It’s quickly become Christmas Part One, but Thanksgiving signals more than how quickly Santa Claus is approaching. For starters, it can provide a time to re-connect with friends and family. A time to eat good food and share fond memories. More recently, it signals the end of the qualifying period for the F’d Up Tournament.
However, the biggest thing Thanksgiving indicates for our ATS league is a rapidly approaching finish line. It stand before us, just six weeks from now. After the three Turkey Day games are played, we only have 93 more contests to choose. Ninety-three more chances to make up some ground, separate from the pack, or fall back outside the money.
Just 93 games. How will it end for you?
MIAMI (-2.5) @ BUFFALO
A quick glance at the standings will show you that the Dolphins are only a game out of the AFC Wild Card. Despite Ronnie Brown’s absence they knocked off a semi-talented Carolina squad on the road last week. Having 10 days to prepare for an over-achieving Bills squad should be more than enough to cover by a mere field goal.
My Pick: MIA (-2.5)
Hunt: “What do you get with
Gus plus Ricky Williams?
A new drug choice: speeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed.” Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Kevin Hunt and his week 12 haiku's. Giddy up.
Lay: “16th birthday. I'm 16! I can drive! Oh shit. My car is a Plymouth Horizon. Being 16 and driving a Plymouth Horizon is like being TO or Lee Evans and having an Ivy Leaguer throw passes in your general direction.” Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Nick Lay and his week 12 birthday picks. Giddy Up Again.
Brian: “You watch a team like the Ohio Bobcats win the MAC East, and you also see cry babies such as Terrell Owens. The world of sports is such a wide-ranging thing. I wish people would focus more on stories like the Bobcats. And go Bobcats, by the way!” I've been using the phrase "my alma mater" when discussing the recent success of these Bobcats. It makes me feel distinguished. Don't ask me why.
Reamer: “'The Big Fella' - Bill Parcells is the Big Fella in this match-up. The Big Tuna brought his football genius to the front office so he could shop for the groceries himself, and in the process has changed the game with his commitment to the Wildcat.” Jamie Reamer decided to use classic Austin Carr lines for his picks. Having never watched a Cavs game with Carr commenting, I can't really contribute too much.
Fiz: “T.O. has 563 receiving yards this season. About one-third of those came last week against Jacksonville. Hopefully this is a sign of things to come under Perry Fewell – for my fantasy team’s sake.” Don't know about the rest of you, but my fantasy teams are done. Soup.
SEATTLE (-2.5) @ ST. LOUIS
This game automatically qualifies for the Not Gonna Watch And I Have Sunday Ticket Pick Of The Week.
My Pick: SEA (-2.5)
Lay: “20th birthday. Occurred over Thanksgiving weekend, 2004. After drinking my face off of my head for several consecutive days, Becky put her foot down grounded me. Probably the only time a 20-year old has been grounded, unless we're referring to Jamie Reamer's vertical "leap." I would rather be grounded than watch this game.” And the Lay-Reamer feud continues. Have to say the advantage swings to Lay with that right-hook of a line.
Brian: “Both these teams wouldn't get trophies in a CYO league. If these two teams mixed red and blue, they'd get brown. If these teams were at a bar, Jake Young wouldn't touch them.” And the Jake Young touching continues. It's not right how much I love this league.
Hunt: “Jim Haslett skips town.
Still gets beat in UFL.
WE ARE!! LAS VEGAS!!” Apparently I missed the entire UFL season. But Haslett went 6-0 apparently and then lost in the playoffs. He's using that momentum to campaign for the Notre Dame job. Don't be surprised if he gets it.
Schaffer: “Imagine the Marc Bulger face after reading this actual quote from a user on a St. Louis newspaper story about him: ‘Marc: Thank you for your contribution to the Rams. If you really want to do what is best for the team, RETIRE immediately.’” Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Jeff Schaffer and his "Faces" week 12 picks. For the third time, giddy up.
Fiz: “Rams have covered in each of their last two home games. I’m sticking with the hot hand.” Very impressed Fiz, it's that kind of information that can help you do well in 2010 in this league.
Hug: “The Rams play hard every single week and battle till the very end of any game, which makes them a dangerous team to any opponent. Seattle fluctuates like the southern summer weather. One minute it’s 90 and sunny, the next minute a thunderstorm comes rolling through.” Not buying the Rams play hard angle or the Seattle fluctuates angle either. Their body of work tells me that they just aren't good football teams. But Seattle is a little less-bad than St. Louis. I think.
WASHINGTON @ PHILADELPHIA (-9.5)
If the Redskins happen to cover this game, then so be it. But I don’t want to spend my Sunday rooting for them to do it. That would be the equivalent of rooting for Ray Charles to pass an eye examination. He could guess the right combination of letters and maybe he passes, but you don’t want to root for it. You’d rather just enjoy the spectacle.
My Pick: PHI (-9.5)
Hunt: “Westbrook's recent thoughts:
I think we should run a draw.
I like applesauce.” Apparently Brian Westbrook shares the same thoughts of Terry Schiavo or Charlie Weis whenever he's in the Red Zone.
Lay: “21st birthday. I was overseas at this point in my life. I drank many a pint of Luxembourg's finest beer, Bofferding. I ended up passed out on the bathroom floor with two beers and a hand down my pants, much like several Philly fans will be during this game.” Could have ended that last sentence with, 'much like several Philly fans are at all times of the day.'
Hug: “Relying on Jason Campbell to get you a win is like relying on carrots to suppress your taste for dessert. It can happen, but it doesn’t taste right.” The NFL, where crappy QB's happen.
Brian: “Relive the F'd Up Pick of the Week on the podcast. Luke's never been more excited.” It's true. I was literally sitting on the edge of my seat and jumping up with every roll. Goodness, I can't wait for the F'd Up Tourney.
Reamer: “'Throw the Hammer Down' - This being a proverbial hammer that is dangling over Jim Zorn's dome like a guillotine.” Mike Shanahan as the next Skins coach? It could happen, believe.
Fiz: “DeSean Jackson and I share a birthday, which makes me wonder why I wasn’t blessed with 'gettin’ away from the cops' speed.” Of all the things I am thankful for this season, Gus Johnson is near the top of the list.
TAMPA BAY @ ATLANTA (-12.5)
The Falcons are a team who simply plays better at home than they do on the road. If Anthony Tynan were still with us, he would claim this to be insider information.
My Pick: ATL (-12.5)
Lay: “24th birthday. This one is a bit hazy. I went to dinner and a piano bar with a group of friends and wouldn't let my girlfriend pay for my dinner. After several Busch Light tall boys, I would berate her in front of our friends for not paying for my dinner. I have a drinking problem. Also, I have no idea how to tie this into the TB-ATL game.” Lay has sent some great e-mails this season, but I'm putting this one right near the top. With the Buckeyes not playing for another five weeks and the Browns being the Browns, I think Lay could continue this all the way to the 2009 Gus Johnson title.
Hunt: “When you think football,
You think Josh Freeman's touchdowns
And the Dirty Bird.” Hunt looking for back-to-back QOTW winners. JOSH FREEMAN FACE!
Schaffer: “Just take some time to think about the progression of Ronde Barber faces from when the Bucs won the Super Bowl til now...it's not pretty.” In other words, it's been the opposite progression of Tiki Barber.
Fiz: “Matty Ice looks as appealing as warm Natty Light right now. However, he is facing the Bucs this week.” Warm Natty Light, Cold Natty Light, Old Natty Light, Fresh Natty Light, it doesn't matter because you can't tell the difference.
Brian: “Raheem Morris has let go of both of his coordinators in his FIRST year. We're waiting for your next move of incompetency, Mangini.” It's almost as if some of these incompetent teams are playing some sick game of chess against each other.
ARIZONA @ TENNESSEE (-1.5)
It’s been easy to love the Titans the past month. All they have done is won AND covered. But the key to this league is picking up on trends as they happen and even more importantly - BEFORE - they happen. This is my attempt to do the latter.
My Pick: ARI (+1.5)
Lay: “14th birthday. We had a hoops tourney in Tiffin, and it was actually the first game ever played in the new St. Joseph's gym. Our mighty Spartan squad was led by the venerable Rod Daniel (sporting a Jeff Fisher-esque goatee). During a typical ass-pounding of Findlay St. Mike's, one of their shitty players was injured and spent significant time on the floor. Coach Nate Colson (probably still feeling the effects of a wake 'n bake that morning) saw this as the perfect time to play "Come Sail Away" over the speaker system. Of course, the version of the song that was played was sung by the great Eric Cartman and lead to several "WTF?" looks from players, coaches, fans, and God.” Probably only the Tiffin-ites amongst us will truly appreciate how classic that story is.
Hug: “Tip of the Hat and Wave of the Finger. (I like how these two have gone hand in hand recently for the same game). This week’s Wag of the Finger goes to Ken Whisenhunt for continuing to throw the ball on short yardage situations, with Matt Leinart in the game, while averaging a more than respectable 6.6 (combined) YPC average with Hightower and Wells. This effectively allowed the Rams to creep back into the game, and cover the spread. On the flip side, a Tip of the Hat to Houston’s kicker Kris Brown for allowing Vince Young to have another sweet homecoming in the state of Texas by missing two big kicks in that game. That was appreciated by me immensely. Meanwhile, the Titans push to 10-6 continues against the Cardinals.” You could just see in Kris Brown's eyes he wanted the Texans to just score a touchdown because he did NOT want to attempt that field goal.
Brian: “Who's had a better turnaround? VY with his 4-game winning streak, or Luke's Redeem Week? I'll say VY, but I'm anticipating a big finish for Mr. Florence.” That makes two of us Mr. Boesch.
Hunt: “Kurt Warner's injured??
And the Pope is Catholic.
And Romo's homo.” These just get better and better. Bringing out the Romo Is Homo ending-line is like bringing in Mariano Rivera in the 9th inning.
Schaffer: “Now that he's been benched I would say Kerry Collins face, but he pretty much looks wasted no matter the circumstances.” That's what a Penn State degree will do to a man.
Smitty: “Very surprised that Tennessee is favored here. But I still think they will get it done. Gonna ride the vince wagon until the wheels fall off.” Give credit to Jeff Fisher for righting the ship. He clearly favors Collins, but finally put in Vince and now has a four-game winning streak.
INDIANAPOLIS (-3.5) @ HOUSTON
Weren’t the Texans suppose to win the AFC South? Weren’t they supposed to be heading for 10 or 11 wins? I don’t know much, but I know these Texans are headed for 8-8. Sorry Luke Polito.
My Pick: IND (-3.5)
L.Polito: “The NFL's best team at an unbeaten 10-0 comes to our house this Sunday, and when they leave Houston, they will no longer be unbeaten. We WILL beat the Colts this weekend, and really boost our wild card playoff chances. I said we would beat Cincy, we destroyed them, and we will take down Indy Sunday. We lost to them by a missed FG 3 weeks ago, and they aren't gettin off the hook this time. Write it down.” Let's see if Luke can go 2-0 with his crazy predictions. If he does, he might just start doing it every week.
Lay: “6th birthday. Big wheel #2. I finally got one to replace the one that my sister used. Surprisingly enough, its plastic could not withstand me taking it over sweet jumps and it was effectively ruined after a few short, but memorable, years.” Anyone else think of Mac from It's Always Sunny when you read, 'me taking it over sweet jumps?'
Hug: “Right on schedule is the Houston Texans at 5-5, and the Colts are undefeated. Does this happen every year? It almost seems like that is a trend or something close to it. Houston hasn’t lost a game by more than seven points since Week 1 and played the Colts tough, so this should be another one of those games that goes down to the wire. It could come down to a field goal deciding the game once again.” Short week for the Texans coming off that Monday night let-down. How will that factor into it?
Brian: “Can I, as a Browns fan, apply for the counseling from Tony Dungy? Mike Vick was only in jail for two years. I've been held back by the Browns since 1999. No way he turns me down.” One big thing you don't have working in your favor Brian is your lack of black-ness. Don't tell me that didn't play a HUUUGE factor in that Dungy-Vick-NFL drama.
Smitty: “Peyton Manning is incredible. I cant express how much I want him to win like three more superbowls so there aren’t any knocks on him. For some reason with me it’s this year that he has reached the Federer, Tiger and Sandlot level of I will watch you whenever you are on. I always knew he was good but for some reason he ascended to that level this year.” Between the QOA loving Peyton and watching him just be brilliant this season, I couldn't agree more with your thinking Smitty.
CLEVELAND @ CINCINNATI (-14.5)
Well at least Brady Quinn can hold pace with the rest of the league when it comes to tearing apart the Detroit Lions. Now, let’s see if Brian Daboll continues to air it out a bit. His future relies solely on Quinn’s right shoulder. Mangini’s too.
My Pick: CLE (+14.5)
Hunt: “The DUI Bowl.
Ced Benson versus Stallworth.
Only way Browns win.” Only time that killing someone has worked in the Browns advantage.
Lay: “4th birthday. It was at this birthday that I realized I don't like strawberries. Becky made me a strawberry cake that did not sit well and I went Linda Blair circa Exorcist all over my house. Watching the Browns makes me want to relive that birthday.” Strawberries:Nick Lay::Tackling:Notre Dame's Defense. They just don't agree with each other.
Brian: “The Browns are the only thing that stands between the Bengals and an unbeaten record in division play. Bug, meet windshield.” Let's hope so.
Reamer: “Off theme here, but think of the Browns as Tiger Woods stuck in a car after a car accident, half unconscious and bloody (pretty accurate right?). Who plays the role as the wife who smashes out the back window with a golf club and saves the day? I don't think we have anyone…” You are thinking of Tim Tebow. And I hate myself more than you will ever know for writing that sentence.
Fiz: “The NFL has jumped the shark with the Browns, as far as I’m concerned. Before the Browns moved, the NFL was very creative in dealing Cleveland heartbreaking losses (Red Right 88, The Drive, The Fumble). Nowadays, things are just silly. A helmet toss? Pass interference on a Hail Mary? Step your game up, Goodell – give me a hook-and-ladder play or a missed game-tying extra point or something.” There are still six games yet to play Fiz. The possibilities are end-less.
CHICAGO @ MINNESOTA (-10.5)
Of all the good teams this year, I’ve had the toughest time picking the Vikings games. There’s a little piece of me that thinks they are overachieving a bit. That same little part of me thinks the Chicago Bears are a LOT better than their 4-6 record would indicate. And yes, I can blame that little piece of me for about 10 losses this year.
My Pick: MIN (-10.5)
Hug: “Check out the twitter page for “NotJayCutler.” It may be the best time you’ve had in your life.” My personal favorite - and don't ask me why, 'I've never heard her music, but that Adam Lambert chick is pretty hot.'
Brian: “ESPN had a question a few days ago: Did we not give enough hype to Brett Favre before the season? Wow. Imagine if the Vikings win the Super Bowl. ESPN will skip ESPN3 and go straight to ESPN4. Sponsored by Wranglers.” ESPNFavre. Why not?
Lay: “81st birthday. Brett Favre won't be able to decide whether or not he wants to go into a nursing home.” Or whether or not he wants to wear his Depends.
Hunt: “A.P. will run free.
Tommie Harris will punch Favre.
NFC North sucks.” My fingers are getting tired of counting syllables.
Fiz: “Battle of gunslingers in this one, except Jay Cutler is the equivalent of a guy with epilepsy wielding an AK-47.” QOTW contender for Fiz.
Schaffer: “Saw one of the greatest bumps to commercial ever last Sunday night; just one Jay Cutler face after another.” He's an easy guy to hate, that's for sure.
CAROLINA @ NEW YORK JETS (-3.5)
I made this pick the moment I realized what the spread was. The Carolina Panthers are dogs to a Mark Sanchise-led team that got ripped a part by the Patriots and are on a 3 game losing streak? Here we go Jake Delhomme. Here … we … go.
My Pick: CAR (+3.5)
Hug: “Jake Delhomme = Tony Romo of December, except it’s all year long.” Huggy Bear looking for his first QOTW.
Brian: “Colts-Saints: Super Bowl; Browns-Lions: Toilet Bowl; Panthers-Jets: Jake Delhomme Award Bowl?” Sanchize and Delhomme are both near the top of that award race.
Hunt: “Taking Jake Of The Man.
Browns get last laugh for San-chode.
Thanks.... now we'll trade down.” Browns have been trading down since Butch Davis left town.
Lay: “22nd birthday. A rare birthday when I was not home for Thanksgiving. I was celebrating in Oxford, OH (suck one Bobcats) and vaguely remember singing karaoke. I'm not sure what I sang, but I'm guessing it was "Sweet Caroline." Hard to get the crowd going on the chorus when said crowd consists of 6 people. Monday nights aren't ideal for birthday celebrations. Joe Namath gets drunk and makes an ass of himself on national TV, so me doing it in front of a dozen people isn't so bad. I definitely would've done more to Suzy Kolber than give her a smooch.” Yes, these are my friends.
Reamer: “'The Big Man strong to the hole' - Thomas Jones is the big man that has carried the load for the Jets, and made me look real smart trading LT for him straight up in week 2 in my fantasy football league. Thomas Jones is one of the more underrated RB's in the league over the past few seasons. But the Jets have lost their last 6 of 7 games so I can't pick 'em.” Gutsy trade Reamer, but you are right, Thomas Jones is a baller.
Schaffer: “Two for one: Delhomme seems like the obvious choice but I'll go with the Steve Smith face; he's the one who has to endure having a garbageman for a quarterback. And don't forget the Mark Sanchez face: ‘Didn't everyone used to talk about me being good?’” Favorite Steve Smith quote, (talking to Delhomme after another INT), "You're ugly."
KANSAS CITY @ SAN DIEGO (-13.5)
Just when you think the Chargers are rolling, remember … Norv Turner is involved. Pickers BEWARE.
My Pick: SD (-13.5)
Lay: “15th birthday. Freshman year at Calvert. I was greeted by Nate Keller and Ben Brickner in my opening period study hall with a hearty "You're a stupid asshole and your mom's a dumb (dirty word that rhymes with runt)." San Diego is Nate and Ben while KC is represented by my mother and I.” Nate Keller was the best QB Calvert I ever saw and Ben Brickner had the most unnecessarily-blonde hair of any decent Calvert basketball player of all-time.
Brian: LT is setting up for another huge letdown again in the playoffs. I'll say he just skips the first round game to go see his alma mater, TCU, in its bowl game. He won't even bother pretending to be hurt.” This will happen. And we would all reap the benefits of a week-long Norv Turner Face.
Hunt: “Chefs can't cook a bolt.
All Norv Turner does is win.
Already hate me.” Have we reached that point already?
JACKSONVILLE @ SAN FRANCISCO (-3.5)
It’s been a couple of weeks, but here she is … fresh off a Four Round epic-Battle with Black Friday. Jessica Corey’s FBPOTW.
My Pick: SF (-3.5)
Brian: “The Jags are ahead of the Steelers, Ravens and Titans heading into the weekend in the playoff chase. I love the NFL.” And yet, they wouldn't be favored in any of those games.
Reamer: “'L-Train' - Maurice Jones-Drew may be a foot too short, but he runs the ball the way the L-Train does when he covers the ball with both hands as he's hacked by four people in the lane for an 'and one' -- the equivalent of Mo-Jo's league leading 13 TD's.” LeBron James is a moron, having said that, he's a pretty good basketball player.
Hunt: “Remember the days?
Mark Brunell against Steve Young.
No O, all scrambles.” Remember how Dick Bavetta and Charles Barkley had that race a couple of years ago. The NFL should do the same. Brunell against Young would be off the charts.
PITTSBURGH @ BALTIMORE (-2.5)
Las Vegas has a man-crush on the Baltimore Ravens. And I’m not sure why. They looked sloppy against the Browns. They failed to cover against the Colts, and now they are a 3-point favorite to the Steelers? Some things I’ll never understand. I’m going to file this conundrum along with people’s fascination of parades and cats.
Having said that, Big Ben isn’t playing, so the logical pick is Baltimore.
My Pick: BAL (-2.5)
Lay: “18th birthday. Hey, this is sweet! I can buy cigarettes and porno now! Unfortunately, I'm spending the day at my grandma's celebrating Thanksgiving. This birthday is famous because it was my brother-in-law's first holiday with the family. He made the mistake of eating my grandma's tomato pudding (clearly a rookie move) that was probably made from canned tomatoes circa 1974. On our drive home, he vomited all over my sister's truck, and, most notably, the heating vents. She sold the truck months later. The 18th birthday is always the most memorable for Ben Roethlisberger since he can't be charged for statutory rape once the Findlay High School seniors hit this mark.” And the QOTW goes to ...
Reamer: “'Mouse in the House' - Just found out Big Ben isn't playing, so Dennis Dixon is the Mouse in the House...and Ray Lewis kills mice.” Reamer looking for some more Bill Walton points.
Fiz: “No Ben, no Polamalu. I may as well sacrifice myself to Ray Lewis so I don’t have to see this massacre.” Love the Ray Lewis bashing. It's one of only a few things that EVERYONE in this league agrees on.
Schaffer: “Ray-Lewis-stabbed-me face.” Told ya.
Hunt: “Great work by Big Ben.
Fake concussion, "forget" rape.
Best week of his life.” I heart my friends. And Big Ben hearts young girls.
Brian: “Since I'm rooting for a tie, I might as well take the points so I can win if it happens. By the way, for all those who call this "rivalry" the best in the NFL, stop. Just stop. It's disrespecting the Steelers. The Ravens have not been consistently good this decade. And they aren't that good this year. I just defended the Steelers. I feel dirty.” In other words Boesch, you feel like any girl that spends the night with Big Ben.
NEW ENGLAND @ NEW ORLEANS (-3.5)
The Saints are going to lose this year. The Saints HAVE to lose this year. Right?
My Pick: NE (+3.5)
Hunt: “Don't know who to pick.
So I'll leave you with this thought:
Romo is homo.” Those were your week 12 haiku's, brought to you by Kevin Hunt. Next week, I want to see if he can write a short poem for each game.
Lay: “1st birthday. No recollection of this birthday for obvious reasons. It was uncharted territory at that juncture of my life. NO is venturing through uncharted territory right now. Maybe they'll figure it out the first time around, maybe they won't. Let's just hope that in 2012 they're not throwing up strawberry cake.” In other words, let's hope they don't pull a Donovan McNabb in the huddle.
Fiz: “If this game was anywhere but New Orleans, I’d take the Pats. But this is a Saints home game, and the team seems destined to do some good things – including matching the Pats’ unblemished regular season two years ago.” Won't happen. Where is Mercury Morris by the way??
Hug: “Jaworski and Gruden might not even sleep this week with the anticipation of the game between these teams with two premier quarterbacks. It will all be worth it when Jaworski starts talking about how neither quarterback is too corybantic when they are in the pocket and how their reads are meritorious as NFL superstars. Gruden will give him a funny face and start talking about the new Nike Pro Combat uniform that he has tried which reduces his wind resistance when he runs at 4:30 in the morning. Tirico will then chime in with a patented, “No matter the case, it’s a first down for the offense.” The 3-man booth isn't horrible this year, but I think they could ditch Jaws.
Reamer: “This game is obviously one of the best of the year. So it has to be the random stuttering, mumbling and bumbling AC does that doesn't make any sense when LeBron does something really really sweet and AC get's too excited to get any actual words out, Charlie Manuel style.” How has he won a World Series championship? Some things I'll never understand.
Hope you enjoyed the column.
Until next time, "read it, roll it, hole it."
