2009 NFL ATS Pick 'Em: Week Six PICKS

By: Luke Florence

Here are our week six picks. Still needing He Who Shall Not Be Named and Spider's. They have roughly 15 minutes to get them in. Best of luck.

WEEK SIX PICKS

Billy: JAX, KC, CIN, MIN, DET, PIT, CAR, NYG, SEA, PHI, NYJ, NE, CHI, DEN

Lay: JAX, KC, HOU, MIN, GB, CLE, CAR, NO, SEA, PHI, NYJ, NE, ATL, DEN

Justin: STL, WAS, HOU, BAL, DET, CLE, CAR, NYG, SEA, PHI, NYJ, NE, ATL, SD

Jeff: STL, KC, HOU, MIN, GB, CLE, TB, NYG, SEA, PHI, NYJ, NE, ATL, DEN

Rapking: JAX, KC, CIN, MIN, DET, CLE, TB, NYG, SEA, PHI, NYJ, TEN, ATL, SD

Tynan: STL, WAS, HOU, MIN, DET, CLE, CAR, NO, ARI, PHI, BUF, TEN, CHI, DEN

Schaffer:

Reamer: JAX, KC, CIN, BAL, GB, PIT, CAR, NO, SEA, PHI, NYJ, NE, ATL, SD

L.Po: JAX, WAS, HOU, MIN, GB, PIT, CAR, NO, ARI, PHI, NYJ, NE, ATL, SD

R.Po: JAX, KC, HOU, BAL, DET, PIT, CAR, NO, SEA, PHI, NYJ, NE, ATL, SD

Luke: JAX, KC, HOU, BAL, GB, PIT, CAR, NYG, SEA, PHI, NYJ, TEN, CHI, SD

Woody: JAX, KC, HOU, BAL, GB, CLE, TB, NYG, ARI, PHI, NYJ, NE, ATL, DEN

Smitty: STL, KC, HOU, BAL, GB, PIT, CAR, NYG, SEA, PHI, NYJ, NE, ATL, DEN

Fiz: JAX, KC, CIN, MIN, DET, PIT, CAR, NYG, ARI, PHI, NYJ, NE, ATL, DEN

Jake: JAX, WAS, CIN, MIN, GB, PIT, CAR, NO, SEA, PHI, NYJ, NE, ATL, SD

Barnes: JAX, WAS, CIN, MIN, GB, PIT, TB, NO, SEA, PHI, BUF, NE, ATL, SD

Shane: STL, WAS, HOU, MIN, GB, PIT, CAR, NYG, ARI, PHI, NYJ, NE, ATL, DEN

Braves: STL, KC, CIN, BAL, GB, PIT, CAR, NYG, SEA, PHI, NYJ, NE, CHI, DEN

Hug: JAX, KC, HOU, MIN, DET, CLE, CAR, NO, ARI, PHI, NYJ, NE, ATL, DEN

Kevin: STL, KC, CIN, BAL, GB, CLE, CAR, NYG, ARI, PHI, NYJ, NE, ATL, SD

Josh: JAX, WAS, CIN, BAL, GB, CLE, TB, NYG, ARI, OAK, NYJ, NE, CHI, DEN

Brian: STL, WAS, HOU, MIN, GB, CLE, CAR, NYG, SEA, PHI, NYJ, NE, ATL, DEN

Taylor:

Chewy: STL, WAS, CIN, BAL, GB, PIT, TB, NO, ARI, PHI, NYJ, NE, CHI, DEN

Bart: STL, KC, HOU, BAL, DET, CLE, TB, NYG, ARI, OAK, BUF, TEN, CHI, DEN

Devin: JAX, KC, HOU, MIN, DET, PIT, CAR, NYG, ARI, PHI, NYJ, NE, CHI, SD

Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."

2009 NFL ATS Pick 'Em: Week Six

By: Luke Florence (Pictures would not load for some reason ... apologies)

Each season brings something unique to the table. Spring gives us a respite from snow. Summer gives us pool-side days. Winter gives us Christmas. Fall gives us football.

But, Fall also brings much more than just action on the gridiron. It gives us Halloween, color-changing leaves, the World Series, and lastly … Homecoming.

This weekend my past (Ohio University) and present (University of Wisconsin) are celebrating Homecoming. With it comes kegs and eggs, parades, rivalry football games, and acquaintances renewed. A time truly worth celebrating.

With that in mind, we dive in to a tasty week six schedule.

ST. LOUIS @ JACKSONVILLE (-10.5)

The Rams have scored 34 points in five contests. Just less than a touchdown per game. Using that logic, all the Jaguars would need to cover would be two touchdowns and a field goal. Sounds simple enough right?

My Pick: JAX (-10.5)

Barnes: “This game is like the Burrito Buggy of this week’s games. So many better options around and if you decide to partake, it’ll just make you sick.” Matt Barnes decided to use Ohio University as his theme for this week. Well done sir.

Fiz: “What used to be the “Greatest Show on Turf” would have a hard time making it on Public Access at 2 a.m. these days.” Hence the blackouts. No one said Jacksonville fans were stupid.

Reamer: “How can a team lose 41-0 one week and the next is 10.5 point favorites? Oh its St. Louis.” Welcome to the Kyle Boller show.

Brian: “If Luke had a season-ending Not Going To Watch And I Have Sunday Ticket award show, week 6 would probably take the cake for the best spread. This week is terrible, and this might be the worst of the bunch.” It’s certainly not a pretty week by any stretch of the imagination.

KANSAS CITY @ WASHINGTON (-6.5)

Neither of these teams are any good, and when that is the case, take the points and run. In a related note, this is the Not Going To Watch And I Have Sunday Ticket Pick Of The Week.

My Pick: KC (+6.5)

Lay: “Fantasy play of the week: Picking up Matt Cassel and dropping DA. I could've started Jamie Reamer at QB and gotten more points than DA would've given me.” QOTW contender. Wonder if Reamer will have a response next week?

Barnes: “These teams are as worthless as punch card park. In fact, watching these teams play on a field with random holes may actually make it entertaining.” Until today, I had no idea what that park was named. I still don’t know what those holes are for. (That’s what she said.)

Fiz: “Washington is to bad teams what beer is to ugly people.” Washington is to football what RuPaul is to women.

Reamer: “I just threw up in my mouth thinking about this game.” That appears to be the general consensus.

Brian: “The Redskins want the front office to endorse Jim Zorn? Are the Redskins so bad that they don't realize they're bad? It wouldn't surprise me.” Something about being too close to the forest to see any of the trees? I don’t know … my Philosophy class was at nine in the morning.

HOUSTON @ CINCINNATI (-5.5)

Still not sold on the Bengals, so I'm going to have to back the Texans. Just keep it close please.

My Pick: HOU (+5.5)

Barnes: “If Carson Palmer can lead the Bengals to a Super Bowl, Palmerfest may reach new heights. Though I’m not sure how you top a huge ass bonfire in the middle of the street.” How about three huge ass bonfires in the middle of the street?

L.Po: “We're heading into the 4-1 Bengals house Sunday and they are likely one of the best teams in the NFL so far. However, I feel I know my team well following them as closely as I do. I'm guaranteeing we go into Cincy and knock them off this week, and hopefully its the start of our winning streak that propels us into the playoffs at last. We're two yards away from being a 4-1 team, and it will show this weekend. Mark it down.” You heard it here first.

BALTIMORE @ MINNESOTA (-3.5)

The Vikings are going to have to lose a game here eventually ... right?

My Pick: BAL (+3.5)

Barnes: “If Ray Lewis went to OU, you would probably find him at the Crystal. That’s where all the douche bags are. And no, he wouldn’t drink with them … he’d stab one.” Barnes looking for his 2nd QOTW win. Something tells me we might have a repeat winner for the first time all year this week.

Brian: “I think Adrian Peterson is the best player in the NFL. Think about the other leagues. The "best" player gets so much coverage. Pujols/A-Rod, LeBron/Kobe, Ovechkin/Crosby. Have we really heard that much about AP this year? That's the power of Brett Favre.” Amen.

DETROIT @ GREEN BAY (-13.5)

If the Packers can't beat Detroit by two touchdowns at home without Calvin Johnson playing, then I am going to write them off the rest of the year. Don't do it to me Green Bay. At least not yet.

My Pick: GB (-13.5)

Lay: “A Detroit team with no Johnson. Gonna be hard for them to punch it in the pink end zone. And the only reason that the end zone is pink is because it's breast cancer awareness month so get your head out of the gutter.” Somewhere Alex Lucius can not stop laughing.

Brian: “One time in intramural football, the opponent's QB ran for a touchdown and did the Culpepper Dance (which, in case you were wondering, sucks). On the next play, he slipped and sprained his ankle. I wish I would've seen the foreshadowing. I wish I would've paid more attention in English class.” QOTW nominee for Brian.

Barnes: “The Detroit defense has as many holes in it as McHappy’s has in their donuts. And like McHappy’s, Green Bay will be open all the time.” God I miss that place.

CLEVELAND @ PITTSBURGH (-14.5)

As much as I would like it to happen ... it's just not very likely. Curtis Kummerer would say, "it's possible, but not probable."

My Pick: PIT (-14.5)

Barnes: “Browns fans are going to need about five Red Brick mega mugs to watch this one. And that’s just for the first half.” That’s the most they are going to want to remember as well.

Lay: “No rhyme or reason to this pick, just going with the gut on this one. This would be a good time to let you guys know that I'm dumping all of my children's college savings into the creation of a UFO-esque hot air balloon when they turn 6, putting them in, and setting them free. Also a gut feeling.” Yes, these are my friends.

Brian: “The Browns last beat the Steelers in 2003. Back then, Ohio State won big games, the Raiders were almost Super, George Bush was respected, and Nintendo Gamecube was a "technological advancement." But remember our slogan from last year...THE NAME ON THE DOOR IS CLEVELAND!” Back in 2003 I was a Senior in high school and was using that leverage to get the a cute Junior girl to my house. Both Tim Couch (who smoked Pittsburgh on Sunday night in 2003) and myself thought we were on to the start of something good. I’ve rebounded nicely, but as for Timmy? No dice.

Fiz: “Only in Cleveland can a quarterback win the starting job by throwing three interceptions in a half, and keep the job after completing two passes in a game.” Just trade Brady so I can move on … please!

Hunt: “Did anyone actually think Troy Long Hair was going to play in a game before the one against the Browns??” We all knew this would be his first week back as soon as he was injured.

CAROLINA (-3.5) @ TAMPA BAY

Frankie's Boner Pick Of The Week: CAR (-3.5)

Barnes: “Combined these teams are 1-8. I’d rather lick the elevator in Riverpark Towers than watch this game.” I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. Okay, maybe Brett Favre, Alex Rodriguez, Ray Lewis and Kevin Garnett. But after those four, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Okay maybe Rush Limbaugh.

Lay: “What needs to happen is John Fox and Raheem Morris need to sit on real, actual, hot seats. The temperature will gradually increase until one of them hops off. Whoever stays on the hot seat longer gets to keep their job. Whoever gets off first is immediately terminated. This would only last about five minutes and would be far more entertaining than the actual game.” Romeo Crennel would be the king of this game because he has so much padding. I believe they call it a badunkadunk. Or something of that nature.

Smitty: “Hey, there is some god awful football on this weekend. Thank God college is good this week. Carolina is favored again - Really?” Welcome to the NFL.

Brian: “Seriously, the economy sucks. Why bother robbing your fans, Buccaneers. But their nickname is fitting. How about the Cleveland Basement-Dwellers. Or the New York Sanchises. And my personal favorite...the Cincinnati Gus-Johnson-should-call-all-their-games'es.” I wanna play. The Baltimore Murderers.

NEW YORK GIANTS @ NEW ORLEANS (-3.5)

Are you telling me that I get to pick the Giants AND I get three-and-a-half points? Just tell me where to sign.

My Pick: NYG (+3.5)

Barnes: “Taco Tuesday kind of game. Two unbeaten teams. Two MVP candidates at QB. Hmm, kind of hungry for taco’s now. Or maybe just a churro.” Spoken like Bart Borer. But only if you replace ‘A’ churro with 15.

Smitty: “It's Time for the Brandin Bursa Shockrocker Pick of the week- Bursa says Giants, I must say this goes against my feeling to take Drew Brees to cover everything everywhere even if it isn't football related, annnd they're in the Superdome which is a huge advantage; but it's Bursa's Pick.” Don’t know how Smitty is keeping this up, but boy do I love it.

Brian: “Don't get me wrong. I love the NFL. But this is a game I wish had college football ramifications. Yes, it's important, but both teams can afford to lose. And don't give me the "home-field advantage" stuff. The Giants won three straight road games to win the Super Bowl, and then, with a better team, they lost at home in the first round last year. This game should be fun, but it's not necessary.” So very true, and an angle that’s not nearly covered enough.

Hunt: “Did you get an e-mail from the Helen Keller Society after last week's quote??” No, I did not. Mainly because they can’t see or hear.

ARIZONA @ SEATTLE (-2.5)

Seattle at home with a healthy Hasselbeck is actually a decent team.

My Pick: SEA (-2.5)

Brian: “Another week of the F'd Up Pick. And it comes in the NFC West, the most boring thing since Browns-Bills last week! Works for me. Let's do it. Road team rolls first.

Roll #1: Home field advantage rears its ugly head on roll 1. A 4 for the Cardinals, and then an 11 by the Seahawks. 11-4 SEA.
Roll #2: Seattle is off to a ridiculously hot start. For the first time in this pick's history, back to back 11's. Only an 8 for 'Zona. 22-12 SEA.
Roll #3: Finally the Seahawks slow down a bit, but they still win their third straight roll 6-5. 28-17 SEA.
Roll #4: My goodness. Is this thing over at the half? An 8-5 round win for Seattle. 36-22 SEA.
Roll #5: A bit of a moral victory heading to the locker room for the Cardinals. They won a round, but only by 1. 8-7 in the round. Halftime, and it's 43-30 SEA.
Roll #6: Well, a boring match-up deserves a boring roll I guess. 9-8 win for SEA in the round. Now the score is 52-38. Not even Gus Johnson could save this one.
Roll #7: A pair of 7's, as Jim Mora is thinking about bringing in the reserves. 59-45 SEA.
Roll #8: 6-4 in the round in favor of ARI (Seattle had snake-eyes with a 2 on the and-one, for those of you...coughcoughcoughLUKEcoughcoughcough). 63-51 SEA.
Roll #9: WAIT A MINUTE! DOUBLE 6's for ARI. The and-one....only a 2, but still a solid 14. Seattle can only muster a 7. Still a 70-65 lead for SEA, but it's interesting.
Roll #10: And the Seahawks were a little mad. Arizona only got a 5, and the Seahawks countered with an 11. The final is 81-70 SEA, so pick is Seattle -2.5.” Really thought Kurt Warner was going to rally the troops there at the end, but just like Notre Dame, they came up five yards short.

Barnes: “Starting to think for both QB’s just playing is like walking up Jeff Hill. It leaves you out of breath and just glad to have finished.” Raced up that hill just once in my life. Will never do it again. No matter how drunk I may or may not be.

PHILADELPHIA (-13.5) @ OAKLAND

The worst pick I ever made in the history of this ATS was last week taking the Raiders to cover against the Giants. Fool me once ...

My Pick: PHI (-13.5)

Hunt: “Ballbuster Pick of the Week: Sarah picked the 10th game and I'm taking the dog in that game. What do you think Al Davis's parents were like??” Obviously Kevin has never seen The Munsters.

Barnes: “Did you know the Ridges used to be an insane asylum? Yeah, it housed all those Raiders fans who thought Al Davis was a great owner.” Did you know it’s where they used to film The Munsters?

Reamer: “How was Rush Limbaugh was vetoed out of a group bidding to buy the Rams, shouldn't we make owning a professional team have 'Survivor' rules where at the end of every year the owners vote another owner out of the league? Not only would this force owners to care (Mr. Lerner) or to not suck (Mr. Davis), but what if we had a secret alliance against, say, Robert Kraft or Dan Rooney!!! Imagine the possibilities…” I absolutely love this idea mainly because it would give the Browns hope at the end of the year.

Lay: “Terrelle Pryor makes JaMarcus Russell look like Steve DeBerg. I have no idea what I mean by that, but I'm watching the OSU game right now and Pryor is wretched.” Lay frantically hunting for his 2nd QOTW winner.

Brian: “According to Wikipedia, a black hole is region of space in which the gravitational field is so powerful that nothing, not even light, can escape. That's about right, Oakland.” Second QOTW contender for Brian, solely for using ‘according to wikipedia’ as an intro.

BUFFALO @ NEW YORK JETS (-10.5)

The Bills are going nowhere. The Jets desperately need to win a game at home. Division rivalry be damned.

My Pick: NYJ (-10.5)

Barnes: “Right now, both teams are trying to walk up a Baker Center escalator going down. In other words, going the wrong direction.” Wait, that analogy makes it sound like they are standing still, or walking in place? Did I miss something?

TENNESSEE @ NEW ENGLAND (-9.5)

Eventually the Titans are going to win a game ... right?

My Pick: TEN (+9.5)

Lay: “I know you might think I'm beating a dead quarterback, er, horse, after all my McNair comments, but I really think the Titans need to make a McNair voodoo doll and have a public burning. TAKE OFF THE DECAL!” Reminds me of the Ron White joke … TAKE OFF THE HAT!

Barnes: “The Titans approached this season like a Pizza Hut Buffet. Thought it would be nice and easy but after each game, they just feel awful.” Spoken like a true PHLB veteran.

CHICAGO @ ATLANTA (-3.5)

The Falcons looked great coming off the bye last week against the 49ers. Now it's Chicago's turn.

My Pick: CHI (+3.5)

Barnes: “A great Sunday Night match-up. Only thing that would make this better would be watching it with a biscuit gravy combo from Union Street Diner.” Pancakes and eggs for the KOA.

DENVER @ SAN DIEGO (-4.5)

I still don't like Denver.

My Pick: SD (-4.5)

Barnes: “Broncos are playing like $3.50 Chinese. By looks alone you don’t think it’ll be good, but it hit’s the spot every time.” All in all a solid week for Barnes, but I thought he might throw in a professor reference, or a specific memory. Still though, he did OU proud. No surprise, he is Their Promise.

Smitty: “I do not think I have picked denver yet this year so there is nothing that is more certain to guarantee them a loss than me picking them.” Sounds like me and Green Bay from two years ago.

Fiz: “Taking Norv Turner to cover is betting suicide.” Agreed.

Po’s Knowledge Dropping - Vol. II - Num. V

Week Five In Review

By: Ryan Polito

Before I start most/least dominant, I must provide the update I promised. In a hard fought battle Poland fell to Steubenville 24-13. Too many red zone turnovers for the Bulldogs, but a playoff re-match could be in the future.

MOST DOMINANT- Bill Wakefield

After just five weeks of picking, Mr. Wakefield has garnered a record of 51-25 in this league. He has also opened up a 5-game lead on his next closest competitor. To get an idea of how sick that is, the difference between 2nd and 17th place is also 5 games. So congrats on your phenomenal picking thus far, Bill. I am writing you on most dominant in hopes of jinxing you for the rest of the year. You're Welcome.

LEAST DOMINANT- Steelers/Browns rivalry

What has become of this rivalry? I used to most look forward to Steelers-Browns week more than any week on the schedule. Now it has become nothing more than a scrimmage for the Steelers. With my Dad being a huge Browns fan we used to always look forward to the bragging rights the game would give each of us. Now it has become nothing more than a walkover.

The last QB to beat the Steelers was Tim Couch. Now he is nothing more than a bust. Sure there has been one or two close games in the last six years, but now the game is nothing more than a joke. I actually root for the Browns to be decent, so at least I can rub it in my friends faces a little bit when the Steelers win. But now, I can do nothing more than just laugh and look forward to our next game.

*** If the Browns do pull off the upset, I will eat crow and put myself on least dominant next week. But then again, Al Davis has a better chance of holding the Lombardi Trophy than the Browns do of beating the Steelers.***

That will do it for the week six column. Hope everyone had a fun Homecoming weekend.

Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."

2009 NFL ATS Pick 'Em: Week Five QOTW ... And More

By: Luke Florence

Had there been a week five column, the song would have been the following.

Mainly because the New York Giants and New York Jets had just one loss entering week five, but also due to the added bonus of Braylon Edwards finally leaving Cleveland for ... New York.

Had there been a week five column, the following would have been the special picks of the weeks.

Luke Florence's Not Going To Watch And I Have Sunday Ticket: MIN (-10.5)
Anthony Tynan's That Line Is Too Good To Be True: WAS (+3.5)
Brian Boesch's F'd Up Pick Of The Week: PIT (-10.5)
Kevin Hunt's Ballbuster Pick Of The Week: WAS (+3.5)
Jamie Reamer's Romeo Crennel Coin Flip Of The Week: DEN (+3.5)
Jessica Corey's Frankie's Boner Of The Week: ARI (-5.5)
Erik Smith's Brandin Bursa's Shockrocker Pick Of The Week: ARI (-5.5)
Shane Kline's Shane's Slick Pick Of The Week: PIT (-10.5)

Okay, now to the recap part. Each week I present to you the top ten quotes of the week. Since there was not a week five column I thought the best way to do the QOTW would be to give you a top 40 QOTW ... Casey Kasem style.

Only the top ten will be awarded Bill Walton points, but at the very least, you can get a sense of everyone's comments.

Before Sunday, there will be a standings column as we are approximately 1/3 of the way through the season. Stay tuned.

TOP 40 WEEK FIVE QUOTES

40-tie) “I'll get in on it too...Romo is Homo.” - Jamie Reamer.

40-tie) “Dallas is not good … Kansas City also bad … Romo is homo.” - Nick Lay.

40-tie) “I think I'm supposed to make a Romo is homo reference here? I believe that is a league trend I've picked up on. and apparently it needs to be in the form of a haiku. But I never paid attention in the classes where we learned about haiku's so, Romo is homo Dallas covers-o if that’s no good, too bad.” - Erik Smith.

39) “At least we can now officially settle the Quinn/Russell debate. The answer? Calvin freakin' Johnson.” - Devin Frank.

38) “Rex Ryan well on his way down the road to Accomplishmentville.” - Kevin Hunt.

37) “BRETT FAVRE. BRETT FAVRE. BRETT FAVRE. BRETT FAVRE. I've just been hired as a contributor for ESPN.com. BRETT FAVRE. BRETT FAVRE. BRETT FAVRE.” - Brian Boesch.

36) “Just think if the Browns came back one year earlier.” - Devin Frank.

35) “I would like to know how often it is that an 0-4 team is favored. I mean this has to be some sort of a rarity. How bad is Washington I mean holy crap that is just embarrassing. It's like when the drunken jealous ex-bf gets a hold of the microphone at a wedding and everyone is just waiting for the guy to make an ass of himself. It's definitely awkward and you're just waiting for it to get ugly, and if anyone can be the drunken idiot that makes things ugly, Its Dan Snyder.” - Erik Smith.

34) “Addition by Subtraction should make the Browns better by dropping Braylon Edwards (haha, get it?). And on a side note, how much would we all pay to see LeBron fight Braylon (or LeBron replace Braylon Edwards-Scissorhands as WR)? Let's start a petition.” - Jamie Reamer.

33) “Couldn't be happier about watching Braylon Edwards on MNF in a Jets uniform. It's good that his slogan isn't "kiss the baby" because there would be a lot of dead babies around after he drops them on their head.” - Nick Lay.

32) “New York was the perfect place for Braylon Edwards to land. Who is the Knicks' highest paid player and therefore most likely to have friends for Braylon to fight? Former Cavs fail Larry Hughes.” - Jeff Schaffer.

31) “So, sources tell Sal Paolantonio that the Eagles and Andy Reid are discussing a long-term deal. First off, it seems like fans switch sides on their feelings about Reid more than any coach in sports. Secondly, and more importantly, good for Sal Pal. I think it's the first story not broken by ESPN's Adam Schefter since he went to ESPN. Seriously, this guy's Twitter is ESPN's NFL page summarized in 140 characters or less. He's the Tiger Woods of reporting.” - Brian Boesch.

30) “‘Berried Treasure’ - You would think a team named after Pirates would be able to find theirs. It wasn't Byron Leftwich. Probably not Josh Johnson either. Maybe Jimmy Clausen?” - Matt Barnes (Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream Flavors Theme).

29) “Brett Favre is like ESPN's Dave and Busters card. They just keep passing him out and people keep coming back to spend the dollars thus creating a self sustaining economy. Mack and Dennis would be proud.” - Erik Smith.

28) “No. 1 reason why Michael Crabtree will be a bust: he has MC Hammer as a business associate. I would trust Hammer with my money as much as I would trust myself in a room with drunk, married women, or as much as I would trust Polito to write a good column.” - Jason Fazzone.

27) “I'm convinced that the Eagles' entire offensive depth chart would start for the Bucs. I've legitimately never heard of Josh Johnson.” - Jeff Schaffer.

26) “I feel like Crabtree and Singletary will turn into Dwight and Michael from The Office after Michael finds out Dwight went behind Michael's back to try and get his job. Months and months of doing laundry for Crabtree, which includes Singletary's lacy panties.” - Nick Lay.

25) “‘Cherry Garcia’ - It's Hispanic Heritage Month and I figured the last name Garcia is most prevelant in these two NFL cities [Hou + Ari]. Vamos!” - Matt Barnes.

24) “My girlfriend (Bengals fan) forced me to go to the game last week roughly 4 hours before kickoff. Even though I got piss drunk, the Bengals still weren't attractive when seen through my beer goggles. If I had woken up next to the Bengals Monday morning, I would have had to lift up the covers, pray that I had boxers on, and, if not, hope to God that there's a used condom in my trash can.” - Nick Lay.

23) “Ray Lewis called the officiating in last week’s loss to the Pats “embarrassing to the game.” Considering Ray knows a thing or two about embarrassing the game, I guess I’ll take his word for it.” - Jason Fazzone.

22) “Not gonna lie, I'm just going to reserve this space for another Barnes "Ray Lewis Killing a Guy" joke. Going against the Gus Johnson Game of the Week pick. Instantly regret Baltimore here. Somewhere Gus is shaking his head ... and screwing a chick.” - Kevin Hunt.

21) “So Rob Ryan comes out on Friday and says that the uprights were crooked? I'm glad we don't look at film until Friday. Our only chance to win might be when have 15 days before the MNF game against Baltimore. Too bad we play Baltimore.” - Brian Boesch.

20) “‘Neapolitan Dynamite’ - If Al Davis and the Raiders were blown up by dynamite, would anyone care? Didn't think so. Though knowing Al Davis, he'd just resurface like Wile E. Coyote to torment us all with his stupidity.” - Matt Barnes.

19) “Is it possible for the Jags to have their road games blacked out too?” - Jason Fazzone.

18) “In Bill Walton voice: Has there ever been a defensive tackle better than Jeff Zgonina?!” - Kevin Hunt.

17) “Kurt Warner's time has come. Last year was fun, don't get me wrong. Just not seeing it this season. I think it's because his wife actually looks like a woman know, so he's lost a lot of his toughness, meaning that he has to fight his own physical battles instead of her.” - Nick Lay.

16) “I have nothing against Kurt Warner, but does anyone else find it really irritating that he wears gloves on both hands? Maybe it dates back to his grocery-stocking days I've heard way too much about.” - Jeff Schaffer.

15) “‘Magic Brownies’ - When will Cincy’s magic disappear? Probably faster then when police arrest Ray Lewis for stabbing someone.” - Matt Barnes.

14) “I’m glad the cheesers didn’t bring in Junior Seau this week. I have John Randle in my ‘Which 40-and-up player do the Patriots bring in next?’ pool.” - Jason Fazzone.

13) “When Kyle Orton out-duels your quarterback, you've got problems.” - Jeff Schaffer.

12) “If you cannot protect the man you used your #1 pick on, why is he playing? Look at Tim Couch! Out of the league at 27, forced to use steroids. If he ever makes it back into the league (not going to happen) he's got 6 games to sit out for his suspension. Who knows, in 2019, Matthew Stafford could be starting for the Las Vegas Locomotives, since the UFL will definitely last that long.” - Nick Lay.

11) “Proof that the Bucs have fallen hard: former safety and Super Bowl XXXVII MVP Dexter Jackson made his 2009 debut this weekend – in the UFL.” - Jason Fazzone.

10-tie) “My McNabb's back and your Bucs are in trouble. Hey now, hey now, my McNabb's back!” - Kevin Hunt.

10-tie) “It just dawned on me that Maurice Jones-Drew clearly should be my favorite player in the NFL, they said he was too small, he said F-U...plus I respect a man with fantastic thighs.” - Shane Kline.

9) “I really hope Eli doesn’t play in this game because I want to see David Carr go up against JaMarcus Russell. Ever see $114 million get flushed down the toilet? Here’s your chance!” - Jason Fazzone.

8) “The Browns got the wrong Belichick assistant. They got the wrong Ryan brother. Can't wait until they probably get the wrong Big XII QB in the 2010 draft. You know it's coming.” - Brian Boesch.

7) “Wasn't aware that Steve Smith went Rae Carruth and is hiding in a trunk somewhere. Even if this isn't the case, his statistics would back up my claim.” - Nick Lay.

6) “Despite having a bye last week, the Panthers are worse than ever in my mind.” - Jeff Schaffer.

5) “I feel like the Browns are going to go Jon Lester on the rest of this season since they've completed chemo and have kicked cancer.” - Nick Lay.

4) “‘Everything But The …’ - The Lions are gonna hafta do just about everything right and even then, it won't be enough. Wow, kind of sounds like Kevin Hunt.” - Matt Barnes.

3) “Too bad Braylon Edwards didn't get traded to the Bills, then they'd have three receivers for Trent Edwards to not get the ball to.” - Jeff Schaffer.

2) “I'm countering Eli's injury with McFadden's injury. Except for the fact that McFadden's injury wasn't self-caused. Watching Eli's injury must be similar to what Annie Sullivan had to endure all the times Helen Keller couldn't understand what "water" meant.” - Kevin Hunt.

1) “Braylon Edwards created the blueprint on how to get out of Cleveland: take out someone in LeBron’s posse. Can’t wait to hear about Grady Sizemore kicking Maverick Carter (Bron’s agent) in the balls outside a Cleveland nightclub, then doing a Tiger Woods fist-pump in celebration.” - Jason Fazzone.

So there you go. Hope you enjoyed it and shared a few laughs. Remember, be on the look-out for a standings column before our week six column. Congratulations to Jason Fazzone for winning the Week Five Quote Of The Week. Fiz is the fifth different league member to take home the weekly award.

I will leave you with a semi-rant by one of our league members, Jamie Reamer. It describes perfectly my sentiments for Braylon Edwards.

"Braylon gets his chance to be the diva he's always wanted. He's been trying for years to get out of Cleveland: running sprints in socks, claiming Browns fans don't like him because he went to Michigan (grow up, your in the NFL) just to name a few instances. Not even leading the league in drops could do it; it took him to sucker punch the Cleveland Mayor (possibly Ohio Governor) Bron Bron's friend in the face before he was finally kicked out of town. Good, peace out you stone-handed piece of crap, you thought Cleveland was tough, have fun with the New York media when (not if) you drop a few balls.”

Amen.

Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."

2009 NFL ATS Pick 'Em: Week Five Special Sections

By: Luke Florence

Week five saw three new special sections as Bart Borer, Ryan Polito and Jason Fazzone all contributed new material. As you will soon read, Bart might be emerging himself as the fan-favorite for the special section award. It's a must-read. Even if you've never met him.

As for Polito and Fazzone, well the feud is squarely on. They both make compelling arguments and it will be interesting to see how it plays out the next couple of weeks.

Enjoy.

Bart's Thoughts That Matter - Vol. III - Num. II

By: Bart Borer

Since the last time we talked I had a very interesting visit to Sin City. As I had a very bad head cold when I arrived in Vegas, my visit came in like a lamb. My first two nights were rather tame and included activities such as blowing my nose about a million times, trying to get my ears to pressurize correctly, taking ample amounts of Sudafed, Benadryl, Ludens, and Halls cough drops, and taking long bubble baths (stop laughing, I’m actually serious about that). I also did a lot of walking which led to a lot of chafing which was about as much fun as getting punched in the balls – really not all that fun.

This is where the “in like a lamb” ended.

I had finally kicked my cold and I was starting to feel a little better. On Wednesday after I finished my “work” for the day, I was planning my night and I knew the only thing I had to do was get on my plane that was leaving at 10:40 am the next morning. That pretty much left my night wide open.

Since I was in Sin City I figured I may as well visit one, or two, or as many as possible of the many gentlemen’s establishments. It should be pretty evident that I wanted some boobies in and around my face area. I also thought since Vegas has some of the best bars/clubs in the whole world, I would check a few of those out as well. So in preparation for my big night, I decided to go to happy hour that was located in the bar in my hotel – “The C Bar” at the Stratosphere.

This is where things took a turn for the worse.

The Happy Hour special at “The C Bar” was right in line with everything else in the Capitol City of Self-Indulgence. It included all-you-can-drink Draft Beer, Martinis, and Margaritas for $19.99. I was in heaven. The deal lasted from 4-8 pm and it was already 6 pm, so I had some catching up to do to make it worth my while, but I was up to the challenge.

When I ordered my first Margarita the bartender casually pointed out that if I drank five Margaritas, it would make the deal more than worth it. He had obviously never seen me drink. He did not know this, but when I sat down, I had fully intended on drinking 20 Margaritas.

Well when 8 pm rolled around, my time was up. I had only finished 15 of those rascally drinks. Now that I was good and buzzed, or so I thought, I wanted to go grab some dinner and get on with my big night on the town. This is where my memory gets a little fuzzy.

After my bartender poured my #16, I took the drink and started walking toward the buffet located in the other end of the casino. Well, not to end the story suddenly, but next thing that I remember is waking up, in my room, laying the wrong way in the bed, at 9 am, ass naked.

That was an odd feeling to say the least.

So in my infinite morning wisdom, my first thought was to try to figure out what time my flight was, because apparently 16 Margaritas makes you forget things like that. So I fired up my laptop and went to the table that was in the room as you first walk in the door.

I didn’t think that the cleaning lady came at 9 am and I don’t think she estimated that there would be a 350 pound naked man sitting at the table when she came to my room. Well we were both wrong and it led to a medium amount of awkwardness for both of us.

Except for missing my original flight to go home, the rest of the trip went as planned and now that it is three days later, I am not hungover anymore. That’s all.

Until next time: Peace. Love. Strippers.

Po's Knowledge Dropping - Vol. II - Num. IV

Week 4 in Review

By: Ryan Polito

MOST DOMINANT- POLAND SEMINARY BULLDOGS FOOTBALL TEAM

Expectations for my former High School's football team have been low ever since the departure of long-time head coach Paul Hulea. The team was taken over by former Youngstown State QB, and fellow Steelers fan, Mark Brungard.

Everyone criticized Brungard for being too conservative and not being able to win big games. However, last season Brungard got the Bulldogs to the playoffs before being knocked out in the 2nd round. A great season, but nothing compared to the way the 2009 campaign has started.

The Bulldogs entered Friday nights game an impressive 6-0 and ready to go up against the also undefeated (6-0) Howland Tigers. Not only did Poland win, they shutout the high powered Tigers 17-0.

Poland is now ranked # 2 in the entire state for Div. II, just behind their rival city, # 1 Cardinal Mooney.

This sets up one of the biggest games in the history of Poland football next Friday night. The Bulldogs (7-0) will march down to Steubenville, Ohio to face the Steubenville Big Red. Not only is Steubenville 7-0, but they also hold a 65-game winning streak at home, and are 84-4 since 2002 with state titles galore.

Poland Bulldogs (7-0) vs Steubenville Big Red (7-0)- Friday Night; I’ll have an update next week, but I fear Poland getting crushed.

LEAST DOMINANT- ‘LOST’ RELATED JOKES FROM 'IN THE ZONE'

Last week, In The Zone made a point to make fun of me for mentioning LOST in my section. Obviously he has no idea the power of that TV show, but thats beside the point here. The fact that the majority of this group loves LOST is the reason I always bring it up; people see 'LOST'
and they want to read what I have to say.

This is quite the opposite to what In The Zone is doing. Every week he thinks its smart to break down every Steelers game. The fact that I am the only other Steelers fan in this group should tell you how many people actually read your section.

So here’s a question I think Luke Florence needs to ask himself before he puts In The Zone at #1 again on the special sections standings ... How many people in this group (full of NON-Steelers fans) are actually reading a five paragraph essay breaking down the Steelers every single week???

Thank you and goodbye until next week.

IN THE ZONE - Vol. I - Num VI

…WHERE WE ARE TAKING OVER DETROIT SUNDAY

By: Jason Fazzone

To Ryan Polito: So do the Least Dominant awards actually exist in paper or trophy form? I need something to put up next to my Special Sections championship award in January.

Now that that’s over, let’s get to the Polito of the Week. This week’s award goes to whoever the hell gave Barack Obama the Nobel Peace Prize. Obama has done the following to promote peace around the world ……

Pretty long list, if I do say so myself – worthy of receiving such a prestigious honor.

Anyway, onto the Steelers. I’m not eating crow yet after Rashard Mendenhall’s monster game against the Chargers Sunday night – the Chargers’ defense has been poor against the run, Jamal Williams was out and Shawne Merriman was less than 100 percent.

Not to take away from Mendenhall – he looked much more determined when he touched the football, losing the tentativeness that he displayed in his first couple games this year. Mike Tomlin may have finally awoken a sleeping giant, but we won’t know for sure until the Vikings game later this month. That will be Mendenhall’s first true test.

While I’m still on the running game, the signing of Carey Davis may have been the biggest signing of the season for the Steelers. Davis, who was cut at the end of preseason, is the fullback the Steelers desperately need in the running game. Pittsburgh struggled mightily running out of single-back sets. Using Davis and even backup lineman Doug “Bronko” Legursky as a lead blocker should improve the Steelers’ running game going forward. It’s definitely something to monitor as the season progresses.

Something else to monitor is the defense, which has been terrible in the fourth quarter this season. They played like the game was in the bag last week and almost paid dearly for it. Someone, whether it be Tomlin, or Dick LeBeau, or one of the veterans, needs to step up and light a fire under these guys for 60 minutes. I don’t expect the situation to get any better in the next couple weeks with games against the Lions and Browns coming up.

Detroit is this week’s opponent, and yours truly is making the trek to Ford Field (and checking out Greektown before the game). The past two times the Steelers have played a game in Detroit were Super Bowl XL and the Thanksgiving Day coin-toss debacle; this game will not be as interesting.

Lions coach Jim Schwartz won’t say who will be starting under center, but it really doesn’t matter. It could be Matthew Stafford, Daunte Culpepper, hell, even Scott Mitchell, but I expect this game to be over after three quarters. Will it get close again in the fourth? God, I hope not.

Yes, this week’s column is shorter than usual, but it’s Detroit Week. I probably won’t even have to do one for Cleveland Week. There will be a full Detroit trip report next week.

Until next time, go Steelers!
_______________________________________________________________
Sorry for the delay in getting these sections out there, but better late than never.

Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."

2009 NFL ATS Pick 'Em: Week Five Standings

By: Luke Florence

Again, apologies for the absent column this week. I'm in the process of putting together a week five recap column with everyone's special sections, comments, etc. Look for this late Wednesday night.

Here are our standings after five weeks. As always, please double-check your records and let me know of any wrong-doings. Thanks.

2009 NFL ATS PICK 'EM: WEEK FIVE STANDINGS (week five record in parentheses)

1) Billy Wakefield 51-25 (10-4)
2) Nick Lay 46-30 (9-5)
3) Justin Whelan 45-31 (7-7)
3) Jeff Normand 45-31 (9-5)
3) Chris Rapking 45-31 (9-5)
6) Anthony Tynan 44-32 (7-7)
6) Jeff Schaffer 44-32 (8-6)
8) Jamie Reamer 43-33 (6-8)
8) Luke Polito 43-33 (7-7)
8) Ryan Polito 43-33 (8-6)
8) Luke Florence 43-33 (8-6)
8) Chris Woodard 43-33 (8-6)
8) Erik Smith 43-33 (8-6)
8) Jason Fazzone 43-33 (9-5)
15) Jake Young 42-34 (9-5)
15) Matt Barnes 42-34 (9-5)
17) Shane Kline 41-35 (6-8)
18) Andrew Braverman 40-36 (8-6)
18) Eric Hug 40-36 (9-5)
20) Kevin Hunt 39-37 (7-7)
21) Josh Florence 38-38 (9-5)
22) Brian Boesch 37-39 (6-8)
23) He Who Shall Not Be Named Because He Hath Not Paid 36-40 (5-9)
23) Andrew Reinhart 36-40 (8-6)
25) Bart Borer 33-43 (8-6)
26) Devin Frank 32-44 (8-6)

Award standings will be updated tomorrow, and be on the look out for the recap post in lieu of a week five column. Giddy up.

Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."

2009 NFL ATS Pick 'Em: Week Five PICKS

By: Luke Florence

Apologies for not having a column out right now. Due to some birthday celebrations for us here at KOA, we will post the week five column late tonight/early tomorrow. Thanks for understanding. Here are our picks for week five. Best of luck.

Billy: CIN, PHI, CLE, PIT, WAS, DAL, NYG, MIN, SF, ARI, DEN, SEA, IND, NYJ

Justin: CIN, PHI, CLE, PIT, WAS, DAL, OAK, STL, SF, HOU, DEN, SEA, TEN, MIA

Tynan: CIN, TB, BUF, PIT, WAS, DAL, OAK, MIN, ATL, HOU, DEN, SEA, IND, NYJ

Lay: BAL, PHI, CLE, PIT, CAR, KC, NYG, MIN, SF, HOU, DEN, SEA, IND, MIA

Reamer: BAL, PHI, CLE, PIT, CAR, DAL, NYG, MIN, SF, HOU, DEN, JAX, IND, NYJ

Jeff: CIN, PHI, CLE, PIT, WAS, KC, NYG, MIN, SF, HOU, DEN, JAX, IND, NYJ

Schaffer: BAL, PHI, BUF, PIT, WAS, KC, NYG, MIN, ATL, HOU, NE, JAX, IND, MIA

L.Po: BAL, PHI, CLE, PIT, CAR, DAL, NYG, MIN, ATL, HOU, NE, SEA, IND, NYJ

Rapking: CIN, PHI, CLE, DET, CAR, DAL, OAK, MIN, SF, ARI, NE, SEA, IND, MIA

Shane: BAL, PHI, BUF, PIT, CAR, DAL, NYG, MIN, SF, ARI, NE, JAX, IND, MIA

R.Po: CIN, PHI, BUF, PIT, CAR, KC, NYG, MIN, ATL, HOU, NE, SEA, TEN, MIA

Luke: BAL, PHI, CLE, PIT, CAR, KC, OAK, MIN, ATL, ARI, NE, SEA, IND, NYJ

Woody: CIN, PHI, CLE, PIT, CAR, KC, OAK, MIN, ATL, ARI, NE, SEA, TEN, NYJ

Smitty: CIN, PHI, CLE, PIT, CAR, DAL, NYG, MIN, SF, ARI, NE, JAX, IND, MIA

Fiz: CIN, PHI, CLE, PIT, CAR, KC, NYG, MIN, SF, ARI, NE, SEA, IND, NYJ

Jake: CIN, PHI, CLE, PIT, CAR, DAL, NYG, MIN, ATL, HOU, NE, SEA, IND, MIA

Barnes: CIN, PHI, BUF, PIT, CAR, KC, NYG, MIN, ATL, ARI, NE, SEA, IND, NYJ

Kevin: BAL, PHI, CLE, PIT, WAS, DAL, NYG, MIN, SF, HOU, NE, SEA, IND, NYJ

Taylor: CIN, TB, BUF, PIT, CAR, DAL, OAK, MIN, SF, ARI, NE, SEA, IND, NYJ

Brian: CIN, PHI, CLE, PIT, CAR, DAL, OAK, MIN, SF, HOU, NE, SEA, IND, NYJ

Hug: CIN, PHI, CLE, PIT, CAR, DAL, NYG, MIN, SF, ARI, NE, SEA, IND, MIA

Josh: CIN, TB, CLE, DET, WAS, KC, OAK, STL, ATL, HOU, DEN, SEA, TEN, MIA

Chewy: BAL, TB, BUF, PIT, WAS, KC, NYG, MIN, SF, ARI, DEN, JAX, IND, MIA

Bart: BAL, PHI, BUF, PIT, WAS, KC, NYG, MIN, ATL, HOU, NE, JAX, IND, MIA

Devin: BAL, PHI, BUF, DET, CAR, KC, NYG, MIN, ATL, ARI, NE, JAX, IND, NYJ

Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."

2009 NFL ATS Pick 'Em: Week Four QOTW

By: Luke Florence

The fourth week of the NFL proved to be the most difficult to pick winners and losers. It was also the most difficult thus far in picking the quotes of the week. Several over-qualified candidates, but only ten (or so) spots up for grabs.

Three weeks in and we have had three different QOTW winners. Will someone punch their second ticket to the Quote Of The Year banquet? Or will a fourth person keep the one-and done trend alive? Only one way to find out.

TOP TEN WEEK FOUR QUOTES

10-tie) "I guess this story points to me being an alcoholic more to Big Ben being a dick, but whatever. He's a rapist.” - Nick Lay.

10-tie) "There's so little talent in the city of Cleveland right now that reports say the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame plans on inducting Barry Manilow.” - Kevin Hunt.

9) “Bill Belichick is such a cheeser – he has Tom Brady, Fred Taylor, Randy Moss, Joey Galloway, Adalius Thomas AND Shawn Springs all on the same team?!? Wait, this isn’t Madden 03? My bad." - Jason Fazzone.

8) “These teams will come storming out the gates with energy like John Rocker. Now, there's a guy I wouldn't mind Ray Lewis stabbing.” - Matt Barnes.

7) “This one will be over quick, just like Juan Gonzalez's 2005 season.” - Matt Barnes.

6) “Rams linebacker David Vobora got busted for taking performance-enhancing drugs. At least someone’s trying in St. Louis.” - Jason Fazzone.

5) “I should have known The Big Ju would have a great game on the ground last week for the Seahawks, being the eve of Yom Kippur. My next question: How were banks open on Monday if Jews couldn't work? And while we're here, the only thing black people do is commit crime and shoot guns; white people can't dance and white men can't jump; those following Islam are terrorists; and Asians can't drive.” - Kevin Hunt.

4) “So that’s what it’s like to get beaten by Chris Brown – I feel your pain, Rihanna.” - Jason Fazzone.

3) “Only thing more difficult than watching this game would be eating pumpernickel bread served by Kevin Hunt.” - Anthony Tynan.

2) “Peyton Manning + Justin Timberlake + Erin Andrews = one helluva commercial. Or a naughty, naughty hotel porno. ‘Cut that meat! Cut that meat!’” - Nick Lay.

1) “With both Maurice Jones-Drew and Mike Sims-Walker, the Jags have a distinct advantage in amount of last names on a roster. How do YOU intimidate your opponents?” - Jeff Schaffer.

Four weeks, four different QOTW winners. Congratulations to Jeff Schaffer for coming through with the week four Quote Of The Week. Nick Lay came close, but ultimately fell just short. We will have to wait until week five to see if someone can claim their second QOTW honor.

Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."

2009 NFL ATS Pick 'Em: Week Four Standings

By: Luke Florence

It took four weeks but you just knew it was bound to happen. Away favorites were covering with ease and our league was reaping the benefits. Winning ten games the past three weeks wouldn't allow you make up ground, but rather maintain your position. That all changed in week four.

With only fourteen games to pick - two less than a regular week - logic would dictate it would be harder to lose ground. Logic would be wrong. Week four was absolutely brutal to some, and absolutely amazing for others.

Billy Wakefield went 8-6 to hold on to the league lead for the second consecutive week, so no changes at the very top. But, Justin Whelan went a week four best, 11-3, to vault himself into 2nd place, just three games behind Billy.

No surprise that Justin was the league's biggest gainer in week four, rising 11 places with his impressive 11-win week. Jamie Reamer had a good week as well, climbing ten spots from 13th a week ago, to 3rd. On the flip side, two members lost double-digit spots.

Andrew Braverman (3-11) - dropped from 6th to 18th (12 places)
Brian Boesch (3-11) - dropped from 9th to 20th (11 places)

Congrats to those who survived week four, and to those who fought back and gained some precious ground.

2009 NFL ATS PICK 'EM: WEEK FOUR STANDINGS (week four record in parentheses)

1) Billy Wakefield 41-21 (8-6)
2) Justin Whelan 38-24 (11-3)
3) Anthony Tynan 37-25 (7-7)
3) Nick Lay 37-25 (8-6)
3) Jamie Reamer 37-25 (10-4)
6) Jeff Normand 36-26 (7-7)
6) Jeff Schaffer 36-26 (9-5)
6) Luke Polito 36-26 (8-6)
6) Chris Rapking 36-26 (5-9)
10) Shane Kline 35-27 (5-9)
10) Ryan Polito 35-27 (7-7)
10) Luke Florence 35-27 (9-5)
10) Chris Woodard 35-27 (9-5)
10) Erik Smith 35-27 (5-9)
15) Jason Fazzone 34-28 (6-8)
16) Jake Young 33-29 (6-8)
16) Matt Barnes 33-29 (7-7)
18) Andrew Braverman 32-30 (3-11)
18) Kevin Hunt 32-30 (6-8)
20) Corey Taylor 31-31 (5-9)
20) Brian Boesch 31-31 (3-11)
20) Eric Hug 31-31 (6-8)
23) Josh Florence 29-33 (8-6)
24) Andrew Reinhart 28-34 (9-5)
25) Bart Borer 25-37 (7-7)
26) Devin Frank 24-38 (5-9)

Quotes of the week will be out later tonight, and week two spreads will be sent out ASAP. Please double-check your records and let me know of any discrepancy.

Happy Birthday to two league members. Chris "Woody" Woodard and Eric "Huggy Bear" Hug both are celebrating theirs today on October 6th, which just goes to show that the coolest people have their birthday in October. On behalf of the league, I hope both those guys have a great birthday.

Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."

2009 NFL ATS Pick 'Em: Week Four PICKS

By: Luke Florence

Here are our week four picks. Best of luck.

WEEK FOUR NFL ATS PICKS

Billy: TB, BAL, TEN, OAK, CIN, IND, NYG, CHI, MIA, NO, STL, DEN, SD, MIN

Rapking: TB, NE, TEN, OAK, CIN, IND, NYG, DET, BUF, NO, STL, DAL, SD, GB

Smitty: WAS, BAL, TEN, HOU, CIN, IND, NYG, DET, BUF, NO, SF, DAL, SD, GB

Tynan: TB, NE, JAX, OAK, CIN, IND, KC, DET, MIA, NO, STL, DEN, SD, GB

Shane: TB, BAL, TEN, HOU, CIN, SEA, NYG, DET, BUF, NO, STL, DEN, SD, GB

Lay: WAS, BAL, TEN, HOU, CIN, IND, NYG, CHI, BUF, NO, SF, DEN, SD, MIN

Braves: WAS, BAL, TEN, OAK, CIN, IND, NYG, DET, BUF, NYJ, STL, DAL, SD, MIN

Jeff: TB, NE, TEN, HOU, CIN, IND, NYG, DET, MIA, NYJ, STL, DAL, PIT, GB

R.Po: TB, NE, TEN, HOU, CIN, IND, KC, DET, MIA, NO, SF, DAL, SD, GB

Brian: TB, BAL, TEN, OAK, CIN, IND, KC, DET, BUF, NYJ, STL, DAL, PIT, GB

L.Po: WAS, BAL, TEN, HOU, CIN, IND, NYG, CHI, MIA, NYJ, STL, DEN, PIT, MIN

Fiz: WAS, BAL, TEN, HOU, CIN, IND, NYG, DET, BUF, NO, SF, DAL, SD, MIN

Jake: WAS, BAL, TEN, OAK, CIN, IND, NYG, CHI, MIA, NO, SF, DAL, SD, GB

Justin: TB, BAL, JAX, OAK, CLE, IND, NYG, CHI, MIA, NO, STL, DEN, PIT, MIN

Reamer: WAS, BAL, JAX, HOU, CLE, IND, NYG, DET, MIA, NO, SF, DAL, PIT, MIN

Schaffer: WAS, BAL, JAX, HOU, CIN, IND, NYG, CHI, MIA, NO, SF, DAL, SD, MIN

Luke: TB, NE, TEN, HOU, CLE, IND, NYG, DET, MIA, NO, SF, DAL, SD, GB

Kevin: WAS, NE, TEN, OAK, CIN, SEA, NYG, CHI, BUF, NO, STL, DEN, SD, MIN

Taylor: WAS, NE, TEN, OAK, CIN, IND, NYG, DET, MIA, NO, STL, DAL, SD, GB

Barnes: WAS, NE, TEN, HOU, CIN, IND, NYG, DET, BUF, NO, SF, DAL, SD, MIN

Woody: TB, NE, TEN, HOU, CIN, IND, NYG, DET, MIA, NYJ, SF, DEN, PIT, GB

Hug: WAS, NE, TEN, HOU, CIN, IND, KC, DET, BUF, NO, STL, DEN, PIT, GB

Josh: WAS, NE, JAX, OAK, CLE, IND, NYG, DET, BUF, NO, STL, DAL, PIT, MIN

Devin: WAS, NE, TEN, HOU, CIN, IND, KC, DET, BUF, NO, SF, DAL, SD, GB

Chewy: TB, NE, TEN, OAK, CIN, IND, NYG, CHI, BUF, NO, STL, DEN, PIT, MIN

Bart: WAS, NE, TEN, OAK, CLE, SEA, NYG, CHI, BUF, NYJ, SF, DEN, PIT, GB

Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."

2009 NFL ATS Pick 'Em: Week Four

By: Luke Florence

Trust is a tricky topic. It takes years to build and only seconds to destroy. A fickle beast indeed.

As picks are made week in and week out, the one question that continually comes to mind is, “Who do I trust MORE.” The ‘more’ is the most important word in that sentence, because three weeks in to this 2009 season, the number of teams you can trust can be counted on one hand. Same can be said about the number of teams you absolutely can not trust.

Week four is vital for this pick ‘em league. It’s the first week where bye weeks are present and there are less than 16 games to select. Less games means less of a chance to gain ground, and a bigger chance to lose it.

This week it’s simply a matter of trust.

Thank you Billy Joel.

TAMPA BAY @ WASHINGTON (-7.5)

Won’t Watch Even Though I Have Sunday Ticket Pick Of The Week.

My Pick: TB (+7.5)

Barnes: “This game reminds me of Joe Borowski. Awful. 'Nuff said.” Let's see if everyone can pick up on Matt Barnes Week Four Theme.

Lay: “Since the Eagles aren't playing this week and this game doesn't matter, I feel like this is a good time to let you know that Michael Vick told me he's the new spokesman for Kibbles 'n Bits. There will be a new brand coming out just for pit-bulls, aptly called Kibbles 'n Vick.” Nick Lay reacts to dropping a bit in the Gus Johnson standings with a strong week of comments.

Brian: “Gotta love the NFL. The Redskins snap Detroit's 19-game losing streak, and now they have to give over a TD the next week. Pretty soon, you will be able to get into a car accident and your insurance will go down, too.” Using this logic you will be able to kill a guy while drunk driving and only go to jail for a couple weeks. Oh wait.

Devin: “What a great year to draft #1 all the interesting QB choices. What’s that ... we drafted a QB last year? Never mind.” Poor Devin. At least he's in England where our Liverpool have won four in a row. Now they are in third place in the EPL. Giddy up.

Tynan: “Only thing more difficult than watching this game would be eating pumpernickel bread served by Kevin Hunt.” QOTW contender for Anthony Tynan.

BALTIMORE @ NEW ENGLAND (-2.5)

There is a longer track record of trust with the Patriots than there is with the Ravens. Winning by a field goal shouldn’t be a problem … if they win at all that is.

My Pick: NE (-2.5)

Barnes: “These teams will come storming out the gates with energy like John Rocker. Now, there's a guy I wouldn't mind Ray Lewis stabbing.” Could Barnes win back-to-back QOTW honors under the same Ray Lewis premise? Stay tuned.

Lay: “If Baltimore is a purebred golden retriever, the Browns are a cloned version that came out with three legs and a bald ass.” If Baltimore is a BMW, the Browns are The Beast.

Fiz: “Bill Belichick is such a cheeser – he has Tom Brady, Fred Taylor, Randy Moss, Joey Galloway, Adalius Thomas AND Shawn Springs all on the same team?!? Wait, this isn’t Madden 03? My bad.” QOTW possibility, which is the best thing to happen to Galloway in the last three years.

Hunt: “I think Wes Welker's ability to play in this game makes all the difference and not just because I have a man-crush on the guy. Baltimore had trouble with San Diego and probably would have lost that game had Norv Turner NOT been Norv Turner calling plays at the end.” Even in this god-awful economy, it amazes me that Norv Turner can continually get jobs and then keep them.

Hug: “Baltimore should find some "flash forward" jerseys to come out with in this game. They will need to predict the future to figure an improving Patriots team.” Speaking of FlashForward, even though Polito mentioned it last week, I must say that it has the potential to semi-fill the void LOST will leave one year from now.

TENNESSEE (-2.5) @ JACKSONVILLE

I’ve said multiple times that this league is more than just a collection of random guys. For instance, thanks to Sim Dynasty (a simulated baseball league), this group has their own baseball team. We are called the Cleveland ATS Killers. Check these links out to see how we are doing. Updates will be on the sidebar so you can follow yourself in action. (Sorry Luke Polito, they have a 25 man roster, and you were the odd-man out. But don’t worry, if a minor leaguer gets called up, you will take his place)

GAME ONE

GAME TWO

GAME THREE

Frankie’s Boner Pick Of The Week: TEN (-2.5)

Barnes: “These two teams are as hungry for this win as Bob Wickman is for a Vegas buffet. Actually, I don't think ANYTHING can compare to Bob Wickman's hunger.” Rex Ryan could give him a run for his money.

Lay: “I thought karma was a joke ... until the 2009 Tennessee Titans placed the Steve McNair decal on their helmets. Speaking of helmets, J'Ville is prepping it's 2010 helmets to prevent concussions for Tim Tebow. Early drafts show that it looks something like THIS.” Tennessee deserves everything they have gotten thus far with that decal.

Tynan: “Too soon to be talking about a Steve McNair curse?” Never.

Spider: “With both Maurice Jones-Drew and Mike Sims-Walker, the Jags have a distinct advantage in amount of last names on a roster. How do YOU intimidate your opponents?” Schaffer was a tad late with quotes, but I make exceptions for comments like that.

Hunt: “I like Jeff Fisher coaching in a game when his team's back is against the wall. I'd like him even more if he wears that throwback Oilers sweater every week of the season.” Could not stop laughing every time they showed Fisher last week. He looked like he was homeless and hadn't showered in four months.

Devin: “Shame on Del Rio for banning a radio show.” Think he was secretly upset that David Gerrard never asked Del Rio on as a guest?

OAKLAND @ HOUSTON (-9.5)

Oakland looked awful last week against Denver. Jeff Garcia is calling out the entire organization. Meanwhile, Houston has done a great job in underachieving for the past five years. That being said, I trust the Texans to win by ten points at home. If not now, then never.

My Pick: HOU (-9.5)

Barnes: “JaMarcus Russell might as well be Andy Marte. All the hype, tons of talent, plenty of potential, but where the hell is it?” Those two are very similar minus about 200 pounds.

Lay: “The Raiders won a game this year with an owner whose skin is dripping off of his face, a coach who punches other coaches, and a QB whose accuracy rivals that of the Klobb from GoldenEye. Unbelievable.” Two games I am dreading this season. Browns vs. Lions and Browns vs. Raiders.

Fiz: “So that’s what it’s like to get beaten by Chris Brown – I feel your pain, Rihanna.” Run it run it.

Hunt: “Ballbuster Pick of the Week: Taking the underdog in the 4th game listed. And it's a good thing because this is the Gus Johnson call of the week. Expect this game to be a five point win at most by either team.” SPEEEEED!

Hug: “Answer: Velvet - looking red suits. Question: What is Santa Clause and George Costanza designing a football uniform.” I'm continually amazed by the different ways George Costanza is incorporated into these comments.

Spider: "Spider: “About the only way the Raiders QB depth chart could be worse is if it included Charlie Frye. Wait a minute …” Don't forget Bruce Gradkowski. Trent Dilfer is on stand-by.

CINCINNATI (-5.5) @ CLEVELAND

History tells us that the Browns plays at least one good game at home before November. History also tells us that Derek Anderson plays well against the Bengals in Cleveland. Do I trust the Browns? No, but I trust taking six points with history on my side.

My Pick: CLE (+5.5)

Barnes: “The Browns should've just pulled a Keith Foulke. Quit before the season even started.” This just in Barnes ... they did quit before the season started.

Lay: “Being chosen as the Browns' starting QB is comparable to being the world's tallest midget.” Or the world's gayest straight guy.

Brian: “The loudest Cleveland Browns Stadium will be during this game will come when DA makes his first mistake. It could be a fumble, an incompletion, even a misstep during warmups. Can't wait.” It might be loud a lot.

Hunt: “I'm convinced the Browns will have to lose 6-0 or 3-0 or 2-0 to cover. In an interview this week, Tim Couch compared this year's team (and QB situation) to his time in Cleveland. Has there been a team with any less talent than the Browns in the last decade? The all-decade suck team would have to include at least seven Browns starters. There's so little talent in the city of Cleveland right now that reports say the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame plans on inducting Barry Manilow.” Going to give the last two sentences of this comment QOTW contention.

Devin: “Ladies and Gentleman welcome to the Anderson Era!!” Part Two.

Tynan: “O/U: Derek Anderson's shoe size minus interceptions/Derek Anderson completions.” O/U: DA's shoe size (15) plus IQ (50)/DA interceptions.

Smitty: “Has it really come to this. DA is back? I mean I can’t convey how heartbroken I am that BQ is awful. I mean its like being an Indians fan, or a Cavs fan, or a Notre Dame fan, or a Browns fan. Wait, maybe I can convey how heartbroken I am. Anyways. The fact that this game will be the only one on at my house because I live in Cincinnati makes me so upset. This game has the potential to be the worst game ever and I hate the Bengals, and Ochocinco is worthless, Im not sure if anyone saw Rick Reilly’s critique of his book but its insightful. He’s a jackass. Id rather burn my eyes out with a curling iron than watch this awful contest. And I still can’t take the Browns.” The only thing Quinn supporters can hope for is that BQ goes off on the "Nobody Believes In Me" mode. It could happen ... believe.

SEATTLE @ INDIANAPOLIS (-9.5)

This spread was not out when I sent the spreads, so I made it up on my own. Thankfully, Las Vegas shared my thinking, as I nailed it exactly. With that good karma going, I’ll take Peyton Manning until he fails me this season.

My Pick: IND (-9.5)

Barnes: “Peyton Manning is to the Colts what Grady Sizemore is to the Indians. Speaking of that, how great would it be to see Grady yell ‘cut that meat!’?” Only have ever seen one Grady commercial and that had him playing wiffle-ball in a back-yard. He could learn a thing or two from Peyton.

Lay: “Peyton Manning + Justin Timberlake + Erin Andrews = one helluva commercial. Or a naughty, naughty hotel porno. ‘Cut that meat! Cut that meat!’” QOTW contender.

Brian: “Chalk this up in the not-talked-about-enough category: Jim Caldwell has kept this finely tuned machine going as Tony Dungy's replacement. The fact that Dungy is linked more to Michael Vick than the Colts at this stage of the year is impressive.” Caldwell has done a nice job, but it's not like he had to do much either. Just stay out of the way more or less.

Hunt: “I should have known The Big Ju would have a great game on the ground last week for the Seahawks, being the eve of Yom Kippur. My next question: How were banks open on Monday if Jews couldn't work? And while we're here, the only thing black people do is commit crime and shoot guns; white people can't dance and white men can't jump; those following Islam are terrorists; and Asians can't drive.” I heart my friends.

Devin: “God I hate Peyton. I think I have taken Indianapolis every week now for about five years.” And the one time you have $500 depending on it, he lets you down. You will never escape this.

Hug: “I hope the Colts shut off the lights in Lucas Oil Stadium, I want to see Seattle glow in the dark.” Those are really bizarre uniforms ... but I kind of like them.

NEW YORK GIANTS (-8.5) @ KANSAS CITY

Smart money would be on Kansas City covering this rather large spread. But, I wouldn’t trust myself if I did.

My Pick: NYG (-8.5)

Brian: “The F'd Up Gods saw my tendency to pick Kansas City (who has not won yet, points or no points), so they decided to take the choice out of my hands. By the way, I would have picked the Giants had this not been the lucky game. No more talk. It's time for the always exciting, and soon to be award winning, F'd Up Pick of the Week (road team rolls first):

Roll #1: Back to back opening TD drives. Tied at 7 through one roll.
Roll #2: The defense stepping up a bit for both sides. 5 for the Giants, 4 for the Chiefs. 12-11 NYG.
Roll #3: New York pulling away a bit. A 7-3 advantage for the Giants during the roll. 20-14 through 3.
Roll #4: Don't count out these Chiefs. An 8-5 roll win. Now 25-22 GGGGGGGGGGGG-MEEEEENNNNN.
Roll #5: Uh oh. Eli got a lead, but the Eli Manning Face is out. The F'd Up stat of the week: KC ties the all-time record for points in a roll with an 11. NYG with only a 7. Kansas City on top 33-32 at the half.
Roll #6: Talk about a second-half pullaway. Todd Haley isn't exactly the halftime motivator. 10-3 Giants in the round. 42-36 NYG. This has been the most back-and-forth battle we've had yet.
Roll #7: A seven for the Giants, but KC battles back for the first and-one of the game, getting double-4s. The roll is...a 2. 49-46 NYG with three rolls left. Get ready ESPN Classic, this one is setting up to be a dousy.
Roll #8: A low scoring roll for both teams. Both got a 5. 54-51 Giants. Time to step up, Eli.
Roll #9: A solid 8 for the Giants, but ANOTHER DOUBLE 4 FOR KC!!!!! The and-one upcoming...and it's a 5! The Chiefs take the lead! Highest F'd Up score yet, a 13 for the Chiefs. Maybe I will pick the Chiefs every week this year. One roll to go, and the Chiefs have a 64-62 lead.
Roll #10: A decent 7 for the Giants means KC needs a 5 to tie and a 6 to win. The roll.......an 8! Kansas City with a thrilling 72-69 victory in the best F'd Up Pick of the Week yet.” I don't know how, but I love this more and more with every passing week.

Barnes: “This one will be over quick, just like Juan Gonzalez's 2005 season.” QOTW contender for four pitch. One of the many highlights of that freshman year at OU. Seems like such a long time ago.

Lay: “The Chiefs are as lively as Michael Jackson after a healthy dose of propofol.” The Chiefs are also as lively as all of O.J. Simpson's ex-wives.

Fiz: “Who was more of a girl: Coye ‘Ice Box’ Francies in that locker-room meltdown last week or Becky ‘Ice Box’ O’Shea in ‘Little Giants?’” Alex Lucius won Quote Of The Year last season with an Ice Box reference. Glad to see it again here.

Hunt: “It's hard to believe that a team in New York is going without much hype, but the Giants are doing it. Or maybe that's because I haven't watched SportsCenter in a week after high winds knocked our satellite dish off line. DirecTV says we could have put the dish up better than the Star Satellite guys who ACTUALLY put it up. That's like Trent Dilfer telling me I could run the Browns offense better than the guys calling plays right now.” Which you could. No question.

DETROIT @ CHICAGO (-10.5)

I adopted the Chicago Bears this season because I love Jay Cutler. Through three weeks they might be the team I trust the most. I trust they will find ways to keep games close. Give me the points.

My Pick: DET (-10.5)

Barnes: “This is a Todd Hollingsworth kind of game. Nothing spectacular but could be exciting at times. (Remember that friendly bet involving H-worth?)” I sure do, and so do those guys who were sitting in front of us when H-Worth inexplicably hit that home-run. They were almost as excited as you were Barnes.

Lay: “After watching Detroit issue a beat down to the 'Skins last weekend, it is now painfully apparent that the Browns could likely go 0-13 to start the year. On the bright side, it's almost Cavs season and they found Delonte West! Love it Cleveland!” WITNESS!

Brian: “The Lions are better than the Titans. They are just as good as the Steelers. But they are nowhere near the Broncos. If I said this 3 weeks ago, you would be confused. While, in baseball, it's the Yankees, Red Sox, Angels, Phillies, Cardinals, and Dodgers (and then probably the Tigers and Rockies)...there's your difference in parity, folks.” I heart the NFL.

Fiz: “The best thing about the Lions beating the Redskins is that I no longer have to worry about the Lions ended their winless streak against the Steelers next week. I probably would’ve off’d myself in the Ford Field parking lot.” Give me a break. Seriously Fiz. You were worried about the defending Super Bowl Champions losing to the win-less Detroit Lions! I feel like George Costanza and Fiz is Jerry Seinfeld, telling me how much bigger of a loser he is than me. Do you realize who you are talking to? Please, show some respect.

Hunt: “Bob Holtzman with ESPN said Scottie Pippen stopped by to talk with people waiting for the announcement of Chicago's Olympic bid. I blame him for the loss. Also, is there a city in the United States that is less prepared to host the Olympics than Detroit?!” Fostoria?

BUFFALO (-2.5) @ MIAMI

No clue on Buffalo, and not much clue on the Dolphins. I do know the Dolphins are starting Chad Henne, but I also know the Bills historically play bad at Miami. Going with my gut and taking the home team.

My Pick: MIA (+2.5)

Barnes: “Terrell Owens reminds me of Jose Mesa. He's got the talent but in the end, does he end up helping or hurting your team?” All Cleveland Indians, Dallas Cowboys, San Francisco 49ers, and Philadelphia Eagles fans know the answer to that question.

Lay: “Bold prediction for the week: TO swims to Cuba to avoid the oppression he's been a victim of in Buffalo.” I smell a reality show coming out of this.

Hunt: “I just can't take a team that lost it's starting QB, even though their starting QB didn't really play on half the snaps. This might be my least watched game of the week.” Tampa Bay and Washington will compete for those honors.

Devin: “Chad Henne is a starter in the NFL. Yep.” He wasn't even that good in college, and I'm willing to bet he was nothing special in high school.

Hug: “The Bison throwback helmet might just be the best in the game.” Always been a big fan of the Houston Oilers helmet myself.

NEW YORK JETS @ NEW ORLEANS (-6.5)

Not only do I not trust the entity known as Mark Sanchez, I would kill myself if I backed him this week.

My Pick: NO (-6.5)

Barnes: “The Jets are pulling a Cliff Lee right now. Defying expectations and playing some great ball. And since Lee won the Cy Young, that means the Jets will win the Super Bowl.” I would argue that Jaret Wright might have been the better reference here.

Lay: “Who really cares about this game? Both teams suck. This is really about the QB competition between Drew Brees and Mark Sanchez. And I'm not talking TDs here. Who's more handsome? One appeared in GQ, the other combs his hair like a 65-year old English teacher. Tough decision.” If Sanchez wins this beauty-looking contest I'm going to blame it on affirmative action.

Brian: “This is no 5-0 Alexander @ 5-0 Athens (which actually did happen Friday night...I'm not joking), but it should be interesting. And good for the two AHS's for being good this year. All you Gridiron folks know about the bad seasons they've had. The game, plus a Luke Florence reference, made for a great broadcast, too.” Athens is now 6-0 and could have some post-season plans. All the teams I covered last year are doing much better now that I have left. The Southern Ohio Copperheads made the finals after missing the playoffs with me, the Bulldogs are staring at nine or ten wins after winning four the year prior. Maybe I should start covering the Cleveland Browns right now?

Fiz: “When I was young, I remember playing Super Mario Bros. and kicking ass (if you got killed by the Goombas or turtles, you just sucked at life), only to get destroyed by Bowser or one of the other bosses. That’s pretty much how Rex Ryan will feel this week – he beat up on Matt Schaub, a game Tom Brady and Kerry Collins in the past three weeks, and now he’s going up against the boss in Drew Brees in the Superdome. Game over for the Jets’ unbeaten streak, and no resetting." Thought you were going to go with the Rex Ryan is the same size as Bowser here Fiz.

Smitty: “Sanchez is going to play like rookie at some point and I’ve said last week, I will take my odds with Drew Brees to cover everything on this planet.” Word.

ST. LOUIS @ SAN FRANCISCO (-10.5)

Big spread for a bad team. The Rams are starting Kyle Boller. I repeat, Kyle … Boller. I’ve already picked Henne, so now way am I doubling up and taking Boller as well.

My Pick: SF (-10.5)

Barnes: “The Niners are a Casey Blake kind of team. Nothing really stands out but they're gritty as hell. Kind of team Big John would like.” Big John will be rooting for the Dodgers in the postseason because of Casey Blake, and now maybe he will root for the 49ers.

Lay: “I find it amazing that SF can hack up the Alex Smith draft so much and still be good. I've heard of situations like that dooming franchises for decades. Take San Diego and Ryan Leaf. Oh. Really? That's right ... they're good. Well then look no further than the Titans and Vince Young. They've been terrible since they drafted him! Oh shoot ... they won 13 games last year. Well then ... I guess Tim Couch isn't entirely to blame for the last decade of Cleveland football.” I've said it before, and I'll continue to say it until it's false ... Tim Couch is the best QB the Browns have had since they returned. He's the only one to get Cleveland into the playoffs and the last one to beat Pittsburgh. Believe it.

Fiz: “Rams linebacker David Vobora got busted for taking performance-enhancing drugs. At least someone’s trying in St. Louis.” Hope Vobora didn't get those drugs from Albert Pujols.

Hunt: “Wait, did I just pick for Kyle Boller to play well on the road?! And he's terrible playing on the road for the most part of his career?!” He did throw two touchdowns last week against Green Bay.

Devin: “I really feel that you could combine the Browns, Bucs, and the Rams and the team would still go 8-8. I am making this statement without watching one minute of football this season.” Those eight wins are probably nine more than that mythical team would win.

DALLAS (-2.5) @ DENVER

Marion Barber is back and the Broncos finally face a team with a pulse.

Oh, and apparently Romo is homo.

My Pick: DAL (-2.5)

Barnes: “Got a feeling the Broncos are gonna pull a Travis Hafner. Really good early but just get worse with time. Screw you Travis Hafner.” Reminds me of Mitch Hedberg's "Pancake" joke. "As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. You're all happy at first, but then by the end, you're sick of 'em."

Lay: “I bet the Broncos are kicking themselves after hanging onto Brandon Marshall instead of trading him for Brady Quinn.” Where is Brian Robiskie? Is he alive?

Brian: “Romo is homo. (Luke always talks about picking up trends and that leading you to success in this league. Well, it can translate to the Bill Walton Award Standings too. That phrase is 2-for-2 on the QOTW board. I think I've found a trend.)” It's all about trends. Well done Boesch.

Fiz: “Let’s see if I can do this Cowboys haiku thing: Cowboys go mile high … And win; Romo’s still homo. I’m original.” Didn't take long Hunt for someone to copy your haiku idea. Two weeks.

Hunt: “No Mile High Club here. Jessica is fat and gone. Romo is homo.” That makes three straight Romo-homo references. And that's not even including a Woody-Romo story.

Spider: “The Broncos haven't been tested all season. This week I think they'll be like the kid who didn't study for his math test but has a really nice teacher, so he goes up and asks questions about all the problems, then the teacher basically explains exactly how to do them. Then he fails the test anyway.” This scenario explains about 65% of my elementary and high school classmates. Only in my scenario, the teacher will still pass everyone.

SAN DIEGO @ PITTSBURGH (-6.5)

Pittsburgh hasn’t covered all year. Not going to buck that trend this week.

My Pick: SD (+6.5)

Barnes: “Couple of Omar Vizquel teams. Consistently making the playoffs and always good for a highlight reel play or two.” Really think Barnes would have been better using the Alomar-Vizquel combination for this match-up. These teams always play close and entertaining games.

Lay: “I understand that most people know that Big Ben is a terrible person, but I'll share a story that should drive the point home like Ben drives his member home on unwilling hotel employees. After finishing up a 19 bar pub crawl in the spring of 2006 in beautiful Oxford, OH, my friends and I decided that we should probably go to a bar to wind down (or blackout). I went to the bar to grab some Natural Light drafts (only the best for my buddies) and went back to the spot that we had claimed. Unfortunately, Big Ben and his Big Crew had taken in over and he was trying to lure in unsuspecting 18-year olds into his circle of thrust. I was pretty mad since I loved the cubby hole and my friends got kicked out, so I put my hand on one of his bodyguards shoulders and said this to Ben while maintaining eye contact: "F*** you, you f*****n' faggot!" His bodyguards turned around and I pissed my pants and left immediately. On an unrelated note, I grilled some burgers when I got home and told an obese woman who was walking by to lay off the Twinkies. I guess this story points to me being an alcoholic more to Big Ben being a dick, but whatever. He's a rapist.” Story of the year candidate. Last two sentences might be used for QOTW.

Brian: “Pittsburgh looked like Cincinnati last week, and Cincinnati looked like Pittsburgh. It was weird. I like the Steelers to rebound this week, because cool people don't lose three in a row, and Mike Tomlin is a cool dude.” That would make Eric Mangini the lamest person in the league?

Devin: “No love for Roethlisberger after doing WWE.” Or after raping that girl. Anyone else thinking of Gilbert Gottfried’s roast of Bob Saget?

Smitty: “Pittsburgh is 0-3 ATS this year. This is a surprising trend to me but I just don’t see them as a team that’s going to cover a whole bunch. I am calling this trend and sticking with it.” No surprise that Smitty is doing so well ... kid is picking up on trends. Atta boy. Go Irish.

GREEN BAY @ MINNESOTA (-3.5)

Minnesota reminds me of Chicago. They both do just enough to win, and not enough to cover.

Let’s see how many unique ways this league can reference Brett Favre.

My Pick: GB (+3.5)

Barnes: “I can understand how Packers fans feel about Brett Favre. Indians fans have to see Victor Martinez in a Red Sox uniform. Screw you Mark Shapiro.” And we have to see Manny Ramirez, Casey Blake, Jim Thome, and Rafael Belliard all in Dodgers uniforms as well. Not to mention Cliff Lee in a Phillies uniform. Well done Shapiro.

Lay: “The moment we've all been waiting for! A former Packer who holds numerous team records and jumps ship to play for the Vikes! Oooohhhhh the nerve. How could anyone do this? I just hope that the defense takes it easy on this wily vet and he makes it out alive without tarnishing his reputation. Everyone will be gunning for this traitor! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you ... RYAN LONGWELL! You guys all remember the MNF game when Antonio Freeman downed a pooch punt of his at the 1, don't you? Freeman dove, the ball hit his back, and he rolled over and downed it! They still show it all the time whenever they talk about Ryan Longwell. Also, his dad died the night before to add to the drama. And there were only two seconds left. Amazing play.” Well done Lay. I wonder how much this angle will be covered on Monday night.

Brian: “ESPN's SportsNation (it's terrible) is trying to shoot for a world record of the most Brett Favre references in one program (I'm not kidding ... HERE) Imagine being the intern trying to find the actual record. This may involve a trip to John Madden's "after hours" department. God speed, young buck.” That show is brutal. Enough said.

Fiz: “It’s bad enough that this is Favre’s first game against the Packers. It’s worse that it’s on ESPN. But no, he had to throw the game-winning pass against San Francisco (even though Greg Lewis got hardly any credit for making the best catch I’ve seen since Santonio’s in the Super Bowl), so the slurping off of Favre will be at an all-time high. I can just see it now:

Mike Tirico: “And welcome to the Brett L. Favre Metrodome in Minnesota, where on Monday Night Favreball, the 3-0 Vikings get set to host the 2-1 Packers. I’m Mike Favrico, alongside Ron Ja-four-ski and Brett Gruden. Guys, this should be a great matchup between two rivals in the NFC North.”

Ron Jaworski: “Yes, it should, Brett. The Packers are riding the arm of Brett – I mean, Aaron Rodgers, and he’s throwing to a dangerous pair of receivers in Greg Jennings and Donald Driver. Coach, go ahead and talk about the Vikings.”

Jon Gruden: “Gladly. The Vikings have the best running back in the league in Favrian (rhymes with Adrian) Peterson. I expect him to have a big night on the ground. And guys, don’t forget – the Vikings have that No. 4 guy on their team. (all three giggle while Tirico wipes his chin with the back of his hand) The guy has led as many fourth-quarter comebacks as he’s made retirement speeches!” (continue uproar)

I think I’m watching “Dancing with the Stars” that night.” Yes, these are ATS members.

Hunt: “This whole hype has been over Brett Favre, but I maintain that the Packers need to put eight in the box on every play if they're going to stop Adrian Peterson. I mean, Ced Benson was at home with the Bengals when they ran all over Green Bay. Should be fun to watch Woody get as angry watching AP run as it was for him to watch us as AP killed the Browns in Week One.” Well, at least we were anticipating it.

Devin: “Remember when TB could have traded for Calvin Johnson? Yep, side note, Cranberry juice, orange juice and disaronno make an excellent combination. Just saying.” On that day Devin, we should have figured out that our teams would be this bad.

Tynan: “Rodgers moons Favre with his butt cheeks pressed against the bus window when Rodgers leaves Minnesota with a win.” Somewhere Mike Singletary is smiling.

Hug: “Sidebar: Brett Favre is looking to become the first player in NFL history to beat all 32 teams, but watch for Aaron Rodgers outperforming his counterpart. I just can't pick the purple team here.” How many teams has Favre beaten? Remember, you have to include the Old Cleveland Browns, Houston Oilers, Los Angeles Raiders, etc. It may be 36 plus.

Smitty: “Time for the Brandon Bursa Shockrocker Pick Of The Week … Bursa got a hold of me and said he liked GB and I don’t feel too strongly about this game so I can go with that. Everyone likes Minnesota so I can see the packers coming out and making a statement game against he who shall not be named.” Big thank you to Smitty and Brandin Bursa for making this happen. Much appreciated.

Spider: “I don't think Brett Favre is very good, but Kyle Boller threw two TDs against the Packers ... there's something unsettling about that.” Very much so.

There you go. Hope you enjoyed the week four column.

Please go HERE for the special sections ... including a return of Bart Borer's Thoughts For The Week as well as the most recent edition of In The Zone by Jason Fazzone.

Week Four picks will be out very soon.

Until then, "read it, roll it, hole it."