Apologies for the lack of the column before the games started on Sunday. Saturday night was spent driving back from Ohio, and needless to say, getting in at 4:30 AM meant there would be a missed deadline. However, here is the column for week eight. No comments from yours truly, but there are still several hilarious quotations from the league members.
SEATTLE @ DALLAS (-9.5)
Devin: “Is Hasselbeck hurt? Seattle keeps being huge underdogs in these match-ups and I can never understand why?”
Shane: “I'm going with the word association this week. Miles Austin. Monmouth. Fighting Scots. Van Pelt. Tall. Schaffer.”
Kevin: “Wade Phillips face everywhere, but I don't like that Walter Jones is out for the Seahawks. Wouldn't doubt that Hasselbeck gets blasted when Demarcus Ware comes off the left side and Brandon Frye can't block him. Or, more appropriately... Walter Jones won't play. 'Hawks can't block Demarcus Ware. Romo still homo.”
Schaffer: “How is a man with the name Miles Austin black and from New Jersey? There's something very wrong with that.”
Brian: “According to Wikipedia, Tony Romo is homo. Just kidding. That must be the reason why teachers don't let you use Wikipedia on research papers. It forgets little details like that.”
Lay: “Romo is a stud … Seattle is decrepit … Reamer is homo.”
Barnes: “‘Ghosts’ - A couple of teams whose identity is still pretty unclear. I guess the only clear thing we know about either team is Romo is homo.”
Fiz: “Is the 9.5 the spread for this game, or is that the over/under for how many passes Roy Williams drops?”
HOUSTON (-3.5) @ BUFFALO
Brian: “After popular demand by all the Houston fans (all 14 of them), the Texans become the first team to be involved in the F'd Up Pick of the Week in two straight weeks. It's another up in the air game, but I would have picked Houston originally. But let's see if the dice agree. Road team rolls first.
Roll #1: A big start for Buffalo, as they take an 11-6 lead early on.
Roll #2: A yawn of a second round, as BUF wins it 6-5 and leads 17-11 through two rounds.
Roll #3: It's all going right for the Bills. Another 5 by the fanless Texans, and then the Bills rolled snake eyes. The and-one was another 1. Then a four came on roll number four of the round. 24-16 BUF.
Roll #4: Should the Bills turn back to J.P. Losman? Maybe hire Jim Fassel or Jim Haslett. Maybe the Bills will just go down to the UFL. It could happen. Anyway, back to the action, as the Bills are rolling. Another low score for the Texans (5) followed by an 8 for Bills. This is turning into a snooze-fest. 32-21 BUF.
Roll #5: A pair of 5's for both sides. Come on guys...roll better. This is weak. 37-26 BUF.
Roll #6: Seriously Houston. I will deem you ineligible if you don't get something going. They haven't rolled higher than a 6. This time, it was a 4. BUF with a 9. 46-30 BUF.
Roll #7: 6-5 BUF in the round. Now I'm rooting for low scores the whole way. Houston is pathetic. 52-35 BUF.
Roll #8: BREAK OUT THE TEXANS! An 11!!!! Wow! The Texans respond with a snake eyes followed by a 6. 60-46 BUF. We're gonna need to see some and-ones for the Texans.
Roll #9: Both sides get a 7, as we are about to see the JV squad come in. Houston needs a miracle. 67-53 BUF.
Roll #10: The best round of the game. Too bad it didn't really matter. Houston rolls an 11. Then a pair of 4's for the Bills, followed by a 5. The final is 80-64 Bills, so the pick is Buffalo +3.5.”
Shane: “Matt Schaub. Fantasy. Megan Fox. Racist Robots. Black Jokes. Matt Barnes.”
Kevin: “How truly unlucky is Dick Jauron?? I mean, he coached the Bears, had one good season in 2001, sucked in all the others, then got a job as D-coordinator in Detroit. After he was passed over for the head coaching job by Rod Marinelli (now Bears asst. head coach), he went on to be the head coach in Buffalo. He hasn't worked for a decent team since being with Tom Coughlin in Jacksonville a decade ago. Or is it that he hasn't made a team decent in more than a decade?? You decide.”
Lay: “Sorry, Ryan Fitzpatrick. The only scoring that Harvard is sononymous for is on the LSATs.”
MINNESOTA @ GREEN BAY (-3.5)
Shane: “Jordy Nelson. Wes Welker. Ed McCaffery. Tweeter. Jonathan "Mox" Moxon. Fire That Pigskin.”
Hug: “If Brett Favre could tackle somebody I would have had 12 wins last week. A big Wag of My Finger to you Brett Favre and Minnesota.”
Brian: “Here's a dare, national media. Don't mention Brett Favre's time in Green Bay, Derek Jeter's clutchness, or LeBron James' impending free agency for 1 day. We could completely get rid of ESPN2. We wouldn't need it anymore.”
Fiz: “It makes me sick to my stomach that Fox is actually using a “Favre-cam” for this game. I’m sure John Madden hopes “Favre-cam” follows Favre into the locker room, into the stall, into the shower – you get the picture.”
ST. LOUIS @ DETROIT (-4.5)
Shane: “Marc Bulger. Noel Devine. Kids. Travis Henry. Way More Kids.”
Schaffer: “Mounds Bar: The candy bar that looks and tastes like a turd is the perfect metaphor for this game.”
Brian: “FOX should market this as the rematch of the 2006 World Series. That was probably the most boring one in a long time, and it'll still be 100 times more interesting than this game.”
Lay: “No amount of riot punch could get anyone through this game. I'd take the secret tunnel BACK to the Holiday Inn and watch the other games on TV.”
Jeff: “With the point spread Detroit will win 4.5 to 0.”
Fiz: “Have the Lions been favored in any game since Barry Sanders retired? I’m being serious here.”
MIAMI @ NEW YORK JETS (-3.5)
Shane: “The Sanchize. Hot Dogs. Milwaukee Brewers. Matt LaPorta. Future Bust.”
Hug: “Ted Ginn makes Browns Version Braylon Edwards look like Jerry Rice.”
Kevin: “The way to beat the gusty wind and other weather in the Meadowlands is by running the Wildcat. That, or by getting uber drunk and making out in the bathroom with a chick you just met. Which begs the question: if you were to partake in a situation like that, would you choose men's or women's room?? The men's room will be filled of people cheering for you, but the possibility of stepping in a big puddle of pee or falling into a poop-filled toilet that hasn't flushed since Week 2 is incredibly high. The women's room will be filled with people who hate you for taking advantage of a woman, but will be noticeably cleaner and will have more stalls with closed doors for privacy (cause obviously you have standards and this whole thing is going somewhere).”
Brian: “Our educational system is poor. So why not make things fun when you can? Try this, 6th grade teacher. It's a heck of a multiple choice question. If Rex Ryan and Charlie Weis meet at a Golden Corral, what will happen?
A. Hurricane
B. Earthquake
C. Expansion of world hunger by 18%.
D. All of the above.
(The answer is D.).”
Lay: “Gotta feel good about a former Michigan QB throwing to a pair of Buckeye WRs, including one who could never crack the top two.”
Barnes: “"Trick or Treat" - Never know what you're gonna get with Mark Sanchez. Could be a treat or could be a trick. And trust me, I would know.”
SAN FRANCISCO @ INDIANAPOLIS (-12.5)
Shane: “Cut That Meat. Fat Chicks. Scary College Memories.”
Kevin: “The guy who made gay slurs this week is suspended. San Francisco is, well, draw your own conclusions here. (and no, I'm not done with this LJ thing).”
Schaffer: “Snickers: Was gonna go with the Niners in this one, but as was pointed out to me, I can't pick against Adam Nougateri, given my theme.”
Reamer: “We did not take our Flag Football Championship to the national tourney...Kent State wouldn't sponsor us and we were too poor to pay for everything ourselves. We would've been a force to reckon with though!”
Brian: “The Mike Singletary Face vs. The Peyton Manning Face. Bill Simmons will be giddy.”
Lay: “How perfect that on Halloween weekend Alex Smith rises from the dead and yanks the starting QB's job.”
Barnes: “"Skeletons" - Austin Collie? Pierre Garcon? Seriously, you could put dead bodies out there at recievers for Indy and Peyton Manning will find a way to make them a fantasy star.”
CLEVELAND @ CHICAGO (-13.5)
Devin: “Do you still watch these games?”
Shane: “Bears. Pandas. AOP's. More Scary College Memories.”
Hug: “The Bears are coming off of an embarrassing loss and the Browns are coming off of an embarrassing season. You know it's bad as a fan when you're excited to see the opponent score because a kick return is your best chance at the end zone.”
Kevin: “Butch Davis got a big upset win on the road, so his former team should pull something off too, right?? The kicking game in this game will be crucial too. These teams will be trying to stay away from opposing returners more than Lamar Odom will be staying away from Khloe Kardashian in bed on nights that don't include drinking heavily. Or more than Derek Anderson (and the Browns in general) stay away from success. Or more than hobos stay away from cleanliness. Or more than Jamie Reamer's passes stayed away from players they were actually intended for. (Decided I couldn't watch two guys fight in the bar on their own I guess).”
Schaffer: “Whatchamacallit: At this point, can you even call what the Browns' have an offense? There has to be a better word for it.”
Brian: “Is it bad I hope Eric Mangini's kids don't get any candy on Halloween? No? Good.”
Lay: “Looking forward to next week when the Browns will only be 6 point underdogs to the vaunted bye week.”
Barnes: “"Vampires" - The Bears are in desperate need of a victory. Good thing is that they can smell blood. Good 'ol Browns always there to make another team feel better about themselves.”
Fiz: “Aaron Rodgers said the Packers’ scout team did a better job of running the Browns’ defense than the actual Browns did. The members of this ATS league could probably do just as well.”
DENVER @ BALTIMORE (-3.5)
Shane: “John Elway. Bubby Brister. Blitz 64. Billy Jo Hobert. Saints. Tim Couch Hail Mary For The Win.”
Hug: “I mean, how can Denver be good? Every team they've played so far has gotten beat by the Broncos.”
Kevin: “Who wants Larry Johnson to be picked up by the Broncos?? Cause I do. Then his team-joining press conference will include something to the effect of, ‘Josh McDaniels?? Who is this guy?? My dad has more experience than him. Hell, I HAVE more experience than him.’”
Schaffer: “Amazin' Fruit: I want them to start making these delicious gummy bears again even more than I want the Broncos to finally lose a game.”
Brian: “Hey Kyle Orton. See what's happening with Kerry Collins in Tennessee? That's you in 365 days. Enjoy this year of fame.”
Barnes: “"Coffins" - Pretty sure every NFL team has one of these ready when Ray Lewis comes into town. I mean, he did kill a guy.”
JACKSONVILLE @ TENNESSEE (-3.5)
Shane: “Maurice Jones-Drew. Jackie Joyner-Kersee. Diamond Dallas Page. Diamond Cutter.”
Brian: “Two years ago this game mattered. Now it matters about as much as the name of the hot girls with skimpy costumes on Court Street.”
Jeff: “Another owner meddling in the football operations. Should have drafted Jamarcus Russell.”
Barnes: “"Zombies" - The Titans have been playing just about every game like a zombie. And now they bring in Vince Young for a change of pace. Thing is, replacing an old, awful quarterback with a younger, awful quarterback doesn't equal a victory.”
OAKLAND @ SAN DIEGO (-17.5)
Shane: “Mike Mitchell. Chris Garrett. Elizabeth Reichert. Kelly Brennan. Jaime Baker. Every Other OU Football Player.”
Hug: “Kudos to Shane for picking the Raiders, I am truly sorry for the inspiration. I take it Vegas is getting killed by Oakland if they are jumping the line up this high. At this point for Oakland, moral victories are okay. Now go get me a moral victory.”
Shane: “Saint Sebastian is the patron saint of athletes and the game will be played on All Saint's Day, so I'm taking the team of the only Sebastian in the league who's playing on Sunday. For the record, I would have also picked the Patriots and gritty offensive lineman Sebastian Vollmer.”
Schaffer: “Airheads: With Al Davis and Norv Turner's teams facing off, this one was just too easy.”
Lay: “LT looks like Emmitt Smith during his Arizona Cardinal days. This, for the record, is not good.”
Barnes: “"Spiders" - They're ugly, disgusting, creepy, slow, and gross. Oh, I'm not talking about spiders, I'm talking about the Raiders.”
NEW YORK GIANTS @ PHILADELPHIA (-2.5)
Shane: “DeSean Jackson. Jeremy Maclin. Gus Johnson. Speeeeeeeed.”
Schaffer: “Chunky: There were so many different routes I could go with this one...I mean, it's Andy Reid.”
Brian: “I'm surprised two former Indians aren't starring at QB in this game. Oh wait, we don't have any other good players. But we have Manny Acta! It's Tribe Time Now!”
Lay: “I would give my left ball to be in Philly on Sunday. They may have to cut off alcohol sales 2 hours before first pitch.”
CAROLINA @ ARIZONA (-9.5)
Shane: “Tim Hightower. Richmond. Heights. Spartans. My Alma Matter. 2009 Winless Football Season.”
Kevin: “Jake Of The Man holds a passer rating of 56.5 that is #32 in the league (which is nearly 16 points HIGHER than Derek Anderson), but I guess they really have few options left. Not that anyone will be watching, considering 91% of the country is getting the Vikings-Packers game. This game is literally contained to the states of Arizona and North and South Carolina. John McCain is so happy.”
Schaffer: “Butterfinger: Has Jake Delhomme ever not thrown interceptions?”
Brian: “You could dress up like Jake Delhomme for Halloween. But people may not give you beer. He sucks that bad.”
Jeff: “Carolina announces a trade with Cleveland--Delhomme for Anderson,Mangini for Fox.”
Barnes: “"Black Cats" - Jake Delhomme is on the fast track to be the QB of the Browns next year. I mean, they do love themselves some less than average quarterbacks.”
ATLANTA @ NEW ORLEANS (-10.5)
Devin: “Figure coming close to the midway point. Good time to bust out this clip.
Time to get serious with the picks.
Shane: “Matty Ice. Natty Ice. Getting Arrested. Possession Of Stolen Property. 2 Years Probation. Laughing At An Assigned Psychologist. OU At It's Finest.”
Schaffer: “It took the homo to finally expose the Falcons' awful secondary. I'm horrified thinking about what a real, straight quarterback will do to them.”
Reamer: “If I may … Drew Breeeeeeeeessss.”
Jeff: “Oh when the Saints, come marching in. What the heck--they are perfect so a church song seems appropriate.”
IN THE ZONE
By: Jason Fazzone
Another week has passed, and it’s time for another week of randomness:
Don’t doubt “Renegade”: They played “Renegade” at Heinz Field at the two-minute warning last week. A mere three plays afterward, Keyaron Fox picks off Favre and runs it back for the score that put the game away. I think it’s the one Steelers prediction I’ve gotten right all season.
Larry Johnson: Of all the tweets sent to and from Johnson that led to his suspension, the best was a fan tweeting Johnson that he has as many scores as LJ this year.
Return to glory: Good to see Alex Smith and Vince Young get their starting jobs back this week. And both will be out of football by this time next year.
Nice, Pedro: Excellent suit choice by Pedro Martinez after Game Two of the World Series. Not only does he call himself the most influential person to ever step into Yankee Stadium, but he also dresses damn well. What a badass. Speaking of…
Cliff Lee: His nonchalant catch was one of the hardest moments baseball will ever see.
Series will take forever: At this rate, the World Series won’t end until Thanksgiving. Cut the season down already – it’s not like anyone cares about baseball in July and August anyway.
Denver gets three feet of snow: And I’m going to be flying out there in a week for the Steelers/Broncos game? Great timing…
I turn 24 in a month: This sucks.
Obligatory fantasy football update: Won again last week to put me at 5-2 and in a tie for first place. I’m going up against one of the other 5-2 teams, and I’m doing it without Tom Brady. In his place…Marc Bulger. Oh, well…5-3 isn’t too bad.
The Charlotte Bobcats suck: 59 points in a season-opening loss to Boston. I think our intramural basketball team came close to that once. We’ll never know if we could’ve made it to 59 – we got mercied three times.
Another season of Austin Carr: Can’t wait to hear some “Throw the hammer down!” and “Deep in the Q!” this season. AC loved me and Po’s signs when we went to the Cavs/Pistons game last year.
Tim Donaghy: This guy says NBA referees show favoritism toward certain teams and players. The reason his book didn’t get published is because it’d be like publishing a book that says the sky is blue or the Cleveland Browns suck or Ryan Polito is soft. In other words, it’s basic knowledge.
Wow, Golden Tate: As I’m writing this, Golden Tate just made a sick catch on a Hail Mary pass. Too bad he plays for Notre Dame. Too bad the Irish are playing Washington State.
The six teams that will make the playoffs out of the AFC: Patriots, Steelers, Colts, Broncos (division champs); Bengals and Texans (wild cards)
The six teams that will make the playoffs out of the NFC: Giants, Vikings, Saints, Cardinals (division champs); Eagles and Falcons (wild cards)
Super Bowl XLIV prediction: Colts over Saints
I wish I had more Bart Borer stories: But I don’t. Sorry.
I need a beer: I’ve been meaning to try Bud Light Golden Wheat. Anyone know how it is? I’m still staying true to Dos Equis though.
Drug test: I did a two-hour round trip to and from Akron just to pee in a cup. Real sweet.
Mountaineer update: I went to defend my Omaha Hi-Lo tournament title Friday night, but ran into a guy with a horseshoe up his ass. Other than watching porn, I’ve never seen someone get lucky so many times in my life. At least I made $110 in an hour playing a cash game.
October ATS: Count me as one of those that are glad to see October go. Here’s to a good month of November for me, and a terrible one for the rest of you. Until next time, go Steelers!
Po's Knowledge Dropping- Week 7 in Review
By: Ryan Polito
MOST DOMINANT- Monkey Funeral
A very dominant story I came across this weekend that may show how much animals are similar to humans. Most monkeys are known for their loud annoying noises and short attention span. However, when a fellow chimp named Dorothy died it was a different story. Dorothy was a very “prominent figure'' within her group that consisted of about 30 chimps. When Dorothy was put to rest, the usually wild and uncontrollable chimps gathered around a gate and sat quietly to watch Dorothy be buried. One of the workers who actually buried Dorothy said it was truly a remarkable moment watching the chimps grieve in that manner. A very dominant story that really brings out the human side in the animals.LEAST DOMINANT- Treat or Treat hours
What happened to the days when Trick or Treating started after dark? It seems like the little kids are out earlier and earlier every year. As I am writing this it is 4:50pm ET and some kid dressed in an Elvis Presley costume just knocked on my door and said treat or treat. Seriously? Why the hell are trick or treat hours 5-7pm? It is a clear day with the sun shinning and kids are already walking around asking for candy. Ridiculous. If I were in control the trick or treating hours would be 8 10pm. At least then everyone would have the true feeling of Halloween by walking around in the dark. Halloween is about the nighttime, and being scared by things. That cannot happen when kids are outside at 4:50pm asking for candy. I could go on for hours on this subject, but I will stop right here. As Charles Barkley would say... thats Turrrrible!
Promo of the Week:
Just 6 days until the main event final table featuring Phil Ivey.
Adios, Go Steelers.
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Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."
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