Thursday, November 26, 2009

2009 NFL ATS Pick 'Em: Week Eleven - Kevin Hunt

By: Luke Florence
This week's theme needs no introduction. It does, however, need a name: U.S. Disabled Heroes. Enjoy. (For the record, this was inspired by Matt Barnes, who recently asked me, "Why do all of my best sports stories involve disabled people??")

Pittsburgh (-9.5) @ Kansas City
The Steelers are Sylvester Stallone. Sure Rocky didn't run up any stairs in Pittsburgh, but Stallone's paralysis of the left side of his face rings true in the Steel City. Big, dumb guys with the inability to speak clearly who can simply hit really hard CAN succeed in America.

Indianapolis (-0.5) @ Baltimore
Peyton Manning is Christopher Reeve. Peyton has shown he can be Superman on the field and leads the league in basically every QB category despite not having an established running game to keep defenses off guard.

San Francisco @ Green Bay (-6.5)
The Packers are FDR. He was in office longer than any other President, much like Brett Favre was under center for more consecutive games than any other quarterback. It also would not surprise me to see Favre in a wheelchair sometime soon. Not that he'd let you see him that way.

Oh yeah, Packers haven't lost at home to the 49ers since 1990.

Buffalo @ Jacksonville (-8.5)
The Jags are Michael Bolton. Pop singer was deaf in one ear, much like the Jags have a pretty good run game, but really no passing game. Their song and dance might be enough to record some hits (and get into the playoffs), but it won't be a special end to the run.

Atlanta @ New York Giants (-6.5)
Eli Manning is Michael J. Fox. You're not sure he's done anything worthwhile for some time, then you always remember "Back to the Future" (or, in Eli's case, a Super Bowl win).

New Orleans (-11.5) @ Tampa Bay
Ballbuster Pick of the Week: Taking the underdog in the 7th game listed. This is how the Ballbuster originated... time to get back to its roots.

Cleveland @ Detroit (-3.5)
This may become an annual tradition... Cleveland vs. equally awful team = Helen Keller Bowl. Despite being blind, deaf and mute, Keller found a way to communicate. By a similarly incredible feat, one of these teams is likely to come out with a win. (Note: I just changed my pick to Cleveland assuming these teams will end in a tie. Not joking.)

Washington @ Dallas (-11.5)
Dallas is Ray Charles.
Sun glasses, dancing and smiles.
Romo is homo.

Seattle @ Minnesota (-10.5)
Brad Childress is Albert Einstein (stay with me here). Einstein was born with a learning disability, yet somehow turned his life around and is known as one of the smartest guys ever. Childress was on his way out before turning his life around (via Favre and AP) and getting his contract extended. I believe both situations will end in a similar way as well, with Childress posing in a goofy manner like Einstein did (http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/8/86/Einstein_tongue.jpg).

Arizona (-8.5) @ St. Louis
Kyle Boller is Thomas Edison. Edison had a learning disability as a kid and had trouble writing when he was older. Yet he found a way to invent the practical light bulb, despite many believing he wasn't so bright. Yeah, it's cheesy, but Kyle Boller... not bright.

New York Jets @ New England (-10.5)
The Pats would be Muhammed Ali. Even though Bill Belichick had a brain fart last week, can anyone even imagine this team being run by anyone other than Belichick and Brady?? When Ali ended his career, a lot of boxing history ended with him.

San Diego (-2.5) @ Denver
Chris Simms is Chris Simms. Just watch him play on Sunday.

Cincinnati (-9.5) @ Oakland
JaMarcus Russell is Jim Abbott. Like Abbott, Russell was born without his right hand and instead throws with his left han... wait, what?? Russell actually has both hands?? And he STILL throws like that??

Philadelphia (-2.5) @ Chicago
Jay Cutler is Paul Newman. The actor-director was found to be color blind while enrolled at Ohio University and looking to become a Navy pilot. Cutler has trouble telling colors as well, considering he's thrown it to the other team more than any other QB this year. Yes, even more than Jake Of The Man.

Tennessee @ Houston (-5.5)
RB Chris Johnson is Stephen Hawking. For all we know, he operates as a machine, not even as a human. Though I have a feeling Stephen Hawking's wheelchair seriously lacks, "gettin' away from the cops speed."

Hunt's been doing this for years and it is e-mails like this which paint a clear picture of why Kevin is a two-time Gus Johnson Champion. Expect the originator of the "Romo Is Homo" haiku to be right up there for the QOTW in week 11.

No comments: