2009 NFL ATS Pick 'Em: Week Fourteen

By: Luke Florence

It began on February 24th with a 3-hour long podcast and has continued in various formats ever since. Today it ends. It started with 128, and has been narrowed down to 16. After today there will only be one.

It is the 2009 Mainstay Tournament.

Inspired by Bill Simmons All-Tiger Woods Mailbag/NFL Picks column, we are going to conclude the 15 remaining matches in lieu of a Week 14 column.

At the end, we will post some week 14 comments from the group, including an F'd Up Pick Of The Week you will not want to miss.

Giddy up, the road to the F'd Up Tournament begins now.

Week Fourteen Picks: NO, IND, HOU, CAR, KC, BAL, CIN, NYJ, GB, MIA, TEN, WAS, SD, NYG, ARI. Best of luck.

SWEET SIXTEEN - The eight losers here will be seeded in the #12 - #10 range.

Structured Randomness vs. Ohio University

For simplicity's sake, we will start each match in the 2nd half.

Halftime score: Structured Randomness leads O.U. 37-33.

Roll #6: Ohio University cuts into S.R.'s lead by one thanks to a 9 roll. S.R. up 45-42.
Roll #7: Not at all phased by the good start of the Bobcats, S.R. answers with an 11 to go up by nine, 56-47.
Roll #8: Frank Solich calls out the defense, and they respond in a big way, putting up a 9-3 score in roll eight. 59-56 S.R.
Roll #9: Second straight 9 for O.U gives them the lead for the first time in the 2nd half, now up by one 65-64 with just one roll remaining.
Roll #10: A 6 by S.R. gives them 70, meaning O.U. needs to match that 6 to win and advance. The Roll .... A FIVE!!! We are headed to Overtime!!

Our overtime rolls are simple. Two rolls per O.T. needed.

O.T Roll #1: Matching seven's has this game STILL tied at 77. Do you smell Double O.T??
O.T. Roll #2: An average 7 by S.R. lets the Bobcats know they just need to be better than average to win it. The Roll ... A SIX!!! Structured Randomness breaks the heart of all those in Athens with a thrilling 84-83 overtime victory.

Cleveland Browns Beer Pong vs. Reach

Browns Beer Pong has been downright dominant in their Sweet 16 march. They have won all of their games by double-digits, including a 28-point thrashing of the Asian Invasion.

At halftime they lead Reach 41-28. Kevin is thrilled, but still unsure.

No need to go roll-by-roll because it is ALL Browns Beer-Pong. Neither team does anything spectacular in the 2nd half, which means that the Cleveland Browns Beer Pong advances to the Elite Eight with a convincing 75-61 win over Reach.

Randy Hunt "Rub Money" vs. Semi-Charmed Life

Despite being down 15-7 right off the bad, Randy Hunt shows no signs of quitting, and rallies throughout the rest of the 1st half to close within six. Semi-Charmed Life leads it 41-35 at half.

Roll #6: An eight by Randy is nullified and then some by SCL with double 3's and an And One of a 4. SCL up 51-43.
Roll #7: This once-close match-up is starting to open up a bit. Back to back Double's by SCL has them in a commanding 67-49 lead.
Roll #8: 70-56 SCL. If Randy ends up losing this, he will look back at Roll #8 as his chance to get back in it.
Roll #9: Salt in the wounds. Double 6's by SCL followed by an And One three, has the classic song up twenty on Rub Money, 85-65.
Roll #10: No drama here. Semi-Charmed Life easily downs Randy Hunt "Rub Money" 95-72.

Michael Jordan vs. Bill Walton

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the main-event of the Sweet 16. Are you ready for this?

Roll #1: An incredible display of defense by Walton has the big-man up 7-3 early.
Roll #2: You can't stop His Airness, you can only hope to contain him. An 11 by MJ gives him the lead right back. 14-13.
Roll #3: Starting to settle down a bit, as both guys are trying to get a feel of the other. 22-20 MJ.
Roll #4: This one has the making of an instant classic. Walton holds Jordan to a four, and then puts up a respectable seven of his own, giving us our third lead change already. 27-26 Walton.
Roll #5: How about four lead changes in five rolls? Unbeeeelievable!! 37-36 Jordan at the half. Buckle in guys.
Roll #6: This might be unprecedented. Another lead change!! Walton puts up an 11 in the first roll of the second half and now has a three-point cushion on Jordan, 47-44.
Roll #7: Double 2's by Jordan is buoyed by an And One six, resulting in a ten-point turn. And yes, we have ANOTHER lead change. That's six in seven rolls for those keeping score at home. 54-51 Michael.
Roll #8: I don't want this to end. Our 7th lead change in eight rolls. Double 4's by Walton with his own And One six. Walton has the biggest lead of the match, up 65-59 with two rolls left.
Roll #9: Jordan closes the gap, but can't take the lead from the big man. Walton is holding on for dear life, up 70-68.
Roll #10: Jordan goes first and rolls a .... SEVEN! That's not the clutch-ness we've come to expect from MJ. Walton only needs a five to tie, and a six to win. Rolling for a spot in the Elite Eight, Walton throws a .... THREE!!! JORDAN MOVES ON!! Clutch-ness happens on both ends of the dice here in the F'd Up Tournament. This has my vote for match of the tournament!! Jordan takes it home, as he always does, 75-73.

David Carr vs. Ernest Byner

The man who showed grass to Mexican kids for the very first time up against the man who couldn't hold on to the football. Should be fun.

Hard to follow the Jordan-Walton instant-classic, but these two are trying, Carr up by two at half, 37-35.

Roll #6: Carr uses a ten-point roll to go up by seven right out of the gate. 47-40 for the only down-hill skier on his basketball team.
Roll #7: A ho-hum turn still has the man in the Snickers Polo up by five, 52-47.
Roll #8: Another yawner, but gives the man who has basically written the book on youth soccer a 58-52 advantage with two rolls to go.
Roll #9: Byner finally wakes up and scores a ten-point throw of his own, but he is still down by two, 64-62.
Roll #10: Last roll for Carr is .... A THREE!! Goodness. That means Byner needs only a five to tie, and a six to win. It's the exact same scenario that Walton had one match earlier. Will Byner drop the proverbial ball? Or does he only drop real ones?? The roll ... A SEVEN!! Book it. Ernest Byner rolls on, 69-67 over the legendary David Carr.

Pizza Hut Lunch Buffet vs. Keith Hodkinson

The place where dreams come true against Kevin's arch-nemesis. It's bad enough that Hodkinson has clinched a spot in the F'd Up Tournament, but every win he gets only improves his chances in the Big Dance. Let's see how far he will go.

Not good news for Kevin ... at all. Hodkinson is in full Eff You mode. He's coming for Hunt's heart. Keith is up 46-25 at half. Proving he can do it on both sides of the dice.

Unfortunately for Hunt, this Sweet 16 match doesn't get any closer than 17 in the 2nd Half. Hodkinson advances rather easily, 86-61. Onward.

Scotty B. vs. Trainwreck

The 2006 overall #1 seed, Trainwreck wants a chance at redemption, and is up on Scotty B 39-35 at the half.

Scotty B takes the lead after seven rolls, but it was short-lived as he found himself trailing by one, 61-60 with one roll to go.

Final Roll: A five by Scotty B will not help his case for improved seeding. No one expects Trainwreck to only roll a three. The roll ... A SIX. Done and done. A rather boring affair, but a win nonetheless for Trainwreck, 67-65.

Unappreciative Bastard vs. Memorial Day Weekend

A phrase made famous by our friend Wade Peery goes up against a weekend that will never be forgotten. A couple of OU memories battle for the final spot in the Elite 8.

UB leads throughout, and is up 47-41 at halftime.

It's a close match, but MDW finally gains the lead on roll #9. It's a one-point match and could be headed for overtime. 70-69 MDW with one throw left.

Final Roll: A seven by Vince Carter, the Unappreciative Bastard, means MDW needs a six to tie, and a seven of its own to win. The roll for the final spot in the Elite 8 ... A NINE! Memorial Day Weekend wins it 79-76.

ELITE EIGHT - The four losers here will be seeded in the #9 - #8 range.

Structured Randomness vs. Cleveland Browns Beer Pong

At halftime, CBBP leads it by one, 38-37.

Roll #6: Browns Beer Pong doubles their lead, 44-42.
Roll #7: Structured Randomness is not going to just lie down for this, as they come back and take the lead for the first time in the match, 49-48.
Roll #8: A ten by S.R. coupled with a four by CBBP has Structured Randomness up 59-52 with two rolls to go. A phrase inspired by this actual tournament has its eyes set on the Final Four.
Roll #9: Browns Beer Pong puts up a nine, but still trail it 64-61 heading into the final roll.
Roll #10: Cue up Mike Tirico. OH NO!! Structured Randomness rolls a FOUR on the last turn, which opens the door for Browns Beer Pong. A seven will tie, and an eight will win. The roll ... A NINE! You just can't expect to make mistakes like that during these final stages and not pay the price. Cleveland Browns Beer Pong is on the way to the Final Four, with a 70-68 victory.

Semi-Charmed Life vs. Michael Jordan

Fresh off his incredulous defeat of Bill Walton, Jordan rides that momentum to a 45-39 halftime lead against SCL.

Wish I could do a roll-by-roll of this Elite 8 match-up, but Jordan simply doesn't allow it. He has the lead and un-like with Walton, won't be giving it up. He knocks off Semi Charmed Life 79-69 and now marches on to the Final Four to face Browns Beer Pong.

Ernest Byner vs. Keith Hodkinson

The sweat radiating off of Hunt's face right now is memorable. We just might see the Kevin Hunt face if Hodkinson takes this match-up.

Hodkinson uses the strength of a 16-point roll to take the half-time lead, 44-39. This is not going to end well for Kevin is it?

Byner gets it to just a one-point deficit, but that is as close as Hodkinson will let it. If there was ever a casual five-point Elite Eight win, we just saw one. 80-75 has Hunt's #1 enemy in the Final Four.

Trainwreck vs. Memorial Day Weekend

Trainwreck takes its' first lead of the match in the last roll of the first half, and is up by two 40-38. We have one seat remaining in the Final Four.

The second half is all about experience. Trainwreck has been there and done that. It shows. They actually trail it by two after seven rolls but doesn't show any bit of panic. They outscore Memorial Day Weekend 22-11 in the last three rolls to win it going away, 78-65. And just like that we have our Final Four. Oh Billy.

FINAL FOUR - The two losers will play in a 3rd Place match-up to determine seeding.

Cleveland Browns Beer Pong vs. Michael Jordan

There's domination. There's impressiveness. There's legendary. And then, there's Michael Jordan's performance in the Final Four. Just beyond words.

Browns Beer Pong was as good offensively as one would hope to be in the first half, rolling three 10's, one 11 and one 9 on their way to a 50-point half-time score. But, Jordan was not to be stopped tonight. He rolled double's twice, and on both occasions he rolled an EXTRA And One, including a 23 point roll. It made the score 50-49 at halftime in favor of CBBP.

Browns Beer Pong would end up with 83 points, but needed about 30 more to keep pace with Jordan. Jordan rolled double's on four of his five 2nd half throws, to breeze past Cleveland Browns Beer Pong 110-83.

Keith Hodkinson vs. Trainwreck

Have I mentioned that Kevin is desperately rooting for ANYONE to knock off Hodkinson. ANYONE. He's looking miserable right now. This shouldn't have happened. It could have been avoided right? We will see.

Trainwreck opens up a small 35-34 halftime lead, but Hodkinson doesn't flinch. Not one bit. He takes the lead immediately in the 2nd half and doesn't give it up, winning comfortably 78-65. Kevin Hunt is barely breathing. If there is a God, he won't let Keith Hodkinson win it. I don't think Hunt's heart will be able to take it. But then again, that's why they call it the F'd Up Tournament.

3RD PLACE MATCH - Winner gets a #4 seed, the loser gets a #5 seed.

Cleveland Browns Beer Pong vs. Trainwreck

Let's just move on to the Championship match shall we. But to keep the records straight, Trainwreck was victorious 75-68.

2009 MAINSTAY TOURNAMENT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH - Winner gets a #1 seed, the loser gets a #2 seed.

Michael Jordan vs. Keith Hodkinson

And then there were two. The best basketball player to ever lace them up against Hunt's #1 Threat To America. If Jordan wins it, he might be the favorite (along with Obama of course) to win the F'd Up Tournament. If Hodkinson wins it, you can guarantee that the selection committee will give him the toughest draw possible.

Giddy up.

Roll #1: Jordan takes the early 8-5 lead, but there is a strange smirk on Hodkinson's face that has Hunt near suicidal.
Roll #2: Hodkinson closes the gap, but still trails it 13-12 after two rolls.
Roll #3: Hodkinson takes the lead for the first time, but it's only by one, 21-20.
Roll #4: Starting to stretch that lead out a bit, Keith is up 31-27. Hunt is looking like Rocky Balboa after the first Rocky movie.
Roll #5: No doubles for anyone in the first half, but Keith Hodkinson has the 37-32 advantage.
Roll #6: Jordan gets within three, but you start to wonder if there's going to be any fireworks at all in this one. Hodkinson up 43-40.
Roll #7: Biggest lead for Keith, 52-46. Hunt is no where to be seen.
Roll #8: Matching seven's has Hodkinson retaining that six point lead. Just two rolls to go. Why is Kevin geting a ladder outside? Is he climbing to the roof? For what?
Roll #9: A seven by Jordan helps, but a three by Keith helps some more. 62-60 with just one roll remaining. Can Jordan do it? Can Michael save Kevin?
Roll #10: The final two rolls of the tournament. Jordan up first. And he rolls a ... SIX. Oh no. Hodkinson will win it with a five. And now he is up. Grinning that sly grin of his. Kevin looks like Jack during the Season Three Finale of LOST. About ready to jump off the bridge. The roll ... AN ELEVEN! KEITH HODKINSON TAKES HOME THE INAUGURAL MAINSTAY TOURNAMENT AND LOCKS UP A NUMBER ONE SEED FOR THE 2009 F'D UP TOURNAMENT. Kevin Hunt is no longer with us.

Wow. And just like that, it's all over. Get ready for a healthy dose of F'd Up Material on this blog as the days go on.

Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."