstays. That still leaves us with 96 open spots. That is where At-Large Candidates and Automatic Qualifiers come in.

The F'd Up Tournament has a three-person selection committee (Kevin Hunt, Matt Barnes, and myself) to determine who gets the At-Large spots. Anything is up for grabs here. Could be a movie, an athlete, a saying, etc.

Anything that took place from Thanksgiving 2008 through Thanksgiving Eve 2009. December 2009 is for putting the bracket together and then actually "rolling" the tournament.

Possible At-Large candidates this year include: Barack Obama, The Hangover, Eric Mangini, Randy Moeller, Tom Watson, Tim Tebow, etc.

But we also need approximately 8-16 "bad" At-Large candidates. These will be given the eight #16 or #15 rankings and will have virtually zero shot at advancing due to the heavily scewed spread that will be working against them.

Possible Bad At-Large Candidates include: 0-16 Detroit Lions, Donte Stallworth, Jeremy Mayfield, Tom Watson/British Open Playoff, Romeo Crennel/Phil Savage, etc.

The number of At-Large spots available will be determined by how many Automatic Qualifiers we have.

The following is a complete list of Automatic Qualifiers (in no specific order).

1) Our Fantasy Football League Champion - Shane Kline

2) Our NFL Against The Spread Pick 'Em League Champion - Josh Florence

3-6) Four Major Golf Winners - Angel Cabrera, Lucas Glover, Stewart Cink, PGA Champion.

7-10) Four Major Tennis Winners - Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer (twice) - NOTE: in Roger's case, the more major's he wins, the higher his seeding will be for the Big Dance.

11) Heisman Trophy Winner - Sam Bradford (took place AFTER our Thanksgiving cut-off date)

12) PBA Bowler of the Year - Wes Malott (just beat out Norm Duke)

13) PBA 64 Match-Play Champion - Chris Barnes

14-15) AL and NL Cy Young Award Winners - TBD

16-17) AL and NL MVP - TBD

18) The Hart Memorial Trophy Winner - Alexander Ovechkin

19) NBA MVP - LeBron James

20) NFL MVP - Peyton Manning (another carry-over, just like the Heisman)

21) Super Bowl MVP - Santonio Holmes

22) Naismith College Basketball Player of the Year - Blake Griffin

23) NCAA Basketball Tournament Most Outstanding Player - Wayne Ellington

24) Top Grossing Movie Of The Year - would have been The Dark Knight last year. Transformers II leads thus far.

25) Song that spends the longest time #1 on Billboard's Chart - "Boom Boom Pow" has this all but locked up (12 weeks).

26-29) Top Four FHM Sexiest Women In The World - #4 Jessica Biel, #3 Scarlett Johansson, #2 Jessica Alba, #1 Megan Fox (first to repeat #1 since J-Lo did it in 2000/2001) ... NOTE: Fox will be seeded higher than Alba who will be seeded higher than Scarlett, etc.

30) Daytona 500 Winning Crew Chief - Drew Blickensderfer

31) NASCAR's Sprint To The Cup Winner - TBD.

32) Super Bowl Champions - Pittsburgh Steelers

33) World Series Champions - TBD.

34) Stanley Cup Champions - PITTSBURGH PENGUINS!!

35) NBA Champions - Los Angeles Lakers

36) NCAA Basketball Champions - North Carolina Tar Heels

37) NCAA Football Champions - Florida Gators

That's the list. With approximately 37 spots reserved for Automatic Qualifiers, it allows for 59 At-Large teams (just less than half of the field).

The three-person committee will convene in August to sort through At-Large candidates, and then again in November to go back over the At-Large and begin seeding the tournament.

In the meantime, we could always use some help. Please, any At-Large candidate you think HAS to be in here, let us know. Also, any Automatic Qualifier you think we missed ... please correct us. We are always open to new ideas. In fact, it was a new idea that got us started with this mess in the first place.

So there you have it, more than you probably wanted to know, but if you made it this far, then there might just be a slight chance you are just as hooked as we are. Let us know you are especially excited, and we might just give you an At-Large bid. Heck, maybe you might even walk away with the 2009 F'd Up Championship.

And yes, we do have a trophy (very similar to the Claret Jug), and yes, we will be engraving it just like the Stanley Cup.

Giddy-up my friends, a long and exciting journey awaits.

Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."

2009 F'd Up Tourney: LIVE BLOGGING THE FIRST ROUND (Part Two)

By: Luke Florence

Okay, so in PART ONE, we rolled the first 32 match-ups for the Mainstay tournament, and now we are left with 32 more. No trickiness here, but expect some greater detail on the last couple of matches.

Enjoy.

40) Cedar Point vs. 89) Bill Simmons

The theme park takes a 47-38 lead to the half.

Cedar Point shows its muscle taking out The Sports Guy ... 99-78 ... well, if Simmons really wants in, he can put me in his next mailbag.

27) The Beast vs. 102) Seinfeld

49-33 for the best car Tiffin has ever seen.

At least Costanza won earlier ... The Beast keeps on truckin ... 81-77.

50) New Year's Eve Disco Bash vs. 79) Ernest Byner

Winner gets Ronald Pittman.

43-30 for Byner ... but remember, Byner played exceptionally well in the first half during the Fumble game too.

82-62 ... Byner is just too strong ... his only loss in the entire F'd Up Tourney history was to the Lesbians ... watch out Pittman.

60) True Colors vs. 69) Michael Jordan

37-37 at half ... how clutch is MJ?? ... we will find out.

89-69 in favor of His Airness ... LeBron who??

30) Gridiron Glory vs. 99) That's What She Said

Winner gets the highest scorer thus far, Looper/Olson.

37-33 for TWSS at half.

75-73 for TWSS in an exciting second half ... Looper/Olson is ecstatic ... they outscored TWSS by 38 ... goodness.

46) Mitch Hedberg vs. 83) Fuck You

36-34 for Fuck You with five rolls to go.

This just in ... Mitch Hedberg is dead ... Fuck You wins 82-71.

62) Scotty B vs. 67) Vinny Testaverde

The last Browns QB to win a playoff game is up 39-35 at half.

Scotty B rolls double 6's in his second to last roll, and then rolls a 19 on his final to win by four ... INCREDIBLE!! ... 88-84.

28) Norm Duke vs. 101) The Frank Twins

The dynamic duo up 47-33 at half ... Norm Duke needs some help.

Duke gave it his all ... but fell short (pun intended) 79-72 ... The Frank Twins face WHEI In The Mornings ... thus guaranteeing themselves a spot somehow in the Big Dance.

55) Fort Ball Buffet vs. 74) Brady Quinn

The 2009 Browns starting QB up 36-31 at half.

69-65 in a sloppy outing ... winner ... Fort Ball Buffet ... not a good '09 start for Quinn.

56) Tiffin Calvert vs. 73) Keith Cawley

In a tight contest ... Cawley takes a 37-35 lead to half ... this man made it to the Elite 8 last year before falling to yours truly.

Not a surprising result ... Cawley takes it in stride ... 77-67 ... watch out for this guy.

58) Bart Borer vs. 71) Pizza Hut Lunch Buffet

43-37 for PHLB ... Bart has his work cut out for him.

Bart finally met his match, as PHLB tears up Borer ... 90-71 ... not even Bart can conquer the Buffet franchise.

59) Cool Runnings vs. 70) Jeff Gordon

44-39 for the greatest movie of all-time ... what a battle.

Gordon finishes just behind Cool Runnings ... losing 76-73 ... feel the rhythm, feel the rhyme.

45) Cleveland Browns vs. 84) Semi-Charmed Life

As usual, the Browns trail 35-32 at half.

And, as usual, the Browns lose right at the end ... 70-69 ... Semi-Charmed Life prevails.

49) Rick Majerus vs. 80) Mitch Richmond

36-34 Richmond at the half ... Majerus already tired.

Coach Majerus makes the half-time adjustments, and wins an instant classic ... 77-76.

21) Ultimate Drama vs. 108) Wicked Sweet

In the highest scoring first-half yet ... Wicked Sweet is up 53-40 ... do these guys have anything left for the 2nd half??

Wicked Sweet only scores 23 points in the 2nd half, but it is just enough to win 76-75. Winner gets the winner of the Walton-Koma showdown.

44) Bill Walton vs. 85) Jason Koma

Walton is disgusted, as an 8 was the highest roll for either squad. Walton up 30-28 at half.

Second straight game where the trailing team has the last roll, but ends up one point short. Walton holds on 66-65. Five straight decided by three or fewer. Buckle in folks.

9) Big John vs. 120) Bob "The Wickster" Wickman

Winner gets Keith Cawley.

Big John up 45-37 at half ... but can Wickster come back and get the save??

Wickster never gets the chance to blow the save, as he trails throughout on his way to a 83-75 defeat.

Big John ... meet Keith Cawley.

17) Allan Houston vs. 112) B To P

38-29 for the old Bengals connection ... Blake to Pickens.

AGAIN, the trailing team comes up one point short on the final throw ... what are the odds?? ... B to P lives to fight another day ... winning 77-76.

48) Arby's vs. 81) Gus Johnson

Arby's leads 42-40 at the half ... still holding out hope Gus can rebound ... he is still furious about his Lesbians loss three years ago.

BATISTA WITH THE CATCH!!!! ... MY NAME IS GUS JOHNSON AND I ROLL DICE!!! ... Gus wins it 96-84, in run-a-way fashion. It did happen ... believe.

5) Mrs. Bursa's Popcorn vs. 124) Tiffin

T-Town, the Cy Young Killer three years back, puts up a 16 in the final seconds of the first half to go into the locker-room, up 43-39.

However, Mrs. Bursa's Popcorn outlasts T-Town, winning 76-73. Up next for Mrs. Bursa will be Michael Jordan.

1) The Office vs. 128) Alex Lucius

Lucius, who only scored 59 in qualifying dead last ... puts up a measly 28 in the first half ... lucky for him, The Office only scored 31.

In, without question was the most entertaining match thus far, Lucius rallies to win 65-64, scoring a 9 on his last throw to win by one. America prevails!!

38) DP's vs. 91) Big Ten Basketball

51-43 Big Ten Basketball??? ... AT THE HALF??? ... This is without a doubt the F'd Up Tourney ... no where else will you find big ten basketball scoring 51 in an entire game, let alone one half of play.

84-78 gives Big Ten the win ... go figure ... too bad The Beast awaits them.

33) Beer vs. 96) Forgetting Sarah Marshall

32-28, as last year's runner-up, Beer, leads at half.

Change the format and it doesn't matter ... Beer still prevails ... 75-65.

64) Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs. 65) Structured Randomness

Winner gets Alex Lucius.

Our last actual professional "team" still in it, ND trails 36-31 at half.

Fitting that all of our pro teams are out after one round ... ND loses to Structured Randomness 77-63. Again, not a good '09 start for the Irish. Big Al awaits.

39) Fifty On The Fifties vs. 90) Black History Month

44-39 in favor of Barnes' favorite month. G-Unit needs to make some line-up changes.

It may be July, but February survives ... winning 82-77 ... in all fairness, Barnes' February felt like our July.

11) Matt Barnes vs. 118) Tom Hamilton

We are going to do a R-B-R (roll-by-roll) for this titanic match-up. Kevin will be rolling for the voice of the Indians, while I will be rolling for the other guy.

Game on.

Roll #1 - Barnes leads with a 9, and Hamilton follows with a 5.

Roll #2 - Barnes now has 16, and Hamilton closes the gap. Score 16-12 Barnes.

Roll #3 - Barnes rolls double 2's, AND ONE's a 6, while Hamilton rolls a 9. Score, 26-21 Barnes.

Roll #4 - A seven for Barnes, and snake eyes for Hamilton (AND ONE's a 5). Score, 33-28 Barnes.

Roll #5 - Double 4's for Barnes (AND ONE's another 6), while Hamilton limps in to the locker-room. 47-33 at the half in favor of Matt Barnes.

Roll #6 - Staying consistent to start the 2nd half, Barnes rolls an 8, Hamilton follows with a 9. Barnes up 55-42.

Roll #7 - First bad roll for Barnes (5), and Hamilton responds with a 17 (5+5+5+2). Barnes leads 60-59 with just three rolls left. Goodness.

Roll #8 - Another five for Barnes, as Hamilton grabs the lead for the first time all game. Hamilton now up 69-65.

Roll #9 - An average seven for Barnes, while Hamilton piles it on. Hamilton up 80-72. An astonishing 47 points in four rolls for Hamilton in the 2nd half.

Last Roll - SWUNG ON AND MISSED ... BALLGAME!!! ... Hamilton closes out the win, taking out Barnes 85-79.

57) Major League I and II vs. 72) Casey Blake

In the Roger Dorn Championship, the movies have the better of the real thing thus far, 41-33 mid-way.

A back-and-forth affair ends up with Major League I and II coming out ahead ... winning on the final roll ... 79-78. Up next is George Costanza.

4) LOST vs. 125) Grady Sizemore

Two big guns come out swinging ... 51-44 Grady at the half.

Grady keeps up scoring, while LOST can not keep up. Sizemore wins it 92-74. Randy Hunt "Rub Money" awaits.

42) Lesbians vs. 87) Tim Couch

49-34 for the last Browns QB to beat the Pittsburgh Steelers.

In the upset of the tournament ... Timmy Couch knocks off the Lesbians ... BY THIRTY!! ... 92-62. The Lesbians are screaming to bring the quarter back (pun intended).

51) Chris Farley vs. 78) Trainwreck

42-37 for the big fat man ... Farley and Jimmy V are the only dead candidates left.

Needing an 8 to tie, Trainwreck rolled a 23 on their last throw, to win 99-84. Jimmy V now stands alone. Up next for Trainwreck is Brad Bursa who defeated Awful earlier today.

7) Butch Davis vs. 122) Bernie Kosar

40-33 for the Coach ... and he still has two challenge flags to use.

In one of the ugliest match-ups in recent history, Butch Davis advances 68-64. You can send donations for Bernie Kosar, just address them to me.

31) Yankees "E League" Team vs. 98) David Carr

This is history ... right now. Let's go roll by roll to close out the 1st round.

Roll #1 - Yankees get the better of the first rolls ... Yankees lead 7-5.

Roll #2 - Keeping the momentum going, the Yankees now are up 17-11.

Roll #3 - Stretching the lead ever so little, Yankees lead it 26-19 after three rolls.

Roll #4 - Big roll by David Carr puts him right back in it, as he trails by one, 31-30.

Roll #5 - Going into half-time, Professor Carr has the lead, up 39-38.

Roll #6 - Doubles by Carr stretches his lead to ten, 55-45.

Roll #7 - Yankees might be out of gas, as they trail it 62-51 after seven.

Roll #8 - And the undefeated might suffer their first loss to the man, the myth, the legend. Carr up 70-58.

Roll #9 - Doubles rolled by the Yankees give them hope, but they still trail it 74-66 with just one roll left.

Roll #10 - That's all she wrote for the undefeated Yankees. David Carr hands them their first ever loss, by a final score of 81-73.

Thank you for joining us tonight for the 1st Round of the Mainstay Tournament. We will be back very soon for the 2nd Round, where the winners will punch their ticket to the Big Dance.

Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."

2009 F'd Up Tourney: LIVE BLOGGING THE FIRST ROUND (Part One)

By: Luke Florence

Welcome to the live running blog of the 1st Round Mainstay Matchups. Kevin and I are sitting in the friendly confines of Madison, WI as we begin on this epic journey.

Here is how you can follow along.

We will be rolling these match-ups in order just as they appear. Next to the match-up you will find the estimated start time, the half-time score, and eventually the final score. If there are any memorable moments, or AND ONE possibilities, we will let you know.

All times are EST. We will break for dinner at 7:40 PM EST, and be back with the second half ... if we are still alive.

And here ... we ... go.

29) Bob Seger vs. 100) November 31st - 5:00 PM - Okay, we are off. Winner of this contest gets the winner of Adam Sandler-Little Hugo's. Giddy up. It's finally happening.

40-36 Nov. 31st at half

72-72 - WE ARE GOING TO OVERTIME ... god help us

85-83 IN OVERTIME ... the winner NOVEMBER 31ST

47) Hot Nuts vs. 82) Gino Toretta - 5:05 PM

44-38 - for old Mr. Toretta at half.

Toretta stumbles at the end, and loses 84-80 to Hot Nuts.

10) Do With This As You Will vs. 119) Omar Vizquel/Carlos Baerga - 5:10 PM

47-41 - DWTAUW up.

The tag team duo storms out of the gates, wins it on the last roll ... 82-78 Vizquel/Baerga.

63) Giddy Up vs. 66) Will Ferrell - 5:15 PM

39-37 Ferrell at half.

Ferrell stays ahead the entire 2nd half, and semi-cruises to a 79-70 win.

3) Power/Man In The Starter Sweatshirt vs. 126) Family Guy - 5:20 PM

40-37 at half in favor for Power ... Family Guy lucky to be this close.

Family Guy holds off a final double roll ... and wins by one ... 75-74.

35) Ballbuster Pick Of The Week vs. 94) Looper-Olson - 5:25 PM

Looper/Olson rolls double 6's ... adds a 6 ... and then finishes with a 5 ... for a roll of 23!!

That's why it's called the F'd Up Tourney. Looper/Olson up 60-44 at half.

Looper/Olson posts the highest recorded score in history, as they pummel the ballbuster ... 113-92 ... defense was at a premium.

2) FAN-tastic vs. 127) Don't Be Stupid - 5:30 PM

44-41 Don't Be Stupid up at the half ... winner gets Will Ferrell in the 2nd Round.

(Brief intermission while Kevin explains the rules to Shane Kline, who is an automatic qualifier for winning our fantasy football league)

74-69 ... Don't Be Stupid takes it ... Ballbuster Pick of the Week is fuming ... and we have our first 2nd round matchup finalized ... Don't Be Stupid vs. Will Ferrell.

32) Gay Lanes vs. 97) O.U.I.M. - 5:35 PM

41-29 Gay Lanes at half.

Gay Lanes holds off a furious OUIM challenge, and take it 86-80, by rolling a 16 on their last turn.

52) BBG vs. 77) Merkt's Cheese - 5:40 PM

45-30 at half for the Wisconsin cheese.

97-63 for Merkt's Cheese, the biggest win thus far ... and incredibly, we are on schedule.

13) Stuart Appleby vs. 116) The Pin-Pals - 5:45 PM

41-40 for the golfer ... you know he is sitting on the edge of his seat ... winner gets Merkt's Cheese, who actually stayed around to see how this one would play out.

Appleby stretches his lead throughout the 2nd half ... and wins ... 80-68 ... he gets Merkt's next.

37) WHEI In The Mornings/Maxine Monday's vs. 92) Taco John's - 5:50 PM

We are tied at 49 at half ... oh billy.

Taco John's upended 93-82 ... as Maxine Monday's lives to fight another day.

6) Cleveland Indians vs. 123) Unappreciative Bastard "Vince Carter" - 5:55 PM

38-36 for Mr. Carter at half ... can the Indians salvage out of this season??

Berry Wood blows the save ... and we are headed to extra innings ... 71-71.

The Indians bullpen implodes yet again ... as they get smoked 94-77 in OT.

19) The Applebee's Commercial vs. 110) The Promise - 6:00 PM

The Promise trails 41-34 at half ... as Bob Seger sorrowfully plays on in the background, even though he was the first person eliminated in this entire tournament.

But just when you think The Promise is out ... it pulls himself back in ... 76-73 The Promise advances.

14) Awful vs. 115) Brad Bursa - 6:05 PM

41-35 for our good friend Bursa as he tries to upset the 2006 #1 seed.

78-67 ... BURRRRRRRSSSAAAA ... he will take the winner of Chris Farley/Trainwreck.

22) McHappy's vs. 107) Little Tikes Hoop - 6:10 PM

41-29 for the 24 hour doughnut shop.

McHappy's dominates from the on-set, and wins 87-67.

18) St. Mary's Elementary vs. 111) Jimmy V - 6:15 PM

42-34 ... Never Give Up.

87-79 ... again ... NEVER GIVE UP ... Jimmy V is alive (sort of). Hot Nuts await in the 2nd round (that's what she said).

15) Ronald Pittman vs. 114) Anchorman - 6:20 PM

42-33 at half, in favor of Pittman.

85-71, as Pittman knocks off Anchorman ... how many of your brackets are just ruined now??

25) New against Old Browns Beer Pong vs. 104) Asian Invasion - 6:25 PM

60-44 in favor of the browns beer-pong ... in two rules they rolled 32 ... ONIONS!!

In a beat-down reminiscent of the Browns' glory days (which were when exactly??) ... they send the Asian Invasion back home ... winning 104-76.

41) Reach vs. 88) Mel Kiper III/T.Willy - 6:30 PM

41-40 for Reach ... Kevin really hopes T.Willy comes up with the win.

T.Willy needs a 10 to send it to OT, but rolls a 9 ... losing by one ... 80-79 ... one for the ages.

8) George Costanza vs. 121) Mrs. Hughes' French Class - 6:35 PM

And yes ... Kevin is rolling for George ... no question about it.

30-29 at half for Mrs. Hughes ... dial up the opposite.

Tied at 64 after nine rolls, George eeks out the win ... 71-67.

24) John Chaney vs. 105) Sweet Franklin - 6:40 PM

Sweet Franklin loves the double 4's ... up 52-40 at half.

John Cheney is unable to make any half-time adjustments, and loses 91-76, as the 2nd Wade Peery expression advances. Up next for Sweet Franklin will be Reach.

53) J-RO vs. 76) Paul Culver - 6:45 PM

The General leads it 38-35 at half.

Culver takes it rather easily ... 82-65.

16) Lieutenant Dan vs. 113) Ohio University - 6:50 PM

The institution rolls three doubles and takes a 40-35 lead half-way through.

78-61 as Lt.Dan looks miserable in action ... OU moves on.

36) Adam Sandler vs. 93) Little Hugo's - 6:55 PM

Winner gets November 31st.

37-30 Sandler at the half. Advantage Nov. 31st.

Little Hugo's makes up some ground, completes the comeback and advances 85-80 over Sandler.

20) K.E.L.E.R. vs. 109) Mansfield! - 7:00 PM

Mansfield! takes the half-time lead 34-33 in a barn-burner.

On the strength of a 28 point roll ... KELER takes it 90-74.

23) Keith Hodkinson vs. 106) Erik "Guss" Huss - 7:05 PM

48-39 for Kevin's least-favorite broadcaster ... ever.

Guss makes a valiant effort ... ties it at 74 with one roll to go ... needs a 6 to tie ... but rolls a 5 ... Keith Hodkinson gets the winner of Lesbians and Tim Couch ... 80-79.

61) Planes, Trains and Automobiles vs. 68) Randy Hunt "Rub Money" - 7:10 PM

35-32 for Randy ... can John Candy and Steve Martin comeback??

Randy wins an offensive struggle ... 71-62 ... The Rub Money is alive.

34) Jay Bilas "Strong" vs. 95) John Daly - 7:15 PM

50-33 for JD ... it's got to be the pants.

Jay Bilas was quite "weak" in this match-up ... JD walks on ... 84-66.

54) Bromley 310 vs. 75) Tom Hodson - 7:20 PM

Hodson, on the strength of a 17 point turn ... takes the half-time lead 44-42.

But Bromley 310 storms out of the gate in the 2nd half and cruises to a 93-74 victory. The Matt Barnes/Tom Hamilton winner awaits.

43) Memorial Day Weekend vs. 86) Ten Things I Hate About You - 7:25 PM

Winner gets McHappy's.

45-36 for Memorial Day Weekend ... the rolling committee is quite pleased with this results so far.

78-64 for MDW ... thank god.

26) The Ceiling Bracket vs. 103) Route 56/Hollerback Girl - 7:30 PM

48-32 for the ever immortal Ceiling Bracket ... again, the rolling committee is in good spirits.

In the biggest comeback victory we have had yet ... Route 56 rolls a 15 and then an 11 to win by one ... unreal ... 81-80.

12) Keystone Light vs. 117) Rudy - 7:35 PM

36-34 for the little guy at half.

73-70 for Rudy ... and guess what awaits him ... none other than the legendary Paul Culver.

2009 F'd Up Tourney: Mainstay Bracket

By: Luke Florence

Okay, so we are getting ready to roll for the 2009 Mainstay Tournament, thus marking the official beginning of the 2009 F'd Up Tournament. Here are some quick rules so you can follow along.

1) We have 128 Mainstays. Only 32 will advance to the main tournament. So, each team needs to win twice to guarantee themselves a spot.

2) After we have our 32 Mainstays, we will continue with the tournament. The farther you go, the higher your seeding will be in the Big Dance. And, seeding does matter in the Big Dance, unlike this Mainstay Tournament.

3) To determine who wins and who loses, Kevin and I will be rolling dice. Each team will roll a pair of dice ten times. Add up the total to determine the winner. However, we have instituted an AND ONE rule. For example, say Keith Cawley rolls double 5's. He will then get to roll one dice another time. If he rolls an ensuing 4, his turn is over (5+5+4). But, if he rolls ANOTHER 5, he continues to roll one dice until he stops rolling 5's. In theory, the turn could take forever (5+5+5+5+1).

4) If for some miraculous reason, the teams tie after their 10th roll, then we go to overtime. Overtime will consist of two rolls of the dice per team. This will continue until a tie is broken. If we have a Syracuse-G'Town encounter with 6 OT's, I doubt you will ever hear from any one of us again.





That's about it. We will discuss At-Large candidates and Automatic qualifiers after we finish this tournament.

The KOA will be live blogging this event with estimated roll times and all other important updates.

Giddy up.

Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."

2009 F'd Up Tourney: Ranking The Mainstay First Round (Part Two)

By: Luke Florence

In PART ONE, we took a look at the lesser half of the 1st Round match-ups for the 2009 Mainstay Tournament. Moving forward, it's time to find out the top 32 pairings. I know the anticipation is probably killing you.

There is one small, albeit important, piece of information that needs to be attended. PLEASE VOTE ON THE FOUR MATCH-UPS YOU WANT TO SEE ADDED AS "PRIME-TIME" GAMES. Kevin and I will roll these live on a podcast. The top ten will all be in the discussion, and you can vote on my sidebar. Vote for the four you want to see the most. If the match-up is not included, then LET US KNOW! Write a comment at the end of the post. We aim to please. You never know, it just might find it's way on air.

Staying with the 1999 movie references, here ... we ... go.

THE 'MATRIX' DIVISION

32. - 40) Cedar Point vs. 89) Bill Simmons - Hard to describe exactly why I am excited for this match-up. It has my favorite writer going up against my favorite amusement park. They both keep me entertained in differing fashions. Funny and insightful writing versus the top thrill dragster. Buckle in folks, this contest has serious momentum swings written all over it. That last sentence is better than you realize. Much better.

31. - 27) The Beast vs. 102) Seinfeld - Should be much higher on this list, but both of these entities are retired, so it loses some of it's luster. Each team proved, almost effortlessly, the ability to take an average situation and turn it into a comedic adventure. Time and time again.

30. - 50) New Year's Eve Disco Bash vs. 79) Ernest Byner - For some strange reason Hunt loves this contest. The common link between these two teams has to be the whole "dropping the ball," but Byner "fumbled" it more so than it "dropped." That being said, I have this strange feeling that Byner is on a mission this year. Recent reports from Webster Slaughter confirm this thought.

29. - 60) True Colors vs. 69) Michael Jordan - This is where the Mainstay Tournament really earns its' name. Jordan was bounced in the second round of the '06 F'd Up Tourney, but now has to win TWICE to get back to the 2009 Tourney. If he loses, he's out. Chances are he won't make it as an at-large, and unless he qualifies for the U.S. Open in golf and then goes on to win that tournament, he won't get in as an automatic either. For Jordan, it's win or go home. Knowing his background, chances are, it will be the former.

28. - 30) Gridiron Glory vs. 99) That's What She Said - The entire selection committee was a part of Gridiron Glory, not to mention Barnes acted as host for two solid years. That's What She Said is an upstart team, one that has emerged onto the scene as of late, and at least for this member, is a daily occurrence. Go read that sentence again ... it's much better than you think.

27. - 46) Mitch Hedberg vs. 83) Fuck You - When you buy a box of Ritz crackers, on the back of the box, they have all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. "Try it with turkey and cheese. Try it with peanut butter." But I like crackers man, that's why I bought it, 'cause I like crackers! I don't see a suggestion to put a Ritz on top of a Ritz. I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates! You've got no faith in the product itself.

26. - 62) Scotty B vs. 67) Vinny Testaverde - These two guys have more in common than what just meets the eye. For instance, who was the last Cleveland Browns quarterback to win a playoff game? Vinny T. Can you name one of the five members of the Tiffin Calvert golf team to last win a league title? Scotty B. This one is just too close to call.

25. - 28) Norm Duke vs. 101) The Frank Twins - For some reason unbeknown to me, I love this match-up. Pairing Kris and Nic together as one team instead of two individuals should help them collectively move farther as one cohesive unit. But the draw was unkind to them, as they got paired against the best "roller" in this tournament.

24. - 55) Fort Ball Buffet vs. 74) Brady Quinn - This tournament means much more to Fort Ball than it does Brady, assuming that Quinn can gather an at-large birth. Nonetheless, if Quinn wins the inaugural mainstay tourney AND finally gets a chance to lead the Browns this season, his seeding could skyrocket. It's safe to assume that Obama has one of the eight #1 seeds locked up, but Quinn - under that scenario - would be sitting right there with him. A white Republican and a black democrat. That's what this tournament is all about.

23. - 56) Tiffin Calvert vs. 73) Keith Cawley - Got to feel for Cawley a bit. He loses in the Elite Eight of the inaugural F'd Up Tourney to the eventual champion. On his way there, he dispatched the likes of Fidel Castro and top seeded King Kong. What does he get for his hard work? An invitation to the Mainstay Tournament where he will have to win twice to get back to the big dance.

THE 'STAR WARS: EPISODE I - THE PHANTOM MENACE' DIVISION

22. - 58) Bart Borer vs. 71) Pizza Hut Lunch Buffet - There is no question that Bart can - and has - destroyed numerous lunch buffets. The question will be whether he can single-handily destroy an entire lunch buffet ORGANIZATION. I wouldn't put it past him, and have to think it's his game to lose. This is a guy who has eaten past full. That's right ... he was eating ... got full ... kept eating .. and was no longer full. Ladies and gentleman ... Bart Borer!

21. - 59) Cool Runnings vs. 70) Jeff Gordon - Two teams who have been mainstays in the KOA's book for more than a decade. Gordon has been itching so badly to get a win, word on the street is that he's been challenging his kids to foot races ... to no avail. Whether or not he can race past the Jamaican bobsled team will remain to be seen. If it's the Swiss-Jamaican team, then Gordon will advance, but if it's "feel the rhythm" team, Gordon may have to move to Attica, Ohio to win a race.

20. - 45) Cleveland Browns vs. 84) Semi-Charmed Life - I want something else ... to get me through this ... semi-charmed kind of life. I want something else ... I'm not listening when you say ... Good-biiiiiiiiiiii. With the direction this Browns organization has been headed the past ten years, my feelings are matched perfectly with this Third Eye Blind song.

19. - 49) Rick Majerus vs. 80) Mitch Richmond - Both these guys are known for basketball in some way, shape (pun intended), or form. But, that's not why they are both in this tournament. Majerus got a spot thanks to his broadcasting career, and Richmond worked his way into Mainstay status due to Hunt's love affair with him on NBA Jam.

18. - 21) Ultimate Drama vs. 108) Wicked Sweet - A card game that got invented during a ridiculously long - and boring - Notre Dame football game battles the 2005 OUIM runner-up ping-pong team (Hunt and myself). Can't go wrong with either choice, but it should be known, the longer my job search takes, the better chance I will attempt to patent Ultimate Drama, because it really is a terrific card game.

17. - 44) Bill Walton vs. 85) Jason Koma - Another one of Hunt's favorites, and anytime you include the greatness that is Bill Walton, you have a compelling match-up. Walton, who has said this about many people, added, "His arrogance is an insult to people who can think." I guess that's what you get when you forget to properly check-out a camera.

THE 'SIXTH SENSE' DIVISION

16. - 9) Big John vs. 120) Bob "The Wickster" Wickman - Too ... many ... jokes.

15. - 17) Allan Houston vs. 112) B To P - The battle of St. Mary's creations. They are both classic in their own right, and just knowing that one will advance is enough for me. But if you were to ask me which one was better - I'd have to choose Allan Houston. Come on, we picked his last name by blindly picking a city off of a United States map. It was meant to be.

14. - 48) Arby's vs. 81) Gus Johnson - Why doesn't Gus do more commercials? Especially around March Madness time? It's one of those mysteries I will never understand. He should be THE hottest commodity right now, but yet we will be stuck with the same boring commercials throughout the entire NCAA tourney.

13. - 5) Mrs. Bursa's Popcorn vs. 124) Tiffin - A newcomer against a sweet sixteen squad from '06. Tiffin had one of the biggest upsets in the 2006 F'd Up Tourney. They were an #8 seed, beat Cy Young in the 1st Round, and then knocked off the overall #1 seed for the entire tourney, Cool Runnings. Tiffin eventually fell to the kids from The O.C., and are looking to get back in to make some more noise. Can they defeat the delicious tasting popcorn courtesy of Mrs. Bursa? Welcome to the Mainstay tournament.

12. - 1) The Office vs. 128) Alex Lucius - Luckily for Lucius, the Mainstay tourney does not have any spreads, which makes this contest just as much as a toss-up as the rest of them. The Office was the only team to qualify in the 100's, while Lucius was the only team to qualify with a sub-60 score. Think about that for a second ... he shot a 59 ... that's nearly impossible with our format. We are rolling a pair of dice, ten times. Keep a running score, and don't forget about our continuous AND ONE rule on doubles, and you will more than likely be in the 75-85 range. What Lucius did was truly special. But, if you have ever talked to the kid, you already knew he was truly special.

11. - 38) DP's vs. 91) Big Ten Basketball - I'll take 'Things I Don't Want To Spend More Than 5 Minutes With Unless I'm Drunk' for $500 Alex.

THE 'GREEN MILE' DIVISION

10. - 33) Beer vs. 96) Forgetting Sarah Marshall - After seeing this movie with D-Frank, I convinced Hunt it was worth a trip to the theater. But, I would only go if we were drinking ... the entire time. So, we started pre-gaming two hours before the movie started, and then Kevin came up with the idea of sneaking beers into the movies. So, with Bud Light cans stuffed in our jeans and sweat-shirt pockets, we enjoyed this hilarious movie with refreshing Bud Light. The funniest part had to be when we decided to crack open the cans. Hunt typically waited until loud music, or laughter from the crowd. Not me, I waited until it was silent ... and then cracked them open. Fitting they go up against each other. And don't forget ... Beer was the runner-up in the 2006 F'd Up Tourney.

9. - 64) Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs. 65) Structured Randomness - The KOA coined "structured randomness" to describe why Hunt and I loved this F'd Up Tourney idea. We didn't even realize how it perfectly described most of our favorite teams as well. Makes sense that these two are paired in the 64-65 contest. The two teams smack-dab in the middle of the entire tournament.

8. - 39) Fifty On The Fifties vs. 90) Black History Month - You know how The Weather Channel gives local weather reports on the 8's? Well, that was the thought process behind Fifty On The Fifties. In Bromley 310, with our massive speakers, we were going to blast 50 Cent music at 12:50, 1:50, etc. Now, they face Black History Month. Jesse Jackson where are you? This is exactly the pre-Obama stuff you would be all over. Tell me you are not still crying.

7. - 11) Matt Barnes vs. 118) Tom Hamilton - No question the match-up with the most star power. The voice of the Cleveland Indians up against the entity known as Matt Barnes. You can't make this stuff up. Luckily for Barnes, his tournament hopes do not hinge on this match-up. As the third member of the three-person selection committee, he will automatically be in. But, his seeding WILL hinge on this tournament. He got bounced by Taco John's three years ago, so he needs to build some momentum for the big dance. But, if Tom Hamilton has any say, it will be a "SWUNG ON AND MISSED ... BALLGAME!" on Barnes' Mainstay chances.

6. - 57) Major League I and II vs. 72) Casey Blake - You can refer to this contest as The Roger Dorn Championship. Enough said.

THE 'AMERICAN BEAUTY' DIVISION

5. - 4) LOST vs. 125) Grady Sizemore - Two of my favorites from differing entities. In five seasons, LOST has proved itself to be one of the most groundbreaking and truly unique shows I have ever seen. In five plus seasons, Grady has proved to be the best Indians player this side of Albert Belle. No matter which way you slice it, I will be sad at the conclusion of this titanic match-up.

4. - 42) Lesbians vs. 87) Tim Couch - In the inaugural F'd Up Tourney, an 11-seed named 'Lesbians' took the field by storm. They were unflappable in their upset defeat of Gus Johnson in the first round. They followed up that ground-breaking victory by knocking off the Pizza Hut Lunch Buffet, Notre Dame and Awful on their way to the Final Four. However, yours truly were finally able to "flap" the unflappable Lesbians. Now, in order to make it back to the 2009 F'd Up Tourney, they will have to get by the last Cleveland Browns quarterback to defeat the Pittsburgh Steelers. Game on.

3. - 51) Chris Farley vs. 78) Trainwreck - Does this really need an explanation? Never mistake coincidence for fate.

2. - 7) Butch Davis vs. 122) Bernie Kosar - A pair of Cleveland Browns legends. The Coach vs. The QB. Coach Davis might have bit off more than he can chew, because due to Bernie's recent financial troubles, the quarterback needs to win this thing now more than ever. Butch has been calling us for months now trying to get us to implement the replay system so he can have the ability to challenge.

1. - 31) Yankees "E League" Team vs. 98) David Carr - Only a few of you will realize how this is the best first round Mainstay match-up. Let me attempt to do this ridiculous scenario justice. The easiest to explain are the Yankees. E League was a baseball league for 9-10 year old kids. Well, when I was 10, I played on the Yankees, and we dominated, absolutely dominated the entire league. We went 16-0 (they canceled the championship game because the league decided there would be no point ... true story). We outscored our opponents 196-33. We had four guys bat more than .600 (yours truly went .694, Guss batted an even .800, while Adam Lawrence compiled a .636 average). In short, we were the best team ever compiled in that league. Now, to move on to David Carr, who is a professor at Ohio University. It's hard to put into words how to explain the entity that is David Carr, but Barnes does a good job of it HERE. In short, he was the king of youth athletics. According to himself, he wrote the book on youth sports. My top two David Carr stories are: 1) he was the only downhill skier on his basketball team (as if that meant anything??) and 2) he introduced grass to little kids in Mexico for them to play soccer. And now, these two giants are paired up. My head is about to explode in anticipation.

Okay, that sums it all up. Thanks for staying patient with me. And remember, please VOTE on the four match-ups you want to hear us do live on a podcast. And please don't all vote at once.

Be on the look out for more material surrounding the F'd Up Tourney, as I anticipate the Mainstay tourney getting started very soon.

Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."