2008 NFL ATS Pick 'Em: Week Sixteen

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Unless of course you are Matt Barnes who is still enjoying 70+ degree weather. Hope the mosquitoes bite his ass.

We are down to a mere 30 games remaining in the regular season, and every game will be vital. We have $400 up for grabs, and are paying the top four. Also, there will be NO TIES for ANY POSITION. Yours truly is openly rooting for that to happen somewhere along the lines, which would put the playoffs in play. Sudden-death style.

Okay, we have no special columns this week, and just two contributors.

First is Jake Young, who went completely random last week, but had a process behind his madness. It gave him his best result of the season, 13-3, and also gave him hope. Two more crazy weeks like that, and Jake very well could be making some holiday money.

JAKE YOUNG'S ALMA MATER MATTERS CHALLENGE

"Here's the deal. I did this entire thing, it took me three hours, and I lost it all because webmail went down, and I didn't have it saved. After being depressed for awhile, though, I've decided to redo the whole thing. Here's this week's way of mindlessly picking the games. I'm going to compare this year's records of the competing coaches' alma maters. Best record wins. Also, to make up for quality of competition, one win will turn into a loss for FCS teams, and for D-2 and below, it will be two wins. If the straight up winner and ATS winner can be different teams, I'll take the longest tenured player on each team, and look at their alma maters. Whoever's alma mater has existed the longest will win the game. So, even if you think I'm nuts, you'll at least learn something, whether it be where certain coaches are from, who the oldest guys on teams are, or how long certain universities have been around. Giddy up!!

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 18TH

Indianapolis (-6) @ Jacksonville
The Pick: Indianapolis

Starting off, I didn't decide to do this until after this pick was due, so I just went with Indy. Let's see how it would have worked out. Tony Dungy was a star at Minnesota which was a much-improved 7-5 this year, but the Jags' Jack Del Rio went to USC, which is 11-1. Under that, I should have picked the Jags. Great start to the week.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 20TH

Baltimore @ Dallas (-4.5)
The Pick: Dallas

Baltimore's John Harbaugh starred at Miami of Ohio, where the woeful Redhawks went 2-10. Wade "Don't care what goes on, as long as I get paid" Phillips, meanwhile, played at Houston, which is 7-5 at the time. The Cowboys take the hard fought match-up of playoff hopefuls.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 21ST

Cincinnati @ Cleveland (-3)
The Pick: Cleveland

Most people probably don't know that "Soon to be Starvin" Marvin Lewis was a Bengal long before taking residence in Cincinnati. Marvin was an Idaho State Bengal in college. Another fact some may not know. The last job of the "Voice of the Bobcats", Russ Eisenstein, was with ISU. Crazy. Anyway, the Bengals were 1-11 this year in FCS action, translating to 0-12 with quality of
competition. Can Romeo Crennel find a way to blow it against a defeated team?? I could see it. Alas, he didn't this time. Romeo went to Western Kentucky, where the independent Hilltoppers finished a terrible 2-10. Two pitiful college records to go with two pitiful NFL records, but Cleveland wins. Makes sense Romeo went to an Independent school. Not enough room for him in a conference.

New Orleans (-6.5) @ Detroit
The Pick: Detroit (ATS) New Orleans (Straight Up)

New Orleans' Sean Payton was a 10,000 yard passer at Eastern Illinois (Maybe this should be the "Cradle of Coaches" [more on that later]) who went an adjusted 4-8 this season. Detroit's Rod Marinelli seems to me like an Army man, and it turns out, he did do a tour in Vietnam. He didn't play at West Point, though. He played 2 years at Utah and 2 at California Lutheran, so
we'll take the Utes' first six games (6-0) and the Lutes' (actually they're the Kingsmen) second six (1-5) for a total of 7-5. That means Detroit covers. So we go to the other tie breaker. New Orleans' longest tenured player is 16 year man Mark Brunell out of Washington. And this is even better than I thought!! We have an Apple Cup showdown! Detroit has 17 year man, Jason Hanson out of Wazzu, Washington State. These guys played college ball against each other, and now the age of their schools will decide the game. Washington is 147 years old, while State is only 116 years old. Detroit covers, but the Saints win to keep the Lionesses defeated on the year.

Miami (-4) @ Kansas City
The Pick: Kansas City (ATS) Miami (Straight Up)

Herm Edwards played 2 years at Cal, one at Monterey Peninsula JC, and one at San Diego State. Cal's first six games give you 4-2, but the Lobos didn't list their results, so they get an 0-3, and the Spartans finished 1 for their last 3, for a total of 5-7. How about Tony Sparano?? He attended the University of New Haven, and it turns out, the Chargers played club ball this year, and didn't list their results. That gives Sparano an 0-12, meaning KC covers. Who will win, though?? Nose Tackle Jason Ferguson of Miami is in his 12th year out of Georgia, which is a whopping 223 years old. KC has UCLA's Donnie Edwards. The Bruins have only been around for 91 years. Miami, in its usual way, will squeak out another one.

Pittsburgh (-1) @ Tennessee
The Pick: Tennessee

The Steelers' Mike Tomlin is a grad of William and Mary, who went an adjusted 6-5. Jeff Fisher, though, is a USC boy, so his 11-1 lifts the Titans to victory, securing the number one seed in the AFC.

Arizona @ New England (-8)
The Pick: Arizona (ATS) New England (Straight Up)

Ken Whisenhunt played ball at Georgia Tech, and the Ramblin' Wreck and triple option led the Jackets to a 9-3 record. Bill Belichick, meanwhile, played at Wesleyan. The Cards went an adjusted 0-9, so the Arizona Cards are looking good against the Pats. Arizona?s longest tenured player is Bryan Robinson, a nose tackle from Fresno State. New England?s oldest is USC?s own Junior Seau. The Pats, like the Fins, will win close because USC has been around 128 years to Fresno's 97.

San Diego @ Tampa Bay (-3)
The Pick: San Diego

Norv "Not the Burner" Turner went to Oregon, home of the 9-3 Ducks. As for Chucky Gruden?? He was a quarterback for the Dayton Flyers, who, with an adjusted 8-4, falling just short of Norv's boys in San Diego. Can the Bucs pull out a 1 or 2 point win, though?? Turns out, no, and by the slimmest of margins. Tampa has 3-14 year guys, but Joey Galloway of Ohio State is the
oldest. For San Diego, long snapper David Binn went to California. Turns out, the Golden Bears beat out the Bucks 139-138, and the Bucks and Bucs lose out in the end. Good to see Joey Galloway is still alive. I drafted him way too early in one of my fantasy leagues, and thought he got shot by Plaxico Burress during week four.

San Francisco (-5.5) @ St. Louis
The Pick: St. Louis

Mike Singletary went to Baylor, who had a less-than-banner 3-9 season. Jim Haslett, meanwhile, went to Indiana University of Pennsylvania. The Crimson Hawks were an adjusted 7-4, a winner in this game. As for the actual game?? St. Louis? Trent Green went to Indiana University of Indiana, and Isaac Bruce of the Niners (sounds wrong doesn't it?) went to Memphis. Well, St. Louis is going to take the win because Indiana beats Memphis 188-96.

Atlanta @ Minnesota (-3)
The Pick: Minnesota

Mike Smith attended East Tennessee State University, the same as my aunt and cousin. Unfortunately, the Bucs no longer have football, so he gets an 0-12. Brad Childress, on the other hand, Brad Childress is our second Eastern Illinois head coach, but unlike Sean Payton, the 4-8 pulls out a win for his team.

Philadelphia (-4.5) @ Washington
The Pick: Philadelphia

Andy Reid is from BYU, who is 10-2, and Jim Zorn went to Cal Poly Pomona. Unfortunately for Zorn, the Broncos don't field a football team anymore, so Philly takes the win, keeping themselves alive with the Atlanta loss.

Buffalo @ Denver (-7)
The Pick: Buffalo (ATS) Denver (Straight Up)

Dick Jauron is an Ivy League man, attending Yale in his college days. The Bulldogs finished an even 5-5 with adjustment. Mike Shanahan is our third head man from Eastern Illinois, and the 4-8 isn't enough to win this time. Buffalo makes it close, but can they win?? The Bills' longest tenured man is Jason Whittle from Missouri State. For the Broncs, it's not surprise that it's
center Tom Nalen, out of Boston College. BC is 145 years old, and the Bears have been around for only 103. Denver wins a squeaker.

Houston (-7) @ Oakland
The Pick: Houston

Houston native Gary Kubiak won me a big one last week. Let's see what his 4-8 Aggies of Texas A&M can do for me this week. Answer?? Just enough. Tom Cable went to Idaho, and the Vandals finished a woeful 2-10 in the competitive WAC. Houston takes it comfortably.

New York Jets (-5) @ Seattle
The Pick Seattle

Eric Mangini, like his former mentor Bill Belichick, gets an 0-9 from his alma mater, Wesleyan. Mike Holmgren, meanwhile, was a quarterback at USC, so he gets 11-1 and a comfortable cover. Can the Hawks knock Favre and the Jets out of the AFC East race, though?? Well, Favre has a little to say about it. He's the longest tenured Jet, and his Southern Miss Golden Eagles have been around for 98 years. For the Hawks, the oldest guy is Chris Gray from Auburn. The Tigers take the win and so does Seattle, 152-98.

Carolina @ New York Giants (-3)
The Pick: Carolina

John Fox was once a teammate of Herm Edwards at San Diego State. He gets the whole season's worth of games from the Spartans instead of just the last 3, so his record is 2-10. Tom Coughlin, meanwhile, played in the backfield with Larry Csonka at Syracuse. The Orangemen pull out a close Giants' win with a 3-9 record.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 22ND

Green Bay @ Chicago (-4)
The Pick: Chicago

Mike McCarthy went to tiny Baker University in Kansas, where the Wildcats finished an adjusted 6-6. Lovie Smith went to Tulsa, though, who was ranked for the first time in about 60 years and finished 9-3. Bears win, guaranteeing the Pack, not only their second losing record since '92, but also their second double-digit loss season in the same period."

Big thanks to Jake for doing the massive amount of research it takes to put something like this together. Hopefully Santa rewards him with another great record.

And now we move on to Kevin Hunt. Again, Kevin has outdone himself. Enjoy.

Indianapolis (-6) @ Jacksonville -- INDY
Thanks to David Garrard for making many people angry. Mark Brunell is steaming.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 20TH

Baltimore @ Dallas (-4.5) -- DAL
This game is just a shade below the hatred line of the Ravens-Steelers game last week. I was searching for a metaphor for being a Browns fan watching that game and all I could come up with was that it was like watching two of your fat, ugly sisters making out. A little twist on the usual metaphor for tying in a game. How about your two sisters getting unbelievable Christmas presents, but you get nothing but underwear. Come to think of it, with that metaphor, the Browns are Cinderella. God help us.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 21ST

Cincinnati @ Cleveland (-3) -- CLE
After watching Ken Dorsey throw the ball, I really hope the Browns realize that Jamal Lewis should get the ball even if there are nine in the box. And honestly, there really could be nine in the box (cue John Madden marking off each and every defender, one-by-one, putting an X over each one). I mean, who are the Bengals going to be worried about covering... Darnell Dinkins? Steptoe? I'd even put 10 in the box and assume Dorsey wouldn't see the wide open guy. Dorsey can't throw, Jamal can't run, Braylon can't catch. Cribbs can do all three, but hardly plays. Makes sense.

New Orleans (-6.5) @ Detroit -- DET
No one wants to be the team that allows the only win for a team in a season. The Lions may not win, but something tells me they'll want to at least play hard for the fans one last time.

Wouldn't it be wise of the Detroit organization to set up some ridiculous promotion for the fans... something like making the lower level all general admissions seating and, if you can prove that you made it to all eight home games this season, you get to sit down there. If you are a season ticket holder who didn't want to be there and sold your tickets off, you don't get your seats this week. It'd be smart, considering they'll have to put a curtain on the upper level to make it seem like the place is full, similar to how they do for women's college basketball games. It has been awesome to live in the Toledo FOX area the past few weeks. Thanks to Detroit not being able to sell-out their games, FOX has blacked out their games. Which means yours truly gets to watch a decent game on FOX. It just doesn't feel right.

Miami (-4) @ Kansas City -- MIA
Thank you so much for the "Who are the Chefs?" Snickers Super Bowl commercial find. I immediately put it in my youtube favorites, hoping to never lose sight of it again. I remember when it came on, ol' Randy couldn't stop talking about it. And now I'M the one who can't. This is just how it was meant to be. If I see that Applebee's commercial one more time ...

Pittsburgh (-1) @ Tennessee -- PITT
Ballbuster Pick of the Week: the favorite

I'm not sure the Titans want to win this game. Remember how the Jaguars beat the Steelers in Pittsburgh? A sloppy, sloppy field. Plus it would allow Tennessee to use the whole, "We're not the favorites in these playoffs. Believe in yourselves" thought line going in. That notion sounds dumb, but it's true. Recent history has shown us that teams who don't have home-field advantage tend to do better in the playoffs. Go figure.

Arizona @ New England (-8) -- NE
Maxine Hunt Pick of the Week: She doesn't hear enough of the Cardinals, she thinks they flew south. What do Cardinals sound like? What about horse socks? Is anyone listening to me?

San Diego @ Tampa Bay (-3) -- TB
Val-uable Pick of the Week: Tampa Bay will win by 8 because Proposition 8 is terrible and all of California should be punished. Well, they do have to watch Norv Turner and the Chargers week in and week out, that's pretty bad.

San Francisco (-5.5) @ St. Louis -- SF or STL
If Frank Gore plays, I'm taking the 49ers. If he doesn't, I'm taking the Rams. You got the Rams, no Gore. Kind of like the 2000 Presidential Election, no Gore.

Atlanta @ Minnesota (-3) -- ATL
Nothing would make me happier more than seeing TJack fall on his face and send the Vikings into disarray as they have the possibility of going to the playoffs. They lose this one, then have to wait and see if they back into the postseason, depending on the Monday Night game. The saving grace would be allowing Adrian Peterson just run -- taking the Browns-Jamal Lewis angle. Adrian Peterson NOW > Jamal Lewis EVER.

Philadelphia (-4.5) @ Washington -- WAS
As much as I'm not sold on the Redskins, I'm not sold on the Eagles either. Plus I'm watching the Eagle Bank Bowl that's being played at RFK Stadium in D.C. Towards the beginning, they showed the last Redskins game played at RFK and how there were a bunch of alumni there. I was legitimately excited in hopes of seeing Ernest Byner, but I didn't see him for even a second. What a crock. But what should I expect, he was basically invisible for the Old Browns beer pong team as well. One of the best ideas we've ever come up with. The rule is simple: you must shout-out a name of an Old Cleveland Browns player before every single beer-pong toss. It's fan-tastic.

Buffalo @ Denver (-7) -- BUF
I'm just so hopeful that there will be a Week 17 game that means something (Denver-San Diego). And I mean a REAL something, not a "I sure hope the Colts are dumb enough to play Peyton Manning instead of Jim Sorgi so the Browns can get into the playoffs" something. He may be a Badger, but if Sorgi ever makes it to a Madison bar in the offseason, he's getting a haymaker from yours truly. And I can only hope to be wearing my Brady Quinn t-shirt. Something tells me I will be involved as well.

Houston (-7) @ Oakland -- HOU
Thanks for showing up to the party late this year. Also thanks for beating the Browns (my team) and the Packers (my first game at Lambeau), both on the road. So the Texans are doing their best to catch up to Ohio State in the "hated" poll.

New York Jets (-5) @ Seattle -- SEA
Brett is old and not looking like his usual "I can dick around this entire game and still win it" self. Not to mention this is the reuniting of Favre and Mike Holmgren, who has to be just miserable at this point in his career at Seattle. They have preppy coffee and rain.... that's all.

Holmgren doesn't seem like he should be the coach, but should instead be the really large guy who sits in the middle-to-upper decks of the stadium, watching his team get pummelled in the pouring rain, but refusing to put a poncho on or use an umbrella. Is he cold? More or less. But he's miserable and he's using his oversized body as a billboard to show it.

In other words, Holmgren is Lucius. Quote of the week. No question. Speaking of Lucius, he hasn't gotten his picks in yet. He has about two minutes left.

Carolina @ New York Giants (-3) -- CAR
I like this line as long as Jake "of the man" doesn't have to pass. If the Giants stack the box AND can stop both backs for the Panthers, they stand a much better chance, but I just don't see it happening. The "Of the Man" references is why I love this format. Look at the artist formally known as JTO Sullivan.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 22ND

Green Bay @ Chicago (-4) -- CHI
I know I said I wouldn't go against Ken Jones. But with all due respect, I think the Bears will take this game AND will force that final week decision for the North Division title. Mr. Jones has helped me a lot this year and he may very well get my award as "Ass. Picker of the Year" (spelled incorrectly on purpose) for being the reason that I won some games. By next year, I will have someone different picking every one of my games. Mark it down. Somewhere Lucius is pissed. He wanted to be the full-time ass picker of the century.

NOW ON TO THE PICKS.

JOSH: CLE, DET, MIA, TEN, NE, TB, SF, MIN, PHI, BUF, HOU, SEA, NYG, CHI

LUCIUS: CLE (ONLY PICK HE GOT IN). IF HE WINS, HE WILL TIE FOR THE WORST RECORD OF THE WEEK. IF HE LOSES, HE WILL GET ONE GAME LESS THAN THE WORST RECORD OF THE WEEK.

DEVIN: CLE, NO, MIA, PIT, NE, TB, SF, ATL, PHI, DEN, HOU, NYJ, NYG, CHI

LUKE: CIN, DET, KC, PIT, NE, TB, SF, ATL, PHI, BUF, HOU, SEA, NYG, GB

JUSTIN: CLE, NO, KC, PIT, NE, TB, SF, MIN, WAS, DEN, HOU, SEA, NYG, CHI

POLITO: CIN, NO, MIA, TEN, NE, TB, STL, ATL, PHI, BUF, HOU, NYJ, NYG, CHI

BRIAN: CIN, NO, MIA, PIT, ARI, TB, STL, ATL, PHI, BUF, HOU, SEA, CAR, GB

SHANE: CIN, NO, MIA, TEN, NE, SD, SF, MIN, PHI, BUF, HOU, NYJ, CAR, CHI

KEVIN: CLE, DET, MIA, PIT, NE, TB, STL, ATL, WAS, BUF, HOU, SEA, CAR, CHI

BART: ALL HOME TEAMS

BURSA: CIN, NO, KC, TEN, NE, TB, STL, MIN, WAS, DEN, HOU, NYJ, CAR, CHI

CHEWY: CLE, NO, KC, PIT, NE, TB, SF, MIN, WAS, DEN, HOU, SEA, NYG, GB

JAKE: SEE HIS COLUMN THIS WEEK

RAPKING: CIN, NO, MIA, PIT, NE, TB, SF, ATL, PHI, BUF, HOU, NYJ, NYG, CHI

SARA: CLE, NO, MIA, TEN, NE, SD, SF, MIN, PHI, DEN, HOU, NYJ, NYG, GB

GROTHAUS: NO PICKS THIS WEEK

JEFF: CIN, NO, KC, PIT, ARI, SD, STL, ATL, WAS, DEN, HOU, SEA, CAR, CHI

BARNES: CLE, NO, KC, PIT, NE, SD, SF, ATL, PHI, DEN, HOU, SEA, CAR, CHI

CURTIS: CLE, NO, MIA, TEN, ARI, SD, SF, ATL, WAS, DEN, HOU, NYJ, NYG, CHI

BRAVES: YOU GUESSED IT, NO PICKS

There ya go. Sorry for being just a tad late. Have a Merry Christmas. And Bursa, well buddy, you are going to be married in less than a week!!! Unreal.

Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."